The Depths of a Black Haze

by Star Kindler

and

Duo's Chick

Chapter One: Make Me Bad

Disclaimer: We don't own GW…never have and never will…

Warnings: Yaoi, *MAJOR ANGST*

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I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation

There's so much shit around me

Such a lack of compassion

Just another day. No point. Life just goes on, and I feel nothing. And haven't for a long time.

It's the same routine over and over. Get up. Sit around all day. Do absolutely nothing. Go back to sleep.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to do anything. It's just that I don't have the heart to.

My life is clearly pointless. No one loves me, let alone cares for me. I haven't heard from any of the pilots since the war ended. It doesn't surprise me. However, I do wish that one of them would at least call.

Especially Heero.

I thought it would be fun and games

(It would be fun and games)

Instead it's all the same

(It's all the same)

I need something to do

Need to feel the sickness

In you

Why couldn't he see the signs? I thought I had made it pretty obvious to Heero that I loved him. Even the glances I cast in his direction spoke louder than words. Yet, Heero failed to notice. Or, maybe, just maybe, he hated me so much that he chose to ignore me.

My guess is that he did hate me.

I don't blame him, though. I'm a good-for-nothing. A total failure. Heero would just be wasting his time with a lowlife like me.

I feel the reason, as it's leaving me

No, not again

It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh

Make me bad

I sigh dejectedly, reaching for the bottle of whiskey sitting on the small table next to the couch. I take a drink, smiling sullenly as I feel the alcohol warm my belly. This whiskey is the only thing that's occupied my stomach in the past few days. I haven't had any food at all…well, maybe a few pieces of bread or a saltine cracker here and there. It's funny…I'm as thin as a stick, but I can last at least five days without any food.

Any one of my comrades would be surprised with how much weight I've lost. I was thin then-they should see me now. My eyes are sunken in, and there are parts of my body where you can clearly see my bones. But it's nothing some baggy clothes won't fix. All in all, I look like a living skeleton.

I place the bottle back down and take a look around my place. I used to be proud of my apartment when I first moved in here. But now, I have nothing to be proud of. This place is a mess. It looks like a tornado hit it. Empty beer bottles lay around, along with other things-mainly objects I put to good use.

Objects which I use to inflict pain upon myself.

All I do is look for you

I need a fix

You need it too

Just to get some sort of attention

Attention

If there's anything I enjoy about my life right now, it's the pain. I know that may sound odd, but it's the truth. The pain is like a drug for me. There aren't enough words to describe the rush I feel everytime I feel the pain course throughout my body. It makes me feel complete. This may sound ironic, but for every ounce of pain comes twice as much pleasure.

But who the hell am I fooling? The little pleasure I do feel from time to time quickly vanishes as I remember my miserable life. There isn't anything anybody can do that will change the fact that my life is a living hell.

I might as well be dead.

Technically, I already am.

What does it mean to you?

To me, it's something I just do

I want something

I need to feel the sickness in you

Sadly, I stand up and make my way over to my bedroom, which consists of a bed, one picture, and nothing else. Sighing, I flop down onto my bed and pick the picture up. It's one of me and Heero right before the war ended. I'm smiling, and I have my arm slung playfully around his shoulders. Instead of looking at the camera, Heero's glaring at me, looking as if he would murder me if he could get away with it. I let out a long breath I'd been holding in and buried my face in my hands.

I always knew Heero hated me.

I feel the reason, as it's leaving me

No, not again

It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh

Make me bad

I lie back, staring at the ceiling. What kind of crummy life was this? I did not deserve to live. I wanted my miserable, horrible life to end already.

I turned onto my side, and cried myself to sleep.

***

Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Duo's Chick and Star Kindler