Disclaimer#1(hold up you guys, there'll be quite a few of these): I don't
own the Black Jewels Trilogy(surprise surprise).
Disclaimer#2: I don't own the show Big Brother. Not that I'd want to, since it did so poorly. In fact, I only watched one episode, so even though this fic is based of the show most of the details will be incorrect anyway. It's the humor I'm after, nothing more nothing less.
Disclaimer#3: Deep down, I love all the characters from the trilogy. They are all linked in such a way that only Anne Bishop can describe and each one is treasure. However, there has to be some mockery involved. Don't take it as anything personal, in fact I hope you find it funny too. That's the point. After all, what's that saying? You always hurt the ones you love. Yeah, that's it.
Disclaimer#4: The characters will normally be somewhat OOC. After all, they kind of have to be to be doing this in the first place right? So I just want to let everyone out there know that yes, I do in fact know that they are OOC.
Disclaimer#5: I personally don't kick the characters out of the fic. That will be up to you guys. So don't get pissed at me if one of your fave characters gets kicked off, because it's not my fault! I just write it!
Wow only five? Okay, now that that's out of the way, there's just some setup involved. In case you don't know how the show works, a certain # of people are placed a show for a certain # of days and they have to put up with each other. Along the way, they nominate people that they want kicked out of the house and then it is up to you the readers/viewers to decide who gets kicked out, based on whom you don't like. And of course, the goal is to be the last person remaining.
We have 12 characters who will be placed in the Big Brother house. If they are the last character remaining we'll give them a slap on the back on the back and send them on their merry way. If not, we'll throw them off a cliff. Alright, time to meet our contestants. We have: Jaenelle, Daemon, Titian, Kartane, Surreal, Lucivar, Dorothea, Hekatah, Saetan, Cassandra, Karla, and Tersa. And then there's me of course who will be referred to as MDV(mysterious disembodied voice). Okay, I think that's it. Let's start.
* * * * *
The 12 contestants are pushed out of the vans they were kidnapped in and the blindfolds are removed. They blink as the sunlight hits their eyes and then turn to see their companions.
Everyone(pointing at someone they hate): AHHH!!!! Not you!
Jaenelle(to Dorothea and Hekatah): I killed you!
Hekatah: Yeah. . .weird.
Dorothea: I think I'd rather be dead.
Daemon: Well, you won't have to wait for long* reaches for jewel* Hey wait a minute! My jewels are gone!
Jaenelle: Oh no!
Daemon(blushes): No not those! The ones I use to kill people.
The women breathe a sigh of relief, but then everyone screams again.
Everyone: Why are our jewels missing?
MDV: ummm. . . well I couldn't just have you guys killing each other, what kind of a show would that be? So I took them away. This would also be a good time to remind all houseguests that only a minimal amount of violence is accepted; any one who does otherwise will promptly be thrown off a cliff.
Everyone: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Surreal(at Kartane): This is all your fault!
Kartane: How could this be my fault? I'm dead, remember?
Titian: Shut up, it's your fault.
Kartane: You shut up!
Titian: You!
Karla: It looks like we have a dysfunctional family within the House family.
Lucivar: Wow. . .you're an observant one.
Karla: Be quiet or I'll cut you down to my size!
Tersa: Vanilla bean. . .
Everyone else: What?
The pointless yet entertaining bickering continues for another 3 hours until the MDV interrupts.
MDV: Shouldn't you guys start entering the house? I mean, there's a lot of arrangements that need to be worked out.
Daemon: You mean I have to spend in indefinite amount of days with. . . (points in horror at Dorothea and Hekatah) them!
MDV: Uhh yeah bucko, that's the point.
Daemon: Did you just call me bucko?
MDV: No.
Dorothea: I'm gonna pick the first room.
Jaenelle: Hell no!
All contestants rush to grab a room but Cassandra hangs back.
Cassandra: We're allowed to have sex in the house right?
MDV: Of course, in fact that's one of the perks of the show. Not that I think you'll be getting any but. . . you never know.
Cassandra: Aren't hosts supposed to be unbiased reporters of the events of the show?
MDV: Yeah. . .about that. . .
Meanwhile, the High Lord of Hell is trying to find a bedroom. Seeing the one next to the bathroom, he leaps inside.
Hekatah and Dorothea(hissing and screeching): Get out! This room's taken!
Saetan: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flying out, he tries the room next to it.
Titian: Sorry, this room's taken too. All girls.
Jaenelle: Oh papa, I'm soooo glad you're here. Those bitches took the room I wanted next to the bathroom. You go tell them to leave now!
Saetan: Uh, sorry honey, I don't have any control over that. Just calm down and. . .try to enjoy yourself.
He left then before Jaenelle could respond. Going into the final bedroom, he was almost relieved to see the three other males looking back at him.
Saetan: Oh thank God it's you guys.
Kartane(sneering): Speak for yourself.
Lucivar: Shut up, remember it's your fault we're here in the first place.
Kartane: It's not my fault!
Daemon: Give me that pillow and shut up.
Finally, Cassandra makes it into the room that is currently holding Jaenelle, Tersa, Karla, Surreal, and Titian.
Cassandra(brightly): Hello gals.
Surreal: Alright you guys this isn't going to work. There is only room for four of us, so two chicas are going to have to share a room with Dorothy and Hekatah.
Titian: Ah, Dorothy, I get it!
Karla: Well you know Surreal, Dorothy IS your grandmother.
Surreal: Hey Kar, you wanna shut that hole in your face before I snap of your arms and make you a complete vegetable?
Titian: You guys, that's enough of that!
Cassandra: Yeah, whatever Harpy Queen.
Titan: That's it you're outta here! Good-bye Cassie.
Cassandra: What?
Jaenelle: Yep, you've officially been kicked off the island.
Cassandra: That's not fair!
Karla: Okay we'll take a vote. Anyone that wants to room with Cassie raise their hand.
Silence. . .a cricket chirps in the distance.
Tersa: You ARE the Weakest Link, good-bye.
Cassandra: phoo!
Surreal: And who's next?
Tersa: Madness. . .the madness is taking over. . . taxis. . . paper. . .coyotes
Jaenelle, Karla, Titian, and Surreal: Good-bye Tersa.
* * * * *
1 Day Two
* * * * *
The day begins with a shadowy figure sneaking off to the bathroom. It is Jaenelle and she rounds a corner which has her consequently bumping into Cassandra . . .who is also making like Hell for the bathroom.
Jaenelle(snaps): Owww, watch where you're going!
Cassandra: Shove it Jaenelle, I gotta use the bathroom
Jaenelle: Yeah. . . after me of course.
Cassandra: Over my dead body.
Jaenelle: You are dead, remember? Speaking of which, since you're demon dead you don't need to use the bathroom anyway.
Cassandra: Like Hell I don't!
Saetan: What about Hell?
The commotion caused by the two women has the whole house awake and present, mutter under their breath about being awake so early.
Daemon: Well BOTH of you are wrong, I need to primp myself so everyone else is going to have to wait.
Titian: Yeah Sadi. You need to primp like I need another scar.
Daemon(growls): That could be arranged. . .
Suddenly the mutters are interrupted by a scream from the bathroom. Everyone rushes in to see Lucivar pawing frantically through the medicine cabinet.
Hekatah: What are you doing?
Lucivar: Not here! My cleansing strips for my pores are not here! I'll develop acne for sure!
Everyone minus Lucivar smacks themselves on the forehead and goes back to catch whatever sleep they can.
Later that day. . .
Daemon enters a bright yellow room surrounded by mirrors.
Daemon: Is this the complaint room? You know, the room where you bitch about your companions and then say what you need?
MDV: Yes Sadist. . . what's up?
Daemon: Well I got this problem. It turns out that my padre snores pretty loudly. So can you get me some sleeping draught or something?
MDV: No.
Daemon(angrily): Why not?
MDV: Because sleeping aids are classified as drugs, and it is illegal for me to supply my guests with them. . . not that I should answer to you or anything.
Daemon: You're so full of shit.
MDV: What's your point?
He storms out to be replaced by Jaenelle.
Jaenelle: Salutations.
MDV: Whatever.
Jaenelle: I need honey.
MDV: Sorry hon, I don't swing that way. Talk to Daemon.
Jaenelle: No, the condiment. Honey.
MDV: Oh. . .are you going to switch it with Dorothy's shampoo?
Jaenelle: That's its intent.
MDV: Done.
A few minutes later, Cassandra enters.
Cassandra: Is this the complaint room?
MDV: Maybe.
Cassandra: I'll take that as a yes.
MDV: . . .
Cassandra: Anyway, my complaint is my roommates. I need my personal space and Dorothea and Hekatah are positively awful. So I was wondering if I could get my own room?
MDV: Ohhh sorry, no can do. When you signed on to do this program, you agreed to share a room. You can't back out now.
Cassandra(exploding): I DIDN'T AGREE TO DO THIS SHOW!! I WAS KIDNAPPED AND FORCED TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE I CAN'T STAND!! I HATE THIS!! I WANT TO DIE!!
Cassandra finishes dramatically, seething with rage, when she hears a click and then a beep.
MDV's voice machine: You have reached the Mysterious Disembodied Voice. Sorry, I am unable to take your call. If you leave your name, I will get back to you ASAP.
Cassandra: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Machine: Beep.
* * * * *
2 End of Day Two
* * * * *
What will happen in the next episode? Will Cassie and Tersa finally stand up to Dorothy and Hekatah? Will Lucivar get acne medication? Is it really Kartane's fault that the other 11 members are here? Find out next time; and we will also see the nominations for who will be voted out of the house. Hasta luego!
Disclaimer#2: I don't own the show Big Brother. Not that I'd want to, since it did so poorly. In fact, I only watched one episode, so even though this fic is based of the show most of the details will be incorrect anyway. It's the humor I'm after, nothing more nothing less.
Disclaimer#3: Deep down, I love all the characters from the trilogy. They are all linked in such a way that only Anne Bishop can describe and each one is treasure. However, there has to be some mockery involved. Don't take it as anything personal, in fact I hope you find it funny too. That's the point. After all, what's that saying? You always hurt the ones you love. Yeah, that's it.
Disclaimer#4: The characters will normally be somewhat OOC. After all, they kind of have to be to be doing this in the first place right? So I just want to let everyone out there know that yes, I do in fact know that they are OOC.
Disclaimer#5: I personally don't kick the characters out of the fic. That will be up to you guys. So don't get pissed at me if one of your fave characters gets kicked off, because it's not my fault! I just write it!
Wow only five? Okay, now that that's out of the way, there's just some setup involved. In case you don't know how the show works, a certain # of people are placed a show for a certain # of days and they have to put up with each other. Along the way, they nominate people that they want kicked out of the house and then it is up to you the readers/viewers to decide who gets kicked out, based on whom you don't like. And of course, the goal is to be the last person remaining.
We have 12 characters who will be placed in the Big Brother house. If they are the last character remaining we'll give them a slap on the back on the back and send them on their merry way. If not, we'll throw them off a cliff. Alright, time to meet our contestants. We have: Jaenelle, Daemon, Titian, Kartane, Surreal, Lucivar, Dorothea, Hekatah, Saetan, Cassandra, Karla, and Tersa. And then there's me of course who will be referred to as MDV(mysterious disembodied voice). Okay, I think that's it. Let's start.
* * * * *
The 12 contestants are pushed out of the vans they were kidnapped in and the blindfolds are removed. They blink as the sunlight hits their eyes and then turn to see their companions.
Everyone(pointing at someone they hate): AHHH!!!! Not you!
Jaenelle(to Dorothea and Hekatah): I killed you!
Hekatah: Yeah. . .weird.
Dorothea: I think I'd rather be dead.
Daemon: Well, you won't have to wait for long* reaches for jewel* Hey wait a minute! My jewels are gone!
Jaenelle: Oh no!
Daemon(blushes): No not those! The ones I use to kill people.
The women breathe a sigh of relief, but then everyone screams again.
Everyone: Why are our jewels missing?
MDV: ummm. . . well I couldn't just have you guys killing each other, what kind of a show would that be? So I took them away. This would also be a good time to remind all houseguests that only a minimal amount of violence is accepted; any one who does otherwise will promptly be thrown off a cliff.
Everyone: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Surreal(at Kartane): This is all your fault!
Kartane: How could this be my fault? I'm dead, remember?
Titian: Shut up, it's your fault.
Kartane: You shut up!
Titian: You!
Karla: It looks like we have a dysfunctional family within the House family.
Lucivar: Wow. . .you're an observant one.
Karla: Be quiet or I'll cut you down to my size!
Tersa: Vanilla bean. . .
Everyone else: What?
The pointless yet entertaining bickering continues for another 3 hours until the MDV interrupts.
MDV: Shouldn't you guys start entering the house? I mean, there's a lot of arrangements that need to be worked out.
Daemon: You mean I have to spend in indefinite amount of days with. . . (points in horror at Dorothea and Hekatah) them!
MDV: Uhh yeah bucko, that's the point.
Daemon: Did you just call me bucko?
MDV: No.
Dorothea: I'm gonna pick the first room.
Jaenelle: Hell no!
All contestants rush to grab a room but Cassandra hangs back.
Cassandra: We're allowed to have sex in the house right?
MDV: Of course, in fact that's one of the perks of the show. Not that I think you'll be getting any but. . . you never know.
Cassandra: Aren't hosts supposed to be unbiased reporters of the events of the show?
MDV: Yeah. . .about that. . .
Meanwhile, the High Lord of Hell is trying to find a bedroom. Seeing the one next to the bathroom, he leaps inside.
Hekatah and Dorothea(hissing and screeching): Get out! This room's taken!
Saetan: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flying out, he tries the room next to it.
Titian: Sorry, this room's taken too. All girls.
Jaenelle: Oh papa, I'm soooo glad you're here. Those bitches took the room I wanted next to the bathroom. You go tell them to leave now!
Saetan: Uh, sorry honey, I don't have any control over that. Just calm down and. . .try to enjoy yourself.
He left then before Jaenelle could respond. Going into the final bedroom, he was almost relieved to see the three other males looking back at him.
Saetan: Oh thank God it's you guys.
Kartane(sneering): Speak for yourself.
Lucivar: Shut up, remember it's your fault we're here in the first place.
Kartane: It's not my fault!
Daemon: Give me that pillow and shut up.
Finally, Cassandra makes it into the room that is currently holding Jaenelle, Tersa, Karla, Surreal, and Titian.
Cassandra(brightly): Hello gals.
Surreal: Alright you guys this isn't going to work. There is only room for four of us, so two chicas are going to have to share a room with Dorothy and Hekatah.
Titian: Ah, Dorothy, I get it!
Karla: Well you know Surreal, Dorothy IS your grandmother.
Surreal: Hey Kar, you wanna shut that hole in your face before I snap of your arms and make you a complete vegetable?
Titian: You guys, that's enough of that!
Cassandra: Yeah, whatever Harpy Queen.
Titan: That's it you're outta here! Good-bye Cassie.
Cassandra: What?
Jaenelle: Yep, you've officially been kicked off the island.
Cassandra: That's not fair!
Karla: Okay we'll take a vote. Anyone that wants to room with Cassie raise their hand.
Silence. . .a cricket chirps in the distance.
Tersa: You ARE the Weakest Link, good-bye.
Cassandra: phoo!
Surreal: And who's next?
Tersa: Madness. . .the madness is taking over. . . taxis. . . paper. . .coyotes
Jaenelle, Karla, Titian, and Surreal: Good-bye Tersa.
* * * * *
1 Day Two
* * * * *
The day begins with a shadowy figure sneaking off to the bathroom. It is Jaenelle and she rounds a corner which has her consequently bumping into Cassandra . . .who is also making like Hell for the bathroom.
Jaenelle(snaps): Owww, watch where you're going!
Cassandra: Shove it Jaenelle, I gotta use the bathroom
Jaenelle: Yeah. . . after me of course.
Cassandra: Over my dead body.
Jaenelle: You are dead, remember? Speaking of which, since you're demon dead you don't need to use the bathroom anyway.
Cassandra: Like Hell I don't!
Saetan: What about Hell?
The commotion caused by the two women has the whole house awake and present, mutter under their breath about being awake so early.
Daemon: Well BOTH of you are wrong, I need to primp myself so everyone else is going to have to wait.
Titian: Yeah Sadi. You need to primp like I need another scar.
Daemon(growls): That could be arranged. . .
Suddenly the mutters are interrupted by a scream from the bathroom. Everyone rushes in to see Lucivar pawing frantically through the medicine cabinet.
Hekatah: What are you doing?
Lucivar: Not here! My cleansing strips for my pores are not here! I'll develop acne for sure!
Everyone minus Lucivar smacks themselves on the forehead and goes back to catch whatever sleep they can.
Later that day. . .
Daemon enters a bright yellow room surrounded by mirrors.
Daemon: Is this the complaint room? You know, the room where you bitch about your companions and then say what you need?
MDV: Yes Sadist. . . what's up?
Daemon: Well I got this problem. It turns out that my padre snores pretty loudly. So can you get me some sleeping draught or something?
MDV: No.
Daemon(angrily): Why not?
MDV: Because sleeping aids are classified as drugs, and it is illegal for me to supply my guests with them. . . not that I should answer to you or anything.
Daemon: You're so full of shit.
MDV: What's your point?
He storms out to be replaced by Jaenelle.
Jaenelle: Salutations.
MDV: Whatever.
Jaenelle: I need honey.
MDV: Sorry hon, I don't swing that way. Talk to Daemon.
Jaenelle: No, the condiment. Honey.
MDV: Oh. . .are you going to switch it with Dorothy's shampoo?
Jaenelle: That's its intent.
MDV: Done.
A few minutes later, Cassandra enters.
Cassandra: Is this the complaint room?
MDV: Maybe.
Cassandra: I'll take that as a yes.
MDV: . . .
Cassandra: Anyway, my complaint is my roommates. I need my personal space and Dorothea and Hekatah are positively awful. So I was wondering if I could get my own room?
MDV: Ohhh sorry, no can do. When you signed on to do this program, you agreed to share a room. You can't back out now.
Cassandra(exploding): I DIDN'T AGREE TO DO THIS SHOW!! I WAS KIDNAPPED AND FORCED TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE I CAN'T STAND!! I HATE THIS!! I WANT TO DIE!!
Cassandra finishes dramatically, seething with rage, when she hears a click and then a beep.
MDV's voice machine: You have reached the Mysterious Disembodied Voice. Sorry, I am unable to take your call. If you leave your name, I will get back to you ASAP.
Cassandra: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Machine: Beep.
* * * * *
2 End of Day Two
* * * * *
What will happen in the next episode? Will Cassie and Tersa finally stand up to Dorothy and Hekatah? Will Lucivar get acne medication? Is it really Kartane's fault that the other 11 members are here? Find out next time; and we will also see the nominations for who will be voted out of the house. Hasta luego!
