SPOOF TREK: The Next Complication
Chapter 5.
Doctor Beverley Crusher entered the captain's steadyroom and planted her buttocks firmly on the chair.
The Captain opened his mouth.
And closed it again.
The Captain opened his mouth.
And closed it again.
The Captain opened his mouth.
And closed it again.
"Captain?"
"Yes Doctor?" Picard said, opening his mouth…and closing it again.
"What are you doing?" Beverley asked.
"I don't know, Doctor, but it's lots of fun. Care to join in?"
"Not yet, Captain. I'm here about Worf."
"Oh!…Yes, well, how is Lt. Wwwwworf?"
"He's alive." She said.
"Bugger." He replied.
"It's ok. He's confined to sickbay."
"Anyway, what's the problem?"
"Actually, Captain, it's more of a solution than a problem." She stated.
The Captain opened his mouth.
And closed it again.
"As I was saying, Captain, when we were examining Worf's head we found something in his foot. I think it is what caused the blackout."
"Make it so."
"Pardon?"
"Never mind, carry on."
"We," she continued, "found these…"
She raised her hand. In it was a set of KEYS.
The Captain opened his mouth.
And closed it again.
"Who shall I give the keys to, Captain?"
"Make it so."
"Pardon?"
"Never mind, carry on."
Beverley got up to leave, but Picard opened his mouth. And closed it again.
"Don't forget our date, Doctor."
"What date?" she asked.
"The one where you get to join in." Picard said, opening his mouth. And closing it again.
Beverley left with the KEYS!
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The Enterprise' engine started up.
Wesley put her in reverse and fired her up.
The gigantic Enterprise reversed back at warp D+.
Data piddled on his console (with his fingers!), "Commander." He said.
"Yes, Mr Data?" Riker said.
"Now that we are moving at warp 9.9 reoccurring, judging from our probable estimated volume to the…"
Riker stepped in, "Yesss, Mr Data, thankyou."
A few light-parsecs later:
"Commander!" said Data.
"Yes, Data?" said Riker.
"We are 24 supercentimetres from starbase infinity, Commander!"
"Goody." Riker said. He turned to the tactical station and addressed the person who had taken Worf's place; "Person who's taken Worf's place!"
"Ja, mein Kommanda?" she said.
"Please ask starbase infinity for permission to rendez-vous with the Klingon Curds And Way in one hour." He commanded.
"You vant me to ask zem in an hour, or you vant me to ask zem if ze Klingonz kan meet uz in an hour?"
"Yes." Riker said, confused. He turned round; "Ensign Crusher! … Ensign Crusher? … Where's Ensign Crusher?!"
"I'm over here, Commander." Crusher said from his pilot's seat.
Riker spun, "Oh, yes, there you are. Ensign! When we get clearance, bring us into starbase infinity steadily and slowly."
"Eye, Commander."
"What about your eye, Ensign?"
Oh, sorry Commander, I spelt it wrong," Crusher continued, "I, Commander."
"What about you, Ensign?" he said.
"Sorry, Commander. I'll look it up in the dictionary later, Sir."
"Quite alright, I know what you meant."
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The Enterprise slowly drove into the small doorway of starbase infinity and cruised around the lanes looking for a parking space.
"Commander Data." Said Riker.
"Yes, Commander?" he replied.
"Use long-range sensors and scan for a parking space."
"Aye, Sir." Said Data.
Data piddled on the keyboard infront of him (with his FINGERS!) for a while.
"Commander," he said, "I have found one."
"Goody. Where, where, where?"
"372 mark 3, Commander."
"Ensign Crusher, take us to 372 mark 3!"
"I…eye…Aye, Commander Riker."
The Enterprise dodged pillars as it flew around the parking lot towards parking space 100025 billion.
"What?!" cried Wesley, "I can't fit in there!"
Riker looked, "You're right, Ensign. The space is rather narrow. I'll have to guide you in myself!"
"Do you know how?" asked Wesley.
"I can try. I've seen it done before. The Counsellor guides me in all the time."
Riker got out of the Enterprise and stood by the space, "Ok, Wesley, back slow and a little to the left!"
Young Crusher manoeuvred the ship into the space, "How am I doing?"
"Ow!" was the reply.
"Commander? Say again."
"EEeeergh!"
"Is that French?" Wesley tried again, "Commander, hello?"
"AUUugh!"
"I have analysed the voice," said Data, "and it IS Commander Riker."
Wesley tapped his com-badge, "Commander, je ne comprend pas!"
Data said, "Wesley, I do not think French will help you here."
"Why not?"
"My readings indicate that Commander Riker cannot speak… because his rib-cage is crushing his lungs."
"WHY? What's happened? Are we under attack? Is someone trying to kill him? What, what, what?"
"If you would come over here and read my console, you would see."
The boy went over to Data and peeked, "Oh." Said Wes.
"Yes." Said Data, "You squashed him."
Shortly afterwards in sickbay:
"Now then," Beverly began, "How do you feel, Will?"
Riker sat up, but he couldn't, so he didn't, which means he stayed laying down all along.
"I feel like I've just been run over by a Galaxy-class starship." He said.
Beverley opened her mouth.
And closed it again.
"Doctor? What are you doing?"
"I'm practising, Will. I have a date with Captain Picard."
"Nice."
Beverley opened her mouth.
And…………………………
……………………………..
……………………………..
"Beverley? Are you alright?"
"Gno! Cang't gnemember gnat to goo gnext."
"I think it was something like…close your mouth."
"Ah! Gthat's it!"…………………
………And closed it again. "Oh, it's no good! How can we have an exciting date if I keep forgetting my moves?"
Beverley began crying.
"Now, now." Said Riker, trying to move. He managed to role over, but he slipped and fell off the bed.
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Lt. Worf shoved the person who was taking his place and returned to his testicle post at the rear of the fridge.
Worf checked his readings and tapped his badge, "Worf to Captain Picard."
Picard tapped his own badge, "Picard here."
Worf continued, "You are needed on the fridge, Captain."
Picard swung his command chair around and looked at Worf, "What is it, Klingtwat?"
The Klingon tapped his comm, "Captain, if you would please come to the bridge, I have some information for you."
Picard got up from his chair and went to stand behind Worf, "Just tell me what it is, Klingthong!"
Worf hit his badge again and spoke into it, "Captain, I have a message from the Curds And Way. If you come to the bridge, I will give it to you."
Picard looked over Worf's shoulder and read the message.
It read:
Dear Jean-Luc Picard on the Enterprise.
I am writing to inform you that we are ready to beam aboard your ship.
See you soon,
Love,
Ambassador Ping-Pong Klingon (In the Curds and Way).
Worf was looking at the turbo lift doors, awaiting Picard's arrival.
But, to his amazement, Picard walked up to the turbo lift, went in and said, "Transporter room 3."
The door closed and Worf took an aspirin.
----
Riker, Beverley, Geordi and Troi were playing pokes around a table.
"Picard to Riker."
"Riker here."
"Will, the ambassador is ready to beam. I would like you to be present as you are my bestest friend and you're the brilliantest person to ever serve under me. Infact, you are more like a son to me."
"Why, thankyou Captain. I'll be right there." Riker was about to leave when he heard a ping.
"Picard to La Forge."
"La Forge here."
"Geordi, the ambassador is ready to beam. I would like you to be present as you are my bestest friend and you're the brilliantest person to ever serve under me. Infact, you are more like a son to me."
Geordi looked at Riker. "Why, thankyou intensely, captain. I'm on my way."
No sooner had he stood and prepared to leave when-
"Picard to Troi."
"Troi here." She looked at the 2 men.
"Deanna, my dear, the ambassador is ready to beam. I would like you to be present as you are my best.."
She cut him off, "What a nerve!" she said.
As she stood up they heard a Nokia ring-tone.
"Picard to Dr Crusher."
Beverley removed her badge and dropped it into a fish tank.
The 4 senior officers left for the transporter room.
---
There were 2 fish in a tank.
One said to the other, "How do we drive this thing?"
---
On their way to transporter room 3, Chief O'Brien called; "Dr Crusher you are needed in transporter room 3."
"We know." She said.
"No, you don't understand." Said O'Brien; "It's the Captain… he's lying on the floor… drowning."
"Oops!" said Beverley as she ran back to the fish tank.
[ That's the lot. ]
