In the middle of the night, I shot up in bed, scared out of my breath. Something had startled me awake, but I wasn't sure what yet because I was still groggy. I looked around my dark room, searching for what had woke me up.

Something knocked against my window. Swinging my legs from under the covers, I glanced outside and saw Chris. Relief flooded over me as I went to open the window for him.

"Jesus Murphy, you scared the shit out of me," I scolded when the window was open. I didn't wait for him to crawl inside and jump down onto my desk (my room was on the bottom floor); I just rubbed my eyes and dove back under my warm blankets.

He managed to get inside without falling. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

The sleep clouding my mind began to clear up and I flicked on the lamp next to my bed. "What happened?" I demanded.

"Nothing," he said dismissively.

"Felt like going for a walk around my room at three in the morning?"

He nodded and I saw a horrible pain in his eyes. I opened my arms to him and he collapsed into them, curling up almost in a fetal position on my bed.

"I'm sorry for waking you up," he murmured, his voice muffled. He had his face buried in the crook of my arm. "At least it's not a school night."

"I don't care, Chris," I said. "It must have been pretty awful if you had to come here. It's okay. Okay?"

"Sometimes he just gets to be too much."

"Your father?"

He said nothing. But that was enough.

I moved to spread the comforter over his legs. "Here, put this over you." His clothes were soaked. "You're wet."

"It was raining."

"Was it?"

"Couple hours ago."

"Then why are you still so wet?"

"He wouldn't let me inside."

"Oh." White-hot anger invaded my whole body. I felt so stupidly helpless because I couldn't do a thing for him. "Stay here, okay? I'm going to go borrow some clothes from Gordie for you to change into."

"They'll be too small," he mumbled. He was tired.

"They'll do for tonight." I kissed the top of head and helped him sit up straight so I could get up. "Entertain yourself with whatever you find in here."

Slipping silently through the hallway and up the stairs to Gordie's room, I carefully pushed open his door. I tried to make it to his closet without waking him up, but I stubbed my toe on what looked like either a roll of toilet paper or a baseball-it was too dark to tell-and he groaned wearily, rolling over. He sat up, startled.

"It's just me Gordie," I whispered. "It's okay."

"What are you doing?"

"Stealing your clothes."

"What the hell for?"

"Chris."

"Turn on the light, I'd like to glare at you evilly but my eyes aren't adjusting to the dark."

I fumbled for the switch and turned the light on. I walked to the closet and fished around for some clothes.

"Toby. What the fuck?"

"I think Chris' dad threw him out or something. At least that's what I think, he was mumbling."

"He's in the house?"

"He's in my room," I said. "He knocked on my window and I let him in. He's wet from the rain, so can he borrow something dry to wear?"

"Yeah," Gordie said, getting out of bed and walking to his dresser. He pulled out a plain white T-shirt and some cotton athletic shorts. "He's never done this before. He usually just sticks it out. He's never came here for a place to stay the night. It must have been bad. Really bad."

I nodded. "I want him to be okay."

"So do I." He handed me the clothes. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then I'll come see what's going on, okay?"

"Thanks Gordie." I smiled at him and crept back to my room. "Chris, here's some dry clothes for you."

Getting closer to him, I saw that he was asleep. But he was shivering, so I knew he had to get out of the clothes he was in. I didn't want him to get sick. Touching his arm gently, I tried to gently shake him awake. Eventually, his eyelashes fluttered, and he looked up at me, but I don't think he really focused on me.

"Tired," he murmured.

"I know, Chris," I whispered back. "But you're going to get sick if you don't put something dry on."

"I'm good." His words were slurred together. I knew he just wanted to sleep, and I left him alone when his eyes closed again. I waited for Gordie.

Finally, Gordie poked his head in cautiously first and then entered my room. "You let him fall asleep?" he demanded softly and sharply.

"Well, he's sleepy," I protested, shoving the clothes into his hands. "YOU try to make him get dressed."

"Fine." He gave me an impertinent look and then walked over to Chris. "Hey. Buddy, wake up. Shit, you're cold," he observed as he touched Chris' arm. "You're gonna freeze your balls off if you don't put some clothes on."

I smirked.

"God, the things I do for my friends," Gordie grumbled grumpily. He took Chris by the arm and dragged him into a sitting position.

"I'll wait in the hall."

Gordie came out about a minute later. "My God, Toby, your boyfriend has abs like you would BELIEVE."

I laughed. "Don't I know it."

Sometimes I really liked my cousin. This was one of those times. I looked at him benevolently and said, "Goodnight Gordie. Thanks for your help."

"Sure," he said. "I didn't do it for you anyway, I did it for Chris. I'd never do anything nice for you, jeez, what do you take me for?"

"I won't answer that because I actually like you right now and don't want to ruin it," I said. I closed the door on him.

With his eyes closed and his body curled up tightly, I was amazed at how peaceful Chris finally looked. I wanted to hold him. Even years later, I would remember exactly what he looked like as he slept soundlessly, and I would remember exactly how I felt at that moment. The desire to take care of him and erase every scar and every bruise he had was overwhelming. That was my first real moment of selflessness. I grew up a little, watching him sleep. I never really forgot that.

Pulling the comforter up to his chin, I kissed his cheek and lingered for a long time, breathing him in. I turned off the light and left the room.