Disclaimer: The story you are about to read is fictuitous. The names have been changed

to protect the ignorant. No grilled cheese sandwiches were harmed in the making of this

fic. This fic should not be read or handled by children under the age of 17, pregnant

women, women who are trying to become pregnant, or males with narrow urethras. It is

also not advised that you read this while smoking a friggin' cannon, snorting blow, or just

plain getting plastered, for it may interfere with the enjoyment of this fic. Void where

prohibited and Mississippi. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no

play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no

play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no

play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

*WHACK*

Sorry. Now then, "Dragonball Z" and its characters are registered trademarks belonging

to FUNimation, Inc. "Tenchi Muyo!" and its characters are also trademarks of Pioneer

and AIC. "Sonic the Hedgehog", its characters, and its games belong to SEGA. TOM and

the Absolution belong to (as far as I know) Cartoon Network and Time Warner. MST3K

is a registered trademark of Best Brains, Inc. Dalax belongs to Dalax Dawnbreak. Ryu

and Trigger belong to Darax the Hedgehog. Ashura, Crystallis, and

Seiyuka belong to my good buddie, Ashura Hedgehog. Merc, Sara and Sabian belong to

my friend, MercStar. Angel owns herself, so watch your ass. Jerrod, Jim, Mr. Silverfish,

and the MST Antarctica belong to me, and ME alone. Now then... ON WITH THE

FREAKIN' FIC!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------

Jerrod the Lone Outlaw presents...

In association with Ashura Hedgehog and MercStar...

ALL ABOAAAAAAAAARD! HA HA HA HA!

*CUE HEAVY METAL MUSIC*

Jerrod and Jim SINS of the PENGUIN



Crazy, but that's how it goes Millions of people living as foes Maybe it's not to late To learn how to love And forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing Life's a bitter shame I'm going off the rails on a crazy train I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

I've listened to preachers I've listened to fools I've watched all the dropouts Who make their own rules One person conditioned to rule and control The media sells it and you live the role

Mental wounds still screaming Driving me insane I'm going off the rails on a crazy train I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

I know that things are going wrong for me You gotta listen to my words Yeah-h Yeah!

Heirs of a cold war That's what we've become Inheriting troubles I'm mentally numb Crazy, I just cannot bear I'm living with something that just isn't fair

Mental wounds not healing Who and what's to blame I'm going off the rails on a crazy train I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Ozzy Osbourne "Crazy Train" Blizzard Of Ozz

===============================================================

Episode II "Running the Gauntlet" =============================================================== [Dateline: The Absolution]

Ashura Hedgehog and his girlfriend, Crystallis, are sitting together on a couch in the ship's lounge area. Ashura has his head rested on Crystallis's lap, while she strokes the quills on the top of his head.

Ashura: Crysty, you think that Jim'll make the right choice?

Crystallis: I should hope so...I mean, it was his fault this all happened and he needs to fix it himself. Don't worry yourself, Ashura...

Ashura: Yeah...but, I'm scared he'll just make it even worse even IF he comes here to fix it...

Suddenly, the room is engulfed in a flash of white light, and Jerrod the Lone Outlaw appears in the center of the room with the P.I.T.A. in his hand.

Jerrod: (dazed) Whoa... Cool. @.@

Crysty: (smiling) Jerrod! Welcome back!

Ashura: (glaring at Jerrod) Alright, Outlaw, where's the penguin?!

Jerrod: (spooked) YEEP!

Jerrod jumps back about three feet, his hands up in a defensive position. Crystallis turns and glares at Ashura.

Crysty: Ashura! That's not how to speak to someone we haven't seen in the longest time!

Ashura: Grrr...sorry, Jer...

Jerrod: (lowering hands) Uh, sure, dude... Waitaminute...

Jerrod starts looking around frantically.

Uh-oh. O_O

Crysty: What's wrong?

Jerrod: (freaking out) AAAAGH! WHERE'S JIM?! O_O

Ashura: What do you mean, "Where's Jim?" Isn't he with you?

Jerrod: (looking underneath a mini-fridge) He WAS when I teleported here!

Ashura: Teleported?! I don't seem to remember you being able to do that.

Crysty: 'Sides, I thought that little king kid was the one who did the teleporting.

Jerrod: (looks at the two hedgehogs) Yeah, well, we got a new crewmember who's a rookie MSTer and a mad scientist...

Jerrod scowls at the P.I.T.A.

... And apparently, he needs to do some more work on this damn thing! _

Ashura: He? (goes wide-eyed) Oh, God... O_O

Crysty: (to Ash) What is it?

Ashura: (to Jerrod) Uh, this guy wouldn't happen to have this little gold robot following him everywhere, by any chance?

Jerrod: Yeah! How'd you know?

Ashura hides his face in his hands and sighs.

Ashura: Washu once told me about him. He's a major perv, and a little absent-minded. -_-

Jerrod: Ho-boy. o_o'

Crysty: (worried) This is bad.

Ashura looks at Crystallis and nods.

Ashura: Very bad.

Jerrod: I really gotta start doin' background checks on the crewmembers. But first, let's see if I can figure out what the hell went wrong, here.

Jerrod starts fiddling with the dials and knobs on the Portable Interdimentional Transportation Device. Finally, he stumbles upon something.

Hey, alright! Looks like this thing's got a record of everywhere it's sent people!

Ashura: Great! Now, where'd that little fuzzball run off to?

Jerrod: (examining the record) Well, according to this, Jim's molecular pattern got reflected off of a small ID rift, and he wound up in another section of the ship.

Crystallis: Which section?

Jerrod: Well, it say he wound up on Deck 3, Room 12.

Ashura & Crysty: DID YOU SAY 3-12?! O_O

Jerrod: *blink blink* Uh, yeah. Is that bad?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =- [Meanwhile...]

Inside 3-12, a hot shower is being run. While steam rising from the falling water makes visibility slightly blurry, an all-to-familiar (and completely drenched) penguin can be seen standing underneath the falling stream of water.

Jim: (confused, looking around) What... the...? O-O

Jim the Talking Penguin pulls back the shower curtain and exits the shower. He shakes himself as dry as possible before looking around the room. In one corner there is a small vase filled with flowers, a potpourri dish sitting atop the toilet seat, and an assortment of feminine bathroom products on the sink.

Jim: Where the hell am I at, a friggin' "Bath & Body Works"?

He then spies a small hamper filled with women's undergarments.

Jim: WOO HOO! Make that a "Victoria's Secret"! :)

At that moment, he hears voices from outside the door.

Jim: EEP! Oh, boy! I forgot all about the "No Penguins" policy at these stores! (looks upward) Thanks a HEAP, Grandpa Phil!

The door slowly begins to open. Thinking quickly, Jim jumps back into the shower and draws the curtain shut. The door opens, and a towel-clad Princess Ayeka walks in with "lufa" in one hand and a bottle of showel gel in the other.

Ayeka: (tired) *sigh* What a week this has been. All the fighting, the destruction... -_-

She walks over to the shower curtain.

On the bright side, at least I can finally take a shower. *giggle* After all that work, I probably smell like the inside of a hen house! ^_^

Ayeka opens up the shower curtain, and comes face-to-face with a soaking wet Jim the Talking Penguin!

Ayeka: ... O_O*

Jim: (extremely nervous) Ehhh, heh heh heh. Um... Hello! ^-^'

Ayeka: (tries to cover herself) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! O_O

Jim: (spooked) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! O_O

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-

[Outside 3-12 (labeled "Ayeka's Bathroom")]

Jim & Ayeka (O.S.): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-

[Back in the lounge...]

Jerrod: (apprehensive) Please tell me that wasn't what I think it was. _

Ashura & Crysty: 'Fraid so. -_-

Jerrod ruefully hangs his head down.

Jerrod: (mumbling) Muthafuck... -_-

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =- [Elsewhere...]

Sabian Starwalker is sitting on the floor in one of the hallways on Deck 3, polishing a Type-31 Photon Rifle, complete with a Lazer-vison (tm) scope, auto-recharge, and a chrome finish. He appears to be seething with anger.

Sabian: (talking to himself) I swear, when I find that bird, he's gonna be REAL sorry that he ever even LOOKED at Sara!

Suddenly...

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!*

Sabian: (looks around) What the hell?! O_O

Sabian jumps up and runs to the source of the screams.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-

[Currently...]

In Ayeka's bathroom, the Crown Princess of the planet Jurai has Jim by the shirt collar and is proceeding to shake him like a British nanny.

Ayeka: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING HERE, YOU DEGENERATE?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT SORT OF TROUBLE YOU HAVE CAUSED ME?!! ~_~

Jim: I-I-I WANTED T-TO TRY A-A-AND RE-RE-RE-RECTIFY THE SITUA-A-A-TION-N- N-N!!! @-@

Just then, Sabian breaks down the door...

*CRASH*

...and points his photon rifle into the room.

Sabian: Okay, where's the fire?!

Ayeka, startled, drops Jim on his keester and tries to once again cover herself.

Ayeka: Sabian! (points to Jim) HE was in my SHOWER!!

Jim: (disoriented) Oooooog. @_@

Sabian looks down at Jim. His eyes begin to glow red with rage...

Sabian: You...! \_/

Jim looks up at Sabian. His expression turns to one of a mixture of fear and nervousness. He smiles sheepishly and gives Sabian a slight wave with his right flipper.

Jim: Eh, heh heh heh... Um, hiya, Sab. Uhm.... I, uh... hear you, uh, had a problem with the video? ^~^'''

Sabian puts the photon rifle away and quickly replaces it with an obscenely- large Molecular Disintegration Cannon, complete with a side-mounted gattling gun, a bayonet, and a Lazer-vision (tm) scope on top.

Sabian: (P.O.'ed to the MAX) I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR ASS TO HELL, YOU HOMEWRECKING SONUVABITCH!!! _

Jim: (freakin' out) YEEEEEEK!!! O-O

With speed never before accomplished by anyone short of Sonic the Hedgehog himself, Jim bolts past Sabian and out the door. The Space Knight immediately gives chase.

Sabian: (running after Jim) HEY! GET BACK HERE!!

Jim: (shaking his head) NUH-UH! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-

[Elsewhere on the ship...]

Amy Rose is bringing an ice pack to her "boyfriend", Sonic the Hedgehog, who is currently sitting at a nearby kitchen table. His expression resembles that of a frat guy after a weekend long drinking binge.

Amy: (places the ice pack on Sonic's head) Here you go, Sonic:

Sonic: ("zonked", holds ice pack on top of head w/ left hand) Uuuuuuugh... -_-

Amy: I take it the Ibuprofen is starting to kick in?

Sonic: You could say that, yeah... -_-

Sonic then plops his head down on the table and lets out a long, hard sigh. Amy Rose sympathetically pats him on the back.

Suddenly, several loud crashes grab Amy's attention. Seconds later, Jim runs into the room and starts running circles (literally) around Amy Rose and the semi-comatose Sonic. Sabian is right on his heels, wielding the M.D.C. in the air like a homicidal madman (which, at the moment, he is).

Jim: Get AWAY from me with that thing!!!! O-O

Sabian: HEEEEEERE, BIRDY, BIRDY, BIRDY!!! @_@

Amy: HEY! GUYS!

Sabian and Jim stop and look at her.

Could you do that somewhere else, please? (points to Sonic, head still down on the table)

Sabian and Jim look at each other, then tiptoe out of the room and resume the chase. Loud crashes and bangs can be heard.

Sonic: (slurring speech) Who wuz that, Amzder?-_-

Amy sits down in an empty chair and starts rubbing the back of Sonic's neck.

Amy: (smiling softly) Oh, just Sabian chasing Jim around with some sort of really big gun.

Sonic: Thad'z nice. -_-

Amy continues to rubs Sonic's neck for about five more seconds, until...

*CLICK*

Sonic and Amy jump up and look at each other, wide-eyed.

Sonic & Amy: SABIAN CHASING JIM WITH A REALLY BIG GUN?!?! O_O

Sonic staggers out the room and down the hallway, with Amy close behind him.

Sonic: When did THAT little beaked perv get here?! _

Amy: Doesn't anybody tell us ANYTHING around here?! _ -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-

[Meanwhile...]

Jim continues running down the hallway. He is looking left and right, trying to find some means of escape.

Jim: Jeeeeez, where's a fire exit when you need one? - -

Out of the corner of his eye, Jim spies a possible exit and makes a break for it. He makes a sharp right. He comes upon an automatic door, which opens up as the penguin gets close enough to it. He darts in...

SANCTUARY! ^-^

... and falls down, what turns out to be, an elevator shaft!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! O-O

Sabian stops at the doorway and watches the flightless bird plummet to his possible demise.

Sabian: (looking down the shaft) Aww, dammit! I wanted to kill 'em.

TO BE CONTINUED...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Author's notes]

Eh, heh heh heh. Sorry for the long wait, people.

Jim: "SORRY"?! "SORRY"?!?! You have us all wait, what? Two... Two-and-a- half MONTHS just so you can end this stupid chapter on a damn cliffhanger?!

Oh, now don't YOU start with me, Jim!

Jim: I swear, man. I mean, I can totally understand that you took an extended leave of absince for personal reasons, but what about ME, huh?! What about Jim?!

*sigh*

Jim: I mean, am I gonna live? Are you killin' me off? C'MON!

ANYWAYS, I'm back now, and I'll try and do better on getting more chapters up on time.

Jim: Oh, you had better... -

Dammit, Jim! Will you get outta here?!

Jim (walking away): Fine! I'm goin', I'm goin'! Sheesh, you try and voice an opinion, and "The Man" shuts you down...

Um, righhhhhhhhhhht. Well, I guess I'll see you people later. Oh! I'd like to thank Ashura Hedgehog and MercStar for helpin' me out with this. They were a HUMONGOUS help. Now, be a sweety and go read some of their fics, okay? Ketchup, out!

===============================================================

Jerrod and Jim will return in... Jerrod and Jim SINS of the PENGUIN

Episode III: "Vigilante Justice!"