Takes place: After "Lockdown"

Season: 8

Disclaimer: I do not own an of the "ER" characters, they belong to Warner Bros, and Michael Crichton and other affiliates.

Chapter: 4





Abby nodded, maybe now that Carter was here with her, things would really be okay.

"Okay" she took a deep breath and bit her lip.

"I'v have been.drinking again, kind of.." her voice trailed off, she was too scared of what his reaction would be to keep her voice from wavering.

"Oh Abby" John looked disappointed, quite disappointed. "What do you mean kind of?"

"Well the other night," Abby answered, "I was just feeling really down, we lost a little girl, remember Kayla? That cute little blond girl who was born HIV positive?"

John nodded remembering exactly who she was talking about. He also remembered that Abby had been with her for 3 shifts in a row, she was her patient. but she had just been too sick and too weak to make it. He remembered Abby being a bit more attached to this one too.

"Well aside from losing her." Abby rubbed her now puffy red eyes and tried to keep her eyes from welling up again. "I have been just so confused lately"

"Confused?" John asked trying to follow.

"About.." Abby paused, "Us."

"Us?" John hinted a smile but tried not let her see he was too happy, she had used the word "us".

Abby refused to look him straight in the eyes.

"Us." She repeated again, "and these feelings I'v been having for you."

She continued.

"But you know? I was so confused.you are, were....are my best friend. I was so scared of losing you."

She broke down again.

"If it wasn't for you John, who knows where I'd be, you meant and still mean everything to me, and I was making these feelings forbidden to me, because I was and am too scared of losing you. I'd probably be living on the streets right now if it wasn't for you, and I mean that every word. Everything was just too confusing, too much for me to take all at once, you know I'm not that strong, you know that." "So the other night I took out a bottle of wine I found that had half left..."

She seemed to weaken right then, right before his eyes. His heart was out to her now, she looked so small and tired again.

"I took it out and stared at it for.oh it must have been 10 minutes. I stood there just looking at it and thinking about everything..everything."

Abby paused and remembered how good the cool glass of the bottle felt on her hands...but how bad at the same time..

"Then I slowly opened the bottle and I took two drinks from the bottle, just two, and then I poured the rest down the drain." "I couldn't do it John, I just couldn't do it"

She dropped forward and put her head in her hands, resting her sweating hands on her forehead.

He rested his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it gently, he couldn't even speak. He'd never heard Abby talk to anyone like this, or let this much go out of the things that were bottled up inside her. He didn't speak and just focused on his hand rubbing her shoulder, trying to comfort her in some way at all...



***Carby coming very soon if people want me to continue, sorry kind of boring chapter but I had to get through this angsty Abby stuff . Thanks for reading!!***