The Depths of a Black Haze
by Eternally 1x2
and
Mystical 1x2
Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. Nor do we own the songs "Parable" and "Parabola". They belong to Tool.
Authors' Note: For this songfic, we have combined two of Tool's songs. They kind of go together, anyway…
Warnings: Shounen ai, OOC, and lots of angst!
Chapter Four: Parable/Parabola
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm,
This one, this form I hold now
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild
Heero sat at a window in the huge parlor of Quatre's estate. He was left alone to his thoughts of seeing Duo once more. Though very far from his personality, he was actually very excited. Since the moment he arrived at the immaculate estate and Trowa had informed him that Duo would be attending, all fear of rejection he abandoned. Deep in his heart, he knew Duo was the one for him – no question about it. He had never felt love before, but he was positive he loved the beautiful boy. He regretted not trying to see or contact Duo after the war. But that was all going to change. He was going to prove to Duo that he truly did care.
We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.
He had been sitting at the window almost constantly for nearly two weeks. Wufei had made it to the estate only days after him. So Duo was the last to arrive much to Heero's surprise. And to top it off, the wedding was tomorrow. But Duo couldn't miss the wedding…he wouldn't. Duo wasn't the type to turn this kind of stuff down. No, he had to arrive. Heero gazed out the glass hoping to see that bright smile and long, beautiful hair. He had so much he wanted to say…so much he wanted to confess. Heero had also been very worried about the other pilot since that phone call. It just didn't sound like Duo.
Heero sighed and rested his chin in his palm. He didn't want to think about that conversation. Duo's voice had disturbed him greatly. It was as if a whole other person had been on that line. Duo had sounded so depressed – so downtrodden. But when he arrived, Heero knew he would make sure Duo was happy. He wanted to take hold of the other boy and never let go.
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
He had something special planned for Duo the night after Trowa and Quatre's wedding. A beautiful candlelight dinner meant just for the two of them. It would be perfect so as to set the mood for afterwards when Heero would pull out a ring. The Japanese boy played the scenario in his mind. He would pull out a ring and kneel in front of Duo. Then, with his heart brimming over in love and devotion, Heero would ask Duo to marry him. His only hope was that Duo would say accept…
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
Duo grasped the sole picture he had of Heero…the same one where Heero looked as if he were ready to kill. He glanced out the taxi cab window as it neared the Winner Estate and wondered why he chosen to go at all. Trowa's simple plea meant nothing to him…Quatre's biting words still stung his ears. He knew deep in his soul that the others did not care if were there. He would probably be ignored anyway…so what was the point of going? Quatre had been right – he was jealous. He would never feel the love Quatre and Trowa shared. No matter how much he yearned to feel that same affection from Heero, he knew it just wouldn't happen . God, how it burned his soul.
Alive
This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
He made sure that he would arrive just a day before the wedding. He didn't want to spend too much time with other pilots; the last thing he wanted was for Heero to see him for who he really was now. Duo pulled a sleeve up. The once fair and flawless skin was covered with fresh cuts. Scared, nervous, and hurt, Duo had just about shredded his arm before leaving for the Winner Estate. Old scars were now hidden by the new gashes. Duo sighed sadly and covered his arm once more. If Heero saw those wounds – or any if any of the other pilots saw those wounds, they would think he was a freak. Which, Duo concluded, he was. But he didn't want to hear it from the others' mouths.
Duo chose that moment to look out the window of the taxicab. The driver had just turned into the huge driveway of the Winner residence. It was a long, white-paved road that led to a circular area at which the massive mansion sat. Duo didn't know what to do; he hadn't expected to arrive so soon. He wasn't ready to face the others just yet. He wasn't ready to see the happy couple wed. It was even too hard to think about. The immense jealousy he felt – the anger, the hurt – it all boiled down to this moment. He wasn't quite sure how he would react when seeing the others. Should he put up a front? Put on that Duo Maxwell smile and act as if everything was okay? The answer was most definitely yes.
The taxicab came to a halt at the end of the long entranceway, and just below a set of wide stairs leading to the mansion. Duo paid the taxi driver and got out of the cab, carrying a small backpack filled with clothes. He gazed up the stairway at the huge building before him. The cab drove off leaving Duo alone and dreading – unsure if whether he should ascend those steps or not.
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing
chance to be alive and breathing
Heero practically jumped up in excitement when he saw the familiar boy climb out of the cab. He watched as Duo looked up at the stairs before him as if he were unsure of something. Then in almost slow motion, he took each step one at a time. Heero watched avidly, forcing himself not to run to the door before Duo could even finish climbing the concrete stairs. And when Duo reached that final step, it took almost all of what Heero had not to race to that front door.
But he did want to greet the beautiful longhaired boy, so carefully he made his way to the door. Waiting for the doorbell to ring, he opened the massive entranceway and beheld the beauty before him. It had been three years since he had last seen that gorgeous face…those bright eyes…that magnificent hair.
And Duo was just as beautiful as ever, but there was something different about him. He wore baggy clothes and his eyes didn't hold that same glittery gleam they used to. But it was Duo, and to Heero, that was all that mattered.
Duo himself was shocked to see Heero standing before him. He knew at that moment, he wasn't ready to see the other pilots. He just couldn't. He wanted to run, but knew deep inside that hiding would be impossible. So with as much courage as he could muster, Duo smiled…it was hard. He hadn't smiled in so long…but he needed to conceal his heart with that smile. Heero could never see the true Duo.
"Duo," Heero finally spoke, "please come in. We were wondering when you'd arrive." The Japanese pilot stepped out of the way so Duo could enter. Duo walked over the threshold almost timidly, but yet holding on to that faint smile.
The American boy took a good look at Heero. The other pilot had changed quite a bit. He was taller and beautifully muscled. But he still had those incredible cobalt eyes…
Duo looked away. He just couldn't gaze into those eyes. If he did, Heero may see the truth Duo was so desperately trying to cover in his.
Heero smiled. "I'm so glad you could come, Duo. I-" He stopped himself from saying 'I'm happy to see you.' He wasn't ready to give the other boy any hints just yet.
'Why?' Duo's mind screamed to Heero's spoken question. It was a lie…it had to have been. But instead of speaking, he just smiled slightly and nodded.
Heero's heart sank. Duo hadn't said one word…that wasn't like him. "Duo, is everything okay?" He took a few steps closer to the other boy hoping to meet his eyes. Duo just stared at the ground.
"Yeah, everything's fine." He mumbled.
That was not the truth. Heero could hear the anxiety and falseness in Duo's usually perky voice. "No…" Heero whispered. "It certainly doesn't sound like it…"
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Heero knew he was taking a chance, but as gently as possible, he lifted the longhaired boy's chin. Duo's body tensed at Heero's touch, but still he refused to meet Heero's eyes. "Duo, why won't you look at me?"
Embrace this moment. Remember we are eternal
"Stop, Heero. I'm fine." Duo realized Heero was suspicious. He couldn't let Heero find his pain.
"No, it's not. I thought you never lied, Duo. You're not telling me the truth – that's very obvious." Heero snapped back taking his hand away from Duo's chin. The American pilot felt as if he was going to cry. Heero was right.
"The way you sounded on the phone…Duo, I told you Quatre was just excited. He didn't mean-"
"I don't give a damn!" Duo shot back, still avoiding Heero's eyes. "I told you everything was fine, Heero. Can't we just leave it at that?"
All this pain is an illusion
Heero didn't know what to say. Duo was not telling him the truth. Frustrated, he reached for Duo's lower arm and squeezed gently. It was a soft squeeze, but what Heero saw was a look of pain across Duo's face. The other boy hissed as Heero held on. The other boy was confused. Heero took Duo's hand and reached for the boy's sleeve. Duo's eyes became wide with horror as he realized that any moment Heero would find the bloody gashes across his wrist.
***
Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical 1x2
