Parvati was called out of class today. She hasn't come back. I looked
over at the Ravenclaw table and Padma wasn't there. I think something must
have happened to their parents.
This is real, now. It's here. I know there have been attacks all through the summer but these are the first ones that I really have a connection to. I've never met them, and it's not like Parvati's my best friend or even close, but it… It's hitting close to home.
Oh, I could be wrong, it could be something completely different, but I just have this feeling that they were called away to be told that their parents are dead. I haven't heard any rumours that could explain it. Maybe Padma had an accident and they called Parvati out of class to keep her company in the Hospital Wing. That would be better.
What kind of parents give identical twins names that start with the same letter? I mean, really, I can understand them wanting to have names that are connected, but surely it would be easier for letters and such if they had different initials at least.
Oh lord, they could have been killed by Death-Eaters and here I am, criticising them for an inability to choose names.
No, they're fine, it was just an accident… Because thinking positive right now is really going to change what happened. And, to be honest, it doesn't really affect me, apart from the fact that I share a room with one of their daughters.
It was a shame she missed the rest of Potions – not because of the class, really, but because Pansy Parkinson (and yet more Ps!) spilled a whole jar of… something, it looked like newt's eyes, but I couldn't be sure… into Malfoy's cauldron and totally messed up his potion. It turned pink and started sputtering, which was quite amusing. More amusing was the fact that Malfoy had to go back and do it all over again, and he couldn't even blame us. He wanted to, but there was no way we could have done it. And Pansy confessed. I think, from the stuttering and blushing, dear Pansy was a little distracted at the time by the vision of manhood whose day she ruined.
It reminded me of the way Ginny used to be around Harry – thank goodness we never had to share a class with her or there's no way we would have managed to do anything. And her marks would have been nowhere near as good as they are. She's quite smart, really – she does well in class because she actually pays attention, unlike some people. I think all the Weasleys are intelligent; they just have a tendency to hide it. I mean, there's no way Fred and George could pull off half the tricks they do if they didn't have reasonable brains beneath those ginger mops, and the same goes for Ron and his chess.
Ron seems to have got a hold on the Weasley temper, now, with the way he's been ignoring the Slytherins – I have to admit I'm a little embarrassed I didn't think of it that way, but it's hard for me to connect what happens here to what happens in the real world. I guess sometimes I still feel like I'm living in a fairytale.
Anyway, I think my intelligence is more related to book-learning than to actually dealing with events and people – like chess, I suppose. I can read every book there is on the subject, and I can appreciate a well-played game, but I just don't have the gift for strategy that will allow me to play well myself. The gift that Ron has. That's not all there is to him, of course, but sometimes it's all people can see that he's good at. They don't notice how kind and brave and funny he is, not to mention smart and loyal and caring and cute…
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Patils are dead. Which is odd, because they were pure-bloods, but… The news came through to us just a few minutes ago, but I guess it must have happened last night because they pulled Parvati out of class this morning. It's easier to attack at night, anyway, because the victims are generally asleep. And then people wake up to see a Dark Mark hanging over their neighbour's house… Makes a great visual for the papers.
This doesn't really change anything, it's another in a series of attacks. True, I'll be around someone directly affected by it for the rest of school, but it's not really any closer to me than when Charlie's friend Karina got killed. He moped around for a couple of weeks then back he went to Romania to lose himself with his dragons. Yes, it affected me but only to the extent that I had to be careful around him and I thought about death more often than I normally would. But none of it's touched me yet.
Harry's being quiet about it, but I think he's added them to his internal list of "people who died because of me" which is a load of bullshit. And I can understand Cedric being there, from what he's told me about the Portkey and the argument they had – not that I'm blaming him because none of it is his fault and I wish I could convince him of that – but just about everyone else is dead because of something they did or were that upset Voldemort. Not that it's their fault either, it's Voldemort's because he's an evil SOB who wants to kill off everyone without an impeccable pedigree, or everyone who annoys him, or everyone who's not quite good enough for him. Well sorry pal, but the mediocre masses will rise up and take you down.
Or wait, we won't, it'll be the brilliant ones. It'll be Dumbledore and Harry and whoever else and they will destroy Voldemort; probably using Unforgivables in the process and helping to prove his propaganda about a chosen few pure-bloods being better than everybody else.
Excuse my issues.
But honestly, it's ridiculous because the smartest witch I know was born to Muggle parents, and Harry's mum was the same, and… Hermione is just wonderful, though. She works too hard and she's far too uptight about absolutely everything but she's bloody fantastic at the same time. And I don't think she knows yet. She went off to the library a little while ago and she had an inkling, I'm sure, but you don't talk about things like that until you're sure and you've been told just in case you jinx it all. And now we've been told. I should go and find her, let her know, let her cry on my shoulder if she feels the need… I don't know where that came from. She's not the crying sort. And she wouldn't want my shoulder anyway. I don't think.
I might let her work a bit longer, because it's impossible to concentrate when you're thinking about stuff like this and if she can't work then she'll get annoyed. And when she gets annoyed I have to deal with it. Don't do very well with it, 'cause I normally just get annoyed right back at her, so then she stops speaking to me. Maybe I should wait until she comes back. But then she might be told by somebody else and then she won't just be annoyed about not being able to work, she'll be annoyed at me for letting her be told by somebody else. And she'll want to know as soon as possible just because she always wants to know stuff and she's always scared of getting left out so…
I'll go tell her.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The common room's quiet tonight. One of our own has been bereaved. It's not as bad as it would be if she had died, so… I can't imagine what it was like in the Hufflepuff common room after the Third Task. Of course, I don't know what it was like here, then, because I was busily passed out in the Hospital Wing.
I don't know if I can stand it.
Ron's off to comfort his other best friend. Girls are easier to deal with in this, I think, because they cry and you give them a hankie and there you go, it's all right again. I know, it's never as simple as that. But with a guy i.e. me, you can slap him on the back and suggest a game of something to take his mind off it, and if he refuses then all you can do is sit there in silence until you think of a good excuse to leave. I don't blame him and it's a damn good excuse that he has, but still…
Great, now I'm jealous of Hermione for getting attention. I do not want attention of any kind, I've had enough to last me three lifetimes already. Who am I kidding? I want that kind of attention. I don't want the "Harry Potter you defeated the Dark Lord you're so wonderful can I take your picture?" Or the "Look at him he thinks he's so special he thinks he's a hero he's nothing at all". I want "Harry I like you I'm concerned about you you're an OK guy maybe". I want… I want love. Who doesn't? I have more now than I used to and I'm still not satisfied because nothing's ever good enough for hero Harry Potter.
I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to sit here and work. But I'm not doing Divination because that's her subject, and I'm not doing Potions because she got called out during that… History of Magic it is. If I can settle my mind to it.
Hmm. OK. Doing an essay might be a bit ambitious at the moment, but I'm sure I can sort out my notes or something like that. Or maybe I'll just stare around the room some more. Representatives of every year, because this is the only place that's warm and comfortable and safe from other people except the dorms and sometimes you just want out of there. I think Dean's up there at the moment to get some time to himself – not sure though. I can't keep tabs on everyone.
I keep an eye on my special friends, though. Ron's with Hermione, Sirius is with Professor Lupin – as far as I know. I can't help thinking they don't tell me everything. In fact, I don't think they tell me a tenth of what they do – but that's probably a good thing. I worry well enough with my nebulous fears; it would be a whole lot worse if I knew they were out there in the thick of it. I can tell myself that I'm being ridiculous and they're probably sitting in front of the fire drinking tea.
I'm alone. I don't have to be, I could join a few of the groups here, but I don't really want to. It's easier to stay alone than to try to join some people and then be expected to talk. And I'm trying to work anyway, remember?
The only person here, honestly, that I would like to sit with – that I can even consider talking to – is Ginny. She's looked in my direction more than once. I'm sure she would come over if I asked her to. I might. I would wait for her to come over to me, but I don't think she would because she's still embarrassed about the crush she had on me. And of course she's not alone. She's sitting in a group with a few other fourth-years, though she's not entirely part of it from what I've seen. She's more a tag-along than an integral part of the gang. So they wouldn't mind, I'm sure, if I walked over there and sat next to her and talked to her. But if I did, they might try to talk to me as well and I don't want that. Hmm.
Next time she looks at me, I'll wave her to come over. She can ignore it if she wants to. Or she can come sit by me. Either would work.
Next time she looks.
This is real, now. It's here. I know there have been attacks all through the summer but these are the first ones that I really have a connection to. I've never met them, and it's not like Parvati's my best friend or even close, but it… It's hitting close to home.
Oh, I could be wrong, it could be something completely different, but I just have this feeling that they were called away to be told that their parents are dead. I haven't heard any rumours that could explain it. Maybe Padma had an accident and they called Parvati out of class to keep her company in the Hospital Wing. That would be better.
What kind of parents give identical twins names that start with the same letter? I mean, really, I can understand them wanting to have names that are connected, but surely it would be easier for letters and such if they had different initials at least.
Oh lord, they could have been killed by Death-Eaters and here I am, criticising them for an inability to choose names.
No, they're fine, it was just an accident… Because thinking positive right now is really going to change what happened. And, to be honest, it doesn't really affect me, apart from the fact that I share a room with one of their daughters.
It was a shame she missed the rest of Potions – not because of the class, really, but because Pansy Parkinson (and yet more Ps!) spilled a whole jar of… something, it looked like newt's eyes, but I couldn't be sure… into Malfoy's cauldron and totally messed up his potion. It turned pink and started sputtering, which was quite amusing. More amusing was the fact that Malfoy had to go back and do it all over again, and he couldn't even blame us. He wanted to, but there was no way we could have done it. And Pansy confessed. I think, from the stuttering and blushing, dear Pansy was a little distracted at the time by the vision of manhood whose day she ruined.
It reminded me of the way Ginny used to be around Harry – thank goodness we never had to share a class with her or there's no way we would have managed to do anything. And her marks would have been nowhere near as good as they are. She's quite smart, really – she does well in class because she actually pays attention, unlike some people. I think all the Weasleys are intelligent; they just have a tendency to hide it. I mean, there's no way Fred and George could pull off half the tricks they do if they didn't have reasonable brains beneath those ginger mops, and the same goes for Ron and his chess.
Ron seems to have got a hold on the Weasley temper, now, with the way he's been ignoring the Slytherins – I have to admit I'm a little embarrassed I didn't think of it that way, but it's hard for me to connect what happens here to what happens in the real world. I guess sometimes I still feel like I'm living in a fairytale.
Anyway, I think my intelligence is more related to book-learning than to actually dealing with events and people – like chess, I suppose. I can read every book there is on the subject, and I can appreciate a well-played game, but I just don't have the gift for strategy that will allow me to play well myself. The gift that Ron has. That's not all there is to him, of course, but sometimes it's all people can see that he's good at. They don't notice how kind and brave and funny he is, not to mention smart and loyal and caring and cute…
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Patils are dead. Which is odd, because they were pure-bloods, but… The news came through to us just a few minutes ago, but I guess it must have happened last night because they pulled Parvati out of class this morning. It's easier to attack at night, anyway, because the victims are generally asleep. And then people wake up to see a Dark Mark hanging over their neighbour's house… Makes a great visual for the papers.
This doesn't really change anything, it's another in a series of attacks. True, I'll be around someone directly affected by it for the rest of school, but it's not really any closer to me than when Charlie's friend Karina got killed. He moped around for a couple of weeks then back he went to Romania to lose himself with his dragons. Yes, it affected me but only to the extent that I had to be careful around him and I thought about death more often than I normally would. But none of it's touched me yet.
Harry's being quiet about it, but I think he's added them to his internal list of "people who died because of me" which is a load of bullshit. And I can understand Cedric being there, from what he's told me about the Portkey and the argument they had – not that I'm blaming him because none of it is his fault and I wish I could convince him of that – but just about everyone else is dead because of something they did or were that upset Voldemort. Not that it's their fault either, it's Voldemort's because he's an evil SOB who wants to kill off everyone without an impeccable pedigree, or everyone who annoys him, or everyone who's not quite good enough for him. Well sorry pal, but the mediocre masses will rise up and take you down.
Or wait, we won't, it'll be the brilliant ones. It'll be Dumbledore and Harry and whoever else and they will destroy Voldemort; probably using Unforgivables in the process and helping to prove his propaganda about a chosen few pure-bloods being better than everybody else.
Excuse my issues.
But honestly, it's ridiculous because the smartest witch I know was born to Muggle parents, and Harry's mum was the same, and… Hermione is just wonderful, though. She works too hard and she's far too uptight about absolutely everything but she's bloody fantastic at the same time. And I don't think she knows yet. She went off to the library a little while ago and she had an inkling, I'm sure, but you don't talk about things like that until you're sure and you've been told just in case you jinx it all. And now we've been told. I should go and find her, let her know, let her cry on my shoulder if she feels the need… I don't know where that came from. She's not the crying sort. And she wouldn't want my shoulder anyway. I don't think.
I might let her work a bit longer, because it's impossible to concentrate when you're thinking about stuff like this and if she can't work then she'll get annoyed. And when she gets annoyed I have to deal with it. Don't do very well with it, 'cause I normally just get annoyed right back at her, so then she stops speaking to me. Maybe I should wait until she comes back. But then she might be told by somebody else and then she won't just be annoyed about not being able to work, she'll be annoyed at me for letting her be told by somebody else. And she'll want to know as soon as possible just because she always wants to know stuff and she's always scared of getting left out so…
I'll go tell her.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The common room's quiet tonight. One of our own has been bereaved. It's not as bad as it would be if she had died, so… I can't imagine what it was like in the Hufflepuff common room after the Third Task. Of course, I don't know what it was like here, then, because I was busily passed out in the Hospital Wing.
I don't know if I can stand it.
Ron's off to comfort his other best friend. Girls are easier to deal with in this, I think, because they cry and you give them a hankie and there you go, it's all right again. I know, it's never as simple as that. But with a guy i.e. me, you can slap him on the back and suggest a game of something to take his mind off it, and if he refuses then all you can do is sit there in silence until you think of a good excuse to leave. I don't blame him and it's a damn good excuse that he has, but still…
Great, now I'm jealous of Hermione for getting attention. I do not want attention of any kind, I've had enough to last me three lifetimes already. Who am I kidding? I want that kind of attention. I don't want the "Harry Potter you defeated the Dark Lord you're so wonderful can I take your picture?" Or the "Look at him he thinks he's so special he thinks he's a hero he's nothing at all". I want "Harry I like you I'm concerned about you you're an OK guy maybe". I want… I want love. Who doesn't? I have more now than I used to and I'm still not satisfied because nothing's ever good enough for hero Harry Potter.
I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to sit here and work. But I'm not doing Divination because that's her subject, and I'm not doing Potions because she got called out during that… History of Magic it is. If I can settle my mind to it.
Hmm. OK. Doing an essay might be a bit ambitious at the moment, but I'm sure I can sort out my notes or something like that. Or maybe I'll just stare around the room some more. Representatives of every year, because this is the only place that's warm and comfortable and safe from other people except the dorms and sometimes you just want out of there. I think Dean's up there at the moment to get some time to himself – not sure though. I can't keep tabs on everyone.
I keep an eye on my special friends, though. Ron's with Hermione, Sirius is with Professor Lupin – as far as I know. I can't help thinking they don't tell me everything. In fact, I don't think they tell me a tenth of what they do – but that's probably a good thing. I worry well enough with my nebulous fears; it would be a whole lot worse if I knew they were out there in the thick of it. I can tell myself that I'm being ridiculous and they're probably sitting in front of the fire drinking tea.
I'm alone. I don't have to be, I could join a few of the groups here, but I don't really want to. It's easier to stay alone than to try to join some people and then be expected to talk. And I'm trying to work anyway, remember?
The only person here, honestly, that I would like to sit with – that I can even consider talking to – is Ginny. She's looked in my direction more than once. I'm sure she would come over if I asked her to. I might. I would wait for her to come over to me, but I don't think she would because she's still embarrassed about the crush she had on me. And of course she's not alone. She's sitting in a group with a few other fourth-years, though she's not entirely part of it from what I've seen. She's more a tag-along than an integral part of the gang. So they wouldn't mind, I'm sure, if I walked over there and sat next to her and talked to her. But if I did, they might try to talk to me as well and I don't want that. Hmm.
Next time she looks at me, I'll wave her to come over. She can ignore it if she wants to. Or she can come sit by me. Either would work.
Next time she looks.
