The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 14-Syaoran

When I was little, I was always different. Weird, strange, different, however one calls it. Somehow, I couldn't blend in. It probably was because of my disease, yet I knew it wasn't. Or perhaps, not totally.

The fact that my family allowed me to drink wine is one reason, I thought. But wine is important in martial arts, or at least, one type of kung fu. I don't think it was present in karate; I never took it. Why take another type of martial art when you already have one? Unless you're boxing, but boxing isn't completely martial arts, in my belief. It's not an exercise of self defense, not exactly. It was sport. Just as kung fu and karate had become.

When I was little I remained alone. I went to school, I was not home schooled, although perhaps I should have been. I went to school, a private one, of course, but that did not improve my social skills. There are disadvantages to that. I was not quite capable of making friends so easily. I was not open. I was always alert, always cautious, always scared.

For that reason, no one accepted me. I always thought it was me. Something wrong with me. Something with my personality. My being. My intelligence.

So I worked hard. I tried to prove that I am more intelligent than other people think, that although I was weak I am not stupid.

Children are cruel. It come from the adults. They pick on the weak, without any knowledge of what they're doing. It wasn't until I learned martial arts that I was able to stop them from coming for me. But then the things took a different turn. I was alone. No one came to me. All avoided me. So I was different, strange, and dangerous.

Such things cannot be helped. I was who I was, I am who I am. Nothing could change that anymore.

Well, almost nothing.

I remember when I first saw Sakura. She freaked. She looked horrible, a pitiful figure that she was as she stared wide eyed at me. I had darkened my skin, perhaps because my mother was a lot smarter than she sometimes appears. Sakura was not light skinned, she was darker, but light enough to be considered fair among us Asians. She was pretty in her own way, but her features are not the most beautiful. Green eyes were considered devilish among Chinese, if not Japanese. Dark black hair is considered fashionable as well. Hers was auburn. All in all, except for the fact that she definetely looks Asian, her features would have passed for a Caucasian.

She was unnaturally thin among Japanese. As was almost all who live in Tomoeda. Most Japanese have long necks and stiff, round legs, with short heights, perhaps because of the food they eat. But that probably changed. Sakura was not short, even for Chinese. She was thin, lean, slender, however you call it. One cannot judge the length of her neck just yet. She may have passed for a Chinese-Caucasian. Yet she was Japanese.

She freaked out at the sight of me, and I instantly wondered if I turned pale again. No, it wasn't that. I was dark. She was afraid of me. Rightly so. I am different. I am strange. I am dangerous.

The years of loneliness had taught me much. At home I was pampered, but I always felt that it was all because of the instincts of family. Outside, I was simply a misfit. An outsider. It had its disadvantages.

Yet I realized that I had grown much more than anyone could expect. That even Xuyan cannot defeat me. I am strong. I am weak. But I am strong.

Through the years that I had been lonely, apart, I have seen much. Children, gathered in little groups. Four, five, or six. Some two, some three. But there were very few who remained alone as I did. Once, a boy had told me, " I don't think my friends would want you in our group because, you know, you're weird, you know what I mean?" And I said, " Yeah, I know what you mean." And then I realized, No. I didn't know what he meant. How am I different? How was I weird?

Then I found out the answer. I am different from everyone else, not because I was sickly. Not because I scored one hundred on every one of my tests. Not because I cannot socialize. It's because I think differently. The years of being alone had offered many things to me. I have heard much, seen much, and now, have known much.

The children who gathered into groups are completely ignorant of everything around them, because they are part of everything. Just like leaves are part of the trees, the soil part of the ground, the clouds part of the sky, the sky part of itself. The children do not know what I know. They do not see what I see. I see friendships that will break very soon and I know it. I see hatred that are foolish and I knew it would be settled. I see promises that are so frivolous they are easily forgotten by all. I see people who do not appreciate what they have, and want more and more. I see people who despise pain because they fear it. People who only see a part of the whole.

It was like mankind. They fear death, they are in awe at life, and therefore they create the most foolish yet the most ingenius belief. Religion. And each religion had its own rules, so fascinating yet so idiotic, so smart yet so proposterous. And others, part of the whole of mankind, giving into their awe and fear, believed blindly in whatever they were told, and never asked questions. Humans are so curious, they push their nose into things that are of no business of theirs. Yet luckily, they still survived. I know that this same curiosity will lead to their doom. We are but the larger toys of the same game. And religion, the most foolish yet the most ingenius creation of mankind. Should there really be a god, he would sit and watch us little people, laughing at how we conduct ourselves, chuckle in amusement in our newly created religion, however true it might be. God will not laugh because the rules of religion we created are true or false. He will laugh because we simply created it. And that is enough for his amusement.

I saw many things. Birds in the sky. The Sky above. Ants crawling, and I wonder, who had said that humans are the smartest beings in the world? We are the same as the insects that bother us. All ignorant of who we are, of where we are, of what we should be and where we should be. Just simple pieces of a game, playing out rules that we do not understand, making our own little rules and believing ourselves so smart. Little children, blindly playing. Not knowing who they are. It's a shame.

But with all this knowledge, it did not ease my loneliness. And although I knew myself, I did not know all. I did not know that I felt this loneliness. That I longed for someone who cares.



When I first met Sakura, I viewed her as one of any other. An ignorant yet smart girl who does not know what's good for her. When I first saw her I knew she was good at making friends. That she had a lot. That she was caring. But I did not think about letting her care about me.

When I first saw Tomoyo, I saw her as someone more mature than ordinary. Who knows what friendship is. And treasures it.

When I first saw Kero, I knew at once this guardian was blind. As blind as one was when one's asleep and not dreaming. Like the stuffed animal of which he took form. A complete idiot. Which was perhaps, why he and I became such enemies and such good friends.

I saw through everyone, I had power over all. I know all, except for Eriol, who I cannot see. And this I hated. Eriol was the only one who I did not understand, and now, I know why. Eriol is older in mind than I can ever be. And no matter how strong I am, I'll never see through him.


So the years of loneliness taught me much. I did not accept Sakura as my equal because she was not. Then I accepted her as a worthy opponent of my goal. I knew more than her and I understood it. She does not understand me, probably never will. Because I am different and she is not. In person, she is like the others. Sweet and nice, blind and ignorant, the part of the world of which I am not. I knew I had little time, unless a miracle beyond nature happens. And Magic is nature, in a way.

The night Sakura became the Card Mistress I was happy for her, truthfully. I felt wonderful, that she had succeeded. And then I went home and it dawned on me what had happened.

In a way, that day was a good day, a beginning. If I had become Card Master, I would return home to the lonely and closed minded life that I had been living. Yet I cannot blame myself for who I am. I was what fate had created, a being apart from all the rest. An accident. And yet fate had decided to keep me alive against my will. Death wasn't as horrifying as some believe. Even if it was only the gate, the portal, it had Death's essence. The death is simply an empty void, deprived of all feeling, of all emotion, of all color and light, of all existence. It simply is. An opposing force against light. Life. And like the life feels to death, the Dead fear the coming of Life, yet some still remember a glimpse of it, and welcome it without sorrow or fear. Perhaps that's how I entered, and how I will go.

Sakura's triumph was perhaps the real eye opening day for me. I was allowed to remain in Japan, in Tomoeda, and I did, for some strange reason. Perhaps I did love Sakura. I did not know. At that time I did not know anything anymore, so great was my disappointment. And then, that faded.

Because Eriol came.

Because Yue told me I love Sakura and my desperation was so great I believed him.

Because fate had woven me into its beautiful world of life.

Because here, people accepted me.

The one most worthwhile lesson I had ever learned in Japan, was from Sakura, the Card Mistress. From her, I realized that I was an accident, but fate had woven me into the world. I am now a part, just like everyone. I am no longer different, no longer strange. I am one who sees far, but I do not have to place myself outside again. Outside, I have seen all I could see.

Because I realized that I see what others don't see.

Because I realized, what others see, I don't see.