The Depths of a Black Haze
by Eternally 1x2
and
Mystical1x2

Disclaimer: We don't own GW. We never have, and most certainly never will. Don't own the song either...it belongs to Staind.
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, and what you may consider OOC...



Chapter Ten: Just Go


***
I'm kinda numb
It's so distorted
You left me here with this damage that you've caused
My tortured faces
I've fucked up places
In my memories none of them I've lost, but...

The bottle fell to the tiled bathroom floor with a clatter. Duo glared at the spilt contents defiantly and sank to the floor next to the scattered mass. He sighed and picked up two of the discarded pills. Frustrated, he swallowed them.
One month on the "anti-depressants" and he still felt like crap. But Heero continued to force him to take the useless medicine. At the beginning of Duo's stay with the Japanese boy, Heero had watched him take the pills -- just to be sure. Now he seemed to trust Duo enough to take the dosage on his own accord. And take them, Duo did. For some reason unbeknownst to him, he knew he had to do this...not for himself, but for Heero. Why did he feel that way? According to the voice, Heero did nothing but lie to him; just like everyone else. But nevertheless, he obeyed Heero's wishes.
Just before Duo left the hospital, he and Heero had talked. It could be said that Heero was upset with him...but why? Duo didn't know why he thought that. He had tried to kill himself -- twice in fact...but why did Heero care? Why did it seem as if he did? But Duo's hopes that Heero may actually care were shot down by that unmerciful voice that dwelled in his mind. Heero was putting up a front -- a simple act...one so plain it could be seen through. Duo knew the truth. And he, too, could play Heero's little game.
Duo smirked to himself as he pulled out a razor that was hidden beneath the bathroom sink. He had put on a real good show for Heero...Heero had thought everything was getting better. Nothing could have been
further from the truth.
He sat the small blade on the countertop as he pulled his shirt off, unbuttoned his jeans, and let the zipper down. He pulled his jeans and boxers down just a bit below the waistline where many strips of dark red scabs embedded in his pale skin. Grabbing the razor, and backing against the wall for support, he cut yet another wound into his flesh. He watched the pain seep from the slit, enjoying the feel of the blood trail down his skin and soak into the waistband of his boxers.
The razor fell to the floor as the true excruciating pain hit. He huddled to the tiles and brought his knees to his chin. The wound was construed and sent more volts of pain, but Duo bit his lip and took it. Heero believed Duo had ceased the cutting...but he was wrong. Duo knew he couldn't stop and pretend everything was okay. But Heero continually checked Duo's wrists...so, Duo knew he had to find a new place to mutilate. Below his waistband seemed to be the perfect spot.
Duo had told the psychiatrist he had been seeing that he continued to cut, however and fortunately, the psychiatrist did not make any mention of it to Heero. He had tried to help Duo, and Duo knew the psychiatrist thought he was making progress. But this doctor was not. The pain Duo felt could not be eased. No one could help...he was beyond any form of assistance. He had lost all hope long ago...one without hope cannot thrive.
Duo looked up. Someone, obviously Heero, had knocked on the door. He stood up quickly and looked down at his torso...blood smeared his skin and stained his open jeans. He grabbed a towel and tried desperately to soak up the red liquid. The knocking persisted.
"Y-yes?" He called out.
"Duo, are you okay? You've been in there for a long time now...did you take the medicine?" Came the voice.
Duo began to panic. The blood had soaked through his jeans...it was visible on the outside of the material. If he went out the door, Heero would see. "Yeah, I did." he called after quickly, hoping his voice didn't hint anything suspicious.
There were a few moments of silence. "Duo? Are you sure you're okay?" The longhaired boy could hear the worry in the other's voice.
Shocked at first, Duo wasn't sure how to respond. He heard sincere worry in that voice...but he shook his head. It couldn't be sincere...frustrated, he yelled, "Damn it, I'm fine. Would you stop with the fake-"
He stopped himself from saying something that really did not need to be said. He didn't want, nor need, to be suspected of any further abnormal behavior. He was sick of medical care.
Heero, still standing before the bathroom door, gaped at the hardwood in shock. The anger in Duo's voice was very apparent.
"Duo...I'm just worried..." He finally said softly.
Duo sighed to himself. "Don't be, Heero. Would ya leave me alone now? I'll be ready in a few minutes." 'Tired of the lies...why must he do this to me?'
Heero a deep twinge of pain as the longhaired boy uttered those words. "All right, Duo," he muttered, turning away from the door.

I haven't been here long enough to know
Every time I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go

Duo sat the bloody towel down and listened at the door waiting for Heero's retreating footsteps to disappear. He didn't like to lash out, but he was tired of that nagging voice screaming at him. Its bitter words left wounds on his brain and caused scars on his body. It convinced him of the hatred every person obviously felt for him. Even when it seemed they were doing good deeds, they were in fact lying. Duo could never be sure why they lied to him - why they hid their fabrications with kind gestures. But that didn't matter one single bit. He knew the truth.
Duo buttoned his jeans, never minding the pain that shot from the latest cut. Grabbing the towel, and holding the shirt in front of the bloodstain, Duo checked to make sure there was no red liquid on the tiles. The razor lay on the floor, but carefully he kicked it underneath the sink. Heero rarely came in this room, for it was the guest washroom. There would be no worry of him finding it. Besides, they weren't going to be home for a few days…
Duo opened the bathroom door and peeked into the hallway. It was empty - safe to maneuver through. Crossing quickly, he reached his room. Closing the door, and sighing in relief at the same time, Duo sank down on a small wooden chair. A suitcase sat by the bed. Yes, they'd be gone for just a few short days. The marriage binding of Quatre and Trowa would take place the very next day. He regretted having to look into the eyes of the ones who hated him so, but he knew he had to attend the ceremony. Couldn't ruin his performance…

***

It's kinda sick
I feel so dirty
I'm kinda tragic kinda insecure
But I know that I'm the only
One that can fix whatever's wrong I'm sure, but...

Heero sat in the living area waiting patiently for Duo to emerge. The room was silent; the only sound came from his ever-loud conscience. He felt something was wrong - dreadfully wrong. Duo was supposed to be getting better, wasn't he? And in some way, it did seem like he was…Heero had found no traces of any new cuts on Duo's wrists. 
But Heero could not figure out why Duo had snapped at him.
Perhaps he was sick of the Japanese boy's sudden overprotective nature. Heero felt he couldn't help but be cautious with Duo. He couldn't allow something to happen to Duo…no matter what Duo thought of him; the only thing he was concerned with was the longhaired boy's well being.
Which arose another problem. Soon they'd face the others…he hoped that there would be no vulgar remarks concerning Duo from them - especially Wufei. Fortunately, they would just stay for the wedding, and then they'd come back home. It would be better that way.
Finally, Heero heard Duo emerge from his room. Standing up, he watched the hallway until Duo had appeared with his suitcase. Heero stared at the ethereal creature before him…Duo was gorgeous. He had gained back some weight - he was no longer as skinny as he was when he had attempted suicide. However, Duo was beautiful in any way. Heero couldn't help but think that every time he laid eyes on his friend. He knew these thoughts weren't at all proper, but he loved Duo, and in the longhaired boy's condition Heero tried to think of every positive aspect.
'Why is he staring at me?' Duo thought to himself, shifting uneasily. 'Do I look that freakish?'
"Um…ready," Duo finally broke the silence and held up his suitcase.

I haven't been here long enough to know
Every time I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go

Heero shook himself back to reality, realizing that he was staring at the braided boy. "Great, then let's go. They're expecting us." He forced a smile, and held out a hand offering to take Duo's one piece of luggage. Duo, at first, glared at the hand confused. Realizing what Heero was doing, he shook his head.

"No, Heero, I've got it."

"It's all right, Duo, let me take it." He took the sole piece of luggage from the longhaired boy.

Duo shrugged and walked to the door. "Come on, Heero. Let's go so it can be over with."

***

He glowered at each of the chattering guests as he stood by the punch bowl. Alone and seemingly forsaken, Duo stood by himself. He had no idea where Heero had gone, and was rather offended that the Japanese boy had not stayed by his side.
"Why would he?" The voice responded to Duo's thoughts. "This is a joyous occasion; you'd ruin his mood."
Duo sighed at this and poured him a glass of punch. 'Mm, maybe.' He had learned how to communicate with the voice. 'Guess you're right about him hating me…'
"Of course I am. You so obviously have figured it out."
'Yeah, it is obvious I suppose…but then why has he taken me in?'
Duo inquired.
"Some things cannot be explained. However, it doesn't matter *why*. The point is he cannot stand the sight of you. I'm quite positive he wished for you to kill yourself."
'He stopped me - twice.'
Duo took a sip of the punch.
The voice seemed to ignore Duo's silent comment. "The punch tastes good, doesn't it Duo?"
Duo took another gulp of the red liquid. There was a familiar taste to it…one that warmed his body.
'Oh, god, this is good…' He gulped the drink down in one swallow.
"Bet it is. Get more, Duo. Doesn't it taste familiar?" Retorted the voice.
Alcohol.' Duo muttered. 'Finally…I've craved it for so long now.' He poured himself yet another glassful.

I feel so alone
From all I've become
I'll take you down
I feel so down
I'm water while you drown

Heero stood at the opposite end of the extravagant ballroom with Wufei observing the couples dancing. Trowa and Quatre were in the center of the dancers.
"Rather nice, wasn't it?" Wufei commented on the wedding.
Heero remained quiet. He cast a glance at Duo who stood by the hors d'oeuvre table. Earlier before the wedding service, Duo had made it quite clear with body language that he wanted to be alone. Heero understood that part of him felt as if Duo wasn't getting better at all. Instead, it seemed that perhaps he had sunken deeper into the bowels of depression. The psychiatrist, however, had made it clear that Duo was progressing.
But from the looks of it, that didn't seem to be a possibility.

You're lifted while I'm down
I'm cancer in your womb
I'm the needle in your spoon, but…

Into his fourth glass, Duo felt the need to sit down. The alcohol, for the first time, was not dousing his sorrows as it once did. For some reason, it seemed as if his grief was deepening. He found a chair in the corner, and with a full glass of the alcoholic punch, he sat down. The happy and cheerful voices of the guests were drowned as his mind swirled.
"What's wrong with me?" He said aloud to no one but the voice dwelling in his mind.
"Everything, of course." The voice replied. "You're a sick individual. Haven't you come to understand that?"
'I know I am…I'm sick…I'm a disgrace.'
"Yes, that you are. It's important to come to terms with such things."
'Why can't I be loved?'
Duo's mind spun in maelstrom of hateful and angry thoughts.
"You're disgusting. No one could love you. EVER. Have you not been able to comprehend that? What did Wufei say when you were at
Quatre's a little over a month ago? He said you shouldn't have been invited. You shouldn't be here now. What's the use? There's not a person near you. No one cares, nor will they ever care, about you. Stop questioning that fact. Just listen to me."
Duo knew there were tears in his eyes; and he understood he could not prevent them from falling. He hated himself; he hated the fact that everyone else hated him. He hated life, period.
He sat up in his chair and glared at every person within the room. Feeling the overwhelming sense of hatred, he screamed, "WHY?!" 
For one brief moment, the entire room fell silent. The pianist, violinists, cellists, and other musicians ceased their music. Heero recognized the voice quite clearly. That could have been none other than Duo. Pushing his way through the silent guests, he rushed to Duo's side. By this time, Duo understood what he had done, and glared at the floor embarrassed. The tears hit the black and white tile as he silently sobbed. He had made an utter fool of himself; no wonder he was hated.
"Duo," Heero knelt beside the one he loved, "what's wrong? What happened?"
Duo let out a loud sob. From this sob, Heero could detect the alcohol on Duo's breath. Heero, understanding, knew he could not keep Duo there. Carefully, he urged Duo to stand. Duo did, and looked at him with full, tearful eyes. Heero wiped the tears away with his thumb. "It's okay, Duo," he whispered, and led him out of the room not bothering to look back.

I haven't been here long enough to know
Every time I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go

Duo huddled on Heero's living room floor a day later feeling ashamed of his behavior. What could Heero possibly think of him now?
"Great display," the voice jeered. "You made a fool of yourself. And you question why you're so unloved…"
Duo pulled his knees close to his body. "It doesn't matter," he said aloud.
"What's that, Duo?"
Duo looked up to see Heero standing before him. "Nothing," he muttered.
"Duo…" Heero whispered, and sat on the floor beside him. With shaking arms, he pulled Duo close to him. The longhaired boy didn't resist. A loving hand stoked the mass of chestnut hair. Duo leaned into Heero's embrace…he didn't know what it meant, and for once he ignored the taunting voice within his mind. Heero's arms felt so good…so safe.
Heero inhaled deeply, trying to muster the courage to say what he knew must be said. "I love you," he muttered silently.
Unknowingly, Duo wrapped his arms around Heero's waist and buried his face in the Japanese man's shoulder as the tears fell without restraint.
The voice screamed and opposed the new feeling of affection, but Duo ignored it.

Just
Just
Just
Just go
Go
Go

"You're just fooling yourself!"
It protested.
Heero pulled Duo closer, allowing him to weep on his shoulder.


All these fucking lies
All your fucking lies

For a brief moment, Duo felt content.

***
Comments? Criticism? We want to know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical1x2