DISCLAIMER: The X-Men belong to the sadistic little [BEEP]'s at Marvel. Too Much Coffee Man belongs to Shannon Wheeler. Caillou belongs to Joceline Sanschagrin. Bob the Builder belongs to Keith Chapman. Dora the Explorer belongs to the people down at Nick Jr. And just in case I do end up using him, Barney the Dinosaur is a trademark of Lyons Partnership. I am using all these characters without permission. If you wanna sue me, you'd have better luck squeezing blood from a stone than squeezing money out of an empty pocket.


SUMMARY: I've had snitches of an idea for a new sillific. Now that I am actually sitting down in front of the computer and stuffing myself with candy like there's no tomorrow, I feel like it is the perfect time to start writing it. This is sort of continuing from my last story, The X-Men get the Blues (the sequel). Scott has left the X-Men to pursue a career as the new Steve on the Blue's Clues show (the characters of which the X-Men killed off in the first X-Men Get the Blues story). Anywaaays, the Prof is interviewing potential candidates to add to the X-Men team.

WARNING: As in my other sillifics, there is a lot of Scott bashing!


BOB, THE NEWEST X-MAN

"SoyouhavemynameandnumberandmyresumeandyouwillcontactmeifIgetthejob, right?"

"Yes, yes I will," replied the Professor through clenched teeth. He was currently trying to get a hyperactive, bouncing Too Much Coffee Man out of his office, and was very close to ramming him with his hoverchair.

"Thankyousomuchyouhavenoideahowmuchthismeanstome..."

Just a little closer, thought the professor as he nudged Too Much Coffee Man closer to the door. Just a little closer!

"IreallyneedthisjobI'vebeenoutofworkforsolongI..."

SLAM!!!

The Professor leaned back wearily in his chair and breathed a huge sigh of relief. That last interview had take a full hour and a half: five minutes to interview, 40 minutes trying to make him stand still, and the rest of the time had been devoted to frequent washroom visits. He picked the man's resume off his desk and tossed it in the waste paper basket.

There is no way in hell I'm ever letting that...that freak on my team! he thought angrily.

He took another deep breath before telepathically contacting Jean and telling her to send in the last candidate.

Sitting behind his desk, Charles heard the door open and close. He turned to greet the new interviewee, but didn't see anybody. He scratched his head, puzzled.

"Hi!"

Charles jumped (metaphorically speaking, of course), then peered over the edge of his desk. There stood a little man, two and a half feet tall, and wearing blue overalls and a yellow hardhat.

"Er, hello. I'm Charles Xavier, head master of the School for Gifted Youngsters and founder of the X-Men. And you are?"

"I'm Bob! Bob the Builder!" the man replied happily, with a silly grin plastered on his face.

"Ah, Bob. I must ask you, what powers do you have?"

"Powers?" Bob asked, looking a little confused.

"Yes, powers. Special abilities that you can lend to the team," Charles explained.

"Oh!" Bob exclaimed. "I can build or fix just about anything! With the help of my team, of course."

The professor's eyes lit up. "Anything?" he asked.

Bob nodded.

The Prof sat back in his chair, an evil grinchy grin spreading slowly across his face.

This guy has no mutant powers to speak of, but just imagine all the money I'll save in repairs to the mansion with a repairman on the team, he thought.

"Bob, you're hired!"

"Yay!"

* * *

The X-Men, well, most of the X-Men (Beast was absent), had assembled in the War Room to be introduced to the newest members of the X-Team.

"Hmph. I thought you were only hiring one new member, Chuck," Wolverine commented. There were actually four new members.

"Yes, but there a lot of people who responded to the job opening, and I felt that some of them would make valuable additions to the team."

Wolverine shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever."

"And starting from the right, this is Caillou."

A little boy in a t-shirt and shorts stepped forward. "I want my mommy," he whined.

"Er, professor?"

"Yes, Jean?"

"That's a four-year old boy."

"I can see that."

"Are you out of your mind?!"

"Quite the contrary, Jean. Firstly, Caillou didn't apply at all. I just found him on the doorstep this morning with a note pinned to his shirt. Apparently his parents couldn't stand him anymore. Secondly, I thought, since Scott is no longer with us, we are lacking in a snivelling, whiny little crybaby whom the bad guys always target first, thereby giving the rest of the team a chance to swarm and attack. I think that Caillou is perfect for the job!"

"I want my mommy!" the kid demanded again before bursting into tears and wailing his lungs out.

"I can see your point," Jean commented while plugging her ears with her fingers.

"Wolverine, no!" shouted Storm as the Canuck popped his claws.

"But my ears are killing me, Ro!" he complained.

Caillou started hyperventillating, then passed out. Prof X ignored him and moved on to the next one.

"This," he said, indicating a little Latino girl with a monkey sitting on her shoulder, "is Dora."

"Ola!"

There was silence. Oh, and blinking. Much blinking ensued.

"Professor," said Jean, "if we've already got one whining brat on the team, why are you adding another one?"

"Oh, that isn't her function, Jean," the Prof replied. "Dora speaks Spanish. She can act as a translator for the team."

"We have Hank for that, Professor. You know, the fuzzy blue guy who can speak 13 different languages?"

"Hmmm...er...yes," the Prof replied, squirming visibly in his chair. "But...she'll be better with Public Relations. People will be less likely to run away from her since she isn't covered in blue fur and sporting claws and fangs."

Jean was still unconvinced. "Professor, just how many non-bilingual, spanish-speaking villains do we face on a regular basis?"

"None, to be exact," Storm piped up.

"Alright, alright!" exclaimed the professor, finally giving in. "I received a letter from the Board of Rights Group stating that the X-Men are guilty of discrimination. I'm adding Dora to the team to increase the diversity of nationalities so they don't sue my butt! Now what's wrong with that?!"

The monkey leaped from Dora's shoulder onto Logan, and started picking through the man's hair. Logan grabbed it by the tail and threw it on the floor.

"Eep! Eep!" it cried as it scurried back to its owner. Dora stormed over to Wolverine and stomped on his foot.

Wolvie howled in pain, then popped his claws. "Yer gonna pay fer that, kid!" he snarled.

Just then, Caillou regained consciousness and started screaming his head off again.

"Owww!! No more, no more!" cried Wolverine, covering his ears as he ran out of the room.

"Is it just me, or does this introduction not seem to be going very well?" asked Storm. Nobody replied since they couldn't hear her over the kid's screaming.

The noise was getting on Jean's nerves, too. "Here," she said to Caillou. "Have a cookie."

The waterworks stopped immediately. Caillou grabbed the cookie out of her hand and stuffed it in his mouth. "I want more!"

"No, I think one is enough..."

Caillou's lower lip started to tremble.

"Okay, okay! Here you go!" she said as she handed him the whole box. He danced happily over to a corner and began stuffing more cookies into his greedy little mouth.

"Now, if we can get back to the introductions?" said a rather annoyed Professor.

They all turned to face him.

"Alright then. Now, this one here is Barney."

A big, purple dinosaur ambled forward. "Hello everybody! Since it's such a beeeeautiful, sunshiny happy day outside, why don't well go out and play and become really, really good friends!"

More blinking ensued. And gagging. Yes, Barney does have that affect on some people.

"Barney has the ability to completely incapacitate any adult by causing them to gag and puke uncontrollably by simply uttering a few words. Oh, and his singing will scare away even the most steadfast of supervillians."

Barney's eyes lit up at the mention of singing. "Let's sing a song! I love you, you love me..."

The X-Men started bolting for the door. The Professor made Barney stop singing and called them back into the room.

"And finally, the last, but not least, newest addition to the X-Men team is Bob!"

The little man waved hello.

There was more silence. Not stunned silence. On the contrary, they were becoming quite bored.

"Alright, what does he do?" Jean asked, stifling a yawn.

"Bob can build or fix anything!"

"That's it?"

"That's it? THAT'S IT?! Is that all you can say? Do you guys know how much money you cost me in repairs to the mansion? Do you know how much money I'm going to save by having him on the payroll?"

The viens in his temples were starting to throb. "Calm down, Professor! We get the point!"

The professor calmed down. "Now that you have all been introduced to each other, I think you should all take some time to get to know each other, and become friends."

"Oh, goody!" said Barney. The X-Men cringed.

"I expect great things from you, team!" said the professor. "Great things!"

The prof's sentence was punctuated by the sound of Caillou ralfing in the corner. He had eaten too many cookies.

"I want my mommy! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

* * *

continued