Note: Thanks for all the feedback I got lately and thanks to Dianne who will beta this as soon as she's through the rest of this story – I know that it is not any easy job, I am a teacher on my own, but of course German – my mother tongue.

I also want to thank Andrea Parker for being such an inspiration and Céline Dion – both are getting me through this very well. And thanks Céline for singing such amazing songs, they are the best inspiration I ever had. So this is dedicated to both of you  - Andy and of course Céline

This time I got the inspiration form the Diva Las Vegas Concert which was more than amazing, all my favs were there and from an older CD of Céline – "Falling into you" esp. the song "All by myself" … when I listen to it I always have to think of Ms. Parker. Don't you?

Rating: normally between PG13 and NC17/R

Author: Mary Eve Parker    mary_eve_parker@yahoo.com

They don't have to see you cry Chapter 19  - All by myself

***Letterkenny in the County Donegal / North of Ireland ***

It was a very small city, not even a city it was more a town, a quite small one but the biggest in the whole county an old lady told me. I never got such a nice welcome somewhere. Jarod left me a note at home telling me, that he would go to Londonderry to get some things and will be back in the evening. So I had a whole day for me and Julian. We needed some time to get comfortable with each other and to get the possibility to know each other a bit more and of course better. It was something new for me to have somebody to take care of, normally it was enough to take care of my own, and now we were 5 human beings and 4 of them of course to young to take care of them alone. I am not ever sure if I am able to take care of myself, I am not really good at it, often got hurt through the last years and of course … if course I knew nobody here at the town, that's why I told myself to go out with the boy. We had bought a buggy for Julian – the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, but I haven't seen a lot, because I never had a lot of friends. I never had the possibility to make real friends, Mr. Parker always had his fingers in the game. I was never sure whom I could trust and whom not, so I decided only to trust myself and Sydney of course. Syd was always there when I needed him, now he was too far away to talk to him and it wasn't the most secure way to talk to somebody who is involved in the whole shit we needed to get out of.

I went out with Julian and we spent the whole day in town. The church was something really fascinating. It was an old church, I would say 19th Century and the altar in it was black marble, yeah only black stone. I got in with Julian, letting the baggy in the back and we headed to it. The priest was talking to somebody and Julian was smiling at him and playing with my, now really, too long hair. I got used to let it long because Jarod liked it the long way, like I was wearing it years ago.

The baby was sitting on my hip and smiling at the foreigner like he would know him very well and Julian wasn't used to foreigners. I wondered why he didn't cry when we met first in Dublin, but it was something like a thick bondage which held us together.

"Are you knew in Leitir Ceanainn?" he asked me when I was turning around to go back to the child's buggy.

"Yes Sir I am." I smiled and he stared at my belly which was really getting big lately.

"You sound like American, aren't you girl?"

He really seemed to be a nice one. I didn't like men in black robes from his type at all but he seemed to be different.

"Yes Sir I am."

"Don't call me Sir girl, I am Father Padraigh"

"Thanks Father, I am … I am Mary" I answered him. He would be the third person who would call me by my first name – only Nana and Jarod did the same.

"Nice … Mary …. And who is this?" he asked me and pointed on the baby.

"Oh excuse  … that's Julian, my son"

"Nice to know you Julian." He said and asked by hand if he could hold him for a minute and Julian let him, grabbing with his little fingers for the dark cloth of the Father.

"He's a lovely kid, we don't have to many kids … most of the older ones are going to Dublin or leaving for England to get well paid jobs …. And of course they aren't coming back or at least very seldom."

I just smiled at him and put my hand on my back, it killing me since a couple of days more often than before.

"When will you be due?" he asked me, looking at my belly. I let  my other hand rest on my belly and smiling at him.

"Oh that … we are just in the middle of the miracle." I said and went to the bank to lean against the back of it. Now he was able to see it fully, the whole…

"Miracle?" he asked me and looked deep into my eyes. In exactly this moment I let them wander to the floor.

"We are expecting triplets." I told him with a soft shaking voice.

"Holy Mary" was the only thing he got out. "Sounds like a lot of work for you and your husband."

"We aren't married yet." I told him honestly "But we want to get married soon. We have been into too much troubles lately to think about marriage … "

"Oh … well … you have a lovely boy and you will have a wonderful big family soon I am sure you solved all you troubles."

"I hope so too Father." Julian started to cry and he gave him back go me. "You could come for Dinner during the next days if you want Father Padraigh." I told him and calmed Julian down. "We live in the lonely big house on the other side of the hill, after the circle ….."

"You mean the cul-de-sac"

"Yes I mean it … I didn't have had the possibility to get a look on a name plaid."

"It doesn't have one Mary. The area is just called 'Lismonaghan' and everybody knows who is living where"

"Okay thanks for this information Father … but I have to leave you know because I have a lot of work to do at home and a little shopping to do for dinner."

"We will see each other on Sunday, don't we?"

"Sure Father … when will the mess begin?" I asked him. I am not sure when it was that I attended a mess the last time. Before mum's death?

"At 10ish girl"

"Fine Father, we will see each other." I said and smiled at him with the best smile I had.

*****

"Daddy should be home soon" I told Julian when he was crying. I was waiting for Jarod. It was going to be late but he hadn't written down an exact time. Maybe he will come really late.

In the living room I found a map and was searching for Londonderry and I didn't found it. I started to call everything bed names – maybe because I haven't had a look for just "Derry". When I found it, I noticed that its not far away from here, just 3 hours maybe. He should be back soon.

Julian didn't want to stay calm, he was crying all time long and I really lost the nerves. I was shouting at him in an uncommon way. I had never shouted at someone recently but my fears were coming up and Julian wouldn't stay calm. I could do everything I wanted to do but he didn't want to stop crying.

I took him out of his crib again and it started to thunder and getting uncomfortable. Maybe he was crying because of it.

"We will go to bed now Julian. Mamma needs some rest and you too my little boy. Dad will wake us if he comes." I told him when I got up the stairs to the rooms.

*****

When I woke up, the room was cold and the baby was laying silently next to me, just staring at me, not making a move or letting a syllabi escape his little, cute and moistened mouth.

But there was no Jarod in the bed next to me and I started to panic.

"Jarod?" I screamed as loud as I could. "Jarod?" with a lot of anxiousness in my voice. I grabbed my robe and got it over my silken nightgown I bought the night before in Letterkenny. I got the kid on my arm, the other one rested on  my belly and I ran downstairs to have a look where Jarod was.

But he wasn't there, nowhere to see. "Jarod where are you?", tears in my eyes "Jarod come out of  …"  My tears broke out, and I was sobbing very loud and within a minute Julian was crying with me. But it was more than crying.

Jarod where are you? You should be back for hours

The phone was ringing and I jumped to get it.

"Yes?" I asked suddenly in a very shy way, afraid of who could be on the other end.

"Miss Parker?" a kiddy voice asked

"Yeah I am here Debbie. What can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to hear your voice but what's up Mary … it seems like you cried?"


"You are a good girl Debbie I did. "


"Parker? … Say it or I will look to get my Dad …. "

"No please not Debbie. I cried …. I cried because…because Jarod didn't came back last night."

"Did you have had a fight or something like that?"

"No … he just went to a near city to get some things … but … but never came back." I started to cry again.

"He will come back I am sure Ms P."

"Do me a favour Debbie and stay with Mary … I don't want to be reminded of my old life, its hard enough like it is right now."

"You know Mary that if you want ever to talk to somebody you can call me on this line. I will give you the number if you want"

She told me the number and I noted it and afterwards I got myself a cup of herbal tea and finished feeding Julian.

I went up with Julian to my bedroom and decided to take a shower but I couldn't let him alone. I got out of my robe and the silky nightgown, got Julian out of the baby cloths and we both headed naked to the shower, but staying in the bathroom I decided to take a bath would be more relaxing for us both. I turned on the heater on and let warm water fleet the bath tube. 

"Julian we will find Daddy I am sure … he will be back soon. Just stay calm please I can't see you cry … it breaks my heart little cutie." I told him and let my fingers glide into the nearly half full tube.

"That's fine … lets get inside the water boy …. We never had a time to bath together."

I stepped into the tube. Julian started to giggle happily when his feet met the warm water. I sat and slowly leaned back, to let my hurting back rest against the tube and Julian was laying on my naked breast, watching me silently with a big smile on his lovely little red lips.

"You look such a lot like your daddy boy. It hurts not to have him around to see us here in the tube having fun …if we can have fun at all without Daddy."

Julian let his head rest against my left breast and his feet play in the water, like he never did it before. Maybe it was the first skin contact he ever had with somebody, maybe.  But I couldn't turn back time, unfortunately not.

I put my hands around Julian not to let him glide too far into the water and closed my eyes a bit. I saw my mum standing in front of me looking at me, with her wonderful eyes and a big smile on her lips.

You loved this way of bathing a lot Mary she told me sweetly.

I remember that mum. And it seems to me like he likes it too …. But mum I need Jarod … where is he … help me to find him … please I said, sobbing inside of me.

He will be back.

When?

I don't know Mary

Julian got my nipple into his fingers and I shortly opened my eyes but closed it soon after, not caring about it at the moment even if it really hurt.

It seems to me I lose everything lately ….. you know when I was young I never needed anyone  and making love was just for fun … but those days are gone … living alone … finally it reminds me of all the friends I've know … and at home in the states when I dialled the telephone nobody's home …. And I don't want to be anymore all by myself … and to be sure mum… sometimes I feel so insecure … and love was so distant and obscure till I met Jarod again.

Mary …

I know mum I never made it easy for you or Mr. Parker but the only thing I really wanted was to be loved, nothing more, just to have somebody to talk to, just to have somebody on whose shoulder I could cry …

Now I started to cry for real, tears were running down my cheeks like the Nile comes down from the white mountains in Africa, powerful and strong.

Be strong Mary, be strong for you and the kids. You can't fall now, you can't allow it to yourself, not now.

You don't have to tell me mum and be sure I will be strong but its really hard to be strong if the person who you love most isn't there and you don't know who he is!

Suddenly I had to open my eyes because the phone was ringing. I got out of the tube, running naked downstairs with Julian in my arm.

"Yeah" I said  breathing heavily.

"Sorry Mary … its me again …. "


"Don't be sorry Debbie you can phone me all day long!"

"I just wanted to tell you that Daddy found out that they … the Centre … doesn't know where you are Mary and they didn't get Jarod or something like that."

"Thanks for telling me that girl but where else can he be?"

"I don't know it Mary!"

****

The first day without Jarod for months now. I am not sure how much longer I can take it. Julian keeps me pretty busy because he needs my full attention but I also need to do some housework. Nothing is running on its own if you have a big house to take care of.

And I really feel very alone now, more alone than when I was young or home at the States. In the States I had at least the Centre.

I brought Julian to my bed upstairs, not wanting to sleep alone in a big bed, alone of my own. And I got downstairs again to get something to eat, the only think I could comfort myself a bit was eating today. I ate a lot, more than on ordinary days – I know that it wasn't the right way to cope with my problem but the only one right now too.

"Jarod where are you? I need you and I really love you with every piece of my heart …. I don't want to live anymore if you aren't around me!"

____TBC____