Phew a long time till updated but here now, thoughts please
Neither one really wanted to go first, but Buffy had started this conversation so she was going to continue it,
Buffy "you ok? I mean earlier, you looked pretty beat up,"
Spike " I'm fine, well, healing pretty quick, don't think I'll be revisiting the bar anytime soon though" he smiled, she still looked concerned,
Buffy " what happened? not cheating at the kitten poker again? "
Spike " um something like that" she wasn't gonna be learning the real reason anytime soon, he was having enough trouble adjusting to his new self, he didn't want to deal with Buffy's knowing about the soul just yet.
They returned to their positions of staring out into the darkness, so much to say, so few words. He knew what he wanted to say, what he wanted to tell her. To say sorry? No sorry was never gonna be enough. Every time he had seen her since his return, he had played out what he would say, what he needed her to understand. How he knew what he had done, and how he understood that she couldn't forgive him, that she shouldn't. But the words wouldn't come, not the way he wanted them.
He turned to her and simply said
Spike " I'm sorry"
He instantly regretted it. It wasn't right, that wasn't the right thing to say, how could she react to that? He sighed and looked back at the floor,
Buffy " for what"
She needed to know, needed to talk to him, they had to start somewhere.
Spike "Everything, I mean, all of it, everything that happened, with us, what I did"
Buffy shuffled in her position, still unable to look at him, he was looking at her, she could feel it, feel his eye's watching every flicker of movement, looking for signs, a hint of her reaction.
Buffy " what you did, you do know what you did? You get it, right?"
Spike "I know, and I know that I can't apologise for it. I can't, there's nothing I can do." He can't look at her, can't be near her.
Spike " I should go"
He gets up, looks down at her. She came here to talk to him, now he was leaving, wasn't that her line?
Buffy "No, you shouldn't go, your back and we need to do this," Spike " Do what, we both know what happened. I tried to rape you Buffy, I, I almost, what I could of done" His voice is breaking, damn the soul right now. Not that he needed it to feel the shame and guilt he felt right now.
She shuddered at the words. Since he had been gone, she spent plenty of time considering how she felt about what had happened. She had felt the anger and rage and humiliation, gone through all of the emotions, but she still couldn't work out how she felt.
Buffy " I know, I was there" cold, doing her best to keep herself under wraps as much as she could.
Buffy " but what else could I have expected from you? You're a vampire, you have no soul, you take what you want right?" ok the anger was getting harder to control right about now, but she needed to get this out.
Spike "No"
Spike "I mean, it wasn't about that, taking what I want, it was, I was desperate"
Buffy " right, I see, desperate, you needed sex so you knew where to come"
Spike " No" stands up, voice raised, deep breath, gonna make sure he gets this out right
Spike " I was desperate for you, for you to be mine, to be with me, for you to love me" " when we were together I had you with me, it was all that mattered, that I had you close for once. In that time before you would run from me, you were mine and I needed it back, it's all I wanted"
Buffy " so what, rape me and then I'll declare my undying love? God you really are sick and twisted" " I'm just disgusted I ever thought about it"
Spike " but you did, you admitted it, you had feeling for me, and then I lost it, I lost it all"
Looking up at the despair written upon his face, she softened a little. Not on what had happened, but right here, right now, she had said her piece, done what she needed to, dragging out this argument was gonna lead no where.
Her stomach was in knots, her head spinning, seeing him again, and dealing with this in one day was just too much, she needed time to think. They changed tactics, she was now the one that wanted to leave.
Buffy "what I felt was then, and any feelings I had for you disappeared that day." Any feelings? Was that true? Probably not, but what feelings she didn't know, couldn't work that out yet, but she had to make him believe this for now
Buffy " what you did was beyond wrong, love or no love for me, it doesn't matter anymore. I can never trust you again I realise that now, you have no soul, no conscience whatever good you do is what? Just to please me, that's not what being a man is about, but your not a man, just a vampire without a soul"
Oh god, how many times was she gonna mention that one? The urge to tell her was getting too strong, if maybe she knew how bad he had felt, and what he had done for her, so it could never happen again, maybe then she could believe just how truly sorry he was.
Spike "That's not true, there's something I have to tell you"
Buffy "nothing you can tell me is gonna make a difference"
Spike "this will"
As he spoke, Buffy jumped up with a start as someone approached form behind.
Xander "ahh Buffy, busy doing your I can't stay at my date for another second slayer duties I see"
TBC if ya want Ya want? Then tell me, if not then don't, In other words...reviews.reviews..reviews pretty please
Neither one really wanted to go first, but Buffy had started this conversation so she was going to continue it,
Buffy "you ok? I mean earlier, you looked pretty beat up,"
Spike " I'm fine, well, healing pretty quick, don't think I'll be revisiting the bar anytime soon though" he smiled, she still looked concerned,
Buffy " what happened? not cheating at the kitten poker again? "
Spike " um something like that" she wasn't gonna be learning the real reason anytime soon, he was having enough trouble adjusting to his new self, he didn't want to deal with Buffy's knowing about the soul just yet.
They returned to their positions of staring out into the darkness, so much to say, so few words. He knew what he wanted to say, what he wanted to tell her. To say sorry? No sorry was never gonna be enough. Every time he had seen her since his return, he had played out what he would say, what he needed her to understand. How he knew what he had done, and how he understood that she couldn't forgive him, that she shouldn't. But the words wouldn't come, not the way he wanted them.
He turned to her and simply said
Spike " I'm sorry"
He instantly regretted it. It wasn't right, that wasn't the right thing to say, how could she react to that? He sighed and looked back at the floor,
Buffy " for what"
She needed to know, needed to talk to him, they had to start somewhere.
Spike "Everything, I mean, all of it, everything that happened, with us, what I did"
Buffy shuffled in her position, still unable to look at him, he was looking at her, she could feel it, feel his eye's watching every flicker of movement, looking for signs, a hint of her reaction.
Buffy " what you did, you do know what you did? You get it, right?"
Spike "I know, and I know that I can't apologise for it. I can't, there's nothing I can do." He can't look at her, can't be near her.
Spike " I should go"
He gets up, looks down at her. She came here to talk to him, now he was leaving, wasn't that her line?
Buffy "No, you shouldn't go, your back and we need to do this," Spike " Do what, we both know what happened. I tried to rape you Buffy, I, I almost, what I could of done" His voice is breaking, damn the soul right now. Not that he needed it to feel the shame and guilt he felt right now.
She shuddered at the words. Since he had been gone, she spent plenty of time considering how she felt about what had happened. She had felt the anger and rage and humiliation, gone through all of the emotions, but she still couldn't work out how she felt.
Buffy " I know, I was there" cold, doing her best to keep herself under wraps as much as she could.
Buffy " but what else could I have expected from you? You're a vampire, you have no soul, you take what you want right?" ok the anger was getting harder to control right about now, but she needed to get this out.
Spike "No"
Spike "I mean, it wasn't about that, taking what I want, it was, I was desperate"
Buffy " right, I see, desperate, you needed sex so you knew where to come"
Spike " No" stands up, voice raised, deep breath, gonna make sure he gets this out right
Spike " I was desperate for you, for you to be mine, to be with me, for you to love me" " when we were together I had you with me, it was all that mattered, that I had you close for once. In that time before you would run from me, you were mine and I needed it back, it's all I wanted"
Buffy " so what, rape me and then I'll declare my undying love? God you really are sick and twisted" " I'm just disgusted I ever thought about it"
Spike " but you did, you admitted it, you had feeling for me, and then I lost it, I lost it all"
Looking up at the despair written upon his face, she softened a little. Not on what had happened, but right here, right now, she had said her piece, done what she needed to, dragging out this argument was gonna lead no where.
Her stomach was in knots, her head spinning, seeing him again, and dealing with this in one day was just too much, she needed time to think. They changed tactics, she was now the one that wanted to leave.
Buffy "what I felt was then, and any feelings I had for you disappeared that day." Any feelings? Was that true? Probably not, but what feelings she didn't know, couldn't work that out yet, but she had to make him believe this for now
Buffy " what you did was beyond wrong, love or no love for me, it doesn't matter anymore. I can never trust you again I realise that now, you have no soul, no conscience whatever good you do is what? Just to please me, that's not what being a man is about, but your not a man, just a vampire without a soul"
Oh god, how many times was she gonna mention that one? The urge to tell her was getting too strong, if maybe she knew how bad he had felt, and what he had done for her, so it could never happen again, maybe then she could believe just how truly sorry he was.
Spike "That's not true, there's something I have to tell you"
Buffy "nothing you can tell me is gonna make a difference"
Spike "this will"
As he spoke, Buffy jumped up with a start as someone approached form behind.
Xander "ahh Buffy, busy doing your I can't stay at my date for another second slayer duties I see"
TBC if ya want Ya want? Then tell me, if not then don't, In other words...reviews.reviews..reviews pretty please
