A/N: Well, I DID tell you that it would take a long time. And the next chapter will take a while, too. You'll live. Thank you to my reviewers. I would thank you individually, but I think I already have. Except Silvercry. Thank you Silvercry for reviewing, even though I did not ask you to and/or bug you incessantly about it. Even though you probably don't even read the author's note and will therefore never see your thanks. Even though you've probably forgotten all about this story and will therefore never come back to read it anyway. Also, what I write in this story contradicts the way that I think things actually happened (one example would be that I think James and Sirius met Remus at school, as opposed to them all being friends before). Just felt like I should throw that in. Also, pretend that when I mentioned "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" in the first chapter it read instead "Yellow Submarine". I don't know Professor Binn's first name, if he has one, or where to find it if he does. So I made one up. Live with it. See chapter one for disclaimer. Anyway. On with it....

Dedications: Bella. I forgot to add her before. Yeah. Sorry.

Credits: Thanks to Beth for the "hooka pipe" thing. I also blame Beth for the "walking shag carpet" line. And... pretty much anything that has to do with the Chesire Cat will probably belongs to Beth in some way, because I modeled the Chesire Cat after her (the Chesire Cat is the purple cat, by the way). So major kudos to Beth, who added a lot of Betharization to the story. And mucho gracias to Reine who let me use the word "frolicked" even though she doesn't own it. Thanks to Bella for 1/3 of the chapter title.

225 British pounds equals somewhere around 350 US dollars. Unless that website was wrong, in which case I'm not at fault. If you have any questions about the British slang I used here.... then.... go look it up on the internet because I don't feel like explaining it.

~*~

Chapter Two:
Of Yellow Submarines, Purple Cats, and Oyster Ice Cream

~*~

"Can I help yeh, Miss?"

Lily cast a skeptical look over the creature that stood in front of her. These goblins looked terribly untrustworthy, and the way they bowed at her when she came in was just strange. But she needed wizard money, and this was the place to get it.

"Yes, I---"

"Yeh need to get to yer vault! Well, that's just dandy, lassie, and I happen to be able to help yeh."

"Actually, I just---"

"Now, lassie, I'll be needing yer key, and then we'll set off."

"But I don't---"

"Misplaced yer key? Well, now, lassie, that just won't do. I'm afraid I won' be able to help yeh none if yeh don' have yer key...."

"Well, I don't---"

"Aye! Phil! O'er here, laddy!"

Lily sighed with excruciating frustration and ignored the impulse to bash the goblin's head in with her cauldron. Things weren't supposed to be this difficult. She inwardly groaned as another goblin came trotting up, his uniform decidedly too tight. Lily crossed her arms and stopped fighting. Might as well let the dunderheads have their morning dose of stupidity.

"What is it, Pat? Yeh need help finding the bathroom again? Yeh need to learn to find that place on yer own, laddy---"

"No, no, no, not that, Phil. This lassie here has lost her key. There's no getting into her vault without it."

"Ah," nodded Phil intelligently. "Well, I suppose we could just give her a new vault, but then she'd lose all the money she has in her other one, a' course...."

"Right, right," agreed Pat. "Or she could come back later once she's found her key, that's always an option."

"True, true. Or---"

"Thank you for all your marvelous help, gentlemen, but I realize now that I've come in here by mistake. Terribly sorry for the inconvenience, I'll just leave now." And she turned around before either of the two goblins could say anything, walking briskly out of the doors and ignoring those bowing doormen, pewter cauldron swaying with her swift strides.

~*~

Once out of the classy bank (and far from those impertinent goblins), Lily sat on the very bottom step that belonged to the stairs that led up to the golden front doors of Gringotts. Sulkily, she set down her cauldron and put her chin in her hands and glared at the cobblestone street.

Now what am I supposed to do? Stupid goblins....

Lily looked up as a shadow fell over her, and straight into the merrily twinkling blue eyes of that Dumbledore madman. Perfect. Just what I need....

Only he didn't look quite like the Albus Dumbledore that Lily had met the day before. His wardrobe consisted of a long, flowing, deep purple robe, with sequined turquoise bows protruding from it at odd places, and a very unusual train in the back that put the image of a caterpillar in Lily's mind. Dumbledore's cloak, a vivid lime green, was festooned with so many glitters and shimmers that it was nearly blinding. His beard and hair were in dreadlocks, which shocked Lily to no end, and sent her eyebrows shooting past the norm on her forehead. He was smoking a long, wooden pipe, which emitted a strange purple smoke and smelt suspiciously like Lily's favorite candy (lemon drops, of course). His wizard's hat was yet another idiosyncrasy, with it being a vibrant canary yellow, and large neon orange feathers sticking out at peculiar angles. All in all, it was a very strange site to see, and Lily was nonplussed as to what this lunatic wanted now.

With one hand behind his back and the other gripping his hooka pipe, Dumbledore raised a cynical eyebrow at Lily and stepped back as she stood up. He then removed the pipe.

"Well now, Miss Evans. I see you have given up." Lily blinked up at him. "Let me give you a piece of advice, as I am a renowned wizard and am ultimately knowledgeable in areas that you have no comprehension whatsoever of. The Words of Wisdom I shall bestow on you are words that you may carry with you throughout your life and beyond." Lily desperately wished this man would just hurry up and spit it out before she lost her patience and whacked him upside the head with her very heavy cauldron. "Life is like a yellow submarine, Lily. If you don't work it correctly you could wind up with icky sea water leaking in and falling on your head or having big intimidating sharks rip it to pieces while you swim for dear life. Now I want you to go out there and steer your yellow submarine the best you can."

". . ."

The man is an absolute wanker.

And Lily simply stood there staring.

Then a sudden ray of light shown down on Dumbledore and made his dreadlocks glow and the glittery clothing gleam, and Lily could almost hear the angel voices harmonizing as Dumbledore took off his cloak and ceremoniously threw it to the ground, revealing two large, purple-and-blue cloth-covered wirey things that Lily could only classify as wings. These wings, sparkly and floaty-looking, made Lily wonder why no one else was staring. Then the madman beamed proudly and pranced around the street, singing the lyrics to the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" quite loudly before traipsing off to scare someone else (I knew he'd stolen my record...).That's when Lily decided to scram before he came back and demanded she join him in rasping out the chorus. So she picked up her cauldron, turned around, and glared determinedly at the formidable building. Then she took confident steps up to those golden front doors and nodded importantly to the bowing goblins before continuing with her self-assured march. She stopped in front of an unoccupied clerk.

"Good morning sir, I'd like to make an exchange," Lily said with poise. She pulled out her mother's purse (she'd stashed it in her cauldron) and took out all the cash her mother kept in there---around 225 pounds---and spread it out on the counter. The sour-looking goblin peered down its excessively long nose at Lilyy's muggle money with beady, mean little eyes. Sniffing arrogantly and stealing a swift, disdainful glance at Lily's jeans and wrinkled t-shirt, the goblin nodded curtly.

"Very well. How would you like to receive your wizard money?" Lily blinked.

"Excuse me?" The goblin gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Galleons, sickles.... How would you like it?" Lily was silent and the goblin sighed exasperatedly again. "Look, miss, I am a very busy goblin, and I haven't the time to explain the currency to you. Why don't you run along now and find someone who can?" Lily faltered under the imperious stare of the dreadful creature and nodded stiffly, gathering her money and turning around in defeat. She was just about to walk out the silver doors for a second time when they opened and a very large, very purple cat with a hefty amount of fur came bounding at her. Before Lily could dive out of the way, the thing pounced on her, sending her to the ground with a dull thump and her cauldron clanking loudly as it hit the marble floor.

Well, isn't this just bloody lovely, Lily thought resentfully and she propped herself up by her elbows and glared at the cat (She must weigh at least thirty pounds, Lily deducted). "Would you mind moving, please?"

The cat yawned and Lily could feel (and smell) it's icky cat-breath on her face.

"You are so lucky I don't have a fork with me," she told it sullenly. It grinned widely and Lily did a double take. I'm going barmy, she thought to herself. Cat's don't grin.

"And just where do you think you are going, Miss Lily?" purred the cat in a silky voice. Lily's elbows nearly gave out.

Now, Lily had seen a lot of weird things in her lifetime---most of them today---but never in her life had she ever even dreamed of finding a purple talking cat sitting on her chest. I already am barmy, Lily panicked, eyes growing to relatively the size of large dinner plates. She mouthed wordlessly for a few moments before stuttering out:

"Wha---What are you?"

"Me? Felis domesticus, dear. A cat. A puss. A grimalkin. Sweetums to a few old hags that hang around the Leaky Cauldron."

"Cats. Don't. Talk."

"Yes, dear, and humans don't walk on all fours, but some do anyway. Nonetheless, I can talk, and I'm here to give you some advice." Recovering from the initial shock, Lily sat up straight in one quick motion and grabbed the cat under its front legs.

"Now look here, you---you thing," Lily sneered. "I have had enough advice, thank you very much, and I am not about to take any ideas from a walking shag carpet who talks if it's all the same to you. And if it is, I don't care, so you can just---"

"Dear, would you belt up and listen for a moment? Put me down." Hesitatingly, Lily obediently (albeit confusedly) complied. "Now, I was just going to say before I was so rudely mistaken for carpeting, that if you would direct your attention to the plaque on the wall, you will find that it explains just what the wizarding currency is, how it operates, and how much you will get in exchange for your muggle money. After you have it all figured out, you turn around, walk to the arrogant goblin, and tell him what you want." Lily gazed at the sign. "And if he doesn't give it to you harpoon him." Lily blinked.

"Um, I don---"

"If you haven't got a harpoon you certainly should get one. They're very handy when going after whales and/or dimwitted, stuck-up goblins."

"That's---that's lovely, but---"

"And crossbows are awfully nifty, too. I had a friend who had a very spiffy crossbow. She caused the fall of the Roman empire, she was the real mastermind behind World War II, and she once threw a spoon at a very ugly poodle."

"Erm... that's... nice.... Can you get off me now?"

"I have to go see a man about a yellow submarine, anyway." And with that, the purple cat slowly disappeared, leaving Lily staring at air, and quite a few goblins glaring at her. She shook her head, decided she'd best not ponder the response, heaved herself up and picked up her cauldron, then walked over to the plaque the feline had mentioned.

After studying the chart for a few moments and gathering what she felt was an adequate amount of information, she stalked resolutely to that same supercilious clerk that she had dealt with before---only to be intercepted by none other than Pat and Phil.

Lily groaned in exasperation. This is just so bloody typical...

"Well, look at what the cat dragged in!" Lily flinched at the phrase Pat had directed at her.

"Aye, lassie, I thought yeh'd been off?" said Phil.

"Oh... well..."

"Oi! You there! Get over here and clean up this mess!" Shouted some aristocratic voice to Pat and Phil. The two goblins glanced at each other and then nodded.

"Right, right, best be off to clean that..." muttered Pat, as Phil was taking a swig of what Lily recognized as Irish whiskey. Then the two bounded off, Phil pausing when Pat tripped on a suspicious-looking purple tail suspended in midair.

"So they were janitors," murmured Lily to herself. "Well, that explains it..."And with that Lily once again approached the clerk and spread out her money.

"Sir, I would like to exchange my muggle money---" Lily winced as she heard a crash from the area that Pat and Phil had wandered to.

"Someone! Get a potion! A medi-wizard! Enathin'!"

"Whiskey!"

"Right then."

"For him, not you!"

Came the chorus of voices that Lily heard, one strongly Irish. She blinked and glanced up at the snooty goblin, who was looking none too happy to see her.

I wonder if there's any places that sell harpoons around here....

~*~

As Lily stood outside Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, she stared apprehensively at the door. I'm really not prepared for another song and dance routine, she thought anxiously as she walked in the store. Immediately, Lily was seized by a plump, tarried yet pleasant-looking woman, who introduced herself as Madame Malkin before taking Lily's cauldron and sending it hovering in midair by the door, then hurriedly ushering Lily to the back of the shop and standing her on a stool.

"Wait here, dear. My assistant'll be right with you," Madame Malkin said breathlessly before toddling away.

Lily nodded and glanced around the room, gazing at her reflection. She stared at her green eyes, so cynical-looking for an eleven-year-old's, and frowned. What on earth have I gotten myself into?

Just then, a middle-aged, wiry old witch stalked in, muttering obscurities, a very sour expression on her face. She was the complete opposite of Madam Malkin, and Lily was slightly startled. The assistant shot an acidic look at Lily before roughly shoving a black robe onto her tiny frame and then magically directing the needles where to sew with her wand.

"Erm... Hello," was Lily's attempt at etiquette. It was her very first time trying to be polite in a very long time, and she wasn't quite sure how well it worked, so she studied the face of the assistant closely for the reaction.

The assistant's look changed only in the scrunching up of her nose. She grunted in reply before accidentally directing a needle to poke Lily savagely. Lily bit her lip to avoid crying out and tried to ignore the little voice in her head that kept saying, "You know karate... just one move... and no one will ever know..."

"So... how are you?" came Lily's second effort at decorum. Her question was met with a tug at the hem of her robe that nearly sent her falling from her stool. Fine. Forget bloody civility. I'll just pretend she's not here and soon I'll be done.

This theory worked rather well for a few minutes. Then the assistant stood up and walked in front of Lily, placing her hands on her hips. She traced her cold, critical eyes over Lily's stature before sneering resentfully. Then she proceeded to yank the robe off of Lily, grabbing a few locks of her hair and tugging them viciously in the process.

Lily was a tough little girl. Sure, she didn't look it, but she certainly had a temper to match that red hair of hers, and it didn't take much to set her off. Some people were better at getting Lily angry than others (Petunia, for instance, was a complete expert at infuriating her), but nonetheless, Lily was not one to tolerate being poked and prodded and pulled needlessly when all she had done was tried her skills with propriety.

So she spun around, spat a few choice words at the insubordinate assistant that her parents certainly wouldn't have approved of (and I'm sure the assistant was marveling at the fact that an a little girl who looked two years younger than she was knew offensive terms like that), and hopped off the stool, making a mad dash for the shop entrance/exit, still wearing the unhemmed, baggy robes. She jumped up a bit to snatch her cauldron from it's resting place in the air and threw open the door before bounding out into the street, robe unpaid for and all.

~*~

Theoretically, Lily filched the robe. But in terms of humanity, Lily earned it. And when it came to what Lily thought about the entire thing, there really isn't much to say, because Lily couldn't have cares less about it. She was more worried about not tripping over the long material while walking at a brisk pace and carrying a rather heavy cauldron than she was about having wizarding cops come and shove her in prison.

Do they have wizard police?

It doesn't matter. You don't care.

I care whether there are cops tailing my bum or not....

Quiet.

After stopping at an adequate robe shop and purchasing the correct attire (and having the parcels magicked to fit into her cauldron), Lily frolicked over to some place called Flourish and Blott's, because that's where the nice witch that sold her her robes said to get her books.

"Chivvy along, Peter, chivvy along now; we still have to go to the apothecary," said a rather annoyed looking woman as she passed Lily. She was sending Irritated Mother looks at her slightly pudgy son, whom Lily recognized from the muggle market.

"We're going to be late to Florence Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, Mum! She's unveiling a new flavor ice cream today! OYSTER ICE CREAM, MUM! OYSTER!" squealed the boy, eyes growing wide with emphasis. The mother sighed exasperatedly.

"No, Peter. Now come--- ...Oyster ice cream, hmm? Well... maybe--- No! We have too many other things to do! Now come along." And she gave aa sharp yet motherly tug on his wrist, pulling him across the street.

Lily had been so involved in watching the two that she had just realized that there were three gleeful boys wreaking havoc just outside the entrance to Flourish and Blott's. The boys--- two with black hair and one with brown, and Black Hair #1 wearing wirey spectacles and looking like he'd never heard of a brush ---were painting. And not just your average, paintbrush-and-paintcan, touching-up-the-house kind of painting. Oh, no. Not from these deliciously malevolent lads. They were painting an owl. And what a peculiar owl it was: All a searing, blinding white. The poor thing looked none too happy at being painted greens and blues and purples and plaids.

Lily had come to expect such idiosyncrasies in the wizarding world, but that didn't mean she had gotten used to them. She stared shamelessly at the scene, wondering what in the world the purpose was for torturing the creature.

Maybe they just like hearing it squawk...

In any case, Lily was perfectly comfortable gazing perplexedly at the now cow-spotted owl. It appeared that the boys were trying a number of different patterns, either because none of them seemed to fit the owl or because they just enjoyed doing it.

I think they like hearing it squawk....

Lily's musings were interrupted, however, when a certain imposing and authoritative (and overall scary) presence made itself known.

A very tall witch wearing crisp red robes with minuscule gold lions all over it and a deep velvet red witch's hat with an rather impressive gold circlet over it stood with her hands on her hips, glaring at the three guilty ones. She had put her coal-black hair in a tight bun at the base of her neck, and her lips were pursed and thin to a point where Lily thought she might eat them. The way this woman held herself left Lily quite terrified, and so she took a step back, hoping to evade sight.

"What do you think you are doing?" she asked the trio of troublemakers, her voice commanding and frightening while she emphasized more than she needed to. They jumped a foot in the air upon hearing her voice and tried in vain to hide the paintbrushes. Black Hair #1 and Black Hair #2 smiled up at her innocently (they did an excellent job; Lily thought their expressions resembled the faces sculpted onto those holy statues of saints at churches and cathedrals) while Brown Hair kept his eyes on the ground, shamefaced. The owl (now a shocking neon green, and decorated with the most obscene graffiti) squawked approvingly at the witch's reprimand.

"You three had better watch yourselves once you get into Hogwarts! This type of behavior is not tolerated! And that poor owl! Don't you ever do anything like this again! Or you can count on getting more detentions than you can handle at school!" A teenage couple giggled juvenilely as they rushed past the scary woman, holding hands. "You two! Detention!" The boy turned around.

"But it's the summer holidays, Professor!"

"Detention!"

The boy grinned and rolled his eyes before grabbing the girl's hand again and traipsing off. "I'll get you at Hogwarts, boy!" shouted the witch, the professor, before turning back to the Troublemaking Three, only to find that they'd disappeared, leaving only their pallets and brushes as evidence of the prior scene (apparently they'd taken the owl with them). The Queen of Detentions (as Lily had taken to calling her) glared fervently at the leftover pallets before switching her trained eyes to Lily's curious face.

"You," the Queen of Detentions spat maliciously, pointing her straight, imposing finger inches from Lily's nose. "You do know that staring is rude and improper, don't you? Obviously you do, as any self-respecting parent would teach their child that. Why, then, do you stare? DETENTION!" Lily never had a chance to put in her two cents. Not that she would have dared interrupt the Queen of Detentions, anyway. She'd probably have been prosecuted or executed or whatever they did to people in this crazy place. Lily just stepped back away from the Queen, and kept stepping back, away from that accusing finger and ominous glare and emphasizing voice, until she had stepped back far enough to crash into the door to Flourish and Blotts, which she promptly whirled around and opened before bounding through.

~*~

Emerging from the bookshop precisely two and a half hours later (and dragging a trunk full of her newly-purchased books, robes, and cauldron behind her), Lily felt she was a new woman.

I feel like a new woman....

Shut up.

So she didn't really feel like a brand new woman. That would be hard to do, considering the laws of whatever rule pertains to something like that. But she did feel a great deal more knowledgeable about her position in the wizarding world and just what exactly these magic folk did.

Books were wonderful objects, she had decided. And they had certainly provided her with more information than that weirdo Dumbledore had. And according to a rather fascinating book she'd picked out, she wouldn't be able to use her magic during summer break due to wizarding laws and restrictions. Which meant no cleaning house, no cooking, and no repairing.

Oh, the devastation.

Of course, it also meant no hexing Petunia with the Warty Whizzer spell she'd glanced, but hey, you give a little to get a little.

The book also went on to mention bits about what you could use toe fungus for in your everyday potions and brews, but being the very, very good person that I am, I will not list them, as they are likely to make you regurgitate whatever you had for lunch.

And so Lily walked contentedly down the walk, dragging her trunk while reading 100 Spells to Get Rid of Household Pests (Lily was trying to find something on irritable older sisters in there somewhere).

Now, as you know, not watching where you're walking is a relatively dangerous thing to do. Not as dangerous as setting fire to your boss's office trash can or trusting teenagers in kitchens, but dangerous nonetheless. You could accidentally run into someone and dislocate their chin, and then where would you be?

Poor Lily, however, didn't know this, and she'd be worse off for it.

Her jolly pace was broken as she bumped into an excessive stomach and bounced off it, stumbling to the ground and dropping her book, which just narrowly missed splashing into a peculiar looking puddle of... something orange. Somewhere above her, she heard a distinctly ape-ish voice.

"Goyle, I think you killed her..."

"Doh-oh...."

Lily opened her glaring eyes and snatched up her book. "I greatly appreciate having you two morons run into me and knock me over," Lily started, ignoring the fact that she had run into them and instead double-checking her book to make sure it wasn't damaged, "thereby spilling my possessions and not helping me gather them as any normal person would. Really, I'm very appreciative," she finished as she grabbed the handle of her trunk. "Now, would you two dunderheads mind moving so that I might be able to pass?"

"Duh-uh...."

Lily rolled her eyes and cursed her luck, wondering what god she had angered now to deserve such treatment. It really wasn't fair, after all. All of this running into the worst sorts of people, talking to purple cats, it really was unnecessary. And now she had to deal with stupid gorillas?

She glared daggers and blood at the two primates, putting all of her frustration into her expression, hoping they would tear off in the other direction screaming for their mummies.

She didn't get quite the effect she'd hoped for.

"You're a Slytherin, aren't you? Wassyer name?"

"Mary Poppins," Lily answered sarcastically and somewhat bitterly. (Well, they weren't screaming. That could make anyone bitter.)

"How old are you, Mary?"

"Eleven. I would ask you how old you are, but I doubt you can count that high."

"Yurp, she's a Slytherin all right. Whaddaya say we have ice cream together, a meal for mighty Slytherins, eh Goyle?"

"Uh-huh," Goyle nodded fervently. And before Lily could protest, she was dragged into Florence Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor.

Poor Lily. She didn't even have time for a cynical remark before she was thrown into another nut house.

~*~

"Double fudge chunk with peanut butter syrup," said Goyle through a mouthful of that ice cream.

"Maple chocolate mint with cinnamon pudding and marshmallow cream," argued Crabbe, the aforementioned dripping down his four chins. It was the most Lily had heard him say. Not that she wanted to hear him talk anyway. At the moment, all Lily wanted was to escape Florence's shop and the squabble about which ice cream was better. She hadn't even touched her blueberry muffin ice cream, which Goyle had ordered for her. Not that she wanted to eat it anyway. She simply sat sullenly at the white circular table, glaring at Goyle and Crabbe and her ice cream.

This is truly punishment for something utterly despicable I've done in a past life....

And she continued to glare.

And glare.

And glare.

And after getting tired of glaring (being that no one seemed to care, and the ice cream wasn't even melting from the heat she radiated with those looks), she directed her attention to the other conversations as to avoid going insane.

"You'll die a horrible death," said a fairly young-looking witch with excessive jewelry and glasses far too big for her face to a rather large man with a moustache who paid her no attention at all. "Terribly awful will the fire that will consume you be. Just dreadful," emphasized the witch, obviously trying to get a gasp of terror from the man, or at least a grunt of some kind. He merely went on eating his oyster ice cream, not even glancing up at the woman. "There'll be a lovely funeral for you, Joonius, and the tragedy of your death will be largely mourned by all your students." The woman sighed. "And then you'll come back as a ghost and keep teaching because you're just that dim and tedious, and all the students will know you as 'Professor Binns, that boring ghost who teaches History of Magic," she added in a last futile attempt to get any response from "Joonius".

Lily blinked. That was her History of Magic teacher?

Boy, was Lily going to be learning a lot at Hogwarts.

Just then, a large tub marked "Oyster Ice Cream" crashed to the floor on its side, spilling out not only oyster ice cream, but also three little girls, none over five years old, who were covered in it. Florence came rushing over, her kind features bent into a look of anger. She stood imperiously over the three girls with her hands on her hips, her eight-year-old son, Florean, poking his head out from around her legs.

"Flora Francine Fortescue," began Florence, glaring at the tallest girl, who had her mother's dark chocolate-colored hair. "I am ashamed and utterly appalled at your behavior. I trusted you girls not to get up to any trouble today, and what do you go and do?"

"But Mummy, they're OYSTERS! OYSTERS ARE GROOVY!" Florence put her hands to her temples.

"It was all her fault, Mrs. Fortescue," began the girl to the right of Flora. "She forced me to climb into that tub and eat that ice cream. I had no cho--"

"Oh, stuff it! You were just whining about how Lulu was hogging it all!" Flora nodded her head to the last girl, the tiniest, and the dirtiest. Lulu didn't do anything to show that she had heard them. Instead, she continued licking her fingers and chewing on her ice cream-soaked hair.

Lily blinked at Lulu. What an odd assortment of children, she thought. She looked back at Crabbe and Goyle.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

It was as though she were continually banging her head against a brick wall. This is the kind of thing that makes people go insane.

At that precise moment, a tall, thin girl that looked about Lily's age came barging through the door to the shop, long hair tousled, looking livid.

"You!" She pointed her finger at Flora and her friends. "What have you done?! You've wasted perfectly good oyster ice cream! This is horrendous! Terrible! An utter scandal! How could you?!" The girls merely blinked at her with a mixture of childlike confusion and innocence. Florence ignored this new character and was instead making herself a cup of hot tea. The Psychotic Newcomer glared at the three girls. "You shall pay for this! The Great Baboon will not be pleased!"

Let us take this opportunity to pause and sympathize for our poor Lily, who would need much therapy after the day was over.

Done? Good.

The Psychotic Newcomer glanced at Lily then. Then she glanced at Goyle and Crabbe. Then back at Lily. Then she strode over to the table and pushed Goyle and Crabbe by the back of their heads into their bowls of ice cream. Lily barely had time to grab her trunk handle before the Psychotic Newcomer snatched her sleeve and pulled her out of the shop.

~*~

"I'm neighbors with those two daffodils, so I know how you felt. No charge on me rescuing you, I do rescues all the time. But if you feel the need to repay me I've got nothing against it. A gift certificate to Zonko's would do me just fine. Name's Bella, by the way. Arabella Figg, actually, but you can call me 'Your Majesty'." Lily nodded slowly. They were walking down the main street, right down the center of it, and Bella was leading the way.

That girl scared Lily in a strange way. Lily had thought that she wouldn't be the only one alarmed by this loony presence, but then she remembered that no, she shouldn't assume things in this crazy place, because she would only be proved terribly, terribly wrong.

"And then I said, 'Well, I've got an aunt who can make a great Tabasco pie,' and he walked away shaking his head. Anyway, what's your name?"

"Mary Poppins," said Lily dazedly.

"SPIFFY! What's your real name?"

"Huh?" Lily blinked. "Oh. Lily Evans."

"I like Mary Poppins better. C'mon, Mary, let's go in here." Bella tugged Lily into a store called "Quality Quidditch Supplies". Judging by the insides of the store, they either sold sports equipment or kitchen utensils. Lily would have believed either one. There really was no telling with these magic folk.

"Pookey, this is Mary, a penguin I rescued from a pair of gorillas today. Mary, this is Pookey. He's a professional ballerina," Bella gestured to the store clerk, who was flipping through what looked like a broom catalog. "'Lo Mary," nodded the clerk. "I'm Eddie, Bella's brother."

"Hello," said Lily politely. She waited for Eddie to start raving about emus or something equally unorthodox. He went back to his catalog. Then Bella began to whack him on the head with one of those club things lying about and Lily decided to browse a bit.

The store was rather large, with all sorts of odd things in it. More of those clubs, strange balls, quite a large selection of brooms, and what Lily assumed were uniforms. When she got to the back of the store, however, Lily saw a most peculiar item.

Three boys, whom she recognized as Black Hair #1, Black Hair #2, and Brown Hair, were wearing those uniforms, and were riding the brooms, throwing around one of the red balls. Black Hair #1 swooped down upon noticing Lily and hopped off his broom.

""Lo there, I'm James Potter. These are my associates Remus Lupin," Brown Hair joined them on the ground, "And Sirius Black." Black Hair #2 grinned at Lily and nodded to her. "We were just testing these lovely Quidditch appliances to make sure they were up to beat. Care to join us?"

"What's Quidditch?"

There were three gasps and a THUD as Sirius fell off his broom.

"Only the greatest wizarding sport in the world! I'll explain it. It's--"

"OH! That Quidditch!" exclaimed Lily, feigning recognition so that she wouldn't have to sit through a detailed rant about the Wonders of Quidditch, much like the one she'd listened to about the Wonders of Soccer when she had asked her father about it years ago. James blinked.

"Grab a broom, then."

Broom? Fly? In the air? No. No way. Never.

"Sure."

And Lily hopped onto a Moonduster, promptly crashing into a wall that held those gnarly, knotted rocks, thereby sending one of those dreadful things to conk her on her head. She rubbed the spot gingerly and glanced at the Three Madmen, as Lily had decided to call them, who didn't seem to notice. They were, instead, tugging on the wings of a small golden ball. There came a distinct hoot from above her head, and Lily looked up to see a purple owl with yellow stars sitting in a cage on a top shelf. Lily turned back to the boys.

"These jerseys really are nice," remarked the one called Sirius. He blew his nose on the sleeve. "And so soft, too!" The owl squawked disapprovingly at Sirius. Lily's broom banged into the wall again, sending another rock to her head.

"What's all that racket back there?" yelled the voice of Eddie.

"Don't worry, dear brother! I'll save you!" came Bella's cry of courage.

"OW! Bella! Stop that!"

Lily groaned and tried to steer her broom away from the wall as it was too high for her to merely jump off. Once she managed to turn the dratted thing around, it took off for the front of the store, and Lily managed to halt it just before it crashed into the door. She looked at Bella and Eddie, who were staring at her. She smiled nervously and swung herself off the broom carefully, giving it a slight pat. It zoomed off to the back of the shop. Bella and Eddie still hadn't moved or said anything.

"I'll.. er... I'll just be going now." And she grabbed the handle of her trunk and tore out of Quality Quidditch supplies before Bella could clobber her on the head with one of those clubs.

~*~

After Lily felt sure that Bella wouldn't come chasing after her (or Eddie, for that matter; he did work there, after all), Lily made a quick stop at the Apothecary to pick up the Potions supplies that were on her list before going into the Magical Menagerie, a place where she expected to purchase a pet.

Lily had always wanted a pet. She loved animals. She once slept over at a friend's house, and they had a large Siamese cat, and it had taken to Lily quite well. Lily woke the next morning to the cat curled up at her feet. But Petunia was allergic to dogs and cats, and she detested birds. This left Lily to choose between a goldfish and a turtle. Both perfectly fine animals, but not quite what Lily would have wanted.

But there was no Mum or Dad to tell her no today, and no Petunia to remind them to, and so that left Lily to take as many liberties as she wanted.

The clerk led her to a corner of the shop that was infested with cats. Cats dozing in baskets, cats chasing yarn, cats devouring mice, and even a very familiar purple cat hanging by its tail from a tree. It waved a purple paw and grinned.

"Would you like that one?" asked the clerk, noticing Lily staring at the dreadful thing. Lily blinked and looked up at the man.

"No, I don't think so. What about owls?"

~*~

Lily emerged from the store later with a tiny, tawny, and rather fluffy owl, whom Lily had named Geneva. From the first moment Geneva had snipped Lily on her finger, Lily knew that she was meant to have the owl. Geneva had a very cynical and snappish look about her small being, especially for an owl. She had given the clerk a peck that would need a band-aid (the owl, not Lily) and another bite at being shoved into a cage. And now Geneva was sitting happily on the bar in her cage, because Lily had cooed to her what a special owl she was, and she would have a lovely new person to attack once she got home.

"I do believe you and Petunia will get along quite wonderfully," Lily was telling Geneva, just before she was interrupted.

"YOU! DENTENTION!" screeched a voice Lily hadn't looked forward to hearing again. Lily turned her head to see the Queen of Detentions pointing her imperious finger at Lily while dashing towards her. She grabbed her trunk handle and Geneva's cage and ran through a tiny alley between two stores. Tiny, but long. And when it ended, she found herself on a much darker street than that of Diagon Alley. Horrible creatures were tottering around, and shadows seemed to creep along by themselves. Lily glimpsed at sign above a shop. Ominia's Oddities of Knockturn Alley, it read. The windows of the shop portrayed utterly gruesome contraptions. Jagged knives eerily tainted with a suspicious red, vials of terrifying things that I'm too nice to mention, and an orb that glowed a menacing black.

And Lily knew that whatever strange things she had met earlier that day were no match for what she was going to meet at this place.