A/N: This is weird, I know. I hope it's funny. Basically, after losing the war, Sauron ends up trying to travel back in time to correct all the mistakes which led to his losing. But the plan goes wrong and he ends up going forward instead. The Fellowship will figure at some point in the not- too-distant future. I'm not sure if something similar to this has been done before (tell me if it has). I don't know if you'll like it or hate it, but please review. Next chapter will be up shortly.

Back to the Present

Sauron, the Defeated Dark Lord of Barad-Dur, put his non-existent head in his non-existent hands and sighed wearily. Things just weren't going his way at all. Things hadn't been going his way for the last couple of millennia, so you'd have thought he'd be used to it by now, but he had believed he was on a winning streak this time, so the defeat had hit him hard. And not just any old defeat, but a humiliating, degrading defeat, at the hands of a few 3-foot high Halflings, a whole bunch of Elves, and rather pompous but incompetent wizard.

Most of his staff had handed in their notice. Without a body or any supernatural power at all, he no longer inspired terror in their hearts, and most of them were inclined to laugh at him when they thought he wasn't looking. His army (or at least the parts of it which had not been massacred or committed suicide) had disbanded, and were right now booking package holidays to all the nicer parts of Middle-Earth. His personal assistant, whom he had, in his former, omnipotent state, referred to simply as "Mouth", had resigned, was packing all his possessions into a large backpack and now insisted on being called by his real name, which turned out to be James.

Sauron's presence drifted into the room which James was in and started to speak to him. That is, he tried to speak, but then remembered that he had no voice anymore. He therefore got James's attention be throwing an assortment of small objects at him. James eventually turned round irritably.

"What is it now?" he said.

Sauron could not answer, so he grabbed a nearby pencil and wrote something on the back of an envelope. James tried to decipher the illegible scrawls. He failed miserably. "I'm sorry, I can't read that. Try again."

Sauron tried again. This time James could make out a few words, but not enough to make any sense of the message. "Write in block capitals." he suggested. The pencil scribbled furiously. This time the message was legible, but only just.

"WHAT THE HELL AM I MEANT TO DO NOW? I HAVE NO BODY, NO SERVANTS, NO ARMY, NO RING OF POWER, NO ANYTHING," he read. James rolled his eyes. "Well honestly, what am I meant to do about it? I'm not your servant any more, and quite frankly I think you deserve what you get anyway. You've done nothing but plan to course misery and suffering to people for years. Thank heavens you're so completely incompetent that you were never very successful. It's your problem, you find a way out of it," he snapped, picking up his backpack and making for the door. Sauron prevented him from leaving by throwing a rather large copy of "Encyclopaedia Mordoria" at him.

When James regained consciousness a few hours later, he found a small bag full of gold pieces lying next to him, along with a note saying "You can have this if you help me." James put the gold pieces into his pocket before saying to Sauron, "The only thing I can suggest is that you go and see the Doctor." He then picked up his bag and left.



The Doctor was the preferred name of Barad-Dur's resident mad scientist. He lived and worked in an old and ramshackle building on a hill, a few miles outside the city. This building was the home to many bizarre contraptions, many of which were completely useless, such as the strange device which looked like half a bicycle attached to a washing machine, which was in fact a mechanism used for predicting the past. When asked what the point of a past-predicting device was, the Doctor would simply smile mysteriously and say "You never know when these things will come in useful". The Doctor had never, ever produced a machine which was both fully functional (and not prone to explode at the slightest provocation) and also actually had a point.

As Sauron approached the building on the hill, he was not terribly surprised to see that its walls were decorated with a brightly-coloured pattern, which kept changing, like a kaleidoscope. He thought that this was probably the result of an errant experiment and not actually deliberate on the part of the Doctor. He entered the building by the back door, since he knew from past experience that the front door was actually a portal into a parallel universe. He had spent most of one Tuesday lunch time stuck in there, and it had not been the most pleasant experience of his life. Once inside the house he followed the sound of small explosions until he came to the room where the Doctor was working.

The room was completely full of what looked like junk connected by wires, but which was probably the Doctor's latest useless endeavour. Sauron got the Doctor's attention by pelting him with crumpled-up paper. He then wrote out his predicament on the notebook which was open on a table. The Doctor read the message with apparent interest.

"Well, well, young Sauron, you're in a bit of a fix, aren't you?" said the Doctor, running one of his three hands through his hair. "Luckily, I have a solution. Yes, my brilliant brain has once again come up with a machine so subtle and complex that even I have trouble believing that I could have invented it. With this machine, you will be able to travel back in time, and correct all your mistakes, so that you end up winning the war. Simple, but incredible, I think you'll agree. Of course, there'll be a small fee." Sauron took up the pencil again, and wrote, "IF YOUR MACHINE WORKS AND I WIN THE WAR, THEN I'LL PAY YOU, NOT BEFORE."

The Doctor replied, "Very well, that's not a problem, since I have complete and utter faith in this machine. Now, if you'd care to step this way, I'll send you back. About a hundred years should do it."

The Doctor stepped up to the machine and began pressing buttons. A door slid open, and the Doctor gestured that Sauron should step in. Sauron did so, and the door slid shut. After a few seconds of silence, there was a sharp bang, and the machine shuddered. Smoke began to fill the small, pitch black compartment from the bottom. Then the bottom seemed to drop away, and Sauron felt like he was falling. He thought he caught a brief glimpse of stars, before everything went dark again. The next thing he knew, he hit very hard ground very hard.

To Be Continued....