The Depths of a Black Haze
by Eternally 1x2
and
Mystical 1x2
Disclaimer: We don't own GW. Nor do we own the song "It's Come To This". That belongs to Fuel.
Warnings: Shounen ai, angst, OOC
Chapter Six: It's Come To This
***
And I found my head uncrowned and all life's sweet nectar flowing down
the cracks and seams wasted on some petty little prayers
And I
reached up for despair but I was well below that cherished stage
And all my mangled hopes all songs unsung
The first thing Duo felt was the pain – agony bombarded his head as he awoke slowly. Steadily coming out of the drunken sleep, Duo sat up and felt the pain intensify. Groaning, he held his head in his hands in order to help ease the pain. 'Oh, god, where the hell am I?' He questioned himself as he carefully lifted his head and took a look around. The bright morning sun shone brightly through the large windows. The beaming rays graced the elaborate room nicely.
'Quatre's house…' Duo realized with shock. 'And the party…shit, how much did I drink last night? How did I end up back in the bedroom?' He couldn't remember one thing about the previous night. What if he had given his secret away?
Glancing around, he realized he was on a perfectly made bed wearing the same clothes he had the evening before. That was a relief. Perhaps he had just wandered to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed. But at this moment, it really didn't matter. His head was pounding, and he knew he needed some aspirin. Climbing off the bed – carefully as to not cause his head anymore pain – he crossed the room to where his backpack sat on a chair. Hoping to find some pain killers, he dug through the clothes, and found that he had not packed any. Pulling out a new set of clothes, Duo changed, deciding to ask Quatre where the aspirin was. The house was huge; it would take forever to locate a tiny bottle in this place.
Sluggishly, Duo left the room in search of Quatre and the others. He headed toward the dining area figuring that was where he and the other pilots were.
I fear I've wasted all my sun
I fear I've wasted all my time
Everything is faded
Smiles are fabricated now
Duo crept through the large house seeking the other pilots. His head ached with each agonizing step. He was still a bit hung over from the alcoholic binge, and terrified out of his mind at what the others probably thought of him. Especially of what Heero thought…But the alcohol drowned his depression – his immense sorrow. For awhile anyway. He usually awoke from the alcohol-induced sleep more despondent than ever; and this morning was no particular exception.
He descended the illustrious front staircase and walked toward the dining room. The room was visible just at the end of the dark corridor. He could easily see the other pilots gathered at the end of large table talking amongst themselves. From the doorway, he couldn't quite make out what they were saying, that is, until his name was mentioned. And it wasn't directed to him. Wanting to listen in, he hid just outside the door and remained quiet.
I fear I've wasted all my sun
I fear I've wasted all my time
Held my eyes closed for too long
Heero sighed and propped his head against his fist. He was still terribly worried about Duo; Heero had never seen one consume so much alcohol in a short period of time. No doubt the other boy would be suffering from a killer of hang over once he woke up. And sadly, the other pilots had also noticed the abnormal behavior. The others seemed shocked and even a little disgusted from what was said. Heero chose not to contribute, for he was more worried than shocked. The others, however, continued with the conversation, oblivious to the fact that Duo was standing close by and listening.
"I just couldn't believe how much alcohol Duo had last night. He was passed out before the party ended." Quatre mentioned freely.
"It was repulsive." Wufei contributed without emotion. From behind the door, Duo cringed.
"He got a little carried away; that's all. I'll admit it was unlike him, but you know how Duo gets caught up in things…" Heero glanced across the table at Trowa, glad that someone had decided to defend Duo.
"I'll repeat. It was repulsive. The fact that he was so drunk he had to be carried to his room was just sick." He shot a glance at Heero who glared back; unsure of what Wufei would say next. "He is a disgrace to us as gundam pilots and shouldn't have been invited." Heero almost jumped from his seat in anger. He wanted to wrap his hands around Wufei's neck. But for some reason unbeknownst to him, he did not move. The other two let the remark go and continued with the conversation as Heero remained completely silent, anger slowly building inside him.
Duo thought his heart had stopped beating as the bitter words left Wufei's lips. His knees became weak, and his stomach wrapped in knots. It was true. He had made a fool of himself the previous night…and the others thought he was a loser. Heero didn't even defend him – not one word in his defense. The longhaired boy felt tears seep from his large, violet eyes. No one loved him. No one cared.
And I ran out through the streets in hopes that I might find it there
but all my buildings stared back at me tenantless and bare
and I
reached up for the sky, but it always seemed so far away
transcendent thoughts you gave lie atrophied and broken
His head pounded in utter agony as he realized what he had to do. Anger, sorrow and every other bitter emotion warped his mind it terrible ways. Every painful feeling he had ever endured in course of his lifetime returned and suffocated his body. His stomach churned…his hands balled into fists…he felt a lump in his throat. He wanted to scream. He could have cried. But most of all, he wanted to lash out. He wanted revenge for the hateful words uttered just moments before. Not on Wufei, no, but on himself instead. Wufei had stated a mere fact, for Duo knew it was the truth. As he stood in that dark corridor, he knew the reality of the situation. He was a disgrace – not just to the gundam pilots, but to the human race.
Pain and anger boiled inside. He knew deep in his heart that this wasn't a way to live. No person should have to endure the pain he was feeling. His head still hurt, as did his heart. And he thought of a way he could ease both forms of pain. Carefully, he listened in on the conversation taking place in the dining room. From the words said, it was obvious the discussion had diverted from Duo altogether. Mustering the courage, Duo took a deep breath and stepped into the dining room. No one noticed his presence.
"Ahem." He cleared his throat. All four heads turned and gaped at the figure in the doorway. Heero gasped to himself. Something didn't seem right…Duo looked worse than the day before. Nevertheless, he remained silent. It was Quatre, ever the polite one, who broke the unbearable stillness.
"Did you want something, Duo?" He stood and smiled courteously.
Duo shifted uneasily in his spot; the harsh stares from three of the pilots did nothing to make him feel any better. He avoided all four pairs of eyes. "Uh…yeah, Quatre. Mind telling me where the aspirin is? I have this killer headache…"
"Wonder why…" Wufei muttered to himself, yet loud enough for the others to hear. Heero cast an angry glance at the Chinese boy, while Duo felt angry tears sting his eyes. His eyes shot to the floor.
Quatre could sense the uneasiness. Quickly he said, "There should be some in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom adjoined to your room."
Duo nodded. "Thanks." He mumbled, and turned to make his leave. The other four pilots watched the braided boy disappear down the hallway. Heero felt his heart sink with each retreating step Duo made. He felt he had to go after him – to find out what was the matter once and for all. But something would not allow him to move.
And I sat when I should have stood; swallowed when I should have spit
until now I only recognize me in pictures taken long ago
and
all the changes simply haunt and never go away
a friend will tell when I hit hell, I may not feel the change
The pills were right where Quatre had said they would be. He peeked inside the container – there weren't many left. He wandered back into his room and sat on the bed. There, he dumped the aspirin on the elaborate comforter. Counting them out, he found there were fifteen left. And from what he read on the bottle, he was not to exceed more than one caplet every eight to twelve hours. He smirked to himself as he picked up a glass of water sitting by the bed.
'Should be enough to get rid of both pains…' He thought as he lifted the first pill to his lips. Taking a gulp of water, he felt it pass through his throat. He repeated the process with each of the capsules – each one bringing him closer to the almost inevitable. Both pains – the physical and the emotional would soon be a thing of the past. As would his life…
The world had gotten too cruel. The truth had become unbearable. He did not shed a tear as he swallowed each caplet…he knew in his heart the pain would be over soon. He also knew deep inside that not a single soul would mourn him when he departed from this callous world.
Held my eyes closed for too long
Held my eyes closed for too long
So close, he thought as the pile diminished. So close to the end of the horrible pain he had endured for far too long. So close…no one should have to lead loveless life…no one should be considered worthless. He knew he was. He knew that's how the others perceived him. His stomach churned as each pill sank down. He stopped as he picked up the final capsule. He had tried give love, but rarely was it ever returned. 'Heero…' He sighed. The one person he loved…the one person he knew could never love him back. How could anyone love someone like him? The tears that stung his eyes earlier had returned and they cascaded down his protruding, pale cheeks.
***
Heero had finally gotten it into his head to check on Duo. He didn't know why, but something was going to happen. He didn't know what, but he had to find out. Duo was not his normal self…something was wrong with him and Heero intended to find out what it was.
He reached Duo's room and gazed at the closed door as if it was an impossible obstruction to pass. Breathing heavily, Heero knocked on Duo's door. No answer came. He knocked a second time. "Duo? Are you in there? Are you all right?" He turned the doorknob and pushed the door open.
From inside, Duo gasped as the opening door revealed a very concerned Heero. The Japanese boy sighed in relief as he saw Duo sitting on the bed. But there was a strange look on his face…
Heero smiled slightly. "I'm sorry, Duo. I don't mean to enter uninvited…I was just worried." Duo said not a word. He remained quiet and glared at Heero cautiously.
Heero's smile faded as he crossed into the room and stepped beside where Duo sat. "Duo? What's the matter with you?" The braided boy's eyes dropped and glanced at the aspirin bottle. Heero's eyes followed Duo's gaze and he gasped as he saw the empty medicine bottle lying on the bed. His glance shot back at Duo's who glared at him bravely.
"Duo…what have you done?" Heero asked, a horrible conclusion came over him.
"It's all over, Heero…" Duo whispered as he lifted the last pill to his lips and swallowed. "It's too late for me…"
Just before I go don't you offer any sweet advice because
where were all your shoulders when I needed them so long ago
and
now with legs weak and weary from this silly dance
with a suitcase full of memories, I pack my bags and slowly drift away
Heero grabbed Duo's shoulders. "Oh, god, please tell me you didn't do what I think you did…" he panicked. He could see the truth in Duo's eyes. He saw the tears fall freely from Duo's eyes.
The American boy nodded, unashamed of his tears. "You were too late, Heero…"
***
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