The Depths of a Black Haze
by Star Kindler
and
Duo's Chick
Chapter One: Make Me Bad
Disclaimer: We don't own GW…never have and never will…
Warnings: Yaoi, *MAJOR ANGST*
***
I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation
There's so much shit around me
Such a lack of compassion
Just another day. No point. Life just goes on, and I feel nothing. And
haven't for a long time.
It's the same routine over and over. Get up. Sit around all day. Do absolutely
nothing. Go back to sleep.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to do anything. It's just that I
don't have the heart to.
My life is clearly pointless. No one loves me, let alone cares for me. I
haven't heard from any of the pilots since the war ended. It doesn't surprise
me. However, I do wish that one of them would at least call.
Especially Heero.
I thought it would be fun and games
(It would be fun and games)
Instead it's all the same
(It's all the same)
I need something to do
Need to feel the sickness
In you
Why couldn't he see the signs? I thought I had made it pretty obvious to
Heero that I loved him. Even the glances I cast in his direction spoke louder
than words. Yet, Heero failed to notice. Or, maybe, just maybe, he hated me so
much that he chose to ignore me.
My guess is that he did hate me.
I don't blame him, though. I'm a good-for-nothing. A total failure. Heero would
just be wasting his time with a lowlife like me.
I feel the reason, as it's leaving me
No, not again
It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh
Make me bad
I sigh dejectedly, reaching for the bottle of whiskey sitting on the small
table next to the couch. I take a drink, smiling sullenly as I feel the alcohol
warm my belly. This whiskey is the only thing that's occupied my stomach in the
past few days. I haven't had any food at all…well, maybe a few pieces of bread
or a saltine cracker here and there. It's funny…I'm as thin as a stick, but I
can last at least five days without any food.
Any one of my comrades would be surprised with how much weight I've lost. I was
thin then-they should see me now. My eyes are sunken in, and there are parts of
my body where you can clearly see my bones. But it's nothing some baggy clothes
won't fix. All in all, I look like a living skeleton.
I place the bottle back down and take a look around my place. I used to be
proud of my apartment when I first moved in here. But now, I have nothing to be
proud of. This place is a mess. It looks like a tornado hit it. Empty beer
bottles lay around, along with other things-mainly objects I put to good use.
Objects which I use to inflict pain upon myself.
All I do is look for you
I need a fix
You need it too
Just to get some sort of attention
Attention
If there's anything I enjoy about my life right now, it's the pain. I know
that may sound odd, but it's the truth. The pain is like a drug for me. There
aren't enough words to describe the rush I feel everytime I feel the pain
course throughout my body. It makes me feel complete. This may sound ironic,
but for every ounce of pain comes twice as much pleasure.
But who the hell am I fooling? The little pleasure I do feel from time to time
quickly vanishes as I remember my miserable life. There isn't anything anybody
can do that will change the fact that my life is a living hell.
I might as well be dead.
Technically, I already am.
What does it mean to you?
To me, it's something I just do
I want something
I need to feel the sickness in you
Sadly, I stand up and make my way over to my bedroom, which consists of a
bed, one picture, and nothing else. Sighing, I flop down onto my bed and pick
the picture up. It's one of me and Heero right before the war ended. I'm
smiling, and I have my arm slung playfully around his shoulders. Instead of
looking at the camera, Heero's glaring at me, looking as if he would murder me
if he could get away with it. I let out a long breath I'd been holding in and
buried my face in my hands.
I always knew Heero hated me.
I feel the reason, as it's leaving me
No, not again
It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh
Make me bad
I lie back, staring at the ceiling. What kind of crummy life was this? I did
not deserve to live. I wanted my miserable, horrible life to end already.
I turned onto my side, and cried myself to sleep.
***
Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Duo's Chick and Star Kindler
