Chapter 21-Syaoran
The apartment looked pretty much the same. Except for the thick layer of
dust on the tables and on the chairs, the floor, it was how I had left it. I did not take
a lot of things with me, so many still remained. The building had a guard, so no one
was able to steal. I was on the fifth floor, anyway.
I took out a card. Then I thought, well, they'll realize I used magic. So I
cleaned the floor by hand. I cleaned aimlessly. I wiped the dust off the tables, the
sofa, and I shook it off the bed. I took out the frames of Sakura and put it on the
table, then took it and put it in the drawer. Then I changed, took a shower and
changed, then climped under the covers of my bed and stared at the ceiling. It had
been such a short time ago, yet it seemed so long.
I rolled over, and I realized that this is the only place no one can find me. I could do anything I want. And so the first thing I did was cry. I weeped for my mother, who had taken care of me for so long and I never appreciated her enough for it. I weeped for my sisters, who had teased me and made the rainy days bright. I weeped for Meiling, who showed me how to care about someone. I weeped for Sakura, who had showed me what other people see. I weeped for a father I never had, the shadow that no longer is. I never felt so hopeless, so tired, so despondent. I never felt so hated. I never felt such despair.
I don't know how I fell asleep, but I did some time later. I stayed sleeping for four days, never waking. The disease was taking its toll.
Eriol had worried about the minor symptoms of a deadly disease. I had one very similar to it. The pain weaved through me in my dreams. I heard blood dripping in the realm of the dead. My own blood. Drip drip drip...
I woke to the sound of ringing. The phone. I picked it up drowsily.
" Moshi moshi?" My voice sounded strangely weak.
" Aiiya, Li Jingxi! Why didn't you tell them in the first place, you idiot! But even so,
I expect you're not taking your broth, as bitter as that may be. You naughty! How
are you feeling?"
It was Xuyan.
" Xuyan?"
" Yes, don't tell me you don't recognize my voice anymore."
" No, it's not that." I switched to Cantonese. " How did you-wait, why did you dial
this number?"
" It doesn't take a genius to find out where you are, if you're not at Yukito's. I know
you even more than Meiling does, as much as she'll hate it. And your phone
number wasn't that hard to find either. Are you alright? You sound very tired. Did
Yue treat you badly? I told you you should have told him, god sakes, when Sakura
got hit by that car, your aura froze there-I knew, thanks to that wonderful lasin
board you forgot to take with you. Your aura froze. No wonder you couldn't move.
It's a pity. I think it's the illness, don't you? You know, I just read in a book that
someone like you could bring the dead to life-if you die and trade it, but I suggest
you don't because, after all, you still have some friends back here. Hey, by the way,
if you can't stand it in Japan ( And what a sucky place it is with all the '
Konnichiwa's and everything and with the ' hai's and ' baka's) you can always come
back, you know. I just got a new cello! Isn't that great? By the way, did you take
your cello with you?"
It was an awful lot of questions and statements from Xuyan and I couldn't
answer them all, because I couldn't remember. So I answered the last one.
" No, I didn't take the cello."
" You know, you should get a full sized one. I mean, I'm tall, but you're average
enough. So, you know what I mean? And besides, a full sized cello sounds deeper
the good ones, that is. Do you still play it these days?"
" Not really."
" It's a shame, with your talent. You still sound so tired. Have you been sleeping
well?"
" What's today?"
" Today? Today's Tuesday."
" Oh...well, I can't exactly say I haven't slept well."
" Oh. How long?"
" Four days at least."
There was an awkward silence.
" Syaoran," Xuyan began. " You sound so flat. Did Yue treat you badly?"
" Not really."
" Liar. What about the others?"
" Not really. Why?"
" You fat liar! I know you better than that? Tell me what they did to you."
" Why do you care?"
" Because you're my cousin, you idiot. So tell me what happened."
I paused, and then I slowly began it all, how I saw the white van, how I froze completely and watched Sakura collied with the car. How I had stood there until I ran far away from the glares of them all, and was afraid to go to Yukito's home. How I threw away all the broth, the disdainful candies. How I turned away from all the cold stares.
All this. Without emotion.
" Heaven forbid," Xuyan muttered. " This is quite a problem. You're not yourself Syaoran. Are you alright? Do you want to come home?"
And then all of the sudden, I did want to go home. To Hong Kong, a place where I could back into. Because Xuyan was there. Xuyan, who had hated and loathed me, envied me, was there with his arms wide open.
" I..." I began, and then I stopped.
Are you sure? Asked a voice, the voice of the dead. Do you want to go back to the
life you had, separate and alone?
" But I'm alone here..." I whispered.
" What?" Xuyan called. " Syaoran, are you alright?"
" I-I-I c-can't!" I bursted out, and then I started crying for no reason. Not because of
sorrow, definetely.
" Syaoran? Syaoran?!" I heard Xuyan cry, as I quickly hung up. Voices swirled in
my head.
You are not one of them. You belong here, alone, solitary...
Do not despair, do not be afraid...
The Living world is not as harsh as you think...
It was several hours after when I began to feel nauseous, and I remembering
thinking, Gee, I should have another broth. No broth around, bitter or sweet. I
stumbled into my room.
There was another phone ring and I decided to pick it up.
" Moshi moshi?"
" Syaoran-kun," It was Eriol. " You sound very bad. Are you alright?"
" How did you know I'm here?"
" I just got nauseous and I followed it."
My brain didn't function for a minute.
" Oh. So you followed my aura."
" It's getting darker lately, Syaoran. Are you alright? Do you want me to come
over?"
" Iie, it's okay."
" You know, Yue's worried sick about you."
I hesitated. " Oh. Did you tell him where I am?"
' I just found out. Never had a chance to. Do you want me to tell him?"
" Iie. I don't want him here."
" Why not? He's your father."
" He's not my father."
There was a silence.
" You ought to forgive him, Syaoran. He's heartbroken because of Sakura."
" Because of her? Oh. I didn't know that." It was a cold sarcasm.
Eriol seemed to pick up on something. " Did he hurt you badly, Syaoran?"
I remained silent. Eriol heard the answer.
" He's very sorry, Syaoran."
" Don't tell me that." I answered. " I don't think I'd care right now, sorry or not. I'm
not staying here for long."
" Nani? Syaoran, what are you talking about?' There was a slight hint of panic in his
voice.
He was probably thinking that I wanted to be dead, but that was no option
now.
" I'm probably going home." I said. " My real home. It's better than being hated,
isn't it?"
" But you're not hated Syaoran."
I hesitated. " Really? You really think that, Eriol?"
" Syaoran-" I hung up.
I did not know why I ran out of the building. I knew the risks. But I did. All
of the sudden, I couldn't stand it anymore. It was late at night, the moon was bright
and glowing. The stars were pale. I ran down the street, and then oof, crashed into
someone. The force was so strong I fell over backwards, and then pain, severe pain
in my stomach. I doubled over.
" Jingxi?"
It's him! It's him!! And I looked up, still clutching my stomach. Yukito bent
down and held me tightly.
" Oh my god Jingxi! Jingxi, you're still here, are you alright?" He looked at me. I
stared at him, my words caught in my throat. I was captured.
" You're so pale," How could he tell at night? I continue to stare at him. I wanted to
say, ' Go away! Leave me alone!' but the words don't come out.
Ask for him, Jingxi. The voice of the dead said. Tell him what you did to all the herbs. Tell him what happened at the accident.
" I..." I began, and I couldn't continue for a moment. Then I started choking and
sobbing. " I wanted to help her!" I cried out, and I started to tremble, tremble and
tremble. " I'm sorry! I tried I honestly did,"
He silenced me and hugged me close. " I know. I know. Xuyan told me."
Xuyan, that bastard.
He slid his arm under my legs and lifted me. I gave a yelp, and I realized that blood was coming from my mouth. Yukito started running, trying to keep me quiet, and I honestly did try to keep quiet.
This time he offered me the broth and it wasn't full of disdain. The broth nearly tasted sweet. He gave me a chocolate and I ate it hungrily. I was so hungry. I was so tired. He gave me things to eat, and when he put me to bed he stayed with me for the rest of that night.
It felt so good to feel wanted and not ignored, to feel acknowledged, to feel loved. It felt even better to be human again. No wonder the Dead won't allow me to part from this world. It has so many things...
