SUMMARY: This chapter is not actually part of the story. It's me dealing with the muses. The story will continue in the next chapter, once we've settled our differences! Please bear with me!


CHAPTER 6: The Battle of the Muses


SCOTT: Give me the keyboard.

ME: No!

SCOTT: Give me the keyboard! I want a chance at writing this!

ME: No! You'll screw it up!

SCOTT: It's already screwed up enough as it is! And you call yourself a writer?

ME: Gasp! You take that back!!

SCOTT: No! Now give me the keyboard!!

ME: Get lost.

SCOTT: You haven't added a single one of my ideas to the story!

ME: Maybe 'cause they all sucked.

SCOTT: Then why did you order a muse, anyway?

ME: I ordered a MUSE, but I got YOU instead. I want my money back, by the way.

SCOTT: Give ME the keyboard or I'll blast your computer!

ME: It's not MY computer, it's my HUSBAND'S computer.

SCOTT: Fine. Then I'll blast your TV.

ME: Eep!

I reluctantly hand over the keyboard and go to the couch to sulk. Scott starts typing like a madman, cackling gleefully at the monitor. Then there's a knock on the door.

*knock knock*

ME: I'll get it.

SCOTT: You do that. *cackle*

I open the door. It's Logan. I immediately drop to my knees and start to worship at his feet.

ME: Thank God you're here!! You've gotta help me!!!

He steps away from me.

LOGAN: Hold on, there! Ice said ya needed some help, but I didn't think you'd be THIS desperate!

ME: You don't understand! LOOK!

Logan looks to where I'm pointing, and sees Cyclops hunched over my computer (still cackling gleefully). Logan's eyes narrow.

LOGAN: Don't worry, darlin'. I'll take care of this.

ME: Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!

SCOTT: Who is it? (He asks without taking his eyes off the screen)

ME: Your replacement.

SCOTT: Huh?

Scott whips around to see Logan staring down at him.

LOGAN: You heard the lady, Cyke. Beat it!

SCOTT (whining): But I was here first!

LOGAN: I'M here, now. Get yer hands off that keyboard!

Scott grabs the keyboard and clutches it possessively to his chest.

SCOTT: Make me!

LOGAN (suddenly smiling): Don't mind if I do! *snikt*

More knocking is heard. I go answer the door.

ME: YOU'VE COME BACK!!!

I lunge at Hank and grapple him in a strangle-hold hug.

HANK (turning blue-er): Irk....! I..it is nice...irk...to see that...wheeze...you are so very glad...choke...to see me...! gasp. gurgle. I...I do need air...wheeze!

I let go. Hank catches his breath, adjusts his spectacles and stares at Scott and Logan who are playing tug-of-war with the keyboard. Logan is growling and Scott is whining pitifully.

HANK: Oh my stars and garters! It would appear that I have arrived just in time!

Hank steps forward to join the fray and nearly trips. He looks down to see me hugging his ankles.

ME: I'm so glad you're back! I can't believe you're back! How could you leave me?! I'm so happy...!

HANK: Er...your 'enthusiastic' display of affection is becoming rather disturbing. In truth, it is actually starting to frighten me.

ME: Oh, sorry.

I let go again.

HANK: Thank you.

He returns his attention to the other two muses.

HANK: Scott, Logan, there is no need for such a display of childish behaviour! Release that keyboard immediately before it becomes damaged!

Logan shrugs, then lets go, sending Scott sprawling. Cyke quickly recovers and clutches the keyboard to his chest again. He turns to Logan.

SCOTT (to Logan): Nya nya na na nyaaa nyaaaahh!! I got the keyboard!

HANK: REEEALLY Scott, you are embarrassing us! Now please relinquish that delicate piece of equipment so that we can accomplish what we all came here to do, and hopefully be finished and home in time for dinner!

LOGAN: Gumbo's not cookin' tonight, is he?

HANK: No, I do believe that it is Jean's turn to cook tonight.

LOGAN (to Scott): Hand it over NOW, bub!

SCOTT (pouting): NO!

Hank sighs deeply, walks over to Scott, picks him up by the scruff of his neck and plucks the keyboard from his hands.

SCOTT: Give it back! Give it back! It's not fair!!!

Hank examines the keyboard and frowns.

HANK (to me): What is your husband going to say when he sees these claw marks all over his keyboard?

ME (shrugs): I'll just tell him the cat did it.

The cat gives me a dirty look.

ME: Aaaaaanyways, can we just get this show on the road?

HANK: Not so fast, my dear. (His sentence is punctuated by a loud thud as he drops Scott.)

SCOTT: Ow!

ME: Er, whaddya mean, Hankster?

HANK: As you may recall, my reason for leaving in the first place revolves around your treatment of me during the writing of your last Blue's Clues story.

He rubs his head where the bruise used to be.

ME (squirming): I said I was sorry! And it wasn't MY rubber chicken, either!

HANK: Be it as it may, if I am to once again assume the position as your principle muse, I have a few demands that must be met at all costs.

ME: Okaaay, what are they?

HANK: One: no rubber chickens. And no rubber mallets, for that matter.

ME: No problem. What else?

HANK: Two: I set the working hours to suit MY schedule. I am tired of sitting up till two in the morning writing when my laboratory is practically overflowing with unfinished projects!

ME: I'm sorry, Hank. I'll be more flexible then, 'kay?

HANK: And thirdly, your supply of twinkies is quite minuscule to say the least. Would it be beyond your capacity to rectify that situation?

I run to the kitchen, then return with a crate of twinkies which I promptly set down at his feet.

ME: Consider this a down payment. Ice said she'd send over a truckload of twinkies for you if I you ever turned up!

A boyish, ear-to-ear grin spreads across Hank's face and he grabs a handle of golden delights.

HANK: That will be quite adequate, my dear.

LOGAN: That's fine for HIM, but what about the rest of us? I didn't haul my ass over here for nothin', darlin'.

I run back to the kitchen and return with a case of beer (Canadian, of course!).

ME: I got this especially for you!

LOGAN: Now THAT'S more like it!

SCOTT: What about me?!

JORDAN: Mommy?

Hmmm. It appears that all the noise has woken my son from his nap. I ponder what to do, then an idea strikes me. (ouch!) Smiling brightly, I turn to Scott.

ME: I know, Scott! You can babysit!

SCOTT: What?!

ME: Do your Steve impersonation! He worships Blue's Clues!

SCOTT: But...but...but...!

ME: Now shush! We've got a story to write!

HANK: Yes, let us begin! What have you written thus far, my dear?

Hank leans over the desk and peers at the monitor. After a moment or two, he begins to blush.

HANK: Oh my stars and garters!

Wondering what the heck he's talking about, I look at the screen.

ME: Oops. Heh heh. Er...Scott and Logan must have opened that file by mistake, when they were fighting over the keyboard.

SCOTT: I wanna see! I wanna see!

Scott tries to push his way to the computer. Logan shoves him roughly into the wall and stares at the screen himself.

LOGAN (grinning lecherously): Blue Fur and Black Stripes, huh? Looks like yer finally gettin' some action, eh Blue?

HANK (his face lavender): When did you write this?! I certainly did not aid you!

ME (sheepishly): Tyger kinda helped me.

HANK: Tyger?!

ME: It was all HER idea. Actually, it's rather tame compared to what she originally wanted me to write.

Hank is now lavender all over. Logan is laughing his head off. Scott is still trying to get at the computer. I quickly close down the file and re-open the Bob story.

ME: Alrighty, then. Can we get started now, PLEASE?!

HANK (clearing his throat and adjusting his spectacles): Harumph...hmmm..er...yes, yes we should begin. Remind me to have a little talk with Tyger when I return, alright?

I nod curtly and set my fingertips on the keyboard.

ME: Well?

HANK: Hmm...alright then, perhaps we should try this...

* * *

I think I need therapy. Or psycho-analyzation. Or maybe I should go the cheap route and lay off the skittles. What do you think?

Anyways, I gotta thank Ice Princess Deluxe for letting me borrow her muse, Logan. Don't worry, I'll return him safe and sound! Oh, and mucho thanks for providing the twinkies! Now that my fuzzy blue genious is back, I'd better keep him happy!

And I'll continue the actual story in the next chapter, I promise!!!