SPOOF TREK: The Next Complication
Chapter 2.
Captain Picard was fast asleep on his readyroom couch, resting from all the action that took place with the Romulans that day. His door chimed. His door chimed. His door chimed. His door chimed.
"Captain?!" came Geordi's concerned voice.
The door swished open and Geordi stepped in, "Are you all right?"
'Aaw', he thought seeing the sleeping Captain, 'doesn't he look cute?'
Picard opened his eyes to see a pair of oddly matched boots - both on the wrong feet. 'Geordi' he thought. 'No one else could make such an ass of dressing on a morning. He must have popped his eyes back in the wrong sockets again!'
"What's..'yawn'.. the.. 'yawn'.. problem..yaawwn?" yawned the Captain.
"Captain, I can't seem to find out what's holding us up. The ship won't start, we've lost the keys and no one knows how to hot-wire this baby. I've tried everything 'till I'm red in the face!"
'Red?' Picard thought. He looked up and sure enough Geordi's face was as red as a Baboon's arse.
"What are your suggestions Mr. Fa Lorge?"
"La Forge, sir."
"Would that work?"
"No – it's my name."
"Ah, yes. La Forge. Suggestions?"
"I could run a full ship diagnostic."
"Make it so Mr. Ma…Fa…La…. …Do I know you?"
"Captain, I have another suggestion."
"A what?"
"I suggest you go see Deanna Troi for some counselling."
"Wha..? er..yes. Yes of course; see Toy Droi for sunbathing. Thankyou Fa Lorge."
"It's LA FORGE, Captain!"
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Deanna Troi's door chimed. She prepared herself for her 'caring counsellor' routine.
"Come." she said, remembering the ice-cream.
"Hello, Counsellor Troi."
"Ah, hello Violet. How are you?"
"My life is falling apart – I feel like I'm loosing my mind."
"You might want to go see a shrink."
Violet Burgundy-Grey was a colourful lady with rosy green cheeks.
Lately she had been having some minor domestic problems and Deanna was the sponge that had to soak up her constant moaning. Counselling sucked.
"O.k. Violet, what's the problem?"
"Well," she began " It all kicked off last night when my husband came home from engineering. He wouldn't talk to me or our daughter."
"How are Red and Amber?"
"RED? HA! Oh he's just fine. The creep! And Amber? She's been upset because her father keeps shouting at her."
"What do you feel is the matter with Red?"
"I think that he has another woman."
"Have you discussed this with him yet?"
"Of course not, he'd beat me up."
"Has he already been violent, Violet?"
"No. I don't think so…Well, there was something that might seem a little unstable."
"Go on." Troi urged.
"Well, before we went to bed last night, he microwaved the cat into ash, dissolved it in a saucer of hot milk and lapped it up like an animal."
"No. Are you sure there isn't anything really strange?"
"There WAS some ash left."
"And?"
"He smoked it."
"That won't do. Anything else?"
"He ripped the postman's head off this morning."
"Anything else?"
Violet thought long and hard for some time. "He did pinch an ice-cream from a little Betazoid girl last week."
"THAT'S IT! That does it! The course is clear."
"What's your advice, Counsellor?"
"Kill him."
"Kill him?"
"Yes, kill him."
"But what would little Amber think, she's only six years old?"
"Kill her, too."
"What?!"
"You heard. Blow her silly little head off."
"B-but I can't. I love her." She said, close to tears.
"So?"
"So – the federation will fire me."
"So, kill them as well. Kill them all."
Deanna's communicator pinged. "Hello." She said.
"Counsellor, you are needed on the bridge."
"Thankyou, Worf." She answered and turned to find Violet had gone. 'Well' she thought 'that went very well.'
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On the bridge:
"Captain!"
"Yes, Lieutenant Worf?"
"There is a Klingon vessel approaching at warp six…"
Data interrupted "If they continue at their current course and speed, judging from their probable estimated volume to the squared approximate mass of their area to the power of their length and width, it is my calculation that they will arrive at our location at fourteen hundred and thirty hours. Taking them exactly one hour and forty minutes to arrive."
"Indeed." Said the Captain in a shrill tone. "Mr. Worf, is it the Klingon ambassador who is due to be our guest?"
"I am sure of it, Captain. The ambassador travels in the latest vessel since the Bird Of Prey, and sure enough the vessel approaching is a Klingon Curds and Way."
"Very well, Mr. Worf. Everyone onboard will prepare for the arrival of
Ambassador Ping-Pong Klingon." The Captain announced.
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Geordi La Forge hoovered decks 1 through to 9 then did all the other levels because he was the only crewmember to have passed his course in Galaxy-class hoovering-up.
O'Brien beamed himself around the ship trying to scare people.
Wesley helped his mother bake gingerbread Klingons.
Riker scrubbed the Graffiti off the toilet walls.
Worf nearly died when some idiot with curly hair beamed infront of him, yelled 'BOO' and disappeared.
Ensign Flannelhands washed the dishes ready for the ambassadors 'do come in' meal.
Picard watched, and Deanna read his mind.
And little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating Klingon Curds And Way,
when along beamed O'Brien
and set her off cryin'
and frightened Miss Muffet away.
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The Captain's door barked, which confused him. "Er…hello?"
The door swished open and Worf barked.
"Mr Worf, you really should use the doorbell."
"Woof!!"
"Look, Were-Worf, is there anything in particular you came to bark about?"
"Tee-hee-hee Captain, ofcourse I'm here for a reason. You know when the ambassador arrives…?"
"Yes, Lt.?"
"……Would you permit me to request the ambassador to perform the Tach-Mach Kappatach ceremony with me?"
"But, Worf. What if the ambassador isn't gay?"
"Then he'll get the shock of his friggin' life!"
Picard's door chimed. Worf left while practising pulling his pants down and bending over. Geordi entered looking quite embarrassed.
"Yes, La Forge?" said the Captain.
"I…..um…..found out ….er…why we couldn't…..um…get the engine started….Captain."
Picard raised a brow, "Why?"
"Well I sort of….er….well…you remember that adjustable spanner that I kind of ….misplaced?"
Picard raised his other brow, "Yes."
"Hee hee…..um…well…it was kind of lodged in the engine core. Sir."
"So we can be off to meet the ambassador's ship half-way, then?"
"Aah." aahd La Forge.
Picard raised yet another eye brow, "What's wrong now, then?"
"Well, we still haven't found the keys."
"Bugger!"
