Chapter 4- Syaoran
It was one of those times, when no matter how much sunlight you see, the color of flowers, the blue of the sky, you feel the burden of life on your shoulders, weighing you down. Death probably felt more free. Perhaps it was like flying, so many years gravity has held, and when death comes you are swept off your feet and you fly up to touch the sun.
At that time, I was too weary to live. I was ready for death to sweep me off my feet, to fly up to the sky, to feel the sun's fire. But like gravity, Life forbade, and I was still here, lonesome and feeling forgotten, not by the mortals around me but by those that are able to help me touch the sun.
Perhaps if Yue had shown more heart and kindness, I would have taken it better. But all the impression I had gotten from him was coldness, coldness, coldness, with a narrow mind, his concentration keen and directed at Clow and Sakura alone. There were times, when I was with him, when I wanted to hit him on the head with two fingers and yell into his ear, " Clow Reed is not the only magician in this world!" But I never let that get to me. It was too perilous, with the mixed aura that I was carrying, this weakness and torment that I have to suffer. No doctors can cure it. No doctors.
I wanted a Daddy all my life. I always imagined him as this strange shadow, with a face I cannot imagine, this shadow that protects me from the cold, from the heat, from the unforgiving sun. And when I cry, I imagine this shadow spreading his arms and pulling me into his embrace, and when I do something well, I imagine the shadow laughing and telling me, " Well done, my son!"
This shadow I imagined had somehow given me a sense of what a father should be like. Whenever I was scared, or when I felt death creeping near, before I learned what it really was and feared it, I imagine this shadow coming to me and whispering, You're strong. You can fight it. Win for me, my son! And I shall be proud! Do not be afraid! I'm here for you. And I imagine that I would calm down and smile, and say, Daddy, I'll live. I'll make you proud.
And when I learned of the Clow Cards, I imagine the shadow near, and I say to him, Watch me, Daddy! I can capture the cards, and I'll make you proud. I'll show that I'm strong. I'll show that this desease cannot corrupt me!
But then...
I remember that horrific night. Yue looked at me, his figure like a god, and I imagined the shadow right beside me. But that shadow failed. I used all of my powers for each spell, but it could never defeat him. And then...
I felt the weakness. I felt the burden. The crystals shot at me and I couldn't move fast enough, no matter how hard I tried. Each crystal pierced the skin and I was afraid the others will know. But the blood mixed with green and became the dark brown of norm, and the truth was hidden. But I will never forget that night, when I moved too slow. I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed, as if I was trying to swim in quicksand. And the pain came, I heard Yue say, " It is over..."
No. That was not the shadow that I had imagined. The shadow I felt would never hurt me like that. He will aid me, and when my movements are lagging behind, he'll push me forward. He will not say it is over, he will say it is beginning, and that I will not die. I will not fail. I am strong. I'll make my daddy proud.
I'll make my daddy proud. How many times have I thought that, training with Meiling, with my teacher, self training at home, looking at the few cards that I have captured. How many times have I imagined the faceless smile on his face as I went to sleep, comforted by his imaginary presence. How many times that girl, Sakura, stepped in my way. It was not a fair trial. She was healthy. I was not. Yet it was my fault. I never told anyone, and Yue will not be merciful simply because I was weak. A sick master is a bad master, he thinks, because he simply will not have the strength to control the cards.
My idea of capturing the cards and mastering them was absurd from the start. But I wanted to make my daddy proud. And that was all that mattered.
And now, the shadow bore the face of Yue. It bore the cold eyes, the hard glare, the smile was gone and the whisper was only the deep and rough voice of the guardian telling me that it is no use. You can't do it. It is over. The battle has already been lost. Which battle? Is it only the battle of the cards? Or is it something else, more important, far larger than simply a pack of cards? Could this be really over? Could it be that I am not strong, because I did not pass a trivial judgement?
And I hate her. Hate that girl that stepped in my way. If it hadn't been for her, I would have won, I think. She was a distraction. She captured all my cards. And Meiling carried out that emotion well. Yet I still wonder, if I had captured all the cards instead of Sakura, would I still win? What if she never existed? What if I was cured? But what's the use of what if? The shadow was gone. What if he's here? Does it matter?
There were times when I wanted to kill her myself. That Kinomoto Sakura. It was all her fault. But I knew it was not. Yet still, it wasn't fair. She was healthy. She had a daddy. But it was fair. She didn't have her mommy. No, it wasn't fair. She had a guardian to aid her. But that guardian did not help her much. And I had Meiling.
It was not fair. She has so many friends, and I'm alone. She has the energy for so many friends, and I don't. So what's the use? It is fair then. No it's not. The debates ring in my head. I hated her. I loathed her. The very mention of her name makes my heart boil, and yet I keep it compressed. I am strong. I can get over it. And yet I still want her blood on my sword. I didn't care if the police come. Let the little people come! With their nice little uniforms. Let them send me to some psychiatry hospital and treat me for mental problems for all I care. I hated her. That was all I know. Because of her, Daddy won't be proud. Because of her, Daddy won't tell me that I'm strong. Just like that moon guardian had said. It is over. If I couldn't pass that test, what makes me strong? What makes me able to overcome this desease far more challenging?
And yet...whenever I see her face, those eyes saying hello, my heart melts. No, not her blood on that sword. No, don't let those eyes close. Don't let them dull. They are bright now, and that light is precious to me. No. Don't let those lips pale, let them stay as rosy as they are and tilted up in a smile. No. Don't let that voice fade. Let it ring in laughter! Let her laugh! Let her smile! Let her dance in glee! She won the cards! She has triumphed! She has made her daddy proud! It was never her fault I was weak and she was not. It was not her fault she was destined to be the master of the cards. It was not her fault that she had a daddy and I didn't. It was not her fault she passed the test. She was innocent, as I am, and still am. And if I strike, I'll lose it forever, and so will she, if chance be she survives. Whenever I meet her, all hatred dies, the loathe gives way to amusement or fondness. She was sweet. She has something I do not possess. She was beautiful. She is my star.
And Yue?
I had oftened wondered, if my daddy wasn't Yue, and was someone else, more kinder, more loving, if my daddy was like that shadow that stayed in my mind every night, whispering sweet dreams, telling me stories that I made up myself, shielding me from the cold and heat and the unforgiving sun that shines no hope, would he be proud? Would he still be proud that I had tried, and that I had survived, and I conquered death all this time?
