The Depths of a Black Haze
by Eternally1x2
and
Mystical1x2
Disclaimer: We don't own GW. Hasn't that been made clear? Not only do we not own GW, we don't own the song used in this chapter, either. ::sigh:: Sadly, this great song belongs to the incredibly talented band – Flaw.
Warnings: Angst, insanity, switched over to Duo's POV…
Chapter Eleven: Scheme
It woke up in me years ago, how this was meant to
be
All of those falsehoods plain to see, they dug
and hung their greed
So dark…where am I?
My head hurts. Oh, god, it hurts to sit up. This room seems familiar. Wait…I'm not alone, am I? I hear breathing. There's someone in this bed with me. Heero.
That means I'm in his bed. What am I doing here…?
And what is this strange feeling? I don't seem to remember much. I don't know why I'm in Heero's bed. I'm not complaining, though. I do remember what he said to me: "I love you."
I feel my body relaxing against the headboard and pillow. The truth and honesty in his voice – I know he wasn't lying.
"I love you…"
What do these strange words really mean?
'Nothing.'
No…not this evil bastard again… 'The words did mean something. Heero meant what he was saying.'
'No, afraid not. Poor, delusional idiot.'
Delusional?
'How can you trust so easily? As often as you've been hurt, one would think you'd be wearier of the lies others speak. People speak nothing but lies. You, if you can't believe that, are a pathetic, delusional idiot. You deserve this pain.'
Shit…why must I hear this? Are these words true? Or are Heero's?
'These are your words. You don't lie do you, Duo? So whom will you believe?
No…god, no, I want to trust Heero. I love him. I always have loved him…he said he loved me.
'You can't love. You can't be loved.'
"You're wrong…" I said that aloud, didn't I? I look over at Heero. He remains undisturbed.
I can't stay here. Not with him…not if that voice is correct. I feel my feet hit the floor.
'Good, Duo. You're doing something right. Get away from him.'
I must get away.
I'm walking to the door. There's too much pain. I want it to go away…it won't go away if I stay here.
Will there be profit you could see, if only we were blind
Lonely and sheltered, your life is free but it's
Still one step behind
My hand hesitates, hovering over the doorknob. Should I open the door? Open it and escape the pain?
'What are you waiting for, idiot? Leave this wretched hellhole. Leave behind the one who lies to you the most.'
Heero? Is he talking about Heero?
Heero doesn't lie to me, does he?
DOES HE???
'You don't get it, do you? Pathetic excuse for a human being…'
'Heero can't lie to me. He said he loves me. He's said it before, countless times. I know he wouldn't lie.'
'There is just no helping you, is there?'
I hold my head in pain, wishing for the voice to go away. Why won't it go away and leave me alone?
I lean against the bedroom door and slowly slide to the floor, head still clutched in between my two hands. God, the pain is unbearable…so fucking unbearable…
God, please, I beg you…make it stop…please…
'You poor freak. There is no getting rid of me, no matter how hard you try. You're beyond help. Not even your so-called Savior can save you. Give it up already.'
'Shut up, just please shut up.'
'Why should I, moron? That would take all the fun out of it.'
'I don't really see how this can be called fun…'
'Oh, but it is…it is…'
It's getting harder to suppress my screaming. I don't want to wake Heero…I don't want him to know I'm suffering…he thinks I'm getting better…I can't let him find out I was lying…
'It's so hard not to laugh at you. You're just so damn pathetic. He's going to find out…can't you see that? You can't hide it forever.'
He's right…I can't hide it forever.
Giving in to the temptation, I scream, not caring if the whole fucking world hears.
Just like me, they tried their rules on me
they tried their rules on me, me, me
I broke those chains and fucking split
and so you, and so you, and so you
Pass all the fascist asses, ignore those classes
of bottleneck masses
"STOP IT!" I'm so tired of this bullshit. I don't care what Heero thinks…I can all ready feel him by my side. I woke him up, and I don't care. I don't care about anything.
'Of course you don't, you disgraceful piece of shit.'
I let the words fly by me because new ones are entering my ears, "what happened, Duo? What are you doing?"
I can feel Heero's hands on me. They're like fire –
the feel his finger tips burns my skin. I want him to stop touching me. I want
the lies to stop.
I pull my arm away from his touch. "Leave me alone, Heero," I think I say,
although I'd bet anything the words came out jumbled.
I find myself standing to my feet and glaring down at his unusually confused
face. "If you really want to help me, then leave alone."
He stands also. "Duo, what's going on? Tell me," I hear him demand.
I glare defiantly into his eyes. "You. You and your lies. I'm tired of being
lied to by everyone. I'm tired of being hated." I'm practically shouting now. I
think I see a look of hurt in his eyes, but I can't be sure. Something from
within my mind says it's just an illusion.
"Duo, I don't know what you're saying. I've never lied to you," he retorts.
'Yeah, sure. Another lie.'
"You know, Heero, it would be a lot better for both of us if you just stopped with everything. Just leave me to myself…stop trying to fool because I'm not going to let myself fall for it anymore.
'Good…finally you understand…'
I do understand. I don't know what clicked within me, but I can see right through Heero now. He's nothing more than another deceiver. Just like everyone else…I'm completely alone. There's no one who understands or cares.
'Because it's impossible to care about a loser.'
A loser. Me. It's impossible to care about me. But…why do I see that glint of pain in Heero's eyes? He looks so confused. Have I hurt him?
'No, don't let yourself be fooled.'
"Duo…?"
'Enough.'
"Enough, Heero."
I pull the door open and walk from the room. I cross the hallway, and look back
at Heero. He's gaping at me from the doorway.
'You were right, weren't you? He doesn't care. He never cared.'
He never cared. I lock myself in the bathroom across the hallway, and sink back to the floor. Everything is completely hopeless.
Producing an all but awful silence, delivering a
Section of all the money stole and spent
As you start to recognize, you're in the game
Growing afflictions head to toe, this never
Should have been
'You're still crying, aren't you?'
I am? When did I start?
What do I have to cry over? A person like me deserves no sympathy. Am I just feeling sorry for myself?
What in God's name is wrong with me?
'What a bullshit question. You know the answer. Why bother asking?'
I don't know the answer…God damn it, I just don't know…
'Stop running from the truth, you pathetic excuse for a human being. You know what's wrong with you.'
I'm sick.
'That you are.'
I'm a loser.
'Two for two. That's my boy.'
I deserve no happiness.
'Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?'
I don't have the right to live.
'End it, Duo…you can end it.'
End it…I can end it…
End all the pain. Enter eternal bliss.
'Yes, Duo…you have the chance…doesn't bliss sound so sweet right now?'
I hear another voice push through…sounds like Heero.
"Duo!"
I hear banging. He's banging on the door.
"Duo! Open up, please…"
'He doesn't care. He just wants to see you suffer.'
More banging.
I hear my name again.
More sobs escape my lips. I can't stop them. It's not like I want them to stop…they're comforting in a weird sense. My sobs make me realize I'm alive…I'm dead.
I should be dead.
Why can't I be dead?
'You can be, you fool.'
"Duo, I know you're in there…open up this instant!"
God, why won't he shut the fuck up?
'He wants you to suffer…he doesn't care whether you live or die…do you want to continue living this way?'
No…I don't want this…I want this to end…
I feel insane. I feel sick.
I want out of this.
More words enter my ears.
"Duo, if you don't open up, I'm going to break the door down!"
His voice…so full of emotion…for as long as I've known Heero, I've never known him to sound like he cares.
'He's just fooling you…he wants to deceive you…he wants to see you hurt…it's what makes him happy. Would someone who cares for you enjoy seeing you in pain?'
No…
'I'm right. You know I'm right. He doesn't love you.'
I'm trying to drown out this voice. I don't want to believe it. I want to believe Heero loves me…
I know he does…
He has to…
Doesn't he?
But placing blame is cowardly, restructure must
begin
will there be profit you could see, if only we were blind
Lonely and sheltered your life is free, but it's
still one step behind
'How may times must you hear it before you understand? He doesn't love you.'
I don't care anymore. What does it matter?
'It causes you more pain when you try and believe he has love for someone like you. Are you so blindly stupid, you can't see the truth? Your pain stems from Heero.'
No…no, it doesn't. It's you. Meaning…I'm causing my own pain. Then let me be in pain. I want Heero so badly.
'Moron. He's the source of your pain.'
Then let me be in pain. It's not anything unusual.
I stand and open the door and come face to face with Heero. He looks scared. How strange…
Yes and the playing board is you
Let the pain flow. I want some comfort and being in his arms is comforting. Without thinking and before I know it, I throw my arms around him and sob. Crying may be weak, but it sure feels good…
He wraps me in a tight and warm embrace. It's like he does understand…like he does care.
'You're wrong.'
Then I'm wrong. Let me be played for a fool. Feeling loved is the best feeling in the world – even if it may be false.
Comment? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~ Eternally 1x2 and Mystical1x2
