The Southern Fried Harry Potter

Chapter 3



It was a whirlwind succession of back roads, truck stops, and flea-bag motels. At each one a number of envelopes addressed to "Harry Potter" managed to find them. Harry thought Uncle Vern was on the verge of snapping like a twig.

Until, that is, Uncle Vern thought he'd hit upon the perfect solution. They had stopped at some gas station that also served as a post office and trading post, and Uncle Vern had struck up a conversation with a man he apparently knew. He returned to the truck with a look of relief and an unshakeable grin on his face. "Right, we're set now. Buckle yer seat belts 'cuz it's gonna be a bumpy ride."

Uncle Vern wasn't kidding. He took a side road off the highway for about a mile and a half, and seemed to be looking for some kind of landmark. He apparently found it, and turned off the paved road onto what looked like nothing better than a low spot in the grass.

It turned out there was actually a trail, but it was not easy to see, nor follow. The seat belt idea was definitely a good one as they all got tossed around pretty good inside the truck. Uncle Vern had to slow to a crawl to keep them all from revisiting this afternoons lunch.

They stayed on that trail for what seemed like an eternity, but it turned out Uncle Vern was indeed heading for something. There was a barn sitting out here in the middle of nowhere. Obviously, some kind of horse and/or cattle house out on the old mans land. Uncle Vern rolled to a stop not far from the structure, which after a number of years had turned into little more than a teetering piece of shade. "Yes, this should do the trick" muttered Uncle Vern.

They all wandered inside. It managed to remain dark inside, even though the sun had not completely set yet. Uncle Vern had brought out his big flashlight, and was checking out their new surroundings, chuckling to himself. His revelry was broken by Dirk of all people. "I hate it!" yelled Dirk. "There's not even a TV!"

Uncle Vern almost delivered a strong rebuke, until he caught the look on Aunt Daisy's face. She obviously agreed with Dirk. Uncle Vern just managed to say "We'll give this a try, there's nowhere else to go to tonight. And nobody will find us here."

After a dinner of nearly plastic sandwiches Uncle Vern picked up at their last stop, picked out their respective patches of ground and prepared to get some sleep. Outside, the clouds turned angry and started to grumble, and quickly erupted in a fit of lightning, thunder, and rain.

Thanks to Dirks whining about missing a favorite television show, Harry figured out tomorrow would be his birthday. Well, at least this birthday was going to have a far more interesting story than his previous ones. Not that it was going to be any more enjoyable, mind you.

They had all bedded down, and so far as Harry could tell everyone else had fallen asleep. Harry reflected on how this particular birthday was going to be spent in a smelly, leaky excuse for a barn. He reflected on all those letters trying to get to him and wondered what they were about, who they were from. He hoped that when (and if) they returned to their house that the trailer would be overflowing with letters, and he could finally get his hands on one. Even better, perhaps there were some waiting for him in the ancient RV that served as his room.

Harry got a glimpse of Dirk's watch, and noticed it was only a couple of minutes before midnight. "Well," he thought to himself "Happy Birthday to me."

It sounded as if something was trying to knock the barn down. It sounded as if something were going to knock the thing down and leave no trace of it or anything that was unlucky enough to be inside it. Amid shouts of "What the hell was that?!?" the big barn door just fell into the building. Through it came the biggest man Harry ever saw, and he did not look happy. Not happy at all. All that hair and beard on that huge body just looked very, very unhappy.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that…" the giant said. "Ah guess these doors were meant to slide sideways instead of swing in and out. My bad." He reached down and lifted the massive door with ease and propped it back up. "You got any coffee? I've been on the road a long time. Scoot over ya lump, and let me set a spell." This last he said to Dirk who had been sitting on a bale of hay.

"Who the hell are you?!?" shouted Uncle Vern, who could now be seen to be holding his shotgun. Dirk had skittered behind Uncle Vern and Aunt Daisy. "I demand you leave at once!"

"Oh shut up Dursley" he said, as he reached out and grabbed Vern's shotgun and bent it into an oversized horseshoe with hardly any effort. "Anyway, Harry, a very Happy Birthday to ya. I got somet'in' here for ya somewheres….ah" and he produced a box and presented it to Harry. "It might have got a bit smushed on the way here but it should still be ok."

Harry accepted the box not knowing what to say. The silence was only punctuated by the occaisional bit of thunder, and the odd squeak coming out of various Dursleys. He opened the box cautiously, to find a sizeable birthday cake. Harry wanted to say 'Thank you' but somehow when the words finally came out, they were "Who are you?"

The low grumbling turned out to be the giant chuckling to himself. "True, I haven't introduced mahself. The name's Remus Hackforth, but everyone calls me 'Hack'. I'm 'Keeper of Keys' at Hogwarts. Say, where's that coffee? Or if you have anything stronger, that'd be mighty fine as well…"

He looked around in the clearing, put some straw and spare wood in a pile, squatted down in front of it, and all of a sudden there was a small fire going. Hack produced a poker and some sausages from his many pockets, after removing a few other items of passing interest, and started to cook them.

"Don't touch a thing that man might give you Dirk" said Uncle Vern.

Hack laughed "Yer son don't need fattening up anymore, Dursley, these are for Harry." To Harry they were the best things he'd ever eaten, he was so hungry. Finally, since nobody was talking, Harry said "I'm sorry, but I still don't know who you are…" After a gulp of coffee, Hack said "Call me Hack. Everyone does. And like I told you, I'm 'Keeper of Keys' at Hogwarts. And of course you know all about Hogwarts."

"Er, no" Harry said quietly. Hack looked like he'd just been gut-kicked. "Sorry!" Harry said quickly. "SORRY?" shouted Hack. "It's them who should be sorry" he shouted as he pointed at the Dursleys, who tried to back even further into what was left of the darkness. "I knew you weren't getting' yer letters, but I never thought you'd not know about Hogwarts, for Petes sake. Didn't ya never wonder where yer parents got all their learnin' from?"

"All what learnin'?" asked Harry. "All WHAT?" Hack was incredulous. "Hang on just one second." Hack quickly got to his feet, and in his anger he seemed to have swelled, and filled more of the little barn than before. The Dursleys were cowering. "You mean to tell me this boy, THIS boy, don't know nuthin' from nuthin'?"

Harry took this exactly the wrong way. "I do know some things, like maths and stuff" he said. He did attend public school after all, and while he didn't make the honor roll, his grades weren't what you would call bad. Hack brushed off Harry's words "I mean about OUR world. Your world, my world, yer parents world!"

"What world?" inquired Harry, innocently.

Hack looked as it he was gonna bust. "DURSLEY!!" Hack shouted, anger flaring in his eyes. Uncle Vern merely mumbled something unintelligible. Hack glared at Harry "But you must know about yer mom and dad? I mean, they're famous. Yer famous!"

"What?" exclaimed Harry. "My mom and dad weren't famous were they?" he asked, turning to face the Dursleys.

"You don't know" muttered Hack. "You don't know!" he said more forcefully. Hack ran his fingers through his mane in frustration. "You don't know what ya are?"

Uncle Vernon finally discovered a reserve of courage. "Stop it. Stop right there, buster. I forbid you to tell the boy anything." Hack leveled a gaze on Uncle Vern that would have sent most men running. Every word Hack uttered dripped with fury. "You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left with him? I was there! I saw him leave the letter with Harry! And you've kept it from him all these years?!?"

"Kept what from me?" asked Harry, excitedly but confused.

"Stop! I forbid you!" pleaded Uncle Vern. Aunt Daisey gasped in horror.

"Oh go boil an egg, both of ya" said Hack. "Harry, yer a wizard."

There was silence. Only the wind and the now-distant thunder could be heard. Harry finally found his voice. "Come again?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yer a wizard. And you'll be a real crackerjack too, once you get trained up right, I'd say" said Hack. "With the mom and dad you had, what else would you be? And I reckon it's about time you read yer letter."

With that, Hack reached into yet another pocket and produced another yellowish letter, inked in green. Harry opened it and read "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, headmaster Amos Dumbledore Order of Merlin First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International ComFed of Wizards.

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to announce you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Next semester starts September 1st. We await your owl no later than July 31st.

Yours Sincerely,

Minnie McGonnagal

Deputy Headmistress

Questions ran rampant through Harry's head.

After a few minutes, Harry muttered "What do they mean they 'await my owl'?"

"Oh good grief" muttered Hack. Hack then produced a quill and parchment, wrote a quick note, then produced a very small owl from another pocket, tied to note to its foot and let it go. He sat back down on the hay bale and said "Now…where was I?"

Uncle Vern stepped a little closer. "He ain't goin'."

Hack looked at him with an almost amused look on his face. "As if a great muggle like you is gonna stop him." Hack chuckled.

"A what?" asked Harry.

"A muggle. Um, it's what we call non-magical folks like them. And I'm sorry to say you've been saddled with the saddest bunch of muggles I ever laid eyes on" said Hack.

"We swore we would raise the boy right" said Uncle Vern. "We'd raise him without all that wizardin' nonsense, and beat that stuff out of him if he displayed any. Best thing for him if ya ask me."

Harry leveled a gaze at Uncle Vern and Aunt Daisy. "You knew? All this time? And you never told me??" Harry's voice experienced an uncontrollable crescendo in this string of questions.

"Knew?" bellowed Aunt Daisy. "Of course we knew. How could you not after knowing what my sister was? Oh I remember when my sister got her letter, mom and dad were all over themselves when they learned there was a witch in the family. But I…and only I, saw her for what she really was. A FREAK! Always turning things into other things just for the hell of it. Mom and dad never saw it of course, I suspect she had them under some kind of spell." Aunt Daisy kept going a little while, no doubt unleashing pent up frustration that had built over the last several years. "Then she met that Potter at school. They got married and had you, and I knew you would be just as weird, if not worse. Then she went and got herself blown up and we got saddled with you."

Harry had gone pale. "Blown up?" asked Harry. "You told me my parents died in a car wreck."

"Car wreck?!?" yelled Hack, scaring the Dursleys back into the shadows. "As if anything so earthly could do in Lilly and Earl Potter. That's outrageous! This is outrageous! Harry Potter not even knowing his own story, when every kid in our world knows his name."

"But why? What happened?" Harry asked rather innocently.

The rage faded quickly from Hacks face. He looked at Harry with almost mournful eyes. "Oh, I never expected this" said Hack in a very low voice. "When Dumbledore said there might be trouble getting hold of ya, I never imagined how much ya didn't know. Oh Harry…I don't know if I'm the right person to tell you, but someone's gotta. Ya cain't very well go off to Hogwarts not knowing." At this he directed a scornful look in the direction of the Dursleys.

"Well, it's best you know as much as possible, I'll tell you everything I know, but I dunno everything. Parts of the story may never truly be known." Hack sat back down and stared at the fire for a few moments. "It begins, I suppose, with a person named… named… good grief I cain't believe ya dunno his name. Everybody in our world knows."

"Who?" asked Harry.

"Well, I don't like sayin' the name if I can help it. Nobody does." Said Hack.

"Why not?"

"Great horny toads, Harry, people are still scared." Hack sighed. "See, there was this great wizard who went bad. Bad as you can git. Worse, even. His name was…" Hack swallowed hard, but no words came to him.

"Could you write it down?" asked Harry, trying to help.

"Nah. Cain't spell. Alright, his name…is Old Mort." Hack visibly shuddered after speaking the name. "Don't make me say that again. Anyway, this wizard, about twenty years ago, started gathering followers. Got'em too. Some were afraid, some just wanted to share in a bit of his power, because he was gittin' hisself power alright, they were dark days Harry. Ya didn't know who to trust, didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches, terrible things happened. He was taking over. Some folks stood up to him, and he killed'em. Horribly. Hogwarts was about the only safe place left. I recon Dumbledore was the only one that…you know who…was afraid of. Wouldn't dare try taking on the school, not then, anyway. Now, yer mom and dad were as good a wizards as I ever knew. Head of the class, both of'em, when they were at school. Wonder why 'you know who' never tried to get them on his side, probably figured they were too close to Dumbledore. All anybody knows is, he turned up where y'all was living ten years ago, on Halloween. He came to yer house and…and…" Hack started to sob at this point. "He killed yer mom and dad. I knew yer mom and dad very well. Great people." Hack produced an enormous handkerchief and blew his nose like a foghorn. "Sorry. Anyway, he killed'em. And what's more, he tried to kill you, too. I guess he wanted to make a clean job of it or somethin', or maybe he just liked killin' by that point. Who knows. But he couldn't do it. Ever wonder how you got that mark on yer forehead? That's no ordinary scar. That's what ya get when a powerful, evil curse touches you. It took out yer mom and dad in their own house, but it didn't kill you, Harry. That's why yer famous. Nobody lived after he decided to kill'em. Nobody…except you. And he killed some of the best of time, too. But you was only a baby, and you lived."

Inside Harry's mind was pain. As Hack told his tale, Harry saw again a blinding green flash of light, more clearly than he ever recalled before. And he recalled something else too, a high pitched, cold and cruel laugh.

Hack watched Harry with sad eyes. "I took ya from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders, and brought you to this sorry lot."

"What a bunch of garbage" said Uncle Vern, who had obviously found his courage once again. "Now listen up, boy. I admit there's something weird about you, but it's nuthin' a good whoopin' won't fix. As for all this about yer parents, they were pretty weird, no denyin' that, but the world is better of without them if ya ask me. Reaped what they'd sewn if'n ya ask me, getting mixed up with that lot."

Hack almost jumped up from the hay bale, drew out his pink umbrella, and pointed it at Uncle Vern like some kind of gun. "I'm warnin' ya Dursley, one more word…"

Uncle Vern's courage managed to leave him once again, and he fell silent.

Harry still had millions of questions. "But what happened to Ol'…sorry, to 'you know who'?"

"Good question. He vanished. Same night as when he tried to kill you. Makes you even more famous. See, that's the big mystery. He was getting more and more powerful…why'd he go? Some say he died. Horseapples in my opinion. Not sure he was human enough to die. Some say he's still out there, biding his time, but I don't believe it. People who were on his side came back to ours. Some as if they'd come out of some kind of trance. Most of us think he's still out there somewhere but lost his powers, too weak to carry on. There's somethin' about you that finished him, Harry. Something he didn't count on. I dunno what, nobody does. But somethin' about you stumped him."

Hack looked at Harry with warmth and respect. While Harry should have felt proud, he couldn't help but feel some terrible mistake had been made. A wizard? Him? How could that be possible? He'd spent his life being a whipping boy for Dirk, Unlce Vern and Aunt Daisy. If he was really a wizard, how come they weren't turned into toads anytime they tried to do anything to him? If he had once beaten the most powerful wizard in the world, how come Dirk could kick him around like an old can?

"Hack" Harry said quietly, "I believe you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."

To his surprise, Hack just laughed. "Not a wizard, hey? Never made anything happen when you was scared? Or angry?

Harry stared at the fire. Now that he thought about it, there were some very odd occurrences whenever he was truly angry or scared. All those odd little occurrences he swore were not his fault all of a sudden made sense. Why Uncle Vern and Aunt Daisy always blamed him for anything weird suddenly fell right into place.

Harry smiled. "See?" said Hack. "Harry Potter not a wizard. Right. You'll be famous at Hogwarts."

"He's not going to Hogwarts. He's going to public high school and he'll be grateful. I saw that letter, and the things he needs. Wands? Spellbooks? You can't be serious" said Uncle Vern, whose roller coaster courage was apparently back on the upswing.

"Stop Lilly and Earl Potters' son from going to Hogwarts? You've gone loco. You cain't keep him outta Hogwarts, his name's been on th' list ever since he was born. He's off to the greatest school of wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won't know hisself. He'll be with kids of his own sort for a change, and under the tuteledge of the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever had: Amos Dumbledore." said Hack.

"I ain't gonna pay one red cent to send him to some school where some crackpot is gonna teach him cheap magic tricks" stated Uncle Vern forcefully, and more notably, courageously. But he had finally overstepped his bounds.

Hack rose to his full height and faced Uncle Vern, approaching him very slowly, his right fist clenching on his pink umbrella. "Don't even let me think fer one moment I'm hearin' you say ANYTHING bad about Amos Dumbledore in MY presence."

He brought the umbrella swishing down pointing at Dirk, there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a thunderclap, a loud squeal and Dirk was dancing around with his hands grasping his sizeable backside, howling in pain. When he turned his back to them, Harry saw a curly pigs tail protruding from a hole in his pants.

Uncle Vern roared, grabbed Dirk and Aunt Daisy, and headed for the refuge of the back of the barn.





NOTES:

Not much for this one I'm afraid. I used the term 'car wreck' because that's what I grew up calling them, wasn't sure if that was a very clear term or not.