Surprisingly decent music was played at the Fall Dance. I couldn't
believe I had actually let Melissa talk me into coming to it, but she did.
She even got me to wear a dress.
Mainly, I hung around her, except for when slow dances came on. Then I would stand against the wall until she was done frolicking with Jeremy.
Tears on my Pillow ended, and Melissa and Jeremy came over to me, hand in hand. "Hi, Toby," Jeremy said.
"Have I not made it clear--" I began heatedly.
"No, I'm serious, I'm sorry about what I said. If you're friends with Melissa, you gotta be okay." He smiled. "You look good. You should dress like a girl more often."
I grimaced sarcastically. "Thanks. That means a lot."
"You know what I mean." With a childlike shrug, he said, "You're actually kind of alright looking."
Searching the crowds of dancing teenagers, I spotted Gordie and Chris over by the refreshments and sighed. "Not alright looking enough, apparently. I'm nowhere near Melissa."
A wry smile came over Melissa's face. "Who do you have your eye on, Tweets?"
"No one, screw you."
She looked around, trying to follow my gaze. "We're like, best friends!" she cried. "You have to tell me."
"You have to guess." I grinned playfully. "Ask me yes or no questions."
She rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "This isn't fun." Twisting her face up into a confused expression, she asked, "Do I know him very well?"
"Not as well as you think you do." I paused. "Actually, no one knows him as well as they think they do."
"Is he in any of the classes you and I have together?"
"No."
"Erg," she grumbled. "Do I have any classes with him?"
"Um, Health, I think."
"Does his name start with an A?"
"No."
"B?"
"Uh, no." I didn't like where this was going.
"C?"
I scowled. "Yes."
"Does his last name start with an A?"
"No."
"B?"
"No."
"C?"
Squealing, I covered my face with my hands, causing laughter from both Melissa and Jeremy.
Melissa thought for awhile. I prayed that she was having a blond day and she wouldn't figure it out, but then she gasped loudly. "CHRIS CHAMBERS!" she yelled.
I pounced on her, covering her mouth with my hand, and then screaming when she bit it. I let her go, and she just laughed delightedly. "That's so cute!"
"Shut up," I snapped. "Now I'm grumpy."
"No, really," she told me sincerely. "I think it's cute. He's not who I'd recommend for you, but it's cute anyway, I mean, like, your reaction and stuff. You're blushing."
"I'm not blushing."
"Jeremy, look at her blush!"
Jeremy grinned. "Where is the freak, I should go ask him if he likes you."
"NOOOOOOOO!!!" I screamed.
Jeremy and Melissa burst out laughing again. "Why not?" he chuckled.
"Because I would die!" I shook my head wildly. "He doesn't like me like I like him! Besides, Gordie would kill me because Chris is his best friend and I'm his cousin, and he'd be like 'GRR' and all would be hellish!"
"Aww!" Melissa gushed, and wrapped me into a friendly hug. "I think this is adorable."
"Fehrwell," some guy said, bumping into him purposely. "We got smokes, come to the parking lot."
"Jeremy," Melissa warned. "You know I don't like cigarettes."
"I know. But one's not going to kill me," he promised her. "I'll be back." With a hug to Melissa, he followed his buddies outside.
Melissa's favorite song began to play, and she jumped up and down. "I love it! I love it!" she cried. She grabbed my hands and made me dance with her. Her enthusiasm always amused me. I felt like a kid around her.
"She loves you, ya, ya, ya," we both belted out together, and then giggled wildly.
"You squeak like a rat when you sing!" I told her, laughing so hard at her vocal abilities that my sides hurt.
I could tell by her laughter echoing mine that she didn't mind the insult.
"How long have you liked Chris?" she asked me, out of breath. Our dance was vigorous and tiring.
I shrugged. "I don't know. Since before school started."
"AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME, YOU BITCH?" she cried. I giggled; I found it hilarious when she swore.
"I didn't think that anyone else needed to know!"
Tilting her head at me disbelievingly, she squawked, "You know I have a burning desire to know everyone else's business!"
"Hey, Toby," Jeremy called, approaching us. "Chris said he'll dance with you for the next slow dance. He'll meet you at these doors over here."
I ceased all movement. "What the fuuuuck are you talking about?" I asked flatly.
"He'll meet you at these doors," he repeated, this time more loudly, thinking that I had a hearing problem.
I squeaked.
Melissa hugged me. "This is great!"
"No it's not!" I shouted. "My life is over!"
"Chris was like, 'Toby who?' when I asked him," Jeremy informed him.
"I'm going to slit my wrists!" I buried my face in Melissa's shoulder.
"But then he was all happy and smiling and shit," Jeremy said.
"Love Me Tender" began to play. My heart rammed itself against my ribcage. I felt all the colour drain out of my face.
"Go, go, go," Melissa urged me. "Make me proud, Tweets." She gave me a hug and then left with Jeremy to dance.
Chris never showed up at the doors. I felt like crying as all the worst scenarios played themselves in my head. I figured that Chris realized how appalling I was and had left the dance altogether. Then I thought that Jeremy hadn't even said anything at all to Chris and that he and all his friends were now laughing at me standing around waiting for someone who wasn't even going to show up. Tears actually welled up in my eyes and I hated myself for it.
"Toby," a voice said from behind me. The song was over.
I whirled around. It was Gordie. I went to him, wanting him to hug me, but just crossed my arms over my chest instead. "What?" I felt my heart breaking. I felt so stupid.
"Chris said that he couldn't find you," Gordie told me, a look of sympathy in his eyes. I'd never seen him look at me with actual compassion before. "He said he was sorry."
"Well, what the fuck was he thinking?" I demanded. "How many fucking doors are there over here?"
I often react with anger when I'm sad.
Gordie smiled softly. "He's sorry. He'll meet you for the next one, right here." He shrugged. "If he doesn't, I'll personally beat him up."
Abruptly, I was finding myself caring a lot for my cousin right then. "Okay. Thanks, Gordie."
"Yeah, whatever." He grinned and left.
"So, how was it?" Melissa demanded when I found her again. "I want every detail, what did he smell like, did you talk about anything, tell me, I'm having a heart attack!"
I smiled, blinking back tears and thanking God it was too dark for her to see my weakness. "We never found each other."
"That bastard!" she snapped.
"No, it's okay, he just couldn't find me."
"My foot he couldn't find you!" She scowled. "I never did like him!"
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I spun around quickly. Chris stood there, looking sheepish.
"Toby, sorry," he told me, not meeting my eye. "I didn't know where you were. But I'll keep an eye out for you for the next one."
"Okay." What else was I supposed to say? I felt like sinking into the ground and dying, I didn't see how I was expected to come up with some diplomatic response.
"Alright." He nodded. "See you later."
"Okay."
He walked away.
Melissa practically leapt into my arms. "That was the cutest thing I've ever SEEN!" she gushed.
"Oh, shut up," I mumbled crankily.
"You two SO like each other!"
"He doesn't like me," I snapped. "I know he doesn't. I don't see why he would. I think I'm just setting myself up for some fucking hurt feelings."
"Tweets," she said, touching my arm. "Anyone who doesn't like you is a fool, you know that."
"That's not a lot of consolation for right now."
"I know." She smiled pityingly. I hated that she pitied me. I hated how she thought I must be pretty pathetic that I couldn't even get the supposedly least popular person enrolled in the college courses. I hated everyone at that moment, especially myself.
A smooth, tenor voice, sang, "Hey Jude," and I melted instantly. This was the song my mother and I had sung together when we did the dishes together.
I looked back and saw Chris looking back at me. I couldn't help but smile, feeling tears again.
"Hey," he said. "After the dance, wanna help me kick the shit out of Gordie? He's annoying me. He keeps bitch slapping me."
I laughed. "Yes, very much, as much as I adore the idiot, I do enjoy beating him up." I put my arms around his neck, and loved the completion I felt when he put his hands on my waist. Looking up at him, I suddenly realized that was probably close to seven inches taller than I was. He was looking away; off to the side. "I hate this song," I said before I knew I was thinking it.
"Really?" he asked. "I like it. Why do you hate it?"
I rolled my eyes helplessly, not sure what to say. "I don't know, I-- " My voice broke off and I realized how close I was again to crying.
"You okay?" Chris looked at me and by the look on his face, I could tell he wasn't sure what to do if I were to start bawling. "I thought you said you don't cry."
"I'm not crying," I snapped. "I'm allergic to you or something, my eyes are just watering."
"Okay." His voice had quieted down, but I noticed that his arms were holding me more tightly now, but couldn't tell if maybe it was just my imagination or not.
"It reminds me of my mom."
"Oh." He nodded. "I guess it's a pretty sad song to begin with, huh?"
I took one of my hands away from his neck and swiped at my eyes furtively. "Yeah, it's a sad song. How's your night been?"
"I don't know," he said.
"No?"
"No." He smiled. "Could be better I guess. But it's pretty good for the most part. How about yours?"
"Oh," I groaned, rolling my eyes again. "Don't even ask. My friends are assholes."
He laughed. "You enjoy that word, don't you?"
"I do."
As much as the song depressed me, I was happy it was so long. I loved how natural and right that Chris and I were together at that moment. When the song ended, I smiled up at him. "Thank you for the dance, sir."
"No problem," he said. "I'll see you later maybe." He left me with a smirk and then went to find Gordie, I assumed.
Still swooning, I discovered Melissa sipping punch and talking to a friend of hers. "You look like you're on something," her friend filled me in. "Or like you're really sick or something."
Melissa swatted her. "Shut up, she's in love." After the girl had left, Melissa smiled benignly at me, she said, "I watched you guys like the whole time, it was sweet."
"But don't you think that Chris is white trash?" I asked conversationally and mockingly. "You couldn't possibly think that we'd be right for each other. He's so low class, and I'm so much above him."
"I've always been scared of him," she admitted. "But I don't know him, you're right. I guess if you like him this much, then there must be something about him that's worthwhile."
"Really?" I asked. My face lit up delightedly. "You're so wonderful, thank you for saying that."
"Hey, Missy," Jeremy said, approaching us. He gave her a long hug and took a sip from her drink. "Oh, hi Toby." He looked thoughtful for a second, like he was trying to remember something. "Ohhh! I remember. I was just talking to whatshisface, and…do you want to know?"
"What?" I looked at him strangely. "What are you talking about?"
"Your little boyfriend," he reminded me patiently. "I was just talking to him."
"About what?"
"Umm…you."
"Why?" I cried.
"Do you want to know what he said?"
"Yes!" I didn't like the suspense. I was growing impatient.
"Do you really want to know?" His face was full of pity. I hated that look beyond belief. I wasn't that pathetic, I wished people would stop looking at me like that.
"Just tell me," I snapped belligerently.
He shrugged and refused to meet my eye. "He only likes you as a friend."
Someone bumped into me, and carried on their way, laughing with his friend. Laughter seemed so strange while my private hell was turning inside out.
Mainly, I hung around her, except for when slow dances came on. Then I would stand against the wall until she was done frolicking with Jeremy.
Tears on my Pillow ended, and Melissa and Jeremy came over to me, hand in hand. "Hi, Toby," Jeremy said.
"Have I not made it clear--" I began heatedly.
"No, I'm serious, I'm sorry about what I said. If you're friends with Melissa, you gotta be okay." He smiled. "You look good. You should dress like a girl more often."
I grimaced sarcastically. "Thanks. That means a lot."
"You know what I mean." With a childlike shrug, he said, "You're actually kind of alright looking."
Searching the crowds of dancing teenagers, I spotted Gordie and Chris over by the refreshments and sighed. "Not alright looking enough, apparently. I'm nowhere near Melissa."
A wry smile came over Melissa's face. "Who do you have your eye on, Tweets?"
"No one, screw you."
She looked around, trying to follow my gaze. "We're like, best friends!" she cried. "You have to tell me."
"You have to guess." I grinned playfully. "Ask me yes or no questions."
She rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "This isn't fun." Twisting her face up into a confused expression, she asked, "Do I know him very well?"
"Not as well as you think you do." I paused. "Actually, no one knows him as well as they think they do."
"Is he in any of the classes you and I have together?"
"No."
"Erg," she grumbled. "Do I have any classes with him?"
"Um, Health, I think."
"Does his name start with an A?"
"No."
"B?"
"Uh, no." I didn't like where this was going.
"C?"
I scowled. "Yes."
"Does his last name start with an A?"
"No."
"B?"
"No."
"C?"
Squealing, I covered my face with my hands, causing laughter from both Melissa and Jeremy.
Melissa thought for awhile. I prayed that she was having a blond day and she wouldn't figure it out, but then she gasped loudly. "CHRIS CHAMBERS!" she yelled.
I pounced on her, covering her mouth with my hand, and then screaming when she bit it. I let her go, and she just laughed delightedly. "That's so cute!"
"Shut up," I snapped. "Now I'm grumpy."
"No, really," she told me sincerely. "I think it's cute. He's not who I'd recommend for you, but it's cute anyway, I mean, like, your reaction and stuff. You're blushing."
"I'm not blushing."
"Jeremy, look at her blush!"
Jeremy grinned. "Where is the freak, I should go ask him if he likes you."
"NOOOOOOOO!!!" I screamed.
Jeremy and Melissa burst out laughing again. "Why not?" he chuckled.
"Because I would die!" I shook my head wildly. "He doesn't like me like I like him! Besides, Gordie would kill me because Chris is his best friend and I'm his cousin, and he'd be like 'GRR' and all would be hellish!"
"Aww!" Melissa gushed, and wrapped me into a friendly hug. "I think this is adorable."
"Fehrwell," some guy said, bumping into him purposely. "We got smokes, come to the parking lot."
"Jeremy," Melissa warned. "You know I don't like cigarettes."
"I know. But one's not going to kill me," he promised her. "I'll be back." With a hug to Melissa, he followed his buddies outside.
Melissa's favorite song began to play, and she jumped up and down. "I love it! I love it!" she cried. She grabbed my hands and made me dance with her. Her enthusiasm always amused me. I felt like a kid around her.
"She loves you, ya, ya, ya," we both belted out together, and then giggled wildly.
"You squeak like a rat when you sing!" I told her, laughing so hard at her vocal abilities that my sides hurt.
I could tell by her laughter echoing mine that she didn't mind the insult.
"How long have you liked Chris?" she asked me, out of breath. Our dance was vigorous and tiring.
I shrugged. "I don't know. Since before school started."
"AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME, YOU BITCH?" she cried. I giggled; I found it hilarious when she swore.
"I didn't think that anyone else needed to know!"
Tilting her head at me disbelievingly, she squawked, "You know I have a burning desire to know everyone else's business!"
"Hey, Toby," Jeremy called, approaching us. "Chris said he'll dance with you for the next slow dance. He'll meet you at these doors over here."
I ceased all movement. "What the fuuuuck are you talking about?" I asked flatly.
"He'll meet you at these doors," he repeated, this time more loudly, thinking that I had a hearing problem.
I squeaked.
Melissa hugged me. "This is great!"
"No it's not!" I shouted. "My life is over!"
"Chris was like, 'Toby who?' when I asked him," Jeremy informed him.
"I'm going to slit my wrists!" I buried my face in Melissa's shoulder.
"But then he was all happy and smiling and shit," Jeremy said.
"Love Me Tender" began to play. My heart rammed itself against my ribcage. I felt all the colour drain out of my face.
"Go, go, go," Melissa urged me. "Make me proud, Tweets." She gave me a hug and then left with Jeremy to dance.
Chris never showed up at the doors. I felt like crying as all the worst scenarios played themselves in my head. I figured that Chris realized how appalling I was and had left the dance altogether. Then I thought that Jeremy hadn't even said anything at all to Chris and that he and all his friends were now laughing at me standing around waiting for someone who wasn't even going to show up. Tears actually welled up in my eyes and I hated myself for it.
"Toby," a voice said from behind me. The song was over.
I whirled around. It was Gordie. I went to him, wanting him to hug me, but just crossed my arms over my chest instead. "What?" I felt my heart breaking. I felt so stupid.
"Chris said that he couldn't find you," Gordie told me, a look of sympathy in his eyes. I'd never seen him look at me with actual compassion before. "He said he was sorry."
"Well, what the fuck was he thinking?" I demanded. "How many fucking doors are there over here?"
I often react with anger when I'm sad.
Gordie smiled softly. "He's sorry. He'll meet you for the next one, right here." He shrugged. "If he doesn't, I'll personally beat him up."
Abruptly, I was finding myself caring a lot for my cousin right then. "Okay. Thanks, Gordie."
"Yeah, whatever." He grinned and left.
"So, how was it?" Melissa demanded when I found her again. "I want every detail, what did he smell like, did you talk about anything, tell me, I'm having a heart attack!"
I smiled, blinking back tears and thanking God it was too dark for her to see my weakness. "We never found each other."
"That bastard!" she snapped.
"No, it's okay, he just couldn't find me."
"My foot he couldn't find you!" She scowled. "I never did like him!"
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I spun around quickly. Chris stood there, looking sheepish.
"Toby, sorry," he told me, not meeting my eye. "I didn't know where you were. But I'll keep an eye out for you for the next one."
"Okay." What else was I supposed to say? I felt like sinking into the ground and dying, I didn't see how I was expected to come up with some diplomatic response.
"Alright." He nodded. "See you later."
"Okay."
He walked away.
Melissa practically leapt into my arms. "That was the cutest thing I've ever SEEN!" she gushed.
"Oh, shut up," I mumbled crankily.
"You two SO like each other!"
"He doesn't like me," I snapped. "I know he doesn't. I don't see why he would. I think I'm just setting myself up for some fucking hurt feelings."
"Tweets," she said, touching my arm. "Anyone who doesn't like you is a fool, you know that."
"That's not a lot of consolation for right now."
"I know." She smiled pityingly. I hated that she pitied me. I hated how she thought I must be pretty pathetic that I couldn't even get the supposedly least popular person enrolled in the college courses. I hated everyone at that moment, especially myself.
A smooth, tenor voice, sang, "Hey Jude," and I melted instantly. This was the song my mother and I had sung together when we did the dishes together.
I looked back and saw Chris looking back at me. I couldn't help but smile, feeling tears again.
"Hey," he said. "After the dance, wanna help me kick the shit out of Gordie? He's annoying me. He keeps bitch slapping me."
I laughed. "Yes, very much, as much as I adore the idiot, I do enjoy beating him up." I put my arms around his neck, and loved the completion I felt when he put his hands on my waist. Looking up at him, I suddenly realized that was probably close to seven inches taller than I was. He was looking away; off to the side. "I hate this song," I said before I knew I was thinking it.
"Really?" he asked. "I like it. Why do you hate it?"
I rolled my eyes helplessly, not sure what to say. "I don't know, I-- " My voice broke off and I realized how close I was again to crying.
"You okay?" Chris looked at me and by the look on his face, I could tell he wasn't sure what to do if I were to start bawling. "I thought you said you don't cry."
"I'm not crying," I snapped. "I'm allergic to you or something, my eyes are just watering."
"Okay." His voice had quieted down, but I noticed that his arms were holding me more tightly now, but couldn't tell if maybe it was just my imagination or not.
"It reminds me of my mom."
"Oh." He nodded. "I guess it's a pretty sad song to begin with, huh?"
I took one of my hands away from his neck and swiped at my eyes furtively. "Yeah, it's a sad song. How's your night been?"
"I don't know," he said.
"No?"
"No." He smiled. "Could be better I guess. But it's pretty good for the most part. How about yours?"
"Oh," I groaned, rolling my eyes again. "Don't even ask. My friends are assholes."
He laughed. "You enjoy that word, don't you?"
"I do."
As much as the song depressed me, I was happy it was so long. I loved how natural and right that Chris and I were together at that moment. When the song ended, I smiled up at him. "Thank you for the dance, sir."
"No problem," he said. "I'll see you later maybe." He left me with a smirk and then went to find Gordie, I assumed.
Still swooning, I discovered Melissa sipping punch and talking to a friend of hers. "You look like you're on something," her friend filled me in. "Or like you're really sick or something."
Melissa swatted her. "Shut up, she's in love." After the girl had left, Melissa smiled benignly at me, she said, "I watched you guys like the whole time, it was sweet."
"But don't you think that Chris is white trash?" I asked conversationally and mockingly. "You couldn't possibly think that we'd be right for each other. He's so low class, and I'm so much above him."
"I've always been scared of him," she admitted. "But I don't know him, you're right. I guess if you like him this much, then there must be something about him that's worthwhile."
"Really?" I asked. My face lit up delightedly. "You're so wonderful, thank you for saying that."
"Hey, Missy," Jeremy said, approaching us. He gave her a long hug and took a sip from her drink. "Oh, hi Toby." He looked thoughtful for a second, like he was trying to remember something. "Ohhh! I remember. I was just talking to whatshisface, and…do you want to know?"
"What?" I looked at him strangely. "What are you talking about?"
"Your little boyfriend," he reminded me patiently. "I was just talking to him."
"About what?"
"Umm…you."
"Why?" I cried.
"Do you want to know what he said?"
"Yes!" I didn't like the suspense. I was growing impatient.
"Do you really want to know?" His face was full of pity. I hated that look beyond belief. I wasn't that pathetic, I wished people would stop looking at me like that.
"Just tell me," I snapped belligerently.
He shrugged and refused to meet my eye. "He only likes you as a friend."
Someone bumped into me, and carried on their way, laughing with his friend. Laughter seemed so strange while my private hell was turning inside out.
