Nobody reviews this story. I'm writing it anyway. [except the 2 who did
review - much love going out to you both]
Still owning only myself and an Easter egg that I don't want. Ah well - such is life.
The Palace.
As I did my merry jig in my head my brain failed to notice the arrow that was now pointed at my neck. Oops.
"Stranger. Do not move else I will loose my arrow." The elf before me stated.
Wow. I was impressed. Ok I know elves are supposed to be quiet, but flipping heck - this was unreal! He just appeared out of nowhere! I glanced up to see his face. Damn. Not Legolas. Not bad though, dark hair, dark eyes, nice body - but that goes without saying - after all he is an elf. One odd thing though he had short hair. I always assumed elves all had long hair. Obviously not.
"Stranger. What business have you in Mirkwood?" The elf asked, getting slightly impatient at my continued silence.
"Err, umm. Just visiting?" I answered moronically, unable to think up any good excuse.
"'Visiting'?" He repeated a sneer on his lips.
"Yeah. Visiting. Problem?" I said, becoming irked by his attitude and still present arrow to my neck. He looked puzzled for a moment before the expression was replaced by one of utter contempt. Right about now Legolas should show up and put this imbecile in his place.
He didn't.
***
I was taken by the elf towards the palace and then handed over to a group of elves, five in total. I was blindfolded and then led away. Unlike in the books no one assisted me and consequently I stumbled more than once. As I tried to walk without falling I heard some of the conversation behind me.
"Don't know how she got through..." One voice said.
"Spiders are slipping. You'd think they'd welcome free food." Another responded.
"Well, to be fair they are pretty much overwhelmed these days." Said a third.
"Hmm. Suppose so." Came the first.
Then I fell again for what seemed like the hundredth time only this time I did it good and proper, wrenching my ankle in the process. The yelp of pain I let out must have made their sensitive elven ears hurt big time I thought grimly. Serve them right for blindfolding me!
Hopefully his Highness heard that and will come rushing to my rescue and they'll all get their comeuppance, my brain mused. I will of course be swooning from the pain, hence he will have to carry me unconscious into the palace where I will be laid down upon his bed, cos he won't be able to part from me and no other room is good enough. I mentally began planning my speech as I woke up, only to be pulled to my feet and shoved forward by a very unfriendly hand. Big mistake. I fell again and this time really did faint from the pain.
***
Coming around the blindfold had been removed and I was sitting in possibly the most uncomfortable chair I had ever had the misfortune to come across.
"Ah. You are finally awake."
Damn. I thought. It's the sneering elf who found me first. Can't he just fuck off and get Legolas? My patience had run a marathon by now and my ankle was still aching, I was not in the mood for anyone sneering at me. Least of all someone whose first act on meeting me was to threaten me with an instant and very nasty death. I decided to ignore him and hope for Legolas.
"Enjoying your visit?" He asked sarcastically.
I continued to ignore him, telling myself that he was beneath me.
"Nothing to say?" He continued.
I satisfied my temper by sending him my favourite death glare. This glare takes practice and I've used it many times. It starts with glaring at the victim's eyes, then glancing to the top of their head, then working your eyes all the way down their body slowly. Stopping at the feet and then rising back to meet the eyes again, finishing off with either a shrug or snort of contempt. I was angry and therefore dealt out both shrug and snort. The elf raised his eyebrows and smirked to himself. That was the moment I realised that I was livid.
Fortunately for Mr I am such a stuck up little elf even if I do have damn good looks but that's no excuse to be such an arrogant pig, before I could heave myself of my chair and limp over to try and wipe that smirk off his face, the door to the room opened and a man with what looked suspiciously looked like a crown on his head stalked in. He looked pissed. King Thranduil? I wondered.
"Another one." He commented in disgust glaring at me.
I said nothing. If my suspicions were correct and this was King Thranduil I figured it would be wise to keep my temper and try and make a good impression on my future father-in-law.
"Will this never end?" He asked the elf who had captured me.
Nobody spoke, including me. Now was not the time to demand Legolas, as it looked like the King was just waiting for an excuse to send me to some dungeon. I began to wonder whether Mirkwood had dungeons. Damn, I knew I should have brought my copy of The Hobbit as well.
"Tell me." The King said turning to face me, his feelings of hatred towards me etched on his face, "How did you get past the spiders?"
Now I really was confused. Did he want me to be eaten? I looked at his face and decided that the answer to that question would be a yes.
"Cut myself free." I answered eventually. My ankle was aching and I felt like I was going to be sick. Opening my mouth to talk was not something I really wanted to be doing. That was the reason I kept my answer short. Unfortunately for me no one else noticed the way my face was gradually becoming greener and greener.
"Have you no manners?" Hissed an outraged elf from behind me, pulling me to my feet. "This is the King of Mirkwood. You should show respect."
I threw up. All over King Thranduil's shoes. Some part of me found this funny. The rest realised that it was not a good idea to show that I thought it was funny. Therefore I pulled an expression of utmost horror onto my face, which soon contorted to utmost pain when I realised I was standing on my foot. My nerve endings screamed in agony and I fell backwards onto my uncomfortable chair before the darkness claimed me once again.
***
I came to sitting on the chair once again. The only things that were different were that the floor was now clean and that my ankle was now bandaged tightly. Perhaps a little too tight, I noted wincing from the pain that was emanating from that area of my body. I sat up straighter, trying to ignore the constant ache.
"Ah. Awake at last." The King commented icily.
I cowered into my chair, miserably wishing that I hadn't started this whole thing.
"Since you are here." The King said, "I suppose we should tell you the truth. No, don't say anything," He said raising a hand and glaring in my direction, "We all know why you are here. Legolas is it not?"
I was stunned. Since when were elves mind readers? No wait hang on... I thought for a moment, trying to remember all of the things I knew about the elves.
"We know all about your world. With your books and your moveees." He said , pronouncing 'movie' as though it was alien to him. Which all things considered it probably was. He continued, "The Lord Of The Rings. The Hobbit." He paused, before saying with venom as though the words caused him physical pain, "The Fan Fiction."
"Woah there." I exclaimed unable to stop myself, "You know about all of that?! How?"
"Because they keep coming. Coming here in search of Legolas. We let the spiders take as many as they can, but it seems that even they cannot defeat this menace."
"Which is?"
"Fans. More specifically fan girls." He paused for a moment and glanced away from me to the guard at the door. "Send in Legolas."
The door opened. I prepared myself for what was going to be a momentous event. I wasn't wrong.
Legolas walked in. Here was the creature that I thought would end all my problems in Middle Earth and fall madly in love with me.
Idiot.
******************************
Please R&R.
You know you want to.
Come on, come on.
What are you waiting for?
Hmm?
Get on with it!
Dammit!
That's it. I'm off. Nobody loves me... *Sob*
Still owning only myself and an Easter egg that I don't want. Ah well - such is life.
The Palace.
As I did my merry jig in my head my brain failed to notice the arrow that was now pointed at my neck. Oops.
"Stranger. Do not move else I will loose my arrow." The elf before me stated.
Wow. I was impressed. Ok I know elves are supposed to be quiet, but flipping heck - this was unreal! He just appeared out of nowhere! I glanced up to see his face. Damn. Not Legolas. Not bad though, dark hair, dark eyes, nice body - but that goes without saying - after all he is an elf. One odd thing though he had short hair. I always assumed elves all had long hair. Obviously not.
"Stranger. What business have you in Mirkwood?" The elf asked, getting slightly impatient at my continued silence.
"Err, umm. Just visiting?" I answered moronically, unable to think up any good excuse.
"'Visiting'?" He repeated a sneer on his lips.
"Yeah. Visiting. Problem?" I said, becoming irked by his attitude and still present arrow to my neck. He looked puzzled for a moment before the expression was replaced by one of utter contempt. Right about now Legolas should show up and put this imbecile in his place.
He didn't.
***
I was taken by the elf towards the palace and then handed over to a group of elves, five in total. I was blindfolded and then led away. Unlike in the books no one assisted me and consequently I stumbled more than once. As I tried to walk without falling I heard some of the conversation behind me.
"Don't know how she got through..." One voice said.
"Spiders are slipping. You'd think they'd welcome free food." Another responded.
"Well, to be fair they are pretty much overwhelmed these days." Said a third.
"Hmm. Suppose so." Came the first.
Then I fell again for what seemed like the hundredth time only this time I did it good and proper, wrenching my ankle in the process. The yelp of pain I let out must have made their sensitive elven ears hurt big time I thought grimly. Serve them right for blindfolding me!
Hopefully his Highness heard that and will come rushing to my rescue and they'll all get their comeuppance, my brain mused. I will of course be swooning from the pain, hence he will have to carry me unconscious into the palace where I will be laid down upon his bed, cos he won't be able to part from me and no other room is good enough. I mentally began planning my speech as I woke up, only to be pulled to my feet and shoved forward by a very unfriendly hand. Big mistake. I fell again and this time really did faint from the pain.
***
Coming around the blindfold had been removed and I was sitting in possibly the most uncomfortable chair I had ever had the misfortune to come across.
"Ah. You are finally awake."
Damn. I thought. It's the sneering elf who found me first. Can't he just fuck off and get Legolas? My patience had run a marathon by now and my ankle was still aching, I was not in the mood for anyone sneering at me. Least of all someone whose first act on meeting me was to threaten me with an instant and very nasty death. I decided to ignore him and hope for Legolas.
"Enjoying your visit?" He asked sarcastically.
I continued to ignore him, telling myself that he was beneath me.
"Nothing to say?" He continued.
I satisfied my temper by sending him my favourite death glare. This glare takes practice and I've used it many times. It starts with glaring at the victim's eyes, then glancing to the top of their head, then working your eyes all the way down their body slowly. Stopping at the feet and then rising back to meet the eyes again, finishing off with either a shrug or snort of contempt. I was angry and therefore dealt out both shrug and snort. The elf raised his eyebrows and smirked to himself. That was the moment I realised that I was livid.
Fortunately for Mr I am such a stuck up little elf even if I do have damn good looks but that's no excuse to be such an arrogant pig, before I could heave myself of my chair and limp over to try and wipe that smirk off his face, the door to the room opened and a man with what looked suspiciously looked like a crown on his head stalked in. He looked pissed. King Thranduil? I wondered.
"Another one." He commented in disgust glaring at me.
I said nothing. If my suspicions were correct and this was King Thranduil I figured it would be wise to keep my temper and try and make a good impression on my future father-in-law.
"Will this never end?" He asked the elf who had captured me.
Nobody spoke, including me. Now was not the time to demand Legolas, as it looked like the King was just waiting for an excuse to send me to some dungeon. I began to wonder whether Mirkwood had dungeons. Damn, I knew I should have brought my copy of The Hobbit as well.
"Tell me." The King said turning to face me, his feelings of hatred towards me etched on his face, "How did you get past the spiders?"
Now I really was confused. Did he want me to be eaten? I looked at his face and decided that the answer to that question would be a yes.
"Cut myself free." I answered eventually. My ankle was aching and I felt like I was going to be sick. Opening my mouth to talk was not something I really wanted to be doing. That was the reason I kept my answer short. Unfortunately for me no one else noticed the way my face was gradually becoming greener and greener.
"Have you no manners?" Hissed an outraged elf from behind me, pulling me to my feet. "This is the King of Mirkwood. You should show respect."
I threw up. All over King Thranduil's shoes. Some part of me found this funny. The rest realised that it was not a good idea to show that I thought it was funny. Therefore I pulled an expression of utmost horror onto my face, which soon contorted to utmost pain when I realised I was standing on my foot. My nerve endings screamed in agony and I fell backwards onto my uncomfortable chair before the darkness claimed me once again.
***
I came to sitting on the chair once again. The only things that were different were that the floor was now clean and that my ankle was now bandaged tightly. Perhaps a little too tight, I noted wincing from the pain that was emanating from that area of my body. I sat up straighter, trying to ignore the constant ache.
"Ah. Awake at last." The King commented icily.
I cowered into my chair, miserably wishing that I hadn't started this whole thing.
"Since you are here." The King said, "I suppose we should tell you the truth. No, don't say anything," He said raising a hand and glaring in my direction, "We all know why you are here. Legolas is it not?"
I was stunned. Since when were elves mind readers? No wait hang on... I thought for a moment, trying to remember all of the things I knew about the elves.
"We know all about your world. With your books and your moveees." He said , pronouncing 'movie' as though it was alien to him. Which all things considered it probably was. He continued, "The Lord Of The Rings. The Hobbit." He paused, before saying with venom as though the words caused him physical pain, "The Fan Fiction."
"Woah there." I exclaimed unable to stop myself, "You know about all of that?! How?"
"Because they keep coming. Coming here in search of Legolas. We let the spiders take as many as they can, but it seems that even they cannot defeat this menace."
"Which is?"
"Fans. More specifically fan girls." He paused for a moment and glanced away from me to the guard at the door. "Send in Legolas."
The door opened. I prepared myself for what was going to be a momentous event. I wasn't wrong.
Legolas walked in. Here was the creature that I thought would end all my problems in Middle Earth and fall madly in love with me.
Idiot.
******************************
Please R&R.
You know you want to.
Come on, come on.
What are you waiting for?
Hmm?
Get on with it!
Dammit!
That's it. I'm off. Nobody loves me... *Sob*
