The Depths of a Black Haze
Eternally 1x2
and
Mystical 1x2
Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. We don't own the song "Redefine" either. That belongs to Seven Dust.
Author's Note: Thanks for the positive reviews! ^_^ But in reference to a few select reviews, this fic is not yet finished. Nope…Seven was not the last chapter…we have several more chapters to come! Mystical1x2 and I would never leave a fic in such a spot as thought by quite a few people! Grr…
*ahem* Anyway, yes, there's more to come. We have all kinds of things planned for this fic. ^_~ -Eternally 1x2
Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, and OOC
Chapter Eight: Redefine
***
Just sit down right here in front of me
I'll let you see
Connect your face to the fist
I'll show you what you can be
Duo's chest rose and fell with each breath as he slept. In the dimness of the hospital room, Heero gazed at the slumbering form with sadness glazed over his eyes. Sure Duo looked peaceful now, but what hell had ruled his life over the past three years?
The effects were obvious Heero noted as his eyes roamed over Duo's body. The most visible was the weight loss. Duo's naturally thin build was thinner than usual. His bones protruded more than they were supposed to – especially his cheekbones. Why he hadn't noticed earlier, Heero wasn't too sure. Perhaps the sheer happiness of seeing Duo again had literally blinded him. Yes, he was indeed blinded…so many scars on the beautiful boy's body…
Heero gently grasped Duo's hand and gazed at the underside of the boy's wrist. It was torn…so many remnants of cuts. Puffy scar tissue flawed the creamy skin. And it appeared that many of the gashes along Duo's lower arm were made quite recently. Dark red growth encrusted each newer wound. They overlapped each other – old and new. There were scars that had clearly been torn open over and over again. The once clear, flawless skin was now shredded. Cutting. Why had Duo resorted to such torture?
Well, at least Duo admitted he needed help, and that's all that really mattered at this moment. He was going to get help. But if only Heero had known sooner…if only he had known about Duo's pain, then perhaps something could have been done before it had gotten this bad.
Heero felt a deep hollow in his stomach. Duo had said he loved him. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever hoped Duo would feel love for him. Their feelings had been mutual…that was the case. Why hadn't he been there for Duo? The breathtakingly beautiful creature sleeping on the hospital bed had not deserved such torment and pain. Heero felt he was to blame for all of the anguish Duo endured. He knew he could never fully make it up to Duo – there would always be those scars, but he would try. He squeezed Duo's hand, and brought it to his lips. Ever so gently, he laid a small kiss on Duo's knuckle.
No one to hear all your cries
No one to hear you beg
Listen to me why can't you see
You are with me
Positioned under me
***
Duo awoke slowly that morning. For the first time in what seemed to be an eternity, he felt no pain. Other than the pain in his gut, but that was just physical. He had come to learn that physical pain did not compare whatsoever to emotional pain. Even before he opened his eyes, he knew he was happy. A smile crossed his face – a strange feeling indeed to one whom had not truly smiled in an eternity.
And he had every reason in the world to be happy. The one person he though could never love him back did. He pictured Heero's face when they had confessed their mutual feelings. Heero loved him…it was not a lie. Typically Duo would persuade himself that that was nothing more then a cruel joke or fabrication. He truly believed no one could love someone like him. But the look in Heero's eyes when he said 'I love you' was a look of honesty and sincerity. Duo had never felt happier in his life. His feelings were nothing short of pure, ecstatic delight.
"Heero…" He muttered as his large, violet eyes slid open. The room was bright with the morning sunshine gleaming through the window and about as cheery as a hospital room could get. Duo's gaze shifted about the room and stopped when he saw who was sleeping soundly next to him in a chair. His smile widened. The thrill that Heero had actually stayed with him throughout the night entranced him. More proof that he actually cared.
Just as Duo was basking in the glory of a sleeping Heero, the Japanese boy chose that moment to stir. Duo held his breath as Heero stretched lightly and opened his eyes. He straightened up, and looked around the room as if in surprise at first. But when he saw Duo, the confusion seemed to drain from his eyes and they softened with only a slight hint of concern.
"Duo?" He stood from his chair and stepped beside Duo's bed. Duo looked up at him with a smile, but did not say a word. Heero, nevertheless, grabbed Duo's hand – the look of concern growing in his cobalt eyes. "Duo, how are you feeling? Are you all right?"
The American boy squeezed Heero's hand. "I'm fine Heero – thanks to you."
Heero stared at him blankly for a second. "What did I do?"
"Heero, I owe you everything. My life…everything." Duo's eyes were full of sincerity.
Heero gave a slight smile. His unwavering eyes stayed locked with Duo's. "I don't know what to say. I just-"
A soft knock silenced Heero's words. Following the soft knock came an even softer voice. "Are we interrupting?" The two sets of eyes shot to the doorway. In the entrance stood three figures looking ahead solemnly. Quatre stood in front of Trowa and Wufei. He seemed to be trying to smile, but the attempt failed.
Heero straightened up and gazed at the three without words. Duo, too, remained silent. Memories of the past month started to besiege his already tortured mind with the appearance of the other pilots. The thoughts of Quatre snapping at him over the phone…the thoughts of the cutting…the alcoholic binge at Quatre's place…Wufei's bitter words – all horrid memories came back. He felt tense and ashamed. What would they say to him? He had made such a fool of himself…And the wedding! It was supposed to occur the previous afternoon. Had he ruined the wedding? His stomach churned…he had that overwhelming pained and lonely feeling once more. He couldn't look any of the others in the eye. The room was unbearably silent. The angry and spiteful voices in his head were louder than ever. They were relentless – any positive thing he had felt earlier was now drowned out by those unmerciful voices.
'He's a disgrace.' Wufei's heartless voice echoed throughout his mind. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, covered his ears, and brought his knees to his chest. The silence hurt. It was painful and unbearable. It killed him inside. It ate away Heero's gentle words, and left only bitter ones. No happiness – a disgrace such as himself was not meant to be happy. He should have died. He should have died from overdose.
'You shouldn't be alive. You don't deserve to live amongst people, you disgrace.' A loathsome voice cried out loudly. It echoed in his ears as he felt the tears sting his eyes. 'Die.' It screamed. 'No one will mourn you. You have no reason to burden these people anymore. Die.'
Die.
Heero and the others watched in dismay as Duo curled himself tightly in a fetal position.
"Duo…" Heero's eyes widened in horror. Were those tears streaming down the other boy's face? What had happened? He was fine just a few moments before. Heero bent down and pulled close to him, and gently rocked the trembling body.
"What's wrong with him?" Heero barely heard Wufei's voice with his mind spiraling. He glanced quickly over his shoulder at the three stunned faces behind him. Scarcely audible, he mumbled, "I don't know…"
No one to hear all your cries
No one to hear you beg
Listen to me why can't you see
You are with me
Positioned under me
Duo didn't hear the anxious commotion given by the other three pilots, nor did he feel Heero's strong arms rock his tormented body. The voice was loud, almost deafeningly so.
'Useless disgrace.'
Duo wanted to cry out. He wanted to silence the voice, but it controlled him. His mind was under its ruthless power. It wanted him to grieve…and it was succeeding.
Now the tears fell freely from his eyes. They streamed down his cheeks without cease. He didn't know about Heero's firm grip and comforting words…if he had, he wouldn't have cared. He was lost in a deep and dark abyss. It wrapped him tightly in its depths – almost to the point where he couldn't breath. The murkiness of the black haze was smothering. He found as he struggled, he could not move his limbs. It seemed as if there were a pair of arms holding him back…not allowing any movement whatsoever. He was stuck.
Heero continued to hold Duo tightly as one of the others called for a nurse or doctor. The boy suddenly began to struggle violently. His arms tried to flair and his body tried to escape from the tight grip encasing him, but Heero's strength remained steadfast. In vain, he held Duo, trying desperately to comfort the tortured soul.
Meanwhile, Duo had begun to understand he had to listen to that voice…until now it had never been so prevalent. It had been there, but Duo had chosen to ignore it. But now…Heero had admitted something so special…and for a few moments, Duo had felt worthy. For the first time, (probably in his life), he had felt needed – and loved.
'Lies…' the voice spoke in the thickness. 'Nothing but lies…he doesn't love you. Who could possibly love a useless, disgraceful piece of garbage?'
Duo listened intently as his struggling ceased. What was the use to fight the unseen force just so he didn't have to listen to that voice? It was telling him nothing but the truth. The only voice he had heard that had actually been truthful to him…kind of ironic, really. The voice trying to destroy him was winning over the voice that had professed love to him. He grew completely still and lost himself in that eternal oblivion.
Heero's tight hold loosened as he felt Duo become completely relaxed. He continued to hold his hands over his ears, and his eyes were tightly shut, but there was no movement whatsoever.
Heero knew he didn't want to let go. Something was seriously wrong. How could he have been foolish enough to think Duo was okay? Gently, he stroked Duo's hair (now sweaty and matted), while his mind evaluated the boy's present condition. His hospital gown hung loosely on his pale, thin body and was damp with a cold sweat. Duo's skin felt frigid and clammy. But he was motionless – almost to the point of being lifeless, in fact.
It seemed Duo left his body, for now he could feel nothing. It was just him…him and that voice…that spiteful, evil voice. It continued its assault as a doctor and a few nurses entered the hospital room. They ushered the others out, but Heero didn't want to let go of Duo's now fragile form. The doctor looked at him and pointed to the door.
"I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave."
Heero scowled, but hesitantly eased Duo's body against the bed. He did not move a muscle and remained in the fetal position. Taking one last look at the longhaired boy, Heero sighed and exited the room.
Let you live
I depend
On your will
Do you see what's running through me
***
Heero stood leaning against a wall outside the room along with the other three. Except for the usual clicking of heels, and phone ringing in the distance, the hallway on the third floor of the hospital was extremely quiet…almost too quiet for Heero's taste. He tried in vain to listen close to the door…just to see what was going on in the room. The worry he felt deep inside ate away at him.
The others watched him carefully…it was quite clear he was lost in another world. He stared ahead blankly, for there was no hint of emotion on his face. All three could sense the worry that he was enduring, but none said a word – each not quite sure how to talk to Heero at that moment. None had seen him like he was then. But each felt they were to blame for the misdeeds that had been done over the course of time…the time that Duo had endured alone and depressed. No one had bothered to contact him; each too caught up in their new found lives to even care. Quatre, feeling a slight pang of guilt, broke the murderous silence.
"Heero?" He paused a moment and waited for a reaction from the other boy. Heero seemed to return from whatever world had engulfed him. Slowly, and seemingly confused, Heero turned his head in the direction of Quatre's voice. He seemed to see with unseeing eyes…his face was so blank.
The lack of expression made Quatre uncomfortable, but he continued nevertheless. "Heero…I'm sorry…I feel as if I'm to blame for all Duo has suffered…"
Trowa stepped behind the small blonde quickly. "What? Quatre…" He gazed down at him in disbelief. Wufei remained silent while watching Heero's reaction attentively.
Quatre's apology brought a wave of emotion over Heero's stoic face. He almost glared at Quatre with disbelief and puzzlement…it almost seemed as if he did not know how to respond, but after a few agonizing and silent moments, Heero opened his mouth to speak.
"No, Quatre…it was my fault – entirely my fault. I should have done something, but I didn't. I would have never guessed he'd end up like this." Heero continued to lean against the wall as if he could not stand without it. He cast his gaze forward, but immediately squeezed his eyes shut as disturbing images were drawn in his mind. The images of the cuts on Duo's thin, pale arm…the images of Duo sitting on that bed and swallowing that last pill…the images of Duo lying totally helpless on that hospital bed. He truly felt…no, he truly knew that he was to blame for all Duo suffered. But he would help him…somehow Heero would help Duo live through this nightmare. He wasn't quite sure how, but desperately, he would try.
By this time, the wait had seemed eternal. The four had stood outside of that door for about ten minutes…what could be going on in there? The wait was killing Heero. He wished he could do something…he wanted to rush into the room, take Duo in his arms, out of this hospital, and away from everyone and everything. Take him somewhere where they could be alone…somewhere where he could help Duo recuperate. Heero decided once Duo was released, he would take Duo home with him…he wouldn't ever leave him again. He just couldn't bare the thought of Duo suffering any longer. It wasn't right…
At that moment, the nurses and doctor that had barged into the room exited. The doctor, who was just behind the nurses, stopped and faced Heero with a grim expression on his face.
"Mr. Yuy, I'm not sure what just happened to your friend. He seemed to lapse from reality, I suppose. As it is quite obvious, he is suffering from severe depression, and psychiatric help is mandatory and must be sought after immediately."
Heero nodded. "How much longer must he stay here?"
"He's being released today as planned. There's not much more we can do. He needs a psychiatrist immediately."
Quatre broke in. "Are you sure he is well enough to be released? I mean, the episode we just witnessed…what was that?"
The doctor turned and faced Quatre. "As I said, I'm not sure. My guess it that something triggered a depressing memory, and that was his way of coping with it. But he seems to be fine now. He's sitting up in bed, but he said not a word. Anyway, I need to talk with one of you right now about his release from the hospital, and finding a qualified psychiatrist in his area."
Though he badly wanted to see Duo, Heero stepped forward…he had to get Duo help. "He'll be coming home with me," he replied to the doctor, "so I suppose you need to talk to me."
The doctor just nodded and motioned for Heero to follow him. "The rest of you can go in and see him if you'd like." He directed this to the other three.
As Heero walked ahead with the doctor, he glanced back in envy as Quatre and the others stepped into the hospital room. He wondered desperately what Duo was feeling at that moment…
***
So I'm wrong
I'm not alone
Seems like you're scared
You're holding me back again
Duo sat in the hospital room alone. Well, almost alone anyway. There was that hateful voice…it still made its evil comments, but it didn't affect Duo in anyway. In his lapse from the real world, he had had a revelation. He was not capable of being loved – in any way. Heero had lied to him…Duo knew he was an unwanted loser. Why Heero had said the things he did, Duo wasn't too sure. But it didn't matter…they were nothing more than pernicious lies. Perhaps it was Heero's way of poking fun at him. Maybe he just wanted to lure Duo into a false sense of security. Yes, Duo concluded, that was it…Heero didn't love him. It was quite the contrary, in fact. Heero hated him and he wanted to see him hurt – he wanted to see him suffer. It was working.
As Duo lost himself in his thoughts yet again, the hospital room door opened, and Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei walked in. Quatre and Trowa approached the hospital bed with sympathetic faces. Those faces were nothing more than masks, Duo figured. Wufei, on the other hand, had his usual heartless face on. Now that was a truthful look. Duo knew Wufei never liked him, and at least he was being honest about it. Unlike the others…
Duo's gaze dropped and he slid back into the pillow. He refused to look any of the other pilots in eye. What was the point? If he did look into those eyes, especially Quatre and Trowa's eyes, he was would see nothing more than lies. He hated being lied to, but it seemed that almost no one had the decency to tell them what they really thought about him.
"Oh, Duo? Are you okay? We were so worried…" Quatre was the first to speak. His voice was sympathetic and mellow.
'Liar.' The voice responded. Duo didn't say a word. He continued to stare downwards, but nodded a response.
"Duo? What's wrong? What happened to you?" Quatre asked anxiously.
Duo's face shot up. "Why do you-" He stopped himself. "I mean, I didn't mean to worry you…" His gaze sank down once more.
'…Nothing but a burden…'
"An-and," He began, his stare still cast downward. "And I'm sorry I ruined your wedding…"
Trowa and Quatre glanced at each other, both a little too stunned to speak. Wufei still remained silent.
"Duo…you didn't ruin our wedding." Quatre kneeled beside the bed and took Duo's hand.
"No," Trowa began, "we've decided to move it to a later date. It's probably better that way."
Duo felt a pain deep inside of his body. For some reason, that comment hurt…badly.
Quatre sighed. "We were just worried about your safety. We want to wait until you're better."
'Damn liars…' the unmerciful voice chimed in, '…they couldn't care less. They don't like you, Duo. They're nothing but liars. And you're nothing but a burden. They'd be married and happy right now if it wasn't for you.' This time Duo did nothing to try and stop the voice from speaking. He continued to stare at the sheets around him. Quatre and Trowa would have been married, and quite happy. If he hadn't overdosed, then everything would be back to normal now. He could be home drowning his sorrows with some alcohol, or watching the bloody pain seep down his arm after cutting. Either that or he could be dead. If only Heero hadn't found him, and then he wouldn't know about the pain he was causing everyone else…why they were pained over him, he didn't know. But it didn't matter, did it? He was miserable, and he was going to continue to be miserable. As Wufei had said, he was a disgrace, and a disgrace such as him did not deserve the happiness that others felt.
thoughts from you
You're close to me
You hide from your own fears
Now I'll set them free
Heero chose that moment to enter the room. With a focused look on his face, he headed straight for Duo's bedside. Duo, although quite aware of Heero's presence, continued to gaze downwards. His hands grabbed handfuls of the top sheet of which he was wrapped in. He grasped the sheet tightly as if it were his protection.
Heero took Quatre's spot and stood next to Duo. "Duo…" he paused as if he were trying to think of the right words to say. "Duo, I hope you don't mind…but, I want to take you home with me…just so I can make sure you get the help you need."
Duo grasped the clumps of sheets tighter. "…Help?" 'You're beyond help. You're a hopeless cause.'
"Yes. I've been given the name and address of a good psychiatrist close to where I live." He paused. "You said you wanted help, right?"
The longhaired boy's eyes darted about the bed nervously. He felt his skin begin to perspire. "Uh…yeah…help…"
Heero watched as Duo began to shiver….
'You disgrace…what help could anyone offer you? You're a disgrace and an embarrassment.'
Disgrace.
Duo felt waves of nervousness and anxiety fall over his body. He trembled…it felt so cold against his skin.
Nothing more than a disgrace.
No one to hear all your cries
No one to hear you beg
"I'm a disgrace…" He muttered to himself. "A disgrace…a useless disgrace…disgrace…just like Wufei said…"
The others gasped at Duo's whispered words. Clearly they were nothing more than a delirious ramble, but that ramble had said quite a bit. Heero, Quatre, Trowa all turned simultaneously and glared at Wufei. Wufei, who had remained silent up until that point, felt shock and a stab of guilt. Heero felt the sudden urge to strangle the Chinese boy, remembering all too well the moment Wufei had said those horrible words about Duo…It became clear to them all. Duo had listened in on they're conversation, and decided after hearing the hateful words, that he would attempt to kill himself.
Heero turned away from Wufei, suddenly feeling that Duo was the most important person to think of at the moment. He leaned over Duo's trembling form, and lifted his face up so they were making eye contact. He almost gasped as he looked Duo in the eyes…there was nothing but pain in those orbs. It was a tragic site indeed, those eyes had been the same eyes contained such light in them only three years before. Duo didn't try to fight the eye contact.
Heero tried to find the words to say, but Duo's eyes were so intent, and so pained, he found it quite hard to speak. But he knew had to. "Duo, you're not a disgrace."
'Liar.'
"Nothing could be farther from the truth. Whatever you heard, do not believe it. You're not a disgrace to any of us."
'You damn liar…'
Despite the sincerity in Heero's voice, Duo didn't believe him…the voice in his head was correct. Heero pulled away from Duo as the next words were uttered from the braided boy's lips.
"Heero, you don't need to lie to me." The voice had found its way to Duo's vocal cords, and was now speaking for him. "You didn't even stand up for me when he said it…you agree with him….I don't want to be lied to anymore…"
You are with me
Positioned under me
***
Author Note: Please forgive me. I know this chapter didn't come out very well, but I had a great deal of trouble with it. I've been working on it for over a month, and have just had some difficulty. ~Eternally 1x2
Comments? Criticism? We want to know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical1x2
