Saavik

She watched McCoy come in, waiting for his reaction. Letting the man inside the door gave him entrance to more than just the room she had shared with Spock for the past few days. Their quarters reflected the two of them at their most primeval, their most private, their most… non-human.

The doctor spun around suddenly, feeling her gaze, and for a second she saw a frantic expression on his face, as if he searched for her and was worried he wouldn't find her. Then the state of the room seeped into him and in spite of his multitude of past comments that started with 'green-blooded, pointed eared--', he was shaken by the alieness of what he saw.

The sheep's clothing has been pulled off Spock and I, and McCoy has found le-matyas, not wolves.

She did not want him shaken, not for the world would she upset him. He was too good to her, and he meant so much to Spock.

She cast her eyes over, prepared to point out silently how right she had been, but stopped. Everything her mate felt for her spoke from his eyes, and she felt her own response surge out through their bond. She caught his subtle shift in balance and muscle and knew he was coming for her, ready to push the intruder out and gather her to him. Her hands already planned how to take the deep red robes off of him, her mind already opened and seeking his in the minimal space between them, her body already feeling the touch of his skin against hers.

"I guess we can forget about the bride and groom not seeing each other before the wedding," McCoy said.

Interrupted, the flame banked into embers, and she gazed at him with some humor. Much better; McCoy was... McCoy again, and although he ruined what would have been a wonderful time for Spock and her, the intrusion was necessary. Unwelcome, but necessary.

Spock gave in to the inevitable, and she walked with him out of the room into the too bright day. The sunshine reminded her of how long it had been since she last saw it: the day she arrived on Vulcan, already in the throes of seizures and unconscious. Although… was it daytime when she arrived? Through the haze she remembered one female healer each taking her arm, a third at her legs, lifting her off the shuttle's gurney like a martyred figure.

At least, she thought she remembered it. Her controls were not equal to Spock's, not even to other Vulcans who had started their training at the normal age. She fell to the Time of Mating faster than her bondmate had.

McCoy came up behind them, the bare white door closing, and she felt a tinge of regret for the lost moment he had interrupted. But she let it go, settling for teasing Spock silently over McCoy's earlier reaction. He was staring at her again, more in control this time, but with the hunger close to the surface. It distracted her for long moments until the doctor stumbled over something he tried to tell them. She was still half-distracted when she gave her response, and so when he informed her he had thought she had been dying -- which was true -- and had rushed here to at least say his final goodbye, she was stunned. She always thought McCoy saw her as some extension of Spock. That she meant enough to him personally--

She and Spock moved in tandem, their union in pon farr extending to these first moments of separation. They each took one of Leonard's hands -- the hands since they were so important to Vulcans, being the instruments through which they poured their mental ability and themselves.

The impact of this moment did not mean she enjoyed any less the teasing she gave the doctor with Spock's help. After all, that Bride of Satan comment deserved some retaliation; McCoy must have been saving that particular colorful reference for years, just waiting for the right moment. Nothing the man did surprised her anymore -- or at least hadn't until today. His freely speaking of his love for them and his happiness for this day were things she already knew, but the small kiss on her cheek caught her off-guard.

If Spock did not continually stare at me so ardently, I might not be off-guard… really, his faith in her self-control was touching but misplaced. She felt her pulse leap with each of her mate's looks; so much so, she truly repented coming out into public.

Reason returned with the presence of her wedding party, especially in light of her renewed lessons in what was expected of her today. She noted almost sadly that Sarek hesitated to remind Spock of the male's duties, not wanting to recall how wrongly his first wedding ended. Wrongly, she thought darkly, because of the improper Challenge, not because he was meant to be with T'Pring. She felt no jealousy over Spock's first betrothed – although she would have to restrain her words and actions if she ever met the woman -- or anyone else previously in his life. How could she? She was the one standing here today, about to enter his family's ancestral site for Koon-ut-kal-if-fee.

And yet… something inside mocked her brave, proper thoughts… She had come close to being jealous a day or so ago, when pon farr ebbed for a few moments. How ironic to think that she grew covetous not over someone, but something – something she herself dedicated her life to.

They had lain together, limbs entwined, discussing the sudden passionate present and a future that death had come close to removing. She had at last given voice to the thoughts that had built from the moment she had first learned he had crossed the Neutral Zone days ago. She had meant to do so reasonably, but reason had fled into righteous anger as she had told him he never should have gone into such danger alone when Charvanek had contacted him for help. Her throat had tightened as she had explained how it had bothered her that Uhura, not Spock, was the one to tell her what he had done. How she had thought:

…I will not stand watch, Spock, while you sacrifice yourself again… I will not be left holding a burial robe as the one thing I have left of you…

And he had replied only that she understood duty as well as he did.

Her temper had flared at this casual dismissal, recalling again how Surak died violently for his cause. That fact edged her words as she had argued. She did understand duty for she went to Narendra III without him, even though the odds were she would die from pon farr. When he had irritably replied, "I told you I had allies I could not abandon. Charvanek--", Saavik had scrambled out of the tangle of limbs and bedding. Without the benefits of her emotional controls, she had succumbed too easily to an enraged storm.

"Please tell me I did not just hear you say you could not abandon CHARVANEK! When you could obviously abandon me to most likely die at Narendra III!"

He never finished his blithe reply, "The needs of the many--"

Sheer fury and pon farr had given her the strength to flip their massive bed on its side, dumping her clueless mate to the floor. She had vaulted over the overturned frame before the utter shock and anxiety on Spock's face reigned in her temper. Sickened that she caused him to be so distressed, she had lowered herself to her knees next to him.

"I thought you understood," he had said hoarsely at last. "Dralath had to be stopped. I had to find a way to ensure that happened."

"I do understand," she answered, swallowing hard. "I only wonder – Spock, why must it always be you who undertakes these things? The message my subconscious heard that night, that has haunted me as I lay in the dark alone while you slept, is this. Between the two of us, my death was more acceptable to you than Charvanek's, my fate less important than her war."

A look of horror had risen in his eyes and he had grabbed her arms. "How can you say that to me? I came to you as soon as I was able."

"As soon as duty was satisfied. No, listen to me! I do understand. I am as sworn to my responsibility to protect the Federation and uphold its ideals as you. However, I am not sworn to a Cause other than that oath, and if need be, I will put you before it. Spock, can you ever do that? Will there be a time when the needs of the two will outweigh the many, or is this all our lives will ever encompass?"

His voice was very soft. "When I went behind the Neutral Zone, I was thankful I did not risk anyone but myself, that is why I did not contact you. I did not want you endangered."

"But I was endangered! If something happened to you... put aside what our bond suddenly ending would have done to me, if you had died..." She had held his face in her hands, that face so dear to her, marked by lines of experience and years, the years that so incredibly formed the mind that always drew her. The face containing warm eyes that gripped her heart, and the mouth she had, even at that important moment, thought of stroking with her own. Her voice had shaken. "I could not even write you a letter to say goodbye when I wrote the others with my will. Can you not imagine what your death would do to me?"

"Yes." The word had torn from his throat, raw and distraught. "When I saw you there, amongst Dralath's vipers -- when I heard about the Klingon colony and thought you---" He struggled for control.

"Don't, Spock. Even if you could, I do not want you to check whatever it is you think or feel. Not between us."

His eyes warmed. "You have always given me your acceptance."

"Always. As you have given me yours. Tell me what you are thinking."

He took a deep breath, not for control, but to find a place to start. "I know I take on more than my assigned missions, and those demands unfairly take more of me. Another husband could give you more of himself, while I can only swear to you, and I do swear, that I will never let my work take all of me away from you."

"Are you certain you can make that promise?"

"That is unfair. Your work keeps us apart as much as mine."

"It is not your work that concerns me. It is your idealism."

"Saavik," his voice showed the strain, "would you say all this if I was not seeking reunification with the Romulans?"

"Honestly…" She had searched herself and the motivations stirring somewhere in her abdomen. "Yes, I would." She had stroked his cheek and smiled fondly. "If it was not the Romulans, it would be something else."

"Do you ask me to choose?" There was a fear in his voice that she had never heard before. And it warmed her heart.

"Never. You would not be you without it. I ask if there is a place for me along with it."

"If I believed anything else, I would not have bonded with you. Does my coming home to you not prove that?"

"No, because you are bonded to me, Spock, and pon farr drew you home. It is not a conscious choice. Our lives depended on the Fires being satisfied, but it is not a reason to marry. Not for me, nor for you. I will not have you out of obligation or for a decision you made when you thought you could not have the path you wanted."

"I do not understand why you suddenly think this way." He had stared into her uneasily. "Or have you thought this all along?"

She had looked away while she searched herself again. "...No. I did, after all, leave you behind when you insisted, but what that cost me… leaving you there, and most likely never see you again. I learned how… intensely emotional I am about you." She stopped, and her features softened with a warm glow. "Ashau nash-veh tu."

"Ashau nash-veh tu," he echoed. I love you.

"I always will, Spock, no matter what path our lives take. We spoke of having children, and I want them – I surprise myself with how deeply I want them. However, our plans for them centered on your being an Ambassador and my career in Starfleet. But is that true anymore? Will our children be cheated of their parents because you need to serve something more than duty? Charvanek's campaign, for example--"

"You have mentioned her more than once. Is this about Charvanek? Saavik, if it is--?"

But she had already shaken her head, and had even managed a wry smile. "No, or I would not have so easily left you behind with her. Although I can imagine how quickly she made you an offer to help you through the Fires."

"I would never dishonor you that way."

"Meaning she did suggest it. Oh yes, I am sure it was out of friendship." The smile became darker. "And despite my knowing you were once attracted to her and how much of it still exists, I know she is not a rival. I know because she knows and I saw it written in her expression. But I am discussing something else." She had stopped to gather her thoughts, and when she had looked at him again, her eyes had shone. "You end my loneliness. Bonded to you has been the only time in my life when I have been... never parted. I do not want to lose you, not even to a good cause, and it is not fair to cheat any children we have." She had touched his lips to keep him from speaking. "I know my duty to Starfleet and the Federation. And I know yours. I ask only to share your life with it. Do what you must do and I will help you any way I can, if it is true I am sharing you and not always abandoned. If you need to be no one's, tell me so and as soon as it can be safely done, I will free you from our bonding. Only, tell me now. Do not let me find out years from now I married a crusade, not a man."

His grip had eased on her arms, but he had lost none of his ardor. "Do you honestly believe I want anything else? I am looking for a wife, not someone to soldier my conflicts."

"You know I will always stand by you, even if we are not married."

"I know."

"I will even come to you for pon farr if you do not choose someone else. But we cannot go any further. It is not fair to either of us."

"You would leave me?" he rasped.

"If it is necessary for us both, yes."

And then she had suddenly trembled. Without a word, Spock had gathered her closer, warming her with his body, and then wrapped a sheet around them both sealing them intimately together. "I made a choice for a greater good on Romulus, and you understood and shared in it. I wish I could say you did not have to share me at all, or that it would at least be in equal proportion to how I will share you with your work." And it had been his turn to press staying fingers to lips. "I told you when we discussed our betrothal about the time, years ago on Enterprise, when I was first struck by the woman you had become. I silently vowed to wait for you, no matter how many years it took, so you would have time for establishing your career. I allowed too many other things to stop my hopes that you would ever see me in the same light: my memory loss from Genesis, such tearings as Valeris, and then I built a new life and needed time myself. You cannot believe how amazed I was to discover you were not only finally ready, as I was, for a bondmate, but that you thought of me."

His forehead had then nestled against hers, and she had whispered hoarsely, "I still find it hard to believe you thought any of this. Why did you never say anything before? Later when we were ready? On Tomed, I told you that you need only ask, and I would come to you in the pon farr. You told me the same. So many other times, one word, one look or touch would have brought me to you. You must have seen it."

"I saw pon farr was something any man can satisfy, and I will not be bonded to someone unless it was because she chose me. And I am afraid I was oblivious to any other signs you gave me. To be fair, you were oblivious to the signs I gave you. Anything I did see, I put down to you feeling obligated to our past. I told you that I will not be bonded out of duty for my rescuing you from Thieurrull or for the guidance I gave you in those first years. No more than you ever let me feel a debt for Genesis or the numerous other times you saved my life. If you were ever to come to me or I to you, it would be because we freely chose it. I say all this because I made my choice to be with you, knowing fully everything both of us may be called to do."

"Saavik, I will share you with whatever and whomever I must – whether it is your captain, your career, or our children – if, as you say, I am sharing you, not abandoned to your duty. We both know we face other days such as Narendra III, but do not leave me alone to face them. I want my loneliness to end just as much as you." His hands had risen to cup her face. "My choice did not change in Ki Baratan. It will never change."

They had sat silently holding each other for some time, staggered by one of the rare periods they had managed to speak such words to one another, and the new intimacy enhancing an already strong bond.

She had kissed his one palm. "Then I have something I must tell you."

T'Selis brought Saavik abruptly back to the present with a suddenness that wrenched her. "Thakaya!"

She obeyed the healer's whispered word and concentrated. Fortunately, no one else but the younger woman clad in the red and white robes of Mount Seleya had noticed her lapse. Her will converged on listening to the rest of the healer's instructions, using them as a focal point as she met Spock's look.

Everything went well until the instruction to keep her eyes downcast. After remembering that most important moment when she and Spock bonded themselves into a cherished partnership, the gesture sounded too submissive. She must have looked worse than she thought, because even Spock eyed her with some concern. She dryly teased him she was only doing it for ceremony's sake, and further listened to the young healer. T'Selis may never have been in this spot herself – with pon farr circling around her senses, about to marry if she could think clearly long enough – but she was well trained. She kept up her quiet talk, giving Saavik that continued focus.

"Like the position you take when you walk with your consort, this gesture is traditional. In PreReform days, the female as the child bearer held a valued status… the male walked ahead as protection… however, as she is as much a part of their House, the female did not just walk behind, but to the side so she may see any danger and guard her husband …or the children walking between them. Diverging theories exist on why you enter Koon-ut-kal-if-fee with your eyes down such as…"

The words swam in and out of her hearing; she did not need the history lesson, but it was a link to reality.

T'Lar arrived, shrouded in her divan chair, and the systra shook, signaling the beginning of the ceremony. Saavik suddenly found it difficult to have Spock walk away—

Never and always touching and touched.

--after being so closely together for every second since she struggled back from near death to find him with her. She was not, nor had ever been, a sentimental woman despite her passionate nature and deep loyalties. If she was born sentimental, Hellguard had burned it out of her at an early age as it had burned away so many other things. So she was ill prepared for the fierce tenderness and love she felt for Spock. She knew the emotions she had carried for him for so long now, but she did not know the firestorm depths they would become in the so recent past.

He walked backwards away from her so their eyes, at least, were not parted until the last possible moment. In a minute, she heard the gong sound, its deep timbres a substitute for Spock's own.

T'Lar passed by, and Saavik was even more grateful for the way T'Selis had anchored her so she may meet the awe-inspiring presence of the Vulcan Elder calmly. After all, she was marrying into a respected, noble House. She would show she was worthy of it.

It made for the perfect moment for Sarek to be suddenly revealed as T'Lar's passage no longer blocked their view of each other. She saw some indefinable, undeniable light in his regard.

"Daughter."

She did not trust herself to speak at first, and he almost left before she found her voice. "My father."

How odd and how utterly wonderful to feel those words on her tongue.

"How did I get here?"

Not her words but Amanda's, the memory suddenly rising of when the older woman talked about her wedding day to Sarek. Saavik could hear the clear, sparkling tenor of Amanda's laughter as she happily told the story.

"That's what I kept thinking. How did I ever get here? Who would have thought it? Not me. I did not look at Sarek the first day I met him and think here's the man I'll marry. And then when I finally did think it, I didn't dare hope he felt the same way, or that his family might accept me. But there I stood, in my silver gown – from Sarek's family, handed down for generations. The cloth is always preserved so it can be styled for the woman who wears it." She smiled. "I was so – well, let's say petite – the extra cloth was folded into a drape at my shoulder."

Saavik smoothed the same cloth now adapted carefully to fit her taller, willowy form. Amanda's dress…

She was more pragmatic than Spock, firmly anchored into the present with her eyes to the future. She rarely looked far into the past, so while she gave thought to the other women who wore this same gown, she only felt Amanda's presence.

"I stood there," Amanda said, "waiting for the sound of that gong as people are whispering to me all the things I had to do. I couldn't believe I was about to walk to Sarek. And even though we were in the Time of Mating, I was startled at how much he returned my feelings." Her grin grew wicked. "You know, you're a lot better at hearing this than Spock is. Just mention anything like this to him, and he practically slaps his hands over his ears so he doesn't hear it. But then, we're his parents." Her chuckle trailed off to a happy sigh. "Someday it will be your turn, Saavik. Someone's going to stop your solitary headlong dash and make you understand why people make this commitment. As Sarek did for me."

The echoes of the gong and systra tinged the memory with something more. Ancient instinct whispered to Saavik and she felt it course in her veins.

"Are you all right?" someone asked: a human woman in Starfleet uniform who looked vaguely familiar. When she nodded wryly, the woman asked another question, her expression almost fearing to hope. "Do you remember me?"

On the other side of a wall formed by a haze of seizures and coma, Saavik dimly recalled this woman with the healers who took her from her transport. And before that, this same woman was by her side the whole trip to Vulcan, sharing the battle with her as she fought to stay alive. And even further back, the same face explaining to her captain…

Garrett. Garrett was unforgettable and so was this woman from now on.

"Dr. Stewart."

Francis Stewart nodded, tears brimming but held back. Saavik closed her eyes, feeling the old, heavy burden of all commanders when their orders and duty sent people to their deaths.

"Enterprise," she said, hushed, and the other woman nodded again. She remembered the expression on Garrett's face as she talked Stewart into making the trip with Saavik instead of the battle of Narendra III. The expression that Saavik had seen on other commanders: At least I know this one will live.

Dannan Stuart. Her former captain and friend from their days first on the Aefran, then the Venture followed by the full cruiser Rider. Someone with the same spirit as this Stewart… and Garrett, and one of the few to get past Saavik's walls. Saavik felt the keen disadvantage of being a survivor like Francis Stewart, as well as the burden of having a longer life span that meant too many of those important to her lived their shorter lives and were gone.

Saavik could never find a way to repay the debt to the Enterprise officers, but she would do something for Stewart who lost too much for her. And Sarek was kind to bring the woman here.

T'Selis signaled the doctor. It was time they entered, and Saavik passed a look of gratitude to them both.

Not much longer now.

And a good thing. She was tired of waiting.

Spock!

At last, it was her turn. She started forward, remembering to drop her eyes at the last moment, and keeping them down for only the minimum amount of time.

She wanted him, and she found him.

Spock!

She silently called his other name, the words and endearments she had for him, and then he was pulled towards her not by ceremony, but by something far stronger than the gravity of any planet. She felt his mood through the bond, a sense of them as a part of something far greater. She rejoiced with him that he had found it, but she only needed this moment.

Spock…

And for her, that was all she saw or felt through the whole ceremony until the time of the cup ritual. It wasn't the insanity of pon farr, only that she had all she wanted. She gave passing note to the guests, remembering McCoy had contacted friends such as Sulu and Rrelthiz, but they along with all the words and marital rites filtered into her memory to be sorted through later. Even the thunder and lightening from Mount Seleya that caused Sarek and others to start only surrounded her and her husband as a part of their aura. She absorbed all of it, was the center of it, but registered only him.

Husband…

The outside intruded when T'Lar said to Spock, "We always had a plan for thee. Thee shall fulfill it."

Saavik felt Spock's satisfaction, but she wondered if T'Lar meant Unification or something else entirely. She had no time to think on it when T'Lar's next words were aimed at her.

"Thee shall be guardian."

Guardian…

The word drifted through her mind, its implications spreading through her concentration. She still gazed at Spock, saw his own reaction, but pieces and half-realized thoughts eddied like drifting waves around her plans, almost out of grasp.

She always knew what was expected of her as Spock's wife: the unique paradox of being both in his shadow and completely conspicuous. But this… guardian…

The male walks ahead… the female to the side so she may see any danger and guard her husband…

She was not just to be a part of his life, accepting that he had a plan for a greater good – she was to embrace that she played a part in it.

…I will not stand watch, Spock, while you sacrifice yourself again…

…Surak died violently…

One part of her mind saw her innocent days of being Armstrong's science officer were numbered. So were their simple days of being just a married couple, Ambassador and Starfleet officer, with time to raise children. When Spock moved forward to rejoin Vulcan and the Sundered, she could not count on anyone else such as Uhura to be in a position to help them. She must be in the position.

…I came to know I did not want to be the consort of a legend…

It was what T'Pring said to Spock, and she had not known how much more he was to become. The irony that she, Saavik, and Spock just spoke on this same subject – what being his consort meant. She would be sharing him with something larger than either of them imagined.

But Saavik willingly took the mantle. And was honored by the future T'Lar set before her.

Spock handed her the cup, and she sipped the water, never breaking her gaze from his, taking the symbolic water as he would, the representation of the life they now shared. Only he pressed his lips to the spot where hers had touched, and she suddenly decided the future could take care of itself. She was much too involved with the here and now as she and Spock enjoyed the powerful bond even T'Lar noted out loud.

Then their vows:

"Parted and never parted… never and always touching and touched."

How true. The day was perfect, and she felt an illogical amount of self-satisfaction, especially with herself for having stayed controlled this long.

And then that failed by simply saying to Spock, "On Romulus, I could not take my eyes off you." So much for control.

She almost pushed Spock past Sarek who only tried to speak with his son. Clearly no one remembered but her that she was the one with the lesser disciplines. Her fingers against his trembled.

But at last, they were alone, and Spock held her against him, her back to his chest. They sat, his robe spread under them, enjoying the sweet tug of expectancy. She stretched idly, but when she felt the thrill it shot through him, she turned it into a full, languid motion, drawing it out until his mouth parted with the pleasurable agony.

"We should go," he murmured, but she was just finding her power over him and reveled in it.

She turned in his arms, stroking him from temple to jaw and from fingertip down the palm, both physically and mentally, the one enhancing the other.

"Saavik," he growled, but she was only encouraged further by the roughness in his voice. She brought her body in close contact, but never touched and didn't allow him to do so either.

She was thoroughly enjoying herself.

He caught that and thought, And yet, you still have no idea how very beautiful you are to me. If you did, you would know how securely you have my heart.

She was learning. Rapidly.

But her game was played with a double-edged sword. The Fires fed on his response as it swept through their bond into her veins, and her heart pounded heat through her body as she felt not just her own sensations, but his. She almost pushed them past their limits by the time she realized what was happening. Just in time as Spock had images of staying right where they were if she didn't stop long enough for them to reach somewhere else.

Ruanek is at the estate, Sarek at the townhouse. Where else?

I know, she responded. She embraced him, giving in to what they both wanted, taking pleasure in the thought that it would be soon… soon…

Her home, the house she built decades ago, the all-important marker that she had made roots for herself. To have Spock there now not as the guest and friend he had been on all his visits before, but as the lover and husband he had become… the thought intoxicated her and she pulled him eagerly against her.

"Come with me," she whispered. After all, it was now his home too as his became hers, and she so wanted to escape there with him.

He went with her.