Author's note: This story is the one that actually makes humorous fun of the "Riou reunites with Jowy, a fight ensues, angst, and they declare their love" story formula. Be prepared to laugh, be prepared to read some things that might offend you, and most importantly, be prepared to question my sanity! (not that it isn't in question already)
Meeting at Tenzan Pass
By Al Kristopher
Adhvanit21@aol.com
Second Point of View: Something slightly bizarre
Feeling very proud of himself for killing the incarnation of the Beast Rune, and basically making all of Highland look like a ridiculous group of fools, Riou merrily strolled into the Great Hall to boast of his accomplishments. But wouldn't you know it, that mean old Shu had ANOTHER "important issue" to discuss!!! No fair!!!
"Lord Riou!" called said annoying strategist. Riou rolled his eyes so much that they sank in the back of his sockets, and if Nanami were still there (God forbid), she would have dragged him towards the dark-haired man. The little brat was thankfully out of the picture, but unfortunately, Shu was not.
"Yes, Shu?" groaned Riou with as much exasperation as he could muster.
"You beat Highland, and now we want you to be our king!" declared Shu. He suddenly thrust out a crown, demanding that Riou wear it. Riou's mouth opened up in joyous rapture, and he squealed like a certain brunette martial artist whom he was related to.
"Oh, wow!!!" he exclaimed. "Yippeee!! I get to be Kii-iing, I get to be Kii-iing!" He continued to skip around Shu, singing the same song over and over again: I get to be Kii-iing, I get to be Kii-iing! Shu grumbled to himself, coughed, and tried to look important for once.
"Yes, well, here's your stupid crown." Riou smiled like a child, and knelt down to receive the golden headband. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Viktor appeared!
"Riou!" he barked. "Aren't you forgetting something?! You have to go to Tenzan Pass and meet up with Jowy again!"
"That's right!" declared Apple. "The two of you need to kiss and make up, so to speak!" Everyone in the Great Hall either blushed or whistled, but poor dumb clueless Riou scratched his head.
"Huh? What're you guys talkin' about? I don't wanna see that wuss! I wanna be King!"
"But you have to go see Jowy!" whined Teresa. "The game wouldn't end well unless the two of you settled your differences and declared your love!"
"That's sick!" blurted Riou, sticking his tongue out for good measure. "And even if I wanted to go see Jowy again, I have no idea where he is!" All of a sudden, as if on cue, Viki materialized from out of nowhere!!!!
"Huh? Huh? What? What happened? Where am I?" She began looking around, dazed and confused as always, but the moment she saw Riou and Shu with a crown in his hands, she knew what was going on.
"Oh, right!!" she exclaimed. "You need to go to Tenzan Pass, right? I can get you there in a jiffy!!"
"No, wait!!" protested poor Riou. His screeches were in vain, and before anyone in the Grand Hall… or Great Hall, whatever it was called… Anyway, before anyone in the room could say "Shazam!" (and believe me, some would), both Riou and Viki had disappeared.
"Well, there they go," sighed Flik, stating the obvious.
"Viki's so lucky," sighed General Valeria. "She gets to be witness to Riou and Jowy's heartfelt reunion! And then she gets to see… well, uh… their, uh… um… (cough) their… 'heartfelt… reunion'…" Blushing a little, Valeria had to cough a few more times before she really got her head clear. Anita poked her from behind.
"Awww, poor Vally," she sang playfully. "Did you wanna join them for a little fun?"
"N-no!" blurted the General hastily. Anita grinned slyly and placed her hand on her rival's shoulder.
"Are you suuuuuuuuuuuure?"
"Yes, Anny! I'm sure!" Anita grinned, and whispered something in Valeria's ear that made her rival blush a lot. Shu closed his eyes, smiled weakly, and scratched his head as the two rivals tried to sneak away from the room. He reminded himself to give orders that nobody should… disturb the two swordwomen for the next few hours.
Meanwhile!!!
With a ZAP, both Viki and Riou emerged at Tenzan Pass, right at the place where all that fuss had began. Jowy, who was expecting his "friend" to arrive on foot, nearly had a seizure as he saw his love--I mean, his friend emerge from the air, along with a girl with long black hair. That was something he didn't see every day!
"Riou! Some other chick I don't know! What are you doing here?!" he blurted. Riou grumbled and nursed a bump on his head; Viki was absorbed with watching a butterfly.
"This girl teleported me here!" grumbled Riou, pointing his thumb at the engrossed Viki. Jowy nodded his head once.
"Oh, okay. Well, thanks girl! Now, if you'll just leave us alone, Riou and I will conduct our, umm… (cough) business!" A pause. Both young men looked at each other and scratched their individual heads. Suddenly, Viki snapped out of her trance.
"Huh? What? What happened?"
Two groaning sounds came from the boys.
"Viki, would you please leave us be for awhile?" moaned Riou. The adorable blink mage shook her head firmly.
"No way! I wanna stick around and watch the two of you make sweet passionate love!" At her overly-honest language, Jowy blushed furiously, but Riou's red face was caused by anger.
"VIKI!! What kind of thoughts run through that head of yours, anyway?!"
"It's best not to know…" murmured the young girl mysteriously. This led both boys to scratch their heads yet again, but before they could ask her what she meant, Viki had accidentally teleported herself away, leaving the two lov--erm, friends, alone!
"Weird girl!" murmured Jowy to himself. Riou could not disagree. Jowy came back to the situation at hand, and began his long, boring, and very-much pointless speech. "Riou, it was here where our lives parted…"
"Aw, man!" whined the young hero. "Is this gonna take long?! I promised Eilie I'd go out with her!"
"Eilie?!" blurted Jowy, a tinge of jealousy in his voice. "You mean that gypsy girl?"
"Yeah, so?"
"But… I thought you loved me!" whined the other boy. "I thought we were destined to be lovers--I mean, enemies! ENEMIES! I meant enemies! …What did I say?"
"………Definitely not what I wanted to hear," murmured Riou. Jowy growled, shook his head, and quickly changed the subject.
"Anyway," he said, bringing out his Star Staff, "we have to fight, okay? Highland and the Aegis Army are enemies, or some crap like that, so in order for peace to thrive and blah blah blah, you have to kill me!"
"Okay," shrugged Riou with surprising indifference, and the young hero dashed forth to give his "friend" a mighty bonk on the head with his Destiny Fang Staff.
"OW!" wailed Jowy, rubbing the large bump. "RIOU!!! You're not supposed to fight me! You're supposed to say something like, 'Oh, we can't fight, Jowy, because you're my friend and I love you'!" Riou, who was very much confused at Jowy's behavior, scratched a head that never seemed to lack an itch.
"But… you said we need to fight each other!"
"Yeah, but… YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY FIGHT ME!!!"
"I'm so confused!" moaned Riou. Jowy growled and prepared himself for another fight.
"Riou!" he shouted. "You have to kill me! You have to get rid of all members of the Blight family! Luca and Agares are dead, and God only knows where Jilia is, so I'm the last one! Kill me and this long war will end!"
"Okay," shrugged Riou with the same amount of indifference as before, and once again he dashed forward to give Jowy a mighty bonk on the head.
"OWWWW!!!!" screamed Jowy, tears coming from his eyes. "RIOU!!! What are you doing?!" A pause. Riou stuck his finger in his mouth innocently.
"…Uhhh… killing you?"
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL ME!!!!!!" spat Jowy. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REFUSE!!!!"
"But you told me to--"
"Never mind!" growled Jowy, standing up for one more attack. "Riou, if you don't fight back, then I'll kill you!"
"Okay," shrugged Riou again, and before Jowy could take a single step, Riou dashed forward and gave Jowy yet another mighty bonk on his head. Three enormous knots formed on the lad's poor noggin, and tears of pain gushed out of his eyes as he fell to the floor.
"Ack, no!" he wailed. "Riou! You're supposed to scream out my name as I fall!"
"…Why would I do that?" wondered the poor boy. "You've been begging me to kill you ever since I got here, and now you want me to make sure you're okay? Geez, no wonder you're such a wuss!" Jowy moaned out in defeat as Riou stood there, and held his hand out in one last desperate attempt.
"(Koff koff) Riou… my dear friend… (koff koff) Take… the Rune on my hand…"
"Okay," shrugged Riou, and the young boy knelt down and grabbed Jowy's hand.
"Riou!!!" screamed poor Jowy. "What are you doing?! You're supposed to refuse!"
"Oh, that's IT!!!!!!" roared the hero. Gnashing his teeth in a rage, Riou threw away his puny sticks and produced a humongous grenade launcher. Jowy's eyes bugged out to the size of moons as they stared into the gaping barrel.
"Riou!" he blurted. "You have such a big gun!!!"
"Oh, shut up!" wailed Riou angrily. "I'm not in love with you, so don't suggest it! It's Eilie who has my heart! Eilie and Eilie alone!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Jowy. "How could you choose a trampy gypsy like her over a hot, sexy, gorgeous young boy like me??" Riou only needed a fraction of a second to answer that question.
"Because, oh I dunno, maybe I like GIRLS?!?!?" Jowy swallowed, and stammered in disbelief.
"But… I thought… I thought…"
"Eilie's nice and cute and sweet and sexy--oh, boy is she sexy!--and she takes care of me and she's compassionate and she has frickin' jugs!!!"
"But… I thought…" Riou suddenly loaded his enormously enormous weapon, clicked the safety off, and pressed his finger on the trigger. "Riou!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THINK OF THE FAN GIRLS!!!!!"
"Fan girls THIS, you wuss!!!!" roared Riou, and without a second wasted, he blew Jowy's poor widdle head off--along with the rest of him.
"Ouch," said Jowy. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Shu appeared!!
"Oh my god, he killed Jowy!" he screamed. "You monster!"
"Whatever," snorted Riou, walking away from the blasted cliff as if he did that sort of stuff every day. Shu groaned in confusion, scratched his head, and decided not to ask.
Sometime later!!!!
Riou returned to his castle and received a hero's welcome. Eilie ran up to him and gave him a big hug, and he twirled the young woman in the air until they both grew dizzy. Then, Riou planted a loving kiss on her mouth.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" screamed the ghost of Jowy.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" screamed every fan girl ever made.
"I'm hungry," said Bolgan. Riou and Eilie smiled happily at each other, and together they became King and Queen of all of Aegis country!
And they all lived crappily ever after!
The End!!!
