Hi! I'm baaaa-aaaack, and I'm ticked off!!! My son loves Caillou, and watches the show religiously. There is one episode where Caillou learns a new word: stupid. He eventually learns that this is not a nice word and stops using it, but before that, he says it repeatedly: stoo-pid blocks, stoo-pid birds, etc. So guess what my sweetheart of a son has been calling ME for past week? ARGGHH!!!! I WAS going to go easy on Caillou, but just for that I'm going to be particularly nasty to the little twerp from this point on. PLEASE NOTE that the RATING has CHANGED to R because of implied drug use. Enjoy!

Before we start, does anybody want to know what my favoritist caffeine and sugar high combo is?

PEPSI AND SKITTLES!!! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO!

Oh, here's something else I wanted to mention which makes me wonder whether or not these television broadcast companies are trying to warp little kids' minds with their 'quality programming'. On an episode of Bear in the Big Blue House, they tell their own version of Little Red Riding Hood, which I am quoting part of here:

"Oh, Grandma! What big HANDS you have!"

"All the better to TOUCH you with, my dear."

And my only thought was, "Oh my god!! The wolf is molesting Red Riding Hood!!!" I guess this just goes to show what a sick mind I've got. Anyways, on to chapter four!

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***telepathy***
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CHAPTER 4: You're A Daddy!


Hank and Bobby had gathered the rest of the X-Men to relay their surprising discovery to them.

"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Jean, for the tenth time in the last five minutes.

"I will remind you, Jean, that 0.01 percent is a very small margin of error," Hank replied.

"I know! But I STILL don't believe it!"

"I am going to side with Jean on this one. Sorry, Henry," said Ororo.

It was Bobby who spoke up next. "Why don't we just confront the professor and find out whether Caillou IS his kid or not?"

Hank looked incredulous. "My dear Robert, I do believe that is the first good idea you have ever had! Congratulations!" he exclaimed.

Bobby shot him a dirty look.

"Ahlright, then let's go an' see the professah!" said Rogue, and led the group towards Xavier's office.

Along the way, they passed by Bob's cat, Pilchard, and the neutered Perriwinkle. Perriwinkle had Pilchard in a fatal head lock and was slowly strangling him to death. Apparently, Perriwinkle is not too fond of competition.

* * *

"Dum de dum de dum!" sang Barney as he ambled through the mansion, wandering aimlessly and looking for something fun to do. He wound up in one of the bathrooms.

"Hmmm," he said out loud. "I wonder what's in here?" He opened the medicine cabinet. "Oooooh! Pretty colours!" he crooned when he saw all the various bottles of medicine pills. He grabbed a few bottles and, after easily popping off the childproof caps (which seem to annoy adults more so than little kids) he munched them down.

After a short while, Barney's pupils dilated as he watched the magical pink bunnies dance around the toilet and green and purple polka-dotted fish swam around happily in the toilet bowl. Barney started to dance with them. The bunnies started to sing, and Barney started to sing with them.

"I hate you, you hate me, I'll get you just wait and see! With a knife and a gun and six rounds of lead, very soon you will be dead!"

Barney listened intently to the instructions that the magical pink bunnies gave him, and set off to complete them.

* * *

Xavier jumped in his chair when Rogue burst in through the door, followed by all the other X-Men.

"Can't you people knock first?! You startled me!" he exclaimed angrily.

"Gee, professor! You're the greatest telepath on the planet!" commented Bobby. "Shouldn't you have 'sensed' us coming?"

"Hmph!" replied the professor. "I don't go peeking around your heads every second of the day, you know!"

Bobby shrugged his shoulders. "Fair enough."

Rogue took the lead. "We all got a question ta ask ya, professah!"

"Oh?" he replied, raising an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"

Hank stepped forward and sat the paper on the desk. "The question that we all wish to inquire about has to do with the results of this DNA test which I performed this morning..."

"With MY help!" Bobby chimed in.

"..yes, with the aid of our frozen friend," Hank reluctantly added as he shot Bobby a look which read, yes you did help, and yes you are going to pay very dearly for it too.

The professor looked blankly at the page. "This would appear to be the results of a paternity test," he said.

Hank nodded solemnly. "Professor, there is a 99.9% chance that Caillou is in fact, YOUR son!"

The silence was deafening as they all waited in ..... anticipation as they waited to see what their mentor's reaction would be.

Their mentor. Their professor. The man who was always neat, tidy, festidiously groomed and extremely well-mannered, never revealing any emotions beyond his mask of emotional neutrality, sent spittle flying into the face of one stunned Hank as he burst out laughing.

"BWAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Y...y..you actually..hahaha..expect me to believe....BWAHAHAHAHA! that....that....little twerp is....*snort, snicker* MY son?! WOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That's a good one! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The professor was convulsing with laughter, which caused a small piece of paper to fall out his pocket. Ever alert Hank noticed this, and stooped down to pick it up.

"Er...what is this, Professor?" he asked.

Xavier was rubbing tears from his eyes as he replied, "Oh, that! That's the note that I found pinned to Caillou." He paused to blow his nose, then repeated what was written on the note. "Dear X-Men, we can't stand this horrid little brat one second longer! PLEASE take him off our hands! We don't have any mutant powers to help us deal with him, maybe YOU guys can! Signed, Caillou's mommy and daddy."

Hank nodded. "Yes, that IS exactly what the note says," he commented. "But did you care to look on the other side?"

There was a huge, gigantuan, enormous, humungoid pause. The X-men leaned in closer to make sure they would hear every word Hank said. The professor couldn't wait for the information and scanned Hank's mind. A look of pure shock and horror appeared on Xavier's face.

"Besides," Hank read out loud. "He's YOURS anyway, Charley-puddin' pie. Signed, Sweetcheeks."

Half the X-men furrowed their brows, silently mouthing the words 'puddin pie' and 'sweetcheeks'; the rest were gagging at the image that the words inadvertently produced in their minds. Bobby just cheered.

"I WAS RIGHT!!! WOO-HOO!!!" the Icepop cried as he did a little victory dance in the middle of the office.

The professor was completely catatonic. "Professor?" Hank asked worriedly as he waved a furry hand in front of the man's face. "Are you alright?"

Xavier blinked once, twice, then slumped down in his hoverchair. "MY son?" he said to himself in barely a whisper. "I don't believe it! She never told me..." he seemed to be talking to himself, having momentarily forgotten the other people in the room.

"Professor?" Hank asked again.

Bobby stopped dancing when another revelation hit him. "Hey, if Caillou's YOUR son, AND you're the greatest telepath on the planet, what does that make Caillou?"

Hank's eyes widened in horror. "Oh, my stars and garters!" he breathed.

Jean caught on to the thought right away. "But his mutant powers, if he has any, won't kick in until puberty, right?" she asked.

No one answered her, for as one they all dropped to the floor, howling in pain as a voice roared through their heads.

***I WANT A COOKIE!!!!***

* * *

To be continued.

Sorry it took so long to get this story updated, and I apologize for the shortness of this chapter. But my muse appears to have run off and I don't know where to find him. "You too?" says a voice and I look behind me to see Little Bo Peep. "Er...hi. Um, you haven't seen any furry blue muses lately, have you?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "Oh, well."

Anyways, let me know what you think! And thanks goes out to all you people who have been reviewing this story! I really appreciate it!