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August
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Entry Seven
Weight: 4 ½ st. Acceptable
Letters Received: One
Strange New Facts About Self: One
Was my birthday today: Am eleven! Feeling v. mature. Also, am v. happy for first time in life as have just learned from large hairy man that am a Wizard and am famous in wizarding world! Am "The Boy Who Lived!" Though I fear that my nickname could have been more substantial. Am apparently deeply famous for not dying. Fear wizard community might actually be a bit simple minded or deranged.
Large hairy man, named Hagrid (his parents hated him) seems v. nice. He handed me a small wrapped package containing my mother's green eyes.
"There," Hagrid said, " Now, yeh have yer mother's eyes, though you look like yer father." Suspect he may be gay as he bakes cakes and shows an unusual amount of attachment to a small pink umbrella. Learned shocking news of parents' real death: they were blown up. Kablooie! Parents did not die in mediocre, daytime television hoohum tragedy of car crash but were destroyed by ultimate eeevil wizard, He Who Shall Not Be Named. Much cooler. Feel that cooler death somehow elevates own status. Am no longer merely fashion victim but now celebrity wizard fashion victim with heroic parents.
Have also been basking in the joy of seeing F.S.S horribly disfigured. Hagrid used magic to give him a pig's tail. Was poetry in motion. Laughed much. Yes, am definitely psychotic, and perhaps a little masochistic. Shrug.
Hagrid has taken me away from the Dursleys on a flying motorcycle. Asked if I wanted to join the mile high club. Not sure what that is, but the initiation ceremony sounded painful.
Hope I never have to see Dursleys again, would have to kill myself. But as it is illegal to kill oneself perhaps will not. Do not understand the illigalness of suicide. If it is illegal to kill oneself why is it only people who do not succeed that go to jail and those corpses that succeed are allowed to freely roam the cemetery like normal members of dead society? V. perplexing.
Entry Eight
Weight: 5st. Have discovered horrible weakness for candy, which is apparently a well-known food to all who were not victims of Dursley parenting.
Alcohol units: Technically none, but Hagrid drinks enough for five so surely some of the liquor vapours are affecting me.
Was informed that Hogwarts is not in fact a village for victims of fashion to be stood away and safely hidden from tourists, but is a school for witchcraft and wizardry, though it too is safely hidden from tourists.
Have confirmed my suspicions about Hagrid's sexuality. He is v. eager to take me shopping. Also, he enjoys showing me off. Am perhaps now a strange boy toy? Hope he does not suggest we get our nails done and our hair curled (hair is unmanageable enough.) Wants to take me to Diagon Alley, which is wizard equivalent of London Fashion Week and a Marks and Spencers rolled into one.
Read over Hogwarts letter again as well as book list and supply list. Need caldrons, and magic books. Hmmm.hope have not fallen in with strange occult crowd. Or equally horrifying, some sort of clown college type deal. Too humiliating.
Entry Nine
Weight: Same
Alcohol Units: 1. Stole a sip of Hagrid's beer while he was drunkenly passed out and drooling in the peanut dish.
Autographs signed: Hundreds
Hands of Wizards and Witches shaken: Hundreds, including the nervous Dark Arts teacher.
Amount of Babies Kissed: Three (though one had two heads, so many four).
A little too royal family for my taste.
Gorgeous Evil Blondes Met: One
Have had startling revelation and am no longer convinced that Hogwarts is not a place for the fashionly challenged, as all wizards and witches seem to suffer from this social disease. Actually, by wizarding standards my baggy clothes makes me fashion god. Wizards appear to wear dresses, though they insist on calling them robes. Whole wizarding world is in denial about their sexuality. Actually, whole wizarding world is also in denial about being drag queens. Unsure about the witches. Have concluded that will have to become gay though if want to live up to hero status. It must be a wizard requirement anyway. At least, this is what Hagrid tells me.
Off to a good start though as when being fitted for my school dress, met most gorgeous boy named Draco Malfoy (his parents hate him too) He is pale, grey eyed, and blond! Could be man of my dreams, despite obvious evil tendencies. Sexual tension in the room nearly choked me as tried not to stare. In embarrassment, fear I came off like cold, unavailable ice king. Buggar. But then playing hard-to-get seemed to intrigue him. Hmmmmm.perhaps am on to something. Malfoy appeared to be propositioning me and teasing me about joining the right house at school. Even mentioned something about not wanting to be a "huffy poof", but rather a good "slither in". A little pervy really. Was blatant flirt, but mustn't read too much into it. Must erase from mind all images of marriage.besides, have no white dress, and no best man. No ring either.
Also got pet, a snowy owl that delivers the mail, but hope to train it to do other things. Pet store owner made a joke about flying owls and the Mile High Club. Do all wizards know of this secret society except me?
Later got a wand from Ollivanders. V. creepy man insisted I should have the wand with a phoenix feather, and the twin of He Who Shall Not Be Named's (wizards' affinity for naming strikes again) wand. Am apparently going to do great things.though cannot even get wand trick to work that Hagrid showed me using his umbrella.
Entry Ten:
Height: 2ft?
Weight: 6 st. Gaah.
Alcohol units: 23, have discovered bar tender at the Leaky Cauldron would give me all the alcohol I wanted. Something about hoping to score me when I was tipsy enough. When you are famous, everyone wants a piece of you.
Number attempts at Wand Trick: 33
Number of Successes: None.
Need to work out careful timetable as to utilise the best of my.well.time? Is that right? Must ensure that everything goes smoothly September 1st and I get to train station on time.
9am Pack luggage
9.30am Breakfast
9.45am Leave House
10.45 am Arrive at train station
10.50 find platform Nine and ¾ with time to spare.
11am Train Departs
Hagrid gave me my ticket for King's Cross station. Must get back to the Durselys now and wait until September 1st.
Hate my life.
Entry Seven
Weight: 4 ½ st. Acceptable
Letters Received: One
Strange New Facts About Self: One
Was my birthday today: Am eleven! Feeling v. mature. Also, am v. happy for first time in life as have just learned from large hairy man that am a Wizard and am famous in wizarding world! Am "The Boy Who Lived!" Though I fear that my nickname could have been more substantial. Am apparently deeply famous for not dying. Fear wizard community might actually be a bit simple minded or deranged.
Large hairy man, named Hagrid (his parents hated him) seems v. nice. He handed me a small wrapped package containing my mother's green eyes.
"There," Hagrid said, " Now, yeh have yer mother's eyes, though you look like yer father." Suspect he may be gay as he bakes cakes and shows an unusual amount of attachment to a small pink umbrella. Learned shocking news of parents' real death: they were blown up. Kablooie! Parents did not die in mediocre, daytime television hoohum tragedy of car crash but were destroyed by ultimate eeevil wizard, He Who Shall Not Be Named. Much cooler. Feel that cooler death somehow elevates own status. Am no longer merely fashion victim but now celebrity wizard fashion victim with heroic parents.
Have also been basking in the joy of seeing F.S.S horribly disfigured. Hagrid used magic to give him a pig's tail. Was poetry in motion. Laughed much. Yes, am definitely psychotic, and perhaps a little masochistic. Shrug.
Hagrid has taken me away from the Dursleys on a flying motorcycle. Asked if I wanted to join the mile high club. Not sure what that is, but the initiation ceremony sounded painful.
Hope I never have to see Dursleys again, would have to kill myself. But as it is illegal to kill oneself perhaps will not. Do not understand the illigalness of suicide. If it is illegal to kill oneself why is it only people who do not succeed that go to jail and those corpses that succeed are allowed to freely roam the cemetery like normal members of dead society? V. perplexing.
Entry Eight
Weight: 5st. Have discovered horrible weakness for candy, which is apparently a well-known food to all who were not victims of Dursley parenting.
Alcohol units: Technically none, but Hagrid drinks enough for five so surely some of the liquor vapours are affecting me.
Was informed that Hogwarts is not in fact a village for victims of fashion to be stood away and safely hidden from tourists, but is a school for witchcraft and wizardry, though it too is safely hidden from tourists.
Have confirmed my suspicions about Hagrid's sexuality. He is v. eager to take me shopping. Also, he enjoys showing me off. Am perhaps now a strange boy toy? Hope he does not suggest we get our nails done and our hair curled (hair is unmanageable enough.) Wants to take me to Diagon Alley, which is wizard equivalent of London Fashion Week and a Marks and Spencers rolled into one.
Read over Hogwarts letter again as well as book list and supply list. Need caldrons, and magic books. Hmmm.hope have not fallen in with strange occult crowd. Or equally horrifying, some sort of clown college type deal. Too humiliating.
Entry Nine
Weight: Same
Alcohol Units: 1. Stole a sip of Hagrid's beer while he was drunkenly passed out and drooling in the peanut dish.
Autographs signed: Hundreds
Hands of Wizards and Witches shaken: Hundreds, including the nervous Dark Arts teacher.
Amount of Babies Kissed: Three (though one had two heads, so many four).
A little too royal family for my taste.
Gorgeous Evil Blondes Met: One
Have had startling revelation and am no longer convinced that Hogwarts is not a place for the fashionly challenged, as all wizards and witches seem to suffer from this social disease. Actually, by wizarding standards my baggy clothes makes me fashion god. Wizards appear to wear dresses, though they insist on calling them robes. Whole wizarding world is in denial about their sexuality. Actually, whole wizarding world is also in denial about being drag queens. Unsure about the witches. Have concluded that will have to become gay though if want to live up to hero status. It must be a wizard requirement anyway. At least, this is what Hagrid tells me.
Off to a good start though as when being fitted for my school dress, met most gorgeous boy named Draco Malfoy (his parents hate him too) He is pale, grey eyed, and blond! Could be man of my dreams, despite obvious evil tendencies. Sexual tension in the room nearly choked me as tried not to stare. In embarrassment, fear I came off like cold, unavailable ice king. Buggar. But then playing hard-to-get seemed to intrigue him. Hmmmmm.perhaps am on to something. Malfoy appeared to be propositioning me and teasing me about joining the right house at school. Even mentioned something about not wanting to be a "huffy poof", but rather a good "slither in". A little pervy really. Was blatant flirt, but mustn't read too much into it. Must erase from mind all images of marriage.besides, have no white dress, and no best man. No ring either.
Also got pet, a snowy owl that delivers the mail, but hope to train it to do other things. Pet store owner made a joke about flying owls and the Mile High Club. Do all wizards know of this secret society except me?
Later got a wand from Ollivanders. V. creepy man insisted I should have the wand with a phoenix feather, and the twin of He Who Shall Not Be Named's (wizards' affinity for naming strikes again) wand. Am apparently going to do great things.though cannot even get wand trick to work that Hagrid showed me using his umbrella.
Entry Ten:
Height: 2ft?
Weight: 6 st. Gaah.
Alcohol units: 23, have discovered bar tender at the Leaky Cauldron would give me all the alcohol I wanted. Something about hoping to score me when I was tipsy enough. When you are famous, everyone wants a piece of you.
Number attempts at Wand Trick: 33
Number of Successes: None.
Need to work out careful timetable as to utilise the best of my.well.time? Is that right? Must ensure that everything goes smoothly September 1st and I get to train station on time.
9am Pack luggage
9.30am Breakfast
9.45am Leave House
10.45 am Arrive at train station
10.50 find platform Nine and ¾ with time to spare.
11am Train Departs
Hagrid gave me my ticket for King's Cross station. Must get back to the Durselys now and wait until September 1st.
Hate my life.
