Chapter 20-Syaoran
Never count on anyone to stay by your side for long. For we had all come to this world as single souls, except for those who have mates. And for those who come as single souls there is no one there for them. They can never openly trust. Never lean on. Never rest for long.
That I had kept in my mind for many years. Best friends will leave. Deaths will come. If the saying of soulmates is true, then the soulmates will die at the same time. But they almost never do.
It really wasn't my fault, was it? I keep on asking. And I keep on getting the same answer. You know yourself. But the problem was, I didn't know. Sakura had first chatted with me out into the street. I turned and saw a huge van heading our way. And I didn't call her. I didn't pull her to a stop. I let the van crash on her. And even as the others rushed to her, I remained where I was, frozen.
I couldn't move at all. Not even when Yukito looked up and stared at me. Even then I couldn't move. It wasn't because I wouldn't. I couldn't. And I remained there. I could not see the dark blood, I did not see. Suddenly, panic built up inside me and I realized I would never see her again, not at the gate, not anywhere. And the dark aura of Nadeshiko vanished along with Sakura, three days later.
I saw the van a long way off. And I didn't call her.
No one spoke to me. I was a shadow. A shadow. A forgotten ghost. They look at me coldly, or they look, and see through me as if I was not there. Not just Yue. All of them. I knew they were angry at me, that I didn't stop Sakura, that I didn't rush with her and I stood there, emotionless, in the middle of the street, even as the police called out and the ambulance came. Then I ran from her, I didn't go to the hospital. I dropped out of everything.
No one spoke to me. Yukito gave me my daily drought almost irritably. What had I done wrong? I wondered. But I knew what I did wrong. I could not understand why they refused to forgive me.
In truth, I did not understand myself anymore.
Only Eriol. Eriol stretched out his hand to me, spoke to me, looked at me with the little warmth he could afford. I was grateful to him. But he wasn't enough.
I had often looked at Japan with adoration, because it was the only place I felt wanted. Cared for. The only place where I was not a burden. And a little later I became one, but not because I had to be. Because I was still wanted. At this point I look at Tomoeda and I realized it was the same as anywhere else. I'll still be a burden, wanted as long as I am with one who's wanted. People do not recognize me for who I am. They recognize me as who I was, and who I was with.
It was like the sun had died down, an old star, with its gassy clouds sprayed about, covering the core, as the black hole began to suck things in. This same hole opened in my heart and sucked all emotions except pain. It sucked in happiness, all traces of happiness, delight, rest, peacefulness, and all what was left of love.
I then forgot what love was.
And all memories were gone. I now miss my mother more than ever. Only she could support me, believe in me, trust me if I tell her that I had tried, had tried my best to move, to save her, but I couldn't. My body won't obey me. And she'll say something like, " It wasn't your fault, Syaoran. The Dead are protecting you," Regardless of whether it was true or not. But at least someone trusted me.
Now, I don't know who to trust to even tell this to. To tell I had honestly tried, but I couldn't move. Because I couldn't prove it.
I missed my sisters. I missed my mother. I missed the shadow that no longer hovered over me, ever since Yue came and called himself my father. I called him my father. I missed that shadow. I missed everything I lost.
That night, I decided what must be done. I looked at the deck of Sakura cards that she had given me. The only person it rightfully belongs to now, is the guardians. I didn't dare meet Kero. I was in Yukito's house anyway, though not for long, I have decided.
I handed to him the cards. He gave me a cold and hard look and then accepted them. Then he ignored me.
I hated feeling so much neglect. I hated feeling so much anger and hatred. I
couldn't stand it. The burden of life became heavier. And I couldn't stand it. I went
up the stairs.
I shut the door.
I walk to the window.
And I told the dead spirits my decision.
I wish to be mortal.
In truth, this wish is deadly, if the Dead did not favor me, I would have been
dead, right then and there. But the Dead refused to take me. They forced me to my
body, chained me to my flesh and blood and bones. I struggled, crying, they do not
yield. Until I step out of the room, pale and trembling, Touya looking up at me and
paling also. I did not care. The fight had been defeated. But in a sense I had won.
The black hole in my heart had taken everything except pain. And then I repressed
the pain. With all emotions gone, I am a shadow. I am a ghost. I am nothing.
And at night, I went to the dead world again. This time, they let me come in, admitted me. I felt the hands of Nakeshiko through my hair, stroking and murmuring. Why would Sakura's mother be so kind, if I had done such wrong to her daughter? Maybe because she understood. But the gentle hands were only temporary. Sakura remained at the gate, but out of my reach. I could not see her. Nadeshiko remained at the gate, but left me alone. I went out of the realm in bitterness.
From that day on, Yukito gave me my medication and I pour it into the sink as soon as he left. The chocolate I dumped into the trash. Every day, he gave me and I poured. Soon, it would no longer be a waste.
I went to the cabinet and the basement to search out the herbs. I took a third of them and buried them in the yard. None of the seeds were spared.
Why I did this, I did not know. I seemed to have an instinct to no longer live. I now realize the only thing that had kept me alive for so many years was my mother mothering me, my sister's teasing, and the cello. But I couldn't play it anymore. I didn't have the heart to. And Yukito never knew this. He never knew what I did to all the bowls of medicine.
And then, I felt I did not have much time to hide it.
" You look awfully thin, Syaoran." Eriol remarked once. " Thinner than usual."
" Really?" I pretend to look at myself. " That's weird."
" That's weird indeed." Eriol looked at me. " Have you been eating well?"
" Hai."
He gave me a long look and I stared steadily back at him.
" They haven't been treating you well, have they?"
" Hai, they did." I answered. " Yukito never forgot to give me the broth."
" Oh, I don't mean that." Eriol said, obviously upset. " But never mind. Do you
want to come over?"
I hesitated. He looked earnest.
" Alright." I said. " I'll come."
" Have you been going to that place again?" Eriol asked.
" Hai." I answered, knowing he meant the Realm of the Dead. " They let me in
now.
That gaki. Who could have known that he could see such things. There came
a queer light in his eyes as he regarded me, with something like pity. I remained
emotionless.
" Are you happy there?"
" Not happy. I told you already. There's no such thing as emotion in the realm of
the dead."
" Alright, alright." Eriol sat up straight. " Do you want to remain there?"
" If I could, maybe." I had a feeling he was getting to the particular subject I didn't
want to discuss.
Eriol was no fool. He sensed it.
" Do you miss her at all?"
I should have broken down then, perhaps. Her, means Sakura. But I didn't.
By then, I had no emotion.
" Iie." I said truthfully. " I miss my mother. I miss my sisters. I miss everything I
lost. Meiling, my aunt and uncle. But not Sakura."
" Is it because it's too fresh?"
" Iie." I said, and I turned away. " I hate her Eriol." I said.
" You love her." Eriol said bluntly. " Don't you?"
" What's love?" I smiled at him, weird, me smiling. Eriol paled at that smile. It must
have freaked him out, and I remember enjoying it. " What's love? You know, for
someone like me. I have no place to back into. Love is the flimsy bridge. Once I
step out towards it, it collapses. I fall. And I cannot come up again. Love is
shattered. If it's rebuilt, I cannot cross it again. It's that simple. So tell me, what's
love?"
Eriol was silent.
" You see," I continued. " I don't remember what's love."
That night I threw up blood. I had gotten into the house. Yukito was cooking
dinner. I ate dinner. I don't eat lunch, I don't eat breakfast, but I had to eat dinner,
since Yukito's watching.
And then I decided, perhaps he really isn't.
So I threw up, went down stairs after wiping my mouth and flushing the toilet. The blood tasted of acid. Stomach acid.
I went downstairs. The dinner was ready. Yukito was sitting there, already eating.
I sat down next to him, but I didn't pick up my chopsticks.
Yukito went on eating.
That was it. I could not stay there anymore. I thought about joining Sakura. I thought about wasting away. For a moment, the pain returned. I quickly repressed it. What's the use?
I sneaked away from the chair, without turning back. I ran up the stairs as silently as I could. I didn't know that Yukito had noticed me, despite the fact that he continued eating. I didn't know that he had peaked out of the corner of his eye and realized I did not touch my food. I didn't know that he had looked up as I left and pondered on what to do.
I looked about and took a framed picture. I dumped it into a bag. Some clothes. The picture of Meiling. A picture of...Sakura. I opened the drawers and found several keys. Keys to my apartment. The bed is still there. The Li clan had bought it, and still paid the taxes. I could return there, blow the dust off everything. Yukito doesn't know where I live. I never told him. Or I hoped.
I leaped out the window. I jumped off the house, with the lights gone, as if I went to bed. And I ran, quickly. I ran and ran, towards the building, the only remaining thing left that reminds me of what Japan had once been. Of what it would have been. Of what I would have been.
