A/N: Okay, this is going to be another break from the Fairytale/LotR crosses. It will be long (for a change) and it has no LotR, but it is very funny all the same, I promise you will enjoy it. This will be another combination chapter that could also be entitled: "What Not To Do When: A Wolf Comes To Your Door, A Wolf Pretends To Be Your Grandmother, You Are Made of Wood And Your Nose Grows Whenever You Lie." However, that's a bit long, so I changed it. But before we get to the real chapter title (and after that, the story), let's roll the credits...
The following stories were suggested by the following people (if your name appears here, it means your vote helped these stories win! It means nothing else. Sorry, no prize. Thank you for playing.):
Three Little Pigs - t, stupid kitten, Lady Talagand
Little Red Riding Hood - Lynne, Lady MR, Auerlia Lothlorien
Pinocchio - Lady MR
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in session.
The End. (We told you it was already in session.)
Fairytale Invasions!
Chapter 12: 'Innocence' Is Easily Confused With 'Stupidity'
At the "So You Want To Be In A Fairytale" School a special assembly was being held on safety in fairytales. The auditorium was packed full of fairies, dwarves, unicorns, and other various fairytale creatures, all awaiting the seminar to begin.
A short blonde girl in jeans and t-shirt came out onto stage wearing a fake grin. "Good Morning everyone! Now you all know that fairytale creatures (the good ones anyway) are supposed to be innocent. However, we often forget that "innocence" can easily be confused with "stupidity." Today we're going to show you a few examples were "innocence" got the people in the examples into a lot of trouble. Basically, we are going to sit and laugh at people making stupid mistakes because of course we know we would never do the same thing." The girl shot a sarcastic glance at the numerous bandaged, bruised, and broken limbs in the room. "Ahem, as I was saying, I hope you will all be very respectful of today's speaker, Mrs. Ima Pig. Oh, and remember, the examples are just re-enactments, so there's no need for alarm."
The girl stepped off the stage, being careful not to bump into the speaker on the way. Mrs. Ima Pig was a pig. (If you had already guessed that, congratulations, but you still don't win anything.) She was wearing a pearl necklace (given to her by someone who had never heard the proverb about throwing pearls to swine), and a blue business suit. Mrs. Pig worked for the Disasters Happen Insurance Company, and had given many seminars in her day. Setting her papers on the podium, she cleared her throat and looked at the assembly from over thin wire-framed glasses.
"Disasters," she squeaked, then paused and cleared her throat again. "Disasters happen. If they didn't, I'd be out of a job." Silence (well, not complete silence, there were a few crickets) greeted her joke. "Ahem, yes, disasters happen, but there is something you can do to prevent them - buy insurance! Lots of insurance! Lots and lots and lo-"
"Um, excuse me, Mrs. Pig?" the girl interrupted. "You're not here to sell insurance, remember?"
Mrs. Pig stared at her in shock. "I'm not?" The girl shook her head. "Then what on earth am I doing here?!"
"You're here to give the seminar on safety..." the girl prompted.
"Safety?" Ima Pig frowned. "I don't believe in safety. I believe in money! Lots and lots of money! And this is wasting my time which is wasting my money. I must go sell insurance!!" Mrs. Pig grabbed her things and trotted quickly out of the room.
"What a pig," the girl grumbled under her breath. "Go get a mud pack. Ahem, students, it seems there will be no seminar today-" Loud moans and complaints erupted from the student body, but the girl silenced them with a glare. "I wasn't finished. Now, there will be no seminar today from Mrs. Pig, so I guess I shall have to give it." The students glanced at each other nervously. "Hey! That wasn't my fault!" the girl frowned, crossing her arms. "How was I supposed to know the gun was loaded? Besides, Buck's doing just fine, aren't ya Buck?" Everyone turned to look at a young deer with a bandage around his head. Seeing everyone staring at him, he leapt up and bolted out the door.
"Uh, yea, um anyway..." the girl cleared her throat. "For those of you who don't know me, I am Ms. Nelly Spruce, head of the 'How to Use Your Magic Without Killing Yourself' department. Without further ado, I will let the actors come out and give you our first example."
Nelly went off-stage, and the actors came out and did a re-enactment of the story of the Three Little Pigs. When they were done, Nelly came back out.
"Thanks boys, don't forget to tell Red she's up next, that girl would loose her head if she didn't wear that hood over it," she whispered to the actors. Rummaging through some papers, she stepped up to the podium. "Okay, now, as we can see the little pigs innocence obviously led to their deaths-" Someone from the audience interrupted her.
"I beg your pardon miss, but it was not the pigs fault," a unicorn said. "They could not keep the wolf from coming in."
"Hold your tongue, I'm getting to your kind," Nelly growled. "And couldn't the pigs have kept him from coming in? A house of straw? Give me a break. That was just sheer stupidity. The house of sticks was better, but if he had been smart he would have used some nails too! Also, why did they answer the wolf in the first place? If they had kept their fool mouths shut, perhaps the wolf would have thought they weren't home and moved on." Nelly watched as recognition dawned in the eyes of the assembly. I am not getting paid enough, she thought with a sigh. "Okay, let's go to the next example."
The actors came back out, this time portraying the tale of Little Red Riding Hood. Everything went well (except for Wolf messing up his lines a few times) and Nelly again took the stage.
"Alright, as we could see from this one, never take roads just because they are marked 'shortcut.' Make sure you know the road. Also, know your grandmother well! This way, if a wolf is pretending to be her, you won't have to sit there saying, 'gee, something's different Granny,' until the wolf eats you, okay?" There were quiet nods from the audience. "But of course the most important thing this taught us is..."
"Don't trust wolves?" a pig suggested.
"Always have a woodcutter with you?" a lumberjack shouted.
Nelly slapped her forehead. "No! And no! Did pre-school teach you nothing?!" There was silence (again, not complete silence, the crickets are still there).
"Don't talk to strangers?" a voice peeped.
Nelly's head snapped up. "Who said that?" she asked, glancing around the room.
A baby bird shyly raised it's wing. Grinning, Nelly leapt from the stage and went to the bird, heartily shaking it's wing. "That's right! Bob, tell her what she's won!"
"Well Nelly, this little bird has just won tickets to Neverland to meet the ever-young Peter Pan! You can battle Hook, explore the island, and hang out with Peter Pan and his Merry Men! ...Oops, wrong story. Peter Pan and the lost boys! This is an all-expense-paid 3-day event! Congratulations!" Bob the announcer looked up at the screen. "Yes, the bird can win a prize but you can't! Isn't that wonderful? And now a word from our sponsor."
Nelly pulled out a hand-held recorder and spoke into it on her way back to the stage. "Memo to self: Get new announcer. One that isn't so cheerful." Nelly tucked away the recorder and turned to the audience. "Okay, everyone, remember that very important rule: Never talk to strangers! Or clowns... they my try to give you a coloring book." The students exchanged confused looks. "Ahem, next example!"
The actors came back out and performed Pinocchio. After his fifteenth lie, Pinocchio was tending to tip over, and the other actors had to help him stay upright. But in the end his nose was back to normal and they exited the stage. The students looked around and waited patiently, but Nelly didn't come back to the stage. Suddenly snoring could be heard. Someone in the front row gently tapped Nelly, who sat up quickly.
"Huh-wha? Oh, we're back? Okay." Nelly mounted the steps to the stage slowly, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn. "Ahem, okay, now, what rule did this story illustrate that one of our other stories taught us as well?" The students frowned and mumbled among themselves. "It was demonstrated in the last story..." Nelly prompted. Still no one knew. "The little bird said..." Still no answer. Nelly began to bang her head on the podium. "Don't," bang, "talk," bang, "to strangers!" bang! A chorus of enlightened 'Oooohhhh's' erupted from the crowd. Nelly stood up straight, a red mark on her forehead.
"Okay, what else did this story teach us?" Nelly asked dryly. "And you Griffons better know this, it's going to be on your final exam. 'People can't do -this- around a Griffon.'"
The Griffons bit their lips, whispering to each other for the answer. "And I thought Griffons were supposed to be wise," Nelly mumbled, gulping down two Aspirin. "Lie! People can't lie around Griffons and it's not good to lie! Never lie! Unless you're evil, in which case you're supposed to lie, but good creatures never lie!
"And now for our conclusion," Nelly grinned. "Unicorns, this is for you specifically, the rest of you are free to leave." Nelly waited for the noise from the mad rush for the doors to subside. Once it had, the only creatures left were a small group of Unicorns looking very nervous. "Alright boys, consider this practice for your final. Now, you only let a certain group of people see you: what is that group?"
"Gypsies?" one Unicorn said nervously.
"Nooo..." Nelly sighed.
"Trees?" another suggested.
Nelly glared at him. "Are trees people?" she growled.
"The Dryads say they are," the Unicorn said weakly.
Nelly rubbed her forehead. "I'm surrounded by idiots."
"Um, wait, girls, right?" one of the brighter ones said.
"Yes, but what kind of girls?" Nelly coaxed.
"Pretty ones," a bratty Unicorn snickered. Nelly's copy of War and Peace promptly struck him in the head.
"Anyone else want to be a smart-alec?" Nelly growled. The Unicorns quickly shook their heads. "Good. Now, you only let virgins see you, remember?" The Unicorns nodded sheepishly. "Good, now the way you all end up getting killed is by letting a virgin lead you into an ambush."
One of the Unicorns raised its hoof nervously. "Um, what's an ambush?"
"It's when a group of hunters hide in bushes and trees and the virgin leads you to the hunters, then the hunters jump out and kill you," Nelly said matter-of-factly. The Unicorns gulped collectively. "Now, if you do not want to be killed, what should you do?"
"Avoid bushes?" one of them offered.
Nelly was too tired to hear more inane comments. "No, don't trust virgins. Don't trust any human really, unless someone recommends you to them. The fairies are pretty good at picking out the good ones. Alright, that concludes today's seminar, I'll see you all on Monday."
The Unicorns gathered their things and Nelly left in search of a giant bottle of Aspirin and a big bowl of ice cream.
Yea, I know it was weird, but I like it. =o) And guess what? Congratulations! You won something! For reading this, you get any dessert you want and a plush figure of whatever LotR figure you want! =o) **puts out dessert trays and plush figures** Please, only one per person. **leaps back as people rush the figures** Hmm, I'm gonna be needing more Legolas, Aragorn, and Frodo plushies I see... Don't forget to suggest the fairytale you want to see used! (And don't worry, I'll probably recycle some, so Red may show up again, as may the lil piggies.) Thank you for reading! Please review!
The following stories were suggested by the following people (if your name appears here, it means your vote helped these stories win! It means nothing else. Sorry, no prize. Thank you for playing.):
Three Little Pigs - t, stupid kitten, Lady Talagand
Little Red Riding Hood - Lynne, Lady MR, Auerlia Lothlorien
Pinocchio - Lady MR
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in session.
The End. (We told you it was already in session.)
Chapter 12: 'Innocence' Is Easily Confused With 'Stupidity'
At the "So You Want To Be In A Fairytale" School a special assembly was being held on safety in fairytales. The auditorium was packed full of fairies, dwarves, unicorns, and other various fairytale creatures, all awaiting the seminar to begin.
A short blonde girl in jeans and t-shirt came out onto stage wearing a fake grin. "Good Morning everyone! Now you all know that fairytale creatures (the good ones anyway) are supposed to be innocent. However, we often forget that "innocence" can easily be confused with "stupidity." Today we're going to show you a few examples were "innocence" got the people in the examples into a lot of trouble. Basically, we are going to sit and laugh at people making stupid mistakes because of course we know we would never do the same thing." The girl shot a sarcastic glance at the numerous bandaged, bruised, and broken limbs in the room. "Ahem, as I was saying, I hope you will all be very respectful of today's speaker, Mrs. Ima Pig. Oh, and remember, the examples are just re-enactments, so there's no need for alarm."
The girl stepped off the stage, being careful not to bump into the speaker on the way. Mrs. Ima Pig was a pig. (If you had already guessed that, congratulations, but you still don't win anything.) She was wearing a pearl necklace (given to her by someone who had never heard the proverb about throwing pearls to swine), and a blue business suit. Mrs. Pig worked for the Disasters Happen Insurance Company, and had given many seminars in her day. Setting her papers on the podium, she cleared her throat and looked at the assembly from over thin wire-framed glasses.
"Disasters," she squeaked, then paused and cleared her throat again. "Disasters happen. If they didn't, I'd be out of a job." Silence (well, not complete silence, there were a few crickets) greeted her joke. "Ahem, yes, disasters happen, but there is something you can do to prevent them - buy insurance! Lots of insurance! Lots and lots and lo-"
"Um, excuse me, Mrs. Pig?" the girl interrupted. "You're not here to sell insurance, remember?"
Mrs. Pig stared at her in shock. "I'm not?" The girl shook her head. "Then what on earth am I doing here?!"
"You're here to give the seminar on safety..." the girl prompted.
"Safety?" Ima Pig frowned. "I don't believe in safety. I believe in money! Lots and lots of money! And this is wasting my time which is wasting my money. I must go sell insurance!!" Mrs. Pig grabbed her things and trotted quickly out of the room.
"What a pig," the girl grumbled under her breath. "Go get a mud pack. Ahem, students, it seems there will be no seminar today-" Loud moans and complaints erupted from the student body, but the girl silenced them with a glare. "I wasn't finished. Now, there will be no seminar today from Mrs. Pig, so I guess I shall have to give it." The students glanced at each other nervously. "Hey! That wasn't my fault!" the girl frowned, crossing her arms. "How was I supposed to know the gun was loaded? Besides, Buck's doing just fine, aren't ya Buck?" Everyone turned to look at a young deer with a bandage around his head. Seeing everyone staring at him, he leapt up and bolted out the door.
"Uh, yea, um anyway..." the girl cleared her throat. "For those of you who don't know me, I am Ms. Nelly Spruce, head of the 'How to Use Your Magic Without Killing Yourself' department. Without further ado, I will let the actors come out and give you our first example."
Nelly went off-stage, and the actors came out and did a re-enactment of the story of the Three Little Pigs. When they were done, Nelly came back out.
"Thanks boys, don't forget to tell Red she's up next, that girl would loose her head if she didn't wear that hood over it," she whispered to the actors. Rummaging through some papers, she stepped up to the podium. "Okay, now, as we can see the little pigs innocence obviously led to their deaths-" Someone from the audience interrupted her.
"I beg your pardon miss, but it was not the pigs fault," a unicorn said. "They could not keep the wolf from coming in."
"Hold your tongue, I'm getting to your kind," Nelly growled. "And couldn't the pigs have kept him from coming in? A house of straw? Give me a break. That was just sheer stupidity. The house of sticks was better, but if he had been smart he would have used some nails too! Also, why did they answer the wolf in the first place? If they had kept their fool mouths shut, perhaps the wolf would have thought they weren't home and moved on." Nelly watched as recognition dawned in the eyes of the assembly. I am not getting paid enough, she thought with a sigh. "Okay, let's go to the next example."
The actors came back out, this time portraying the tale of Little Red Riding Hood. Everything went well (except for Wolf messing up his lines a few times) and Nelly again took the stage.
"Alright, as we could see from this one, never take roads just because they are marked 'shortcut.' Make sure you know the road. Also, know your grandmother well! This way, if a wolf is pretending to be her, you won't have to sit there saying, 'gee, something's different Granny,' until the wolf eats you, okay?" There were quiet nods from the audience. "But of course the most important thing this taught us is..."
"Don't trust wolves?" a pig suggested.
"Always have a woodcutter with you?" a lumberjack shouted.
Nelly slapped her forehead. "No! And no! Did pre-school teach you nothing?!" There was silence (again, not complete silence, the crickets are still there).
"Don't talk to strangers?" a voice peeped.
Nelly's head snapped up. "Who said that?" she asked, glancing around the room.
A baby bird shyly raised it's wing. Grinning, Nelly leapt from the stage and went to the bird, heartily shaking it's wing. "That's right! Bob, tell her what she's won!"
"Well Nelly, this little bird has just won tickets to Neverland to meet the ever-young Peter Pan! You can battle Hook, explore the island, and hang out with Peter Pan and his Merry Men! ...Oops, wrong story. Peter Pan and the lost boys! This is an all-expense-paid 3-day event! Congratulations!" Bob the announcer looked up at the screen. "Yes, the bird can win a prize but you can't! Isn't that wonderful? And now a word from our sponsor."
Nelly pulled out a hand-held recorder and spoke into it on her way back to the stage. "Memo to self: Get new announcer. One that isn't so cheerful." Nelly tucked away the recorder and turned to the audience. "Okay, everyone, remember that very important rule: Never talk to strangers! Or clowns... they my try to give you a coloring book." The students exchanged confused looks. "Ahem, next example!"
The actors came back out and performed Pinocchio. After his fifteenth lie, Pinocchio was tending to tip over, and the other actors had to help him stay upright. But in the end his nose was back to normal and they exited the stage. The students looked around and waited patiently, but Nelly didn't come back to the stage. Suddenly snoring could be heard. Someone in the front row gently tapped Nelly, who sat up quickly.
"Huh-wha? Oh, we're back? Okay." Nelly mounted the steps to the stage slowly, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn. "Ahem, okay, now, what rule did this story illustrate that one of our other stories taught us as well?" The students frowned and mumbled among themselves. "It was demonstrated in the last story..." Nelly prompted. Still no one knew. "The little bird said..." Still no answer. Nelly began to bang her head on the podium. "Don't," bang, "talk," bang, "to strangers!" bang! A chorus of enlightened 'Oooohhhh's' erupted from the crowd. Nelly stood up straight, a red mark on her forehead.
"Okay, what else did this story teach us?" Nelly asked dryly. "And you Griffons better know this, it's going to be on your final exam. 'People can't do -this- around a Griffon.'"
The Griffons bit their lips, whispering to each other for the answer. "And I thought Griffons were supposed to be wise," Nelly mumbled, gulping down two Aspirin. "Lie! People can't lie around Griffons and it's not good to lie! Never lie! Unless you're evil, in which case you're supposed to lie, but good creatures never lie!
"And now for our conclusion," Nelly grinned. "Unicorns, this is for you specifically, the rest of you are free to leave." Nelly waited for the noise from the mad rush for the doors to subside. Once it had, the only creatures left were a small group of Unicorns looking very nervous. "Alright boys, consider this practice for your final. Now, you only let a certain group of people see you: what is that group?"
"Gypsies?" one Unicorn said nervously.
"Nooo..." Nelly sighed.
"Trees?" another suggested.
Nelly glared at him. "Are trees people?" she growled.
"The Dryads say they are," the Unicorn said weakly.
Nelly rubbed her forehead. "I'm surrounded by idiots."
"Um, wait, girls, right?" one of the brighter ones said.
"Yes, but what kind of girls?" Nelly coaxed.
"Pretty ones," a bratty Unicorn snickered. Nelly's copy of War and Peace promptly struck him in the head.
"Anyone else want to be a smart-alec?" Nelly growled. The Unicorns quickly shook their heads. "Good. Now, you only let virgins see you, remember?" The Unicorns nodded sheepishly. "Good, now the way you all end up getting killed is by letting a virgin lead you into an ambush."
One of the Unicorns raised its hoof nervously. "Um, what's an ambush?"
"It's when a group of hunters hide in bushes and trees and the virgin leads you to the hunters, then the hunters jump out and kill you," Nelly said matter-of-factly. The Unicorns gulped collectively. "Now, if you do not want to be killed, what should you do?"
"Avoid bushes?" one of them offered.
Nelly was too tired to hear more inane comments. "No, don't trust virgins. Don't trust any human really, unless someone recommends you to them. The fairies are pretty good at picking out the good ones. Alright, that concludes today's seminar, I'll see you all on Monday."
The Unicorns gathered their things and Nelly left in search of a giant bottle of Aspirin and a big bowl of ice cream.
Yea, I know it was weird, but I like it. =o) And guess what? Congratulations! You won something! For reading this, you get any dessert you want and a plush figure of whatever LotR figure you want! =o) **puts out dessert trays and plush figures** Please, only one per person. **leaps back as people rush the figures** Hmm, I'm gonna be needing more Legolas, Aragorn, and Frodo plushies I see... Don't forget to suggest the fairytale you want to see used! (And don't worry, I'll probably recycle some, so Red may show up again, as may the lil piggies.) Thank you for reading! Please review!
