AUTHOR'S WARNING: Yes, the story is finally finished!!! You might want to wrap your brain cells in bubble wrap before reading this last chapter. Your IQ is guaranteed to drop a few points while reading it. Mine did. *fuzzyblue starts cackling insanely and bounces mindlessly around the room*.


* * *

ME: C'mon Hank, pleeeeeeeeaaaaaassssee?!!!

BEAST: No!

ME: Pretty, pretty please with a Twinkie on top?!!

BEAST: My dear, there is absolutely, positively nothing you can do to garner my aid with your stories after the way you humiliated my personage with your 'Things the X-Men Would Never Say' list!

ME (eyes drop guiltily to the floor): Well...yeah...I SAID I was sorry...

BEAST: 'Just call me Dr. Feelgood' indeed! And how can I forget that introduction to 'Clifford the Big Red Dog'?

ME: It wasn't that bad! Besides, you weren't the only one that I poked fun at! And you even laughed at some of them, too!!!

BEAST: That is totally inconsequential and uncircumstantial, not to mention entirely irrelevant! As I have stated quite clearly before, I refuse to help you with any more of your ludicrous stories!

ME: Is that your final word?

BEAST: It most assuredly is!

ME: *sigh* I hate to do this to ya, Hank, but you leave me no choice.

BEAST (raising an eyebrow): Oh?

ME: But the thing is, I've spoken to Tyger about this...

BEAST (looking surprised): You have?

ME: And she says that if you don't help me, she's gonna come over and get me to write a raunchy story about you two.

BEAST (looking nervous): She did?

ME (nodding): AND she says that if you don't help me finish the Bob story, you can forget about back-rubs, fur-brushing, and a lot of other things for the next month *wink, wink*.

BEAST (squirming): Ulp. Well, my dear, it would appear that I have been rather hasty with my previous decision...

ME: Yes, go on...

BEAST: AND you did in fact apologize for that opprobrious piece of 'fanfiction'...

ME (looking smug): Yes I did.

BEAST: And therefore, I rescind my afore-mentioned statement of not offering any compositional assistance, and thusly I am obliged to abet you by any means possible in the further instrumentation of your current parody.

ME: ....? Translation?

BEAST: Turn on your damn computer and let's get writing!

ME: Woo hoo!!!

* * *

CHAPTER 8: Beast to the Rescue!

* * *

ME: 'Beast to the Rescue'???

HANK: Do you want my help or not?

ME: Er...it sounds fine! Honest!

HANK: Alright, then. Let us continue.


* * *


"Prepare to die!!!" cried WrenchGuy, aiming his deathray at the rather bored-looking group of X-men heroes.

Just then, Beast burst into the room.

"Cease and desist your belligerent behaviourism, you perfidious, purple-clad scoundrel!!!" he roared.

His verbal barrage had the desired effect...sort of. WrenchGuy had halted and was staring blankly at the blue-furred mutant. But so were all the other X-Men. (All except the professor, who had fallen asleep again. His head was slumped on his shoulder and a string of drool ran from the corner of his mouth to his shirt collar.)

Hank took advantage of the situation and swooped down on WrenchGuy, relieving him of his deathray. He was about to go for the power-taker-awayer mechanism when suddenly, WrenchGuy shouted:

"Not so fast, Beast!" And he whipped out a pair of battery-operated shaving clippers.

Hank backed away and cringed, petrified. Hank had a phobia of clippers ever since he was attacked by a near-sighted dog groomer last summer. That poodle haircut had left him traumatized for weeks afterwards. WrenchGuy must have checked all their records for weaknesses before launching his attack. A sense of doom crept into the hearts of all the X-Men (or was it indigestion?); this was the smartest villian they had faced so far. (Which really doesn't say much for the other bad guys, now does it?)

* * *

HANK: Traumatized by a poodle haircut?!!! My dear, to paraphrase many a reviewer on ff.net, what are you on and why aren't you sharing?

ME: I'm on Skittles and I'm not sharing 'cause you've got Twinkies. And besides, we don't want you getting TOO big of an ego, now do we?

HANK: I whole-heartedly object! And besides, my speed and reflexes are more than sufficient to have relieved WrenchGuy of his entire arsenal before he could recover!

ME: The power-taker-awayer mechanism was still activated, remember? I had to make it have SOME sort of effect on you. Or would you rather I had made all your fur fall out?

HANK (thinking): Hmmmm....when faced with the possible alternative, I am left with no choice but to use your idea instead, ludicrous as it may be.

ME: Good. Can we continue now?

HANK (grabbing a Twinkie): By all means.

ME: Just don't get any cream filling on the keyboard this time, alright? My husband gave me heck the last time he found it sticky with gooey goodness.

HANK: I will be sure to lick my fingers clean before continuing this rather insane writing endeavour.

(Long pause during which we munch our selected treats.)

HANK: I'll trade you a Twinkie for a handful of Skittles.

ME: Done! Yum!

HANK: Yum!

(Sugar highs ensue.)

* * *

With Beast immobilized by his fear of the clippers, and the rest of the X-Men effectively subdued by the power-taker-awayer mechanism, it seemed that all was lossed. Were the X-Men doomed? Would they ever survive the onslaught of WrenchGuy? Oh, the humanity!!!

Where were we? Oh, yes...

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Now it's time for my revenge!!! Say 'good-bye', X-geeks!!!" WrenchGuy cried out triumphantly.

But before he could enact said revenge, the outside wall suddenly burst open and Magneto entered the room.

"Prepare to die, Charles!!! I know it was YOU who egged my secret hide-out! That's the last time you...." A peeved expression crossed Magnus' face. "Would someone PLEASE wake him up?" he ordered.

Xavier was still asleep. Remy shook the professor, but the man simply snorted loudly as his head flopped to the other shoulder. The snoring continued unabated.

With an apologetic look on his face, Remy turned to Magnus and shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, what am I supposed to do NOW? That was too good of an entrance to just turn back and go home!" Magnus complained as he began to pout.

"Why not try taking your frustrations out on him?" Storm asked, pointing to WrenchGuy. "He could use a good lesson in supervillainy."

"Besides, he stole your costume idea," Bobby added.

"WHAT?!! WHY THAT LITTLE..."

WrenchGuy didn't hear Magneto as the man ranted and raved about plagiarism and copyright laws. All his attention was focused, rather, on the huge hole in the wall. The fingers on his right hand started to twitch, yearning for something. It didn't want a deathray, or a gun of any kind. It wanted...it wanted...a hammer!

WrenchGuy pounded the sides of his helmet with his fists and howled in agony. "Must resist...must...resist...must...not..fix..." he growled to himself through clenched teeth.

"Er...Bob...I mean, WrenchGuy?" Dizzy asked tentatively. "Are...are you alright?"

WrenchGuy howled one last time before throwing down the helmet and whipping out his beloved toolbelt.

"Action stations team!" he cried. "We've got work to do!" And he pulled out a hammer and marched over to the ruined wall.

"But...but what about your revenge?" Dizzy asked.

"Yeah! And what about your plans for world dom...domin...er..for taking over the world?" Muck added.

"That'll have to wait! We've got a wall to fix!"

The machines cheered as the old Bob they loved and knew started giving out orders and organizing the repair crews.

It was at this point that Magneto realized that Bob wasn't listening to him. "Don't you dare walk away from me when I'm talking to you!" he roared. "Come back here!" He made a motion with his hand, but it had no effect whatsoever. He stared at his hand, puzzled, and tried again. Still, nothing happened.

"The power-taker-awayer mechanism is still activated," Jean mentioned helpfully.

"Power-taker-awayer mechanism?" Magneto repeated.

Jean nodded.

Magneto suddenly started stomping his feet on the floor and waving his clenched fists in the air.

"No! No!! No!!! NO!!!! This was supposed to be my day. MY day!!! It's not fair! It's NOT fair!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"

"Now really, Magnus," Storm chastised. "Is this behaviour truly necessary?"

Magneto looked at her, his cheeks red and puffy and lower lip stuck out in an angry pout.

"You've got a better idea?" he muttered angrily.

"I am certain you can think of a more constructive method to vent your anger and frustrations," she lectured.

Magnus was about to stick his tongue out at her when he suddenly remembered that yes, he DID have a back-up plan after all!

* * *

ME: HEY!!! What happened to my Skittles???

HANK: I rescinded one of my precious Twinkies in return for a handful of your delectable rainbow treats, do you not remember?

ME: I meant one of MY handfuls!!! You wiped out over half my Skittle supply!

HANK (crossing his arms over his chest): A deal is a deal.

ME: Then give me another Twinkie to help make up for it!

HANK: No.

ME: Yes.

HANK: No!

ME: Yes!

(There is a brief pause in writing as we start fighting over the remaining Twinkies.)

20 minutes pass. With cream filling smeared around my mouth and skittles stuck to Hank's fur, we continue the story.

* * *

"Hold on just one minute!" Magneto said happily, then reached under his cape and pulled out...Dora the Explorer!

The X-Men gasped. Or maybe they were just stifling a yawn. It's hard to tell.

"I found her wandering around in the woods! Apparently, she was lossed because she didn't have her map with her. But she said she was a new X-recruit, so I kidnapped her!"

Magneto's speech was suddenly interrupted by one of Xavier's long, loud snores.

Magnus' face fell. "This would be SO much better if he was awake! Could one of you pretty please try waking him up again?"

Eager to end the inanity and boredom, Jean bent down and whispered in the professor's ear.

"Cookie."

Xavier's eyelids flew open. "Cookies?" he cried. His eyes darted all over the room. "Where? Where?!" Then he noticed Magneto. "Oh, hi Magnus," he said cheerily. "When did you arrive?"

"It's about time you joined us, Charles," he replied sarcastically. "Now, you must all bow down to me and do my bidding or else I will extinguish Dora's young flame!"

His threat was met with a bunch of blank stares.

Magnus paused for a moment, then tried again. "Commit homicide? End her life?"

He still wasn't getting through to them. He tried one last time.

"Kill her?"

Enlightenment ensued.

"Can we watch?" Rogue asked hopefully.

Magneto was taken aback. "What? Perhaps you still do not understand. I will KILL Dora if you do not surrender to me. Surely you would not allow this, Charles?"

Xavier snorted. "Go right ahead, Magnus. Personally, I am sick of children. Besides, Bobby would probably find a way to prove ME as her father." He shot Iceman a dirty look.

"Well," said Magnus, "you HAVE had a very, shall we say, busy history, Charles. I remember that blonde woman from Washington you fancied, AND that brunette from Pennsylvania, and let's not forget Sally from..."

There was a mass flurry of limbs as the X-Men desperately sought to cover their ears, and as one began to chant, "We don't wanna hear this...we don't wanna hear this..."

All of a sudden, Magnus screamed! (Nobody but Charles heard him, of course, because they all had their ears covered.) Boots the monkey, having seen that his beloved friend Dora was in danger, had lunged at Magneto's face and was trying to poke the man's eyes out.

"You leave Dora alone!!!"

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!!!" Magnus yelled, batting at the flea-bitten simian. But Boots had a death grip on Magnus' chin, and was poking the man's eyes with his free hand for all he was worth (about two cents, by my calculation).

"Good work Boots!" cried Dora, shouting encouragement to the monkey as she began stomping on Magneto's feet and kicking his shins.

"Ow! OW! OWWWW!!!"

"I'm sorry Magnus," said Xavier, who was desperately trying not to laugh, "I would love to help you, I really would, but the power-taker-awayer mechanism has rendered me...well...powerless."

A grey streak suddenly flew into the room and leapt at Magnus. Before Boots could register what had happened, he was on the floor, fighting for breath. Perriwinkle had him in his famous head-lock.

"Eeeeeek!" screamed Dora. "You leave Boots alone!" and she halted her assault on Magnus' already badly bruised shins and ran over to help the monkey.

Perrinkle saw her coming. In the blink of an eye, he released Boots and leapt at Dora. The impact caused the girl to stumble backward, and Perriwinkle jumped off just in time as a screaming Dora fell out of the gaping hole in the wall.

"DORA!!!" cried Boots, and being the mindless moron that he was, leapt out after her.

"Hmmm..." Bob commented. "Maybe we should put up some signs to warn people about the huge gaping hole in the wall. It IS rather easy to miss, after all."

"Good idea Bob!" replied the machines.

The sound of Dora and Boots hitting the pavement three stories below was music to the little cat's ears, and Perriwinkle happily bounded out of the room. He bounced on top of the power-taker-awayer mechanism as he did, causing it to shut off.

It was at this point that the X-Men tentatively unplugged their ears and, discovering that Magneto was no longer talking about Xavier's past love lives, breathed a huge sigh of relief. They were also a little puzzled that Magneto had somehow been defeated, but hey, it was less work for them.

The professor felt a little sorry for Magnus, who was currently limping and rubbing his bruised, swollen eyes.

"Magnus, what say we get you patched up in the infirmary, then go out for some coffee," he suggested.

Magneto was tired and aching, and since he had forgotten what he had been so angry about in the first place, he thought why the heck not and left with Xavier to have coffee at Starbucks.

"Well, I guess that takes care of everything," said Bobby. Then some music erupted out of nowhere as the bug band from the Dora the Explorer show started playing the tune they always do when Dora does something successful.

"EEEEK!!! ROACHES!" Jean screeched. Then she grabbed a can of Raid and let them have it. Some coughing and gagging resulted, and then the bug band was no more.

Now that all the hubbub was over with and Bob and the machines were busily repairing all the damage, the X-Me dispersed to the various parts of the mansion. Hank headed to the bathroom to take have a good, long soak in the tub because, let's face it, if you spent a week in a tree doing reconnaissance, you'd smell bad too.



* * *

HANK: There. Your story is complete. Are you satisfied now?

ME (grinning): Immensely! But shouldn't the chapter be titled, "PERRIWINKLE to the Rescue"?

HANK (firmly): The current title stays.

ME: Okay, fine.

HANK: I am free to go?

ME: Yes...for now.

HANK (raising an eyebrow): For now?

ME: I still need your help the 'Tail of Two Beasts' sequel!

HANK: Sigh. A muse's work is never done.



THE END (you can stop twitching now)