Scene 6: In Potions Class, Snape discusses why he finds teaching so oddly satisfying:
My Favorite Schemes (Also sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things". Think of if as a Reprise, okay?)
(Snape)
Points off of Gryffindor for any reason
Slytherin winning the house cup each season
Stoppering death, bottling fame in my dreams
There are a few of my favorite schemes
Potions that bubble and boil in my cauldron
Slytherin bullies who move in a squadron
Potter in agony, crying out screams
These are a few of my favorite schemes
Chastising students on potions that they try
With waspish comments that hurt until they cry
Silvery teardrops that flow down in streams
These are a few of my favorite schemes
I insult them
Those inane twits
Till they're feeling sad
And when I have ground all their egos to bits
I'm happy they feel so bad
**Snape bows to the enthusiastic applause from the Slytherins and contemptuous jeers of the Gryffindors.
Snape: "Right then, on to my next song!"
Hermione waves her hand in the air.
Snape: "What now, Miss Granger?"
Hermione: "But, sir, Professor Gilderoy has only gotten one song so far, and this will be your third. It isn't fair!"
Snape: "Malfoy?"
Draco: "Yes, sir?"
Snape: "Tell me, how many Severus Snape fan sites are there on the internet?"
Draco: "Uh, as of this morning, eight thousand and twelve, sir."
Snape: "Indeed. And how many Gilderoy Lockhart fan sites are there?"
Draco: "Besides the one he runs himself?"
Snape: "Yes."
Draco: (Smirking) "None, sir!"
Snape: "Any more questions, Miss Granger?"
Hermione turns red and shakes her head no.
Snape: "As I was saying-"
Se-ver-us (Sung to the tune of "Do-Re-Mi")
(Snape)
Let's start at the very beginning
You dunderheads are hopeless
When you read any fic it is ob-vi-ous
That the coolest dude is Se-ver-us
(Slytherins)
Se-ver-us
(Snape)
Se-ver-us
The rest of you are just jealous
I'm the best
(Slytherins)
He's the best
(Snape)
For I am called Se-ver-us……..
Snape: "Let's spell it out for everyone, shall we? Hmmm……"
(Snape)
S-I'm head of Slytherin
(Draco)
E-there's Envy in his heart
(Crabbe)
V-there's Venom in his grin
(Goyle)
E-he plays an Evil part
(Hermione)
R-he's really, really Rude
(Ron)
U-to every one of Us
(Harry)
S-his Surly attitude
(Everyone)
That's why he's called Se-ver-us!
Snape: Again!
(Whole Class)
S-he's head of Slytherin
E-there's envy in his heart
V-there's venom in his grin
E-he plays an Evil part
(Slytherins)
R-he's really, really Rude
(Gryffindors)
U-to every one of Us
(Snape)
S-my Surly attitude!
(All together)
That why he's called Se-ver-us!
(Snape)
When you know how words can sting
You will say most anything
Snape: Slytherins?
(Slytherins)
When you know how words can sting
You will say most anything
**Snape leads the class out of the dungeons to cavort around the Hogwarts grounds**
**They march down the grand staircase. Draco pushes Neville over the railing:**
(All)
S-he's head of Slytherin
**They skip through the space between their two tables in the Grand Hall. Ron hits Goyle in the face with a cream pie.**
(All)
E-there's Envy in his heart
**They go by the Whomping Willow and Crabbe pushes Ron into it's branches**
(All)
V-there's Venom in his grin
**As they dance by the lake, Hermione nudges Millicent Bulstrode into the water.**
(All)
E-he plays an Evil part
**In the Quidditch viewing stands, Snape bends down and zaps Hermione's robes, setting her on fire**
(Snape)
R-I'm really, really Rude
**Hermione dances around trying to put the fire out**
(Hermione)
U-To every one of Us
**Harry and Draco start bopping each other over the head with their Quidditch brooms.**
(Harry and Draco)
S-His surly attitude
(Snape)
That's why I'm called Se-ver-us
(Neville-from the infirmary, with a bandage over his head)
S!
(Goyle-still wiping the pie from his face)
E!
(Ron-still trapped in the branches of the Whomping Willow)
V!
(Millicent, popping her head, still covered with seaweed, out of the lake)
E!
(Draco, just before being knocked down by Harry)
R!
(Hermione, while Hagrid throws a bucket of water on her to put out the flames)
U!
(Harry, taking Draco's broom and breaking it in two over his knee)
S!
(Everyone)
SE-VER-US!!
