Note: This time no song will be up for anything. I try just to get along with the sad parts, and get over it but life isn't easy like we know. Maybe thanks to Dianne in the beginning who is still busy betaing the first parts/chapters of my story. She knows that I am really thankful for it. I am not sure what I would do without her. And thanks to Kathie*g * – she's a real cutie & thanks to Mary, Clara, Christina (TX) and my elementary school friend  Cheryl to help me to cope with my little life crises. THX

Rating: NC17

Author: Mary Eve Parker   mary_eve_parker@yahoo.com

They don't have to see you cry Chapter 20  "The Power of Goodbye"

~Letterkenny / Co. Donegal ~

Dear Diary

Today is July 4th and I would be glad to have something to party but there isn't anything anymore. I am lone. Jarod is away for nearly one and half months and I am not sure how much longer I will take it.

Julian is fine and he's really a happy kid, happy with what I can give him which isn't a lot at the moment. I try to be calm and not to think too much about his father, but he is away and I am here alone, more than pregnant with nothing. Money never plaid an important role in our life, so it is now, I have enough to life without working for the next couple of years but I need him. My heart is broken and I am anxious that he is maybe dead and I don't know it, will never know it because not a soul knows about the bondage between us two. How should I tell Julian about his father and mainly what should I tell him.

A couple of days ago he started to run. It was a great event and I fêted it with him in silence.  I couldn't be happy, even if I was because something was missing in my life – Jarod. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to live without him.

I had a chat with Broots last week and he will send Debbie next week to stay with me and help me. He swore that nobody will know where she will be on her summer break. He also told me that its going down with the Centre and that nobody ever told him that they may know where Jarod and me are. Thanks god for it. Debbie will be a help.

Two days ago I had my first appointment at the Doctor here in Letterkenny which was really an advantages. Firstly I had to find him: Lismonaghan is a really big area, than the room was full of chatty Irish ladies who noticed the new face – me, and were only interested  into my life, pregnancy etc. and not in there anymore. I nearly had to kill some of them because of their questions. But I was invited to a couple of Dinners and tea times lately. They really kicked me out of my own house, and made me socialise a bit. I needed it, I thought I have to die in this house, alone.

Most of these ladies have tons of kids in their houses, and not only their own ones – and Father Padraigh tried to tell me that there aren't any kids …

I have nightmares more often than ever. I see him dead, his brother standing next to him. I try not to fall asleep anymore. I try to stay wake all day long not to see it, not to feel the pain in my heart and to see him.

Nana is fine too. I am glad that I she sent me the books she had spoken about "The man of the Snowy River by Andrew Barton Paterson" – it so different from the Whitman.

                        I had written him a letter which I had, for want of better

                                   Knowledge, sent to where I met him, down the Lachlan, years ago;

                        He was shearing, when I knew him, so I sent the letter to him,

                                   Just "on spec" , addressed as follows: "Clancy, of The Overflow"

                        And an answer came directed in a writing unexpected,

                                   (And I think the same was written with a thumbnail dipped  in tar) ;

                        'Twas his shearing mate who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:

"Clancy's gone to Queensland droving, and we don't know where he are"

                       * * * * * * * *

                        In my wild erratic fancy vision come to me of Clancy

                                   Gone a-droving  "down the Cooper" where the Western drovers go;

                        As the stock are slowly stringing, Clancy rides behind them singing ,

                                   For the drover's life has pleasures that the townsfolk never  know.

                        And the bush hath friends to meet him, and their kindly voices greet him,

                                   In the murmur of the breezes and the river on its bars    

                        And he sees the vision splendid of the sunlit plains extended,

                                   And at night the wondrous glory on the everlasting stars

Everlasting stars – one thing I got known here in Ireland, where my family is from,  my mum's family – my real family. The only family I have now – Nana. She sent me the book without any note, just her phone number on a small sheet of paper. I am not sure if its her handwriting, that's why I haven't called her yet. I am afraid of losing the faith in her and that she'll be the only one if something had happened to her during the last days.

Most of the day, if I am not socialising with other pregnant women I am sitting at home, looking to the candle I lit in the window. My mum always told me that if you lit a candle in the window if somebody is away, you can be sure that he/she will find the right way home. So did I … weeks ago.

I am nearly in the seventh month pregnant, unable to move sometimes and really unhappy with my body and the way it turned out. I am not able to get regular cloths, only this ugl maternal stuff. So at home I am usually running around in panties and oversized Tee's from Jarod. To always think that he's next to me because of the smell.

I am not sure how much longer I will be able to go. The kids making me busy because they don't let me rest a minute without kicking and I am running to the toilet about every 20 minutes and my back hurts like hell. But I am still alive, don't ask me why and for how much longer.

I will go now. The entry for today – the first since ages. I will try to write everything down for now, so if Jarod ever comes back, he will be able to know how I feel and how the pregnancy went on.

Love & I miss you Jarod, more than ever!

                                                                       M.E.

=======

Days went on and I couldn't wait to see Debbie. I borrowed Father Padraigh's car to go to Dublin and pick up Debbie. I couldn't wait to hug her, couldn't wait to see her smile and honestly I couldn't wait to get her helping hands.

The Father didn't ask me why I would need the car or if I would need any help, he just smiled at me and Julian. He was in love with the boy, not less than me. Julian was really lovely and since he was able to run, I was always running behind him, so that he wouldn't hurt himself. All these things forgot the fact that I was more than pregnant. I felt like carrying a VW Käfer in front of me – horrible.

I went out less during the last weeks, trying to get the house clean for Debbie. 

=======

~Dublin Airport ~

I went in without Julian's buggy because I knew that there were always tons of people around. Instead I decided to carry him, give him a change to be near me, let him sit on my hip – even if my back was killing me and my over sensual breasts were leaking even more through his bumpy touches. But I always told myself not to say anything because he was just a kid.

I was wearing the only matching outfit I could get through my last shopping tour. Shopping was horrible with Julian because he wanted to grab everything and run to … okay forget it. It was horrible but I found a nice looking knee length skirt in light blue and a matching blue blouse with soft flower prints on it. It was absolutely no typical Parker outfit I noticed it was more my mother's taste. Mum …

I was standing in the waiting area with a twitchy boy on a hip and a big smile on my face. I couldn't wait a minute longer. But her flight just landed and the way I know the airport and the Irish people, it would take her at least 35 minute to be out.

Julian wanted to sit down, when I found a comfortable position to sit, he wanted to stand up and go around a bit and so time ran away and I nearly missed the moment she was coming out, her big suitcase in the one hand a big bag in the other. She smiled at me and I let Julian's hand out and ran to her, embracing her with all the love I felt for her. She was the only child I had ever to do with, the only child who ever liked be before Julian.

"Oh Debbie it's so wonderful to see you" I said, my arms linked around her back, her head resting on my shoulder and Julian clasped to the ham of my skirt, he such an impatient kid.

"It's good to see you too Mary. I couldn't wait to see you, I missed you such a lot … and … Daddy said I have to take care of you … at least a bit … and he wants to wish you all the best." Tears were rolling down the soft cheeks of the girl I loved like she would be my own daughter.

"Oh I nearly forgot …" I said, wishing away her tears with my thumbs. "Julian this is Debbie. – Debbie this is my son Julian" 

"Son?" Debbie asked perplexed.

"Yes Jarod and my son." I nearly whispered. "Let's go Girl, we don't want to give the people a free show here."

She giggled softly and I wanted to take her bag, she shock her head and told me that she was now old enough to take care of her own stuff and that I shouldn't be allowed to carry Julian at all.  I just smiled at her. This girl really cares for me

"You got huge" she said with a smile on her cutie face. She really turned into a teenager within a couple of months. She wasn't the little girl I knew, now she was nearly a woman.

"Whom do you tell this Debbie?" I said and giggled happily.

Don't ask me who I was driving the car, my arms seems nearly too short, but I didn't care and contained by a couple of hours we were home.

======

The next day was a Sunday so we went to church. She laughed at me when I told her that I always went to church since Jarod was missing, even if nobody knows about him here.

Dear Diary

Its wonderful to have my girl back here. She's a big help. But my beloved Debbie laughed at me when I told her that we will go to church tomorrow but she nodded when I asked her if she would go with us.

She loves the house and things that Letterkenny is a cute nest. Yeah was the right way to describe it. It was really a nest, but of what?

We had a lot of fun in the evening. Together we bathed Julian and he loved it, splashed us with water all the time and laughed with us. She really softens my life at the moment, she helps me look forward and not always in the back.

I am really tired and I hope that I will be able to sleep today night and that those in my belly will not kick me all night long. Please!

I love you Jarod, with all my heart.

                        Yours forever, M.E.

======

I woke on the next day because of the smell of fresh cake. Did I overslept? I asked myself and had a look for my watch on the nightstand. No, it was just 8am. I grabbed my robe, not to run naked around the house anymore and went upstairs.

Debbie was standing in the kitchen in white dust and Julian was helping her to cut the apple pie she had made.

"Mama" he said with a big smile. He had never said something like that before, not in this connection, not in a moment like that  and not in a situation emotions were nearly overwhelming me.

I smile at him and tears burst out. I hugged him and Debbie as good and tight as possible, both kids having a hand resting on my belly. Both were act like siblings.

"I love you two" I said and whished away my tears.

======

Dear Diary

Its now a week that Debbie is here. She is really a big help, I never thought she would do such a lot for me without me asking her. She's the best.

I gained 5 pound more and the doc said that everything is fine, even the small bleedings I got lately when I was standing too long or carrying Julian too long or stuff like that. He told me that it would be normal if you were carrying such a mass in front of you.

The doc was nice at all because he joked a lot and didn't mean to just a doctor, he wants to be your friend so you would be able to trust him and tell him what the matter of fact is even if its really embarrassing. Debbie went with me and he told her what I was allowed to do, allowed to eat and drink and all these things. Julian was quite during this appointment – the first time in his life I think. Up from the moment we came home she babied me.

By nightmares are away, nearly.

I really miss you Jarod.

                        Love, M.E.

=======

"Mary could you open the door please? I am upstairs with Julian trying to get him clean of all the chocolate again."

"Sure I will." I got out of the couch. Slowly letting my legs try to catch the floor, getting grip of the back of the couch and with a fast * huag *  I was up.  "I am coming" I screamed to who ever was waiting outside.

I had a fast look into the mirror, brushed some hair strains behind my ears and opened the door the fast way, I had let the person wait long enough, with a bright smile on my face.

But the moment I saw the face standing outside, the body, these hand I wasn't able to smile anymore. Tears got up into my eyes and I started sobbing.

"Oh god Jarod you are back" came from behind me from Debbie who came the set of steps down with Julian.

The man didn't say a word. He was just staying there looking at us.

"Come in." Debbie said. I was something like knocked for six. I was just staying there and staring at him, not able to move, not able to say a word. I was waiting for a sign from the other side.

Jarod came in, not looking at me a second time, not saying a word.

"Do you want some tea?" Debbie asked Jarod and gave him a seat at the couch. Julian was standing next to him staring at him, and fumbling with his father's trousers.

"Thanks Miss" he said when Debbie brought him his cup.

"Miss?" I asked Jarod. "Jarod this is Debbie!"

"And who are you if I am allowed to ask?"

I grabbed the next part of furniture I could get and sank down slowly.

"Shit" Debbie screamed and ran to me. She got me just the minute before I touched the floor. "Sit down on the sofa Mary." She told me and Jarod stood up, offering me his seat.

"No you can stay there and take care of your wife." She yelled at him, heading to the kitchen with Julian.

I was pale like snow, I was sure, if I didn't look like a ghost at all. He sat next to me his eyes fixed on the wet spots on my tee. I had noticed them but didn't said a word. I had to control myself not to slap him, not to box my fists against his muscular chest.

"You are my wife?" he asked suddenly in a very shy way, a way I've never heard from this creature of god before.

"Looks like this" I sad and my hands rested on my belly. "And I am carrying our children" I reminded him.

"I can't remember …." He said and I saw tears playing up in his chocolate brown teddy bear eyes.

I tried to sat up, but he pushed my shoulder down. "Its better for you to rest in your … just lay back down." This tone was familiar to me. "I can't even remember to have a family… not you and not the girl, not even the baby running around here."

"Oh Jarod … " I sobbed. "What happened?"

"I don't know."

=====

Because of the fact that Debbie slept in the only guestroom he head and Julian in his own room, Jarod had the to decide to sleep next to me or on the sofa. And it didn't shock me that he had chosen the sofa to sleep on. This was a typical Jarod manner – if you aren't sure don't risk anything. But deep in my heart one more part broke and my soul was hurt badly.

=====

"Are you awake?" he asked me when he entered the room. I faked to be asleep, only half covered because of the heat. I accommodated to the Irish climate, and started to sweat if we only had about 25°C. My whole life changed – I wasn't counting in degrees anymore, nope, it was Grad Celsius etc.

I faked it and didn't had the time to close myself up. So I lay there with a naked chest, my now nearly three cups bigger breasts resting on the silk sheets I had bought. The only position I could sleep in was the side way, so he was able to see the full size they had gotten.

I had never faked anything before in front of Jarod but this time it wasn't really Jarod. I was a foreigner for him, even if we have had the best sex of my life.

I tried not to stare at my hardened big dark nipples which were, more or less, looking in his direction. It seemed to be hard for him. When he turned away I tried to glance at him, to see his naked male chest and the long hairy legs. He stand there at the cupboard just in a towel.

I moaned loud and turned around a big, letting the sheet glide down my belly, letting it just hide my legs. He should see what he had done to me. It wasn't him in person but his sperms inside me …

Jarod turned around and studied me from my eyes up to my hidden toes, very carefully. I just heard him whisper something about "beautiful", "big", "suck" and some indefinable morphemes.

=======

He had just needed something to hide his male body, something to wear. But the whole next day he wasn't able to look into my eyes or say a normal word to me. It was cute.

"Do you remember anything Jarod?"

He shock his head in response.

"Tell me what I need to know" I looked at him. What shall I tell you – where my only thoughts.

_____ TBC____


View My Guestbook
Sign My Guestbook