A/N: Even though I finished this fic a while back, the alternative ending has been pestering me so I thought I might as well type it up and post it - I'm curious to know which you guys prefer! Thanks for reading! O:-)
PS. I've posted the part from where the different ending picks up just so you know.
Forever's Gone.
Tammy was sitting in Doctor Matthews' office with Amy, sobbing uncontrollably, as doctors were striving to save Terry's life. She had buried her face in her hands, but as soon as she heard the door open, her head flew up.
"How is he?" she demanded, then noticing the doctor's solemn face.
"I'm so sorry ....."
"Oh, please, not this ....." she whispered numbly.
"..... we did everything we could, but ....."
"No ....."
"..... I'm afraid his injuries were just too severe and we were unable to save him."
"NO! There has to be a mistake!" Tammy cried out, shaking her head in disbelief.
"I really am so very sorry, but Terry's gone."
Turning to Amy, who was also crying, Tammy was pulled into a hug which tried to comfort her, but she was too grief-stricken for anything to help. She laid her head on her friend's shoulder and cried as if her heart would break; and indeed it had.
*****
For a long time, Tammy merely sat at her desk with a blank piece of paper in front of her and a pen in her hand, staring into space. She was surrounded by crumpled pieces of paper, most with nothing more than the standard opening of a letter on them. She had no idea where to start, no idea what would come out if she did. Frustrated by the fact that there was so much she wanted to say and yet she could put nothing on paper; all her skills as a journalist useless under circumstances like these, she sighed and threw down her pen, leaning over to switch on the radio. Folding her arms on the table, she laid her head on them and closed her eyes. She paid little attention to the music however, and instead was lost in her own thoughts until, suddenly, a song came on which made her sit up and take notice. It was not by a singer of whom she was a particular fan, neither was it a favourite song of hers; yet, in that instant, it took on a new significance and made her listen intently.
#/For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me/#
For Tammy, that song said everything that Terry meant to her, in
a way she never could. She had been so completely absorbed by the
lyrics, she had not even noticed the tears flowing freely down
her cheeks onto her page. She simply listened until it was over
and then switched off the radio, dried her eyes and grabbed a
fresh piece of paper. Then she lifted her pen and began to write;
words spilling onto the page just as tears flowed from her eyes.
Dear Terry,
Writing this letter has to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, knowing you'll never get to read it, but someone suggested it might help me to get everything out like this so I thought anything that helps is at least worth a try.
I know it's been a while now - three years, even if it doesn't really feel like it - but I'm still not coping too well. Everyone says it'll get better, but it takes time. Time, huh? How long are we talking? I know I'll never get over this, not really, and I'll never forget you - I don't want to. But, I thought things would get a little easier. To be honest, I think they're getting harder. I don't know how I'd cope without all the support - Amy, Nora, the Chrises, Scott, even the McMahons, they've all been fantastic. Sometimes though, even they aren't enough. At times I think Hope is the only thing keeping me ... well, alive.
I wish you could see her, Terry, you'd be so proud of her and I know she'd love you. She's so like you, even now - she's got your smile and your eyes. She's got lots of "adopted" aunties and uncles now - lots of willing babysitters; but she's taken a particular shine to Chris Irvine - her "Unca Chrissy", as she calls him - the rest of the guys claim it's because they're the same mental age! It doesn't make up for you though - she started kindergarten recently and one day she came home and asked me what a daddy was and why she didn't have one. It broke my heart when I had to sit her down to do some explaining. (I found out later that she had asked Chris what a daddy was too and if he was hers - I don't think he knew what to say and just evaded the question; probably told her to ask me) I don't really know how much she understood, I'll probably have to do it all over again in a few years time. I told her all about you, showed her pictures too - I want her to know what a wonderful man her father was. I don't want her to think it's her fault - I told her you didn't want to leave and that even though you never saw her, you loved her very much and I think she understands that. I started to cry again when I said that, I tried not to but I couldn't help it. That's when I realised she must have understood at least some of what I said - she just climbed on to my knee for a cuddle and told me not to cry because you would be watching with the angels and wouldn't want me to be sad. I don't know what I'd do without her; she's all I've got now, the only part of you I can hold on to. I guess that's why I called her Hope, because that's what she is - my hope.
Everything reminds me of you and sometimes it hurts so much I wonder how I'm going to survive. The thing that scares me is that sometimes the idea of not surviving doesn't seem so bad - at least I'd be with you. But then I think about Hope and I know that's just not an option - I have to be strong for her, I can't give up - no matter how much I want to. But do you know what's worse? Sometimes I do forget - in the morning, in that split second when I wake up, everything is perfect. In my sleep-clouded mind, we're together, we've got our beautiful little girl, and everything is just perfect. Then it hits me. And sometimes, I can't even believe that it's true - a door opens and I expect you to walk in, home from whatever part of the world you've been touring, with a smile and a kiss. The disappointment when it doesn't happen is almost unbearable. Stupid, huh?
I can't help thinking of all the things you're missing out on - you didn't get to see Hope be born, and God knows I needed you then; you didn't get to see her take her first step, or hear her first word; you won't get to see her start school; you won't get to scare off her first boyfriend or teach her to drive; you won't give her away at her wedding ... And we miss out too - Hope will never really know you, no matter how much we tell her about you and I won't get to grow old with you. That's the thing that really gets me - I don't get to see you ever again or just talk to you the way I used to. Strange as it seems, the fact that we didn't get the chance to get married doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would - I mean, it hurts, but I don't need a piece of paper to know how I felt about you. How I still feel about you. But knowing that I don't get to show you just how much I love you or wake up knowing that I'm safe in your arms; that I don't get to feel your arms around me, or your lips on mine; that you'll never tell me you love me again ...
I'm crying again now, but I need to keep going; need to get it out - it's not like I could stop, even if I wanted to. You always knew how I was feeling, even when I tried to hide it, and you always knew how to comfort me when I was upset. But what happens now? What do you do when the one person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry in the first place? This isn't fair, Terry - you were much too young to ... I hate even saying it ... leave me; at twenty-four, I was made a single parent and, to all intents and purposes, a widow. We should have had the best part of our lives still to come - with each other, and with Hope - we should have been a family. Why did this have to happen to us? This is the kind of thing you're supposed to hear about and shake your head and say how terrible it is, but it's not actually supposed to happen to you - we always think these things only happen to other people. I wish that was true. Probably not very charitable, but that's how I feel - I'd give anything to have you back. You meant everything to me, you were always there for me and now that you're not ... I don't know if I can cope. I have to somehow, for Hope, but ... I don't know if I can.
I don't know how to end this so all I can say is that I miss you, Terry, and I think about you every day - I will never forget you. I love you with all my heart and I always will.
All my love, forever,
Tammy
xox
Laying her pen down, Tammy whispered into the silence, her voice choked with tears, as she slipped the engagement ring she still wore from her finger.
"I love you, Terry."
Laying the ring in the palm of her hand, she moved it slowly, making the diamond sparkle brightly in the light. After a long pause, she set it carefully on the table and reached to the back of her neck, flipping her hair over one shoulder, to undo the clasp of the chain which she wore. She slipped the ring onto the chain and put it back on, brushing the tears from her eyes and tucking the delicate necklace beneath her shirt, out of sight - not forgetting, or even just moving on, but merely trying to find a way to deal with the pain which she knew she would have to learn to live with. She then folded the letter carefully and placed it in an envelope, sealing it and scrawling Terry's name on the front. That letter would never be read by him, but instead it would be hidden inside her diary - not forgotten, but never looked upon again. She would never need to read it again, every single word would be imprinted in her memory and inscribed on her heart forever.
*FIN*
