Author's note: I'm starting that chapter without knowing what to write, without knowing anything – a structure or a sentence. Normally I start with the title and develop the story around it. But this time it's different not to say it's difficult. That's the reason why I would beg you to review it, send me short feedback.

The lyrics in the text are out of Celine Dion's song "The greatest reward" & "Goodbye's the saddest word"

Rating: NC-17 , not for words or actions – just for thoughts, feelings and sadness

Archive: www.missparkerjarod.hollywood.com - you can post it on your side too, be sure that my name is on it and that's it & send me an email where I can find it!

Feedback: miss.parker@gmx.at or/and mary_eve_parker@yahoo.com



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CHAPTER 12 – INNOCENT ET DELICAT

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He was sitting next to me. He hugged me.

Oh I said softly, noticing Jarod.

Why are you so afraid Parker?

I remembered the dream clearly. Thanks god that it wasn't reality even if it felt like it.

Jarod's hand was running down my belly, slowly, softly.

Mary he is okay. You know that I would never allow somebody to hurt you!

I looked into his eyes, getting lust of chocolate. They looked like chocolate. Chocolate.

But why can't you trust me Jar?

I trust you! You know!

No, you don't. I know what to do. I am an adult, old enough to know it! I said a bit harsh.

His hand wandered softly down my belly, not breaking the eye contact he let his hand find its way.

I love it when you wear silk ... it feels like your skin. He was smiling.

He smiles at you Parker. Making you compliments. His hand is wandering Parker. It's near your curls.

Thinking about all that I had to start smiling at him. He was so handsome, male and in every detail perfect – his body and of course this georgous mind.

But .. ? I was not able to find words and the voice to finish it.

Looking at him made me unsecure, feeling like 10 again. Feeling robbing through the vents to see him and play with him. Feeling like seeing in him the only person to trust. The only one whom I allowed to comfort me after my mum's death. Feeling like being 16, feeling him inside me not knowing what will happen next. Feeling like .... like a woman in love.

His eyes looked into mine, staring, letting me feel his disappointment.

I don't want to see you hurt again ... never want to hurt you.... or get hurt. He softly brushed over the silk of my gown. I didn't want that somebody else is allowed to touch you, to make love to you!

I was stunned. Was this a confession? The confession you were looking for?

Making love to me .... Jarod? Was thrilling through my head.

He didn't want to make love to me Jar it was just fucking me. I said to make a point.

I didn't want to see somebody * in * you – not now ... and ... never. He was grinning this boyish way I loved such a lot.

Jarod? I looked at him. Than make love to me Jarod. Love me!

He was coming nearer, his breath crushed cozily my eyelashes. He was so perfect, everything I was ever searching for in a man. Than he separated and looked into my eyes.

You are not 16 anymore Mary, times have changed and we both are now grown ups. It's not that easy now, you know! I nodded, listening to the sweet sound of his voice. You are not that innocent girl anymore you've been when you came to be trough the vet, all those years ago. Now you are an adult, a wonderful and sexy woman and soon a beloved mother. I am afraid of loosing you as a friend, love and the only family I have. You are everything for me Mary and I hope you know that. He took a deep breath, I noticed that. I was observing him for years. We are too old for just fucking – and you are pregnant Mary. Times have changed.

So suddenly so strange ... Life wakes you up ....Things have changed ....I've done my best ... I've served my call ... I thought ... I had it all ... So suddenly so strange ... My prejudice ...Was gone ....You needed me ...I found my place ... I'm different now ...These days

I was only able to nod in agreement. He was so right.

Now the greatest reward is the light in your eyes. The sound of your voice and the touch of your hand. You made me who I am I looked into his eyes.

I knew all the men, all your affairs, all the men who told you that they would love you, went to bed with you and left you alone in the morning without a note. They were never right calling you the Ice Queen – not you Mary. Those men, who call you like this, are those who made this facade. Those men only wanted you body, not your intelligence not your beautiful mind. He let his other hand take place on my heart. Those men could only hurt you. I would never hurt you, never.

You did not only once during the last days!

He looked on my nightstand, not able to catch my looks.

I didn't want to ... but ....

Jarod, the genius, doesn't find the right words – oh Parker! I smiled mischievous.

But ... you

I didn't want to push you in any directions Jarod. You are right, times have changes and I am more than pregnant now, and the greatest reward is the love I can give. I am here for you and as long as I live. Jarod, you made me who I am! I have to make the best out of the situation I am into now. My fantasy to see is together isn't a fucking teenager one, it's my personal one, my dream, my wish. Believe me, I thought a lot about it.

Was I begging now? Begging to hold me, to comfort me, .... to trust into me?

He looked at me, serious. His fingers forwarded into my curls, softly gliding up and down. Under a minute I was more than wet again. Waiting for him.

Mary, it's not that I don't want you or don't want to take care of you. It's just that I worry about what will happen next – if the Center will catch us, if they are a step in front of us or still one behind. I am afraid that I found something out, I didn't want to know. I am also afraid that it would be afraid to have intercourse with you. It's just 3 ½ half months ago that you get rapped. Mary ...

His hand, which had been above my heart a minute ago, was now on my neck, making small circles. His lips were near mine again. I could smell him. Delicious.

But you can't make love to a pregnant woman? I asked softly, only an inch away from his lips, nose to nose. You wouldn't be the first one.

He grinned in this typical Jaordish way, you can't resist.

I have never thought about it. Why should I have? My sexual experience is rare if you compare it to y....

I broke the eye contact, turned away, leaving his wet fingers on the sheets.

Jarod climbed into the bed next to me, laying his chest next to my back Spooning. The one hand rested under my pillow, near my neck, the other one was cruising on my swollen belly.

I didn't want to offend you Mary he continued. I didn't want to.

Stay with me Jarod, just tonight, like we are now! I said.

Oh my goddess his hands are like small waves on your skin. He is still sending small electrical shocks trough your body. Parker you aren't the girl who robbed trough the vets anymore. You are a mother, more or less. Take care and think twice.

I will if you want me to. he whispered into my ear. Come Parker, give me a peace of your blanket as long as I shouldn't freeze to death next to you.

Was he teasing again? Flirting? Sarcasm .... freezing next to the Ice Queen?

He grabbed a spare part of the blanket and pulled himself under it. I could feel his hot breath against my neck, his hand resting on my belly. Our child would feel how well I fell now, how calm. Our child? My ... our ... my ... the baby.

I closed my eyes ....

Now he is laying next to you. Next to you Parker. Now you are Mary again, his little Mary. He was the only one who knew your first name, was allowed to call you like that, when you've been alone. He was always the only person you could speak to who was not trying to analyze you.

Now Jarod is holding the baby, his arm protecting us – me and you Brutus. Isn't that a good feeling. It feels like family, not only Mamma. It's .... like ages ago when mum ....

Mamma you gave life to me ... turned a baby into a lady ... and Mamma ... all you had to offer ... was a promise of a lifetime of love .... a lifetime- your lifetime was too short .... Now I know that there is no other love like a mother's love for her child ... Brutus ... I know that love so complete someday must leave, must say goodbye ... And it hurts so that something so strong someday will be gone ... must say goodbye ... but the love you give will always live ... you'll be there every time I fall ... and I'm fallen so often, so often through the last years ... You take my weakness and you make me strong ... and I will always love you till forever comes ... Mamma ... Mamma

" And when you need me, I'll be there for you always, I'll be there your whole life through, I will be there through the lonely days, I will be there this I promise ...."

"Mamma is that you?"

" I am always there Mary, my child. ... I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight!"

"Mamma .... why ... why did all that happen? Why Mama?"

She was standing in front of me, all light around her, in a white dress. She just touched my fingers. Tears were streaming down my cheeks.

"Mamma ... I can't ... I can't give him what he is dreaming of ... I never could."

"He will always loves you till forever comes!"

" It's not that I don't love him ... I love him with every peace of my heart ... but I am not what he is dreaming of ... I can't give him all ... my whole heart ... everything he needs."

"Give him what you can Mary! He will love you every second."

"It's all to much Mamma ... I can't do it anymore. I can't hide .... I had to hide for such a long time. I can't break all the rules I'd built up to save myself for being hurt ... Mamma ... so many people only wanted to hurt me ... only to see my cry .... only see me fall!"

"Look at you darling. You are a beautiful woman and the most handsome guy, who loves you till he's able to think, is laying next to you, cuddled to your back. Look at you two."

I was looking down from wherever I was.

"Hold me Mamma, just hold me once ... nobody was there to comfort me for ages ... nobody picked me up when I fell ... so many people where telling me that they would love me and only one ever meant it ... only one of all those men!"

She opened her arms wide, hugging me tight. I could feel her hair on my cheek, smelling like strawberries. Like all the years ago, I hugged her the last time. I saw her the last time. I felt like me the last time. I was the last time the innocent little girl. The last time I felt my heart. The last time I cried in public, the last time I was able to feel love.

"The last time ... you hold me that tight ... the last time I was smelling your hair ... mum I was 10 and a little girl ... it was the last time ...." I couldn't say anything more. I was just crying, bitterly. I had only once cried like that before, so many years ago. I was just 10.

"Oh Mary ... I never thought that you feel that lonely. I always thought ...."

"There was nobody holding me Mamma, not once through, not since you're gone. There was no shoulder I could cry on, never." I was sobbing. "I never let somebody that near to know me well. I was so afraid of loosing this person, one more person I love."

"But I love you Mary Eve and I am always there for you."

"Mamma, it's not that easy anymore ...." I was holding her so tight, afraid that she might run away, run away like so many years ago – running out of my life.

"I know, that's why I am here!"

"Not to see me... ?" I was absolutely disappointed. She was not here to see me, to feel me, to hold me tight, to run her hand trough my hair, to give me a shoulder to cry on and feel welcome?

"Sure, but more important are those babies!"

I felt her hand on my belly.

"Why? " Have I heard a plural?

"They mean more to the Center than you ... Mary it's not that easy ... they are not interested in you anymore" Not hunting me, Daddy not caring for my life? "They only want the babies. They are special to them. You have to be careful, very careful. You two always have to think twice before making a step."

"Why ... why Mamma ... why is Daddy always that ..."

"The truth is Mary that he isn't your father but he doesn't know that. He was disappointed for not having a son, a living one. Not times have changed and he has his son, two of them – so you are one to much in the game he plays."

"But why I don't understand?!" I was crying so bitterly, feeling that small, small and bag everybody is allowed to kill.

"You are carrying their future Mary!"

I was looking at her not sure what she means.

"You are carrying the perfect pretenders in your uterus and you have to hide them as good as possible. They know that they, especially you, can't bring Jarod back, so they decided to create new ones."

"Mamma you want to tell me that it was no rape, that it was an artificial insemination?"

"Yes Mary ... Rains has planned it for ages. They hope that you'd get a Pretender, their new Pretender, on the normal way, but you had that accident. The rape, which really happened but in a different way, was Lyle's idea. But that's unimportant now. Mary you have to concentrate on the triplets you'll get."

"Triplets?"

"Yes Mary – the twins for the ones you and Jarod lost and one for your new life."

"You know about the twins?"

"I am sorry that I wasn't there for you ... but now you have to protect your children!"

"I swear I will protect them with my life."

"Jarod will also protect them Mary, allow your children to have their father."

"Jarod ... ?"

"Haven't you known that you and Jarod have the perfect genes for the ultimate Pretender?"

"No .... never ... but .... bloodtests all the time ...."

"Calm down Mary. It happened and you have decided to get those kids, my grandchildren."

"Mamma ... I don't know ... if I ever .... I mean ...become a real ... become a mother!"

"You'll be the best mother they could get!"

Her fingers went through my hair. Oh I felt so lonely. Her fingers were opening and loosing the grip. I felt like separated from her.

"No ... Mamma ... not go away... !"

"I know Mary ... goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever heard, and it's the last time I will hold you near. Someday you'll say that word and I will cry. It breaks my heart to hear you say goodbye – till we meet again until then goodbye!"

"Mamma ... no .... no .... no ... no ...not yet ... stay ... stay ... I need you ... Mamma ... I love you .... I need you ... Mamma no ..... not goodbye .... stay ... Mamma ... please .... please not leave me again ...."



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Author's 2nd note: I am not sure yet how to continue. I am really sad now, near feeling tears running down my cheeks. I never thought that writing would effect me that much. Today is May 5th and I will post it tomorrow during the day, maybe I'll have an clue then. I can't write that sad stories all the time. Do you understand why I rated it NC-17? I think you can't understand her before that age, some will never understand her.

I am feeling like Mary at the moment, being Mary, thinking like Mary.

Thanks Celine Dion writing such wonderful songs, which inspires me all the time. Every time I hear her singing "Goodbye's the saddest word", it makes me nearly cry.

Last week a Band was playing it on a funeral I had to go to, unfortunately. A funeral of a friend's mother, dying at the age of 44 because of cancer. And "Goodbye" is the saddest word, believe me. I have heard it quite often in my short life. ~EMP~