Ratings: umm... no clue I'm writing this based off Tales from the Crypt
except it's horror, gory stuff, but some humor involved so probably PG-13
to PG-15 I'll warn you later if there is any R but I doubt it. *grins
evilly* It's mostly grisly murder and good bloody fun!!! AU
Parings: None really I'm just killed people and punishing them *grins wickedly* Which is a job I shall take the upmost plesure in doing.
Comments: This is going to be one screwed up fic once I'm through. BWA HA HA HA!!! But I hope to do the Crypt Keeper proud with this diddy if not I suppose he'll just be... rolling over in his grave!!! *laughs at her bad joke like the Crypt Keeper would laugh at his* But hats off to you Mr. Crypt Keeper for I shall assume the role and make you proud!!! This fic is dedicated to the Crypt Keeper and everything he stands for in the position of "what goes around comes around". *cackles evilly*
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing nor did I have a hand in writing any of the tales or the titles of them that are about to be retold in an idiotic way by a perverted 15 year old SO DON'T SUE ME!!! All I have is my newly acquired Learner's Permit and that you can't have so NAH!!! *sticks her tougue out* ~JadeDragon
Tales from the Crypt
A figure turns in her chair to look at the guests who have decided to visit her humble home, well, crypt rather. Black-brown hair tumbles down her back as she looks at the audience with slate eyes from behind her glasses, her lips twisted into a grin. "Hello kiddies! Isn't this past your bedtime?" She waited a few seconds for a response. "No? You mean you want to hear a story before your bedtime and told by me Jade Dragon no less? A real... screamer you say?" The orginally harmless grin on her face turned postively wicked. "Well then sit back and relax because tonight I shall share with you not one but five tales of ghastly, gruesome horror! So snuggle up with your mummy and grab your blankie... you will need it! And no not for that!" An evil henchman had come over and whispered something really nasty into the Crypt Keeper/authoress's ear. "Joe! That's disgusting! Seriously I'm not THAT bad! Cut me some slack I'm trying to scare these people for five measly bucks per tale! After the show ok?!" Joe the henchman justs smirks evilly as the Crypt Keeper rolls her eyes. "Oh and tell Josh to get up off his lazy rump. I'm doing five tales so I need two evil henchmen isn't that what I pay you people for?!" Quickly she clears her throat and goes back to business, folding her hands in her lap. "Tonight we shall portray five very real sins in five tales: murder, lust, vanity, greed, and cruelty in that order to! Our first tale I appropriately titled And All Through the House. Ho ho ho! Merry Cutlery!"The evil sounds of her laughter echo through the building then you hear the henchman Josh shout, "Try and keep it down Jade!" Steamed, she shouts back, "DO YOU THINK I'M PAYING YOU TO SIT ON YOUR RUMP?! NOW DO WHAT YOU EVIL HENCHMEN ARE SUPPOSE TO DO OR I WILL BE FORCED TO SUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT AGAIN WITH THE VACUUM!" Silence and the scamper of feet follow plus a sigh from the Crypt Keeper. "I love it when the plan comes together." The screen fades to black as the last image is of the Crypt Keeper drinking a Pina Colada.
"And All Through the House"
A short blond-haired bundle of joy bounces around the living room, hardly able to contain his excitement over the gift he was to give his wife this Christmas Eve as little Marimeia was being tucked into bed by Dorthey, his wife.
Finally Quatre finished the small personalized card and attached it to the gift. The gift was a golden heart shaped necklace with a real diamond in the center of it all.
Quatre, feeling quite pleased with the gift to his wife, sat in his favorite chair and read the paper while waiting for his adoring wife to come down the stairs. Only when she came down the stairs he was met with a fireplace poker in the back of his skull.
The young husband fell face first into his newspaper and onto the floor, a smirking blonde wife with freakish eyebrows standing behind him, a bloody poker in hand.
"Merry Christmas Quatre darling", Dorthey said to herself as she smiled sadistically at the murder that had been wrought.
Christmas music continued to play through the radio even as the tall, awkward wife dragged her husband's body to the basement.
Suddenly the Christmas music was interupted followed by a broadcast. "Attention, a homicidal maniac has just escaped from the Happy Arces Mental Asylem along with two other potentially dangerous mental patients. The homicidal trio are dressed as Santa and two elves so take care to lock all your doors and windows. If you see anything suspious contact the local authorites. Do not try to detain these criminals yourself. They are armed and dangerous."
A cheerful voice cuts back in. "And now back to our happy holiday hits! Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."
Music began to play once again as Dorthey continued her labors, placing her husband at the bottom of the stairs to make it appear to be an accident before taking the blood from his newspaper and using it to spill next to his body.
She quickly burns the newpaper and tries to clean the rug when she hears her little girl Marimeia calling.
Dorthey dashes up the stairs to see the red-haired little girl and kneels by her bedside, wiping the bright curling locks away from her daughter's face.
"Yes my little angel?
"When's Santa coming? And his little elves?" Marimeia asked in childish delight.
"Just as soon as you drop off to sleep", her mother replies as she kisses her forehead.
"Goodnight my darling."
The little girl beams and says, "I love you mommy! Merry Christmas!" Then she shouts to a father who can no longer hear her. "Goodnight daddy! Merry Christmas! I love you!"
As Dorthey is tucking in the half asleep little one she hears a strange noise at her front door. Quietly she goes down the stairs but she does not answer the door, remembering the advisory on the radio she systematically begins locking every door and window. As she is about to lock the last window, she sees the face of the homicidal maniac.
The man, his ginger brown hair hidden beneath a Santa cap, tries to smash the window as his helpers attempt the same thing but Dorthey quickly locks the shutters over the window to prevent them from entering.
For the first time that night she breathes a sigh of relief as she sits on the couch and spots the gift from her late husband. Gingerly, she lifts the small package and reads the card.
"Oh sweet Quatre. Too bad you were worth more money dead than alive otherwise I might have kept you around."
Greedily she opened the box to find the gold heart-shaped trinket, the diamond shining in the middle of it.
"Well now this could be worth something as well. Hmm... I may have to sell this later."
With that she tosses the gift aside before hearing her daughter call out to her again. She groaned, walking up the stairs and opening little girl's door and gaping in horror at the scene before her.
Her little angel only replied, "See Mommy I told you Santa and his elves would come!"
The End (add screams here)
The screen fades to black as the Crypt Keeper is still found sitting in her rightful seat, Josh and Joe at her feet while she pet their heads. "Good henchmen. Nice work. Yes you guys are wonderful. Yes you are! Yes you are!" Unfortnately the Crypt Keeper insists on using the sicky sweet voice before clearing her throat and grinning wickedly. "Well kiddies I hope you enjoyed the first of five ghoulish tales. Damn, well you know Dorthey would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for that pesky Trieze psycho nut- job." Joe and Josh clear their throats, crossing their arms over their chests. "Oh yes and his little elves too! Such good henchmen!" She goes back to petting their hair as she continues her speech. "Tune in next time for our second installment titled 'Reflection of Horror'! Just remember just remember kiddies crime does pay until you get your guts spewed everywhere!" Our Crypt Keeper ends the episode by resiting a bad joke and proceeding to cackle evilly at it while Josh and Joe just rolled their eyes. Joe spoke to Josh, "Well at least we get something out of this." Josh then ponders and replies, "Wait a minute we don't get anything for this!" The Crypt Keepers bops them both on the head. "Pipe down! Or I'll have both your brains sucked out and you'll get to enjoy the company of the ever popular Trieze." Out of the corner of Joe and Joshes' eyes they see the man that played the homicidal maniac in Rocky Horror Picture Show get-up and on his back with one leg in the air. Grinning pervertedly he says, "I can be very nice." Josh and Joe both pick this moment to faint as the Crypt Keeper cackles evilly and the screen goes black but before it does you hear Trieze inquire, "What?! Was it something I said?!"
Fine
Parings: None really I'm just killed people and punishing them *grins wickedly* Which is a job I shall take the upmost plesure in doing.
Comments: This is going to be one screwed up fic once I'm through. BWA HA HA HA!!! But I hope to do the Crypt Keeper proud with this diddy if not I suppose he'll just be... rolling over in his grave!!! *laughs at her bad joke like the Crypt Keeper would laugh at his* But hats off to you Mr. Crypt Keeper for I shall assume the role and make you proud!!! This fic is dedicated to the Crypt Keeper and everything he stands for in the position of "what goes around comes around". *cackles evilly*
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing nor did I have a hand in writing any of the tales or the titles of them that are about to be retold in an idiotic way by a perverted 15 year old SO DON'T SUE ME!!! All I have is my newly acquired Learner's Permit and that you can't have so NAH!!! *sticks her tougue out* ~JadeDragon
Tales from the Crypt
A figure turns in her chair to look at the guests who have decided to visit her humble home, well, crypt rather. Black-brown hair tumbles down her back as she looks at the audience with slate eyes from behind her glasses, her lips twisted into a grin. "Hello kiddies! Isn't this past your bedtime?" She waited a few seconds for a response. "No? You mean you want to hear a story before your bedtime and told by me Jade Dragon no less? A real... screamer you say?" The orginally harmless grin on her face turned postively wicked. "Well then sit back and relax because tonight I shall share with you not one but five tales of ghastly, gruesome horror! So snuggle up with your mummy and grab your blankie... you will need it! And no not for that!" An evil henchman had come over and whispered something really nasty into the Crypt Keeper/authoress's ear. "Joe! That's disgusting! Seriously I'm not THAT bad! Cut me some slack I'm trying to scare these people for five measly bucks per tale! After the show ok?!" Joe the henchman justs smirks evilly as the Crypt Keeper rolls her eyes. "Oh and tell Josh to get up off his lazy rump. I'm doing five tales so I need two evil henchmen isn't that what I pay you people for?!" Quickly she clears her throat and goes back to business, folding her hands in her lap. "Tonight we shall portray five very real sins in five tales: murder, lust, vanity, greed, and cruelty in that order to! Our first tale I appropriately titled And All Through the House. Ho ho ho! Merry Cutlery!"The evil sounds of her laughter echo through the building then you hear the henchman Josh shout, "Try and keep it down Jade!" Steamed, she shouts back, "DO YOU THINK I'M PAYING YOU TO SIT ON YOUR RUMP?! NOW DO WHAT YOU EVIL HENCHMEN ARE SUPPOSE TO DO OR I WILL BE FORCED TO SUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT AGAIN WITH THE VACUUM!" Silence and the scamper of feet follow plus a sigh from the Crypt Keeper. "I love it when the plan comes together." The screen fades to black as the last image is of the Crypt Keeper drinking a Pina Colada.
"And All Through the House"
A short blond-haired bundle of joy bounces around the living room, hardly able to contain his excitement over the gift he was to give his wife this Christmas Eve as little Marimeia was being tucked into bed by Dorthey, his wife.
Finally Quatre finished the small personalized card and attached it to the gift. The gift was a golden heart shaped necklace with a real diamond in the center of it all.
Quatre, feeling quite pleased with the gift to his wife, sat in his favorite chair and read the paper while waiting for his adoring wife to come down the stairs. Only when she came down the stairs he was met with a fireplace poker in the back of his skull.
The young husband fell face first into his newspaper and onto the floor, a smirking blonde wife with freakish eyebrows standing behind him, a bloody poker in hand.
"Merry Christmas Quatre darling", Dorthey said to herself as she smiled sadistically at the murder that had been wrought.
Christmas music continued to play through the radio even as the tall, awkward wife dragged her husband's body to the basement.
Suddenly the Christmas music was interupted followed by a broadcast. "Attention, a homicidal maniac has just escaped from the Happy Arces Mental Asylem along with two other potentially dangerous mental patients. The homicidal trio are dressed as Santa and two elves so take care to lock all your doors and windows. If you see anything suspious contact the local authorites. Do not try to detain these criminals yourself. They are armed and dangerous."
A cheerful voice cuts back in. "And now back to our happy holiday hits! Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."
Music began to play once again as Dorthey continued her labors, placing her husband at the bottom of the stairs to make it appear to be an accident before taking the blood from his newspaper and using it to spill next to his body.
She quickly burns the newpaper and tries to clean the rug when she hears her little girl Marimeia calling.
Dorthey dashes up the stairs to see the red-haired little girl and kneels by her bedside, wiping the bright curling locks away from her daughter's face.
"Yes my little angel?
"When's Santa coming? And his little elves?" Marimeia asked in childish delight.
"Just as soon as you drop off to sleep", her mother replies as she kisses her forehead.
"Goodnight my darling."
The little girl beams and says, "I love you mommy! Merry Christmas!" Then she shouts to a father who can no longer hear her. "Goodnight daddy! Merry Christmas! I love you!"
As Dorthey is tucking in the half asleep little one she hears a strange noise at her front door. Quietly she goes down the stairs but she does not answer the door, remembering the advisory on the radio she systematically begins locking every door and window. As she is about to lock the last window, she sees the face of the homicidal maniac.
The man, his ginger brown hair hidden beneath a Santa cap, tries to smash the window as his helpers attempt the same thing but Dorthey quickly locks the shutters over the window to prevent them from entering.
For the first time that night she breathes a sigh of relief as she sits on the couch and spots the gift from her late husband. Gingerly, she lifts the small package and reads the card.
"Oh sweet Quatre. Too bad you were worth more money dead than alive otherwise I might have kept you around."
Greedily she opened the box to find the gold heart-shaped trinket, the diamond shining in the middle of it.
"Well now this could be worth something as well. Hmm... I may have to sell this later."
With that she tosses the gift aside before hearing her daughter call out to her again. She groaned, walking up the stairs and opening little girl's door and gaping in horror at the scene before her.
Her little angel only replied, "See Mommy I told you Santa and his elves would come!"
The End (add screams here)
The screen fades to black as the Crypt Keeper is still found sitting in her rightful seat, Josh and Joe at her feet while she pet their heads. "Good henchmen. Nice work. Yes you guys are wonderful. Yes you are! Yes you are!" Unfortnately the Crypt Keeper insists on using the sicky sweet voice before clearing her throat and grinning wickedly. "Well kiddies I hope you enjoyed the first of five ghoulish tales. Damn, well you know Dorthey would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for that pesky Trieze psycho nut- job." Joe and Josh clear their throats, crossing their arms over their chests. "Oh yes and his little elves too! Such good henchmen!" She goes back to petting their hair as she continues her speech. "Tune in next time for our second installment titled 'Reflection of Horror'! Just remember just remember kiddies crime does pay until you get your guts spewed everywhere!" Our Crypt Keeper ends the episode by resiting a bad joke and proceeding to cackle evilly at it while Josh and Joe just rolled their eyes. Joe spoke to Josh, "Well at least we get something out of this." Josh then ponders and replies, "Wait a minute we don't get anything for this!" The Crypt Keepers bops them both on the head. "Pipe down! Or I'll have both your brains sucked out and you'll get to enjoy the company of the ever popular Trieze." Out of the corner of Joe and Joshes' eyes they see the man that played the homicidal maniac in Rocky Horror Picture Show get-up and on his back with one leg in the air. Grinning pervertedly he says, "I can be very nice." Josh and Joe both pick this moment to faint as the Crypt Keeper cackles evilly and the screen goes black but before it does you hear Trieze inquire, "What?! Was it something I said?!"
Fine
