The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 26-Sakura

When I came back I forgot everything that has to do with the realm of the dead, as was probably proper, except for the shady realm Syaoran goes to in his dream, the gate, that is. And when I came to life I had noticed the strange dark aura that everyone else had, but I didn't find out who they were until about four days later.

One should not expect a welcome back party under such circumstances. I had came back to a darker and grayer environment. I immediately noticed the depression around me, so great that I can't even cure it.

It wasn't because of the aura, that I can tell you. It was more because of Jingxi, drawing nearer to his end with each passing day. We hung out together, he bought me flowers, blushing to no end, but even with those passing times one could never erase the feeling of death.

We sat on the bench under the stars in the empty park at night, and he watched the moon as I did. The moon was pale, glowing brightly, and I found him holding my hand. For a time I watched him, he was looking down at the ground, no longer watching the moon. And I asked, what is wrong? And he answered, The moon is wrong. And when I looked back up at the moon, it was no longer white, no longer pale, with a faint tint of blue. Slowly, gradually, it turned from white to yellow, to orange, to bright red. And I asked him, what was the meaning of this? And he answered, The red moon? That has no meaning.

We held hands under the stars so many times, and yet I never gave him my answer. It seemed that his cure was far more important than my own feelings. He became tender and pure, with no hatred tainting him, a beautiful soul.

Then, as quickly as it came, the dark aura vanished. On that same night, the moon was black. Jingxi and I sat down on the same bench under the same sky.
" You mean a lot to me, Sakura." He had suddenly said. And I blinked, wondering why he had brought that up so abruptly. " As much as I always denied it, I knew it is true." He turned and smiled at me. " I guess I should have told you sooner."

I didn't tell him I knew already. " I care a lot about you too." I smiled sincerely. " I guess I should have told you first."
" A lot of things happened." He sighed.
" Hai, a lot of things did." I replied. We sat there for a while.

" I think," He suddenly spoke, " It wouldn't be appropriate if I leave without saying goodbye."
" Where are you going?"
" Away. Far far away." He had a look as if he was in a trance. " Far away, into the land of nothingness." He looked at me, again in this world. " I am a dangerous weapon, as Eriol-kun had said." And I remembered at that instant how he had always hated Eriol, never calling him by his name, even less with -kun at the end. " I am very dangerous. I can give life, trade it for another, or I can simply take it away. But the monks knew." He shook his head. " The monks knew, that's why they left. They realized already."
" What are you talking about?"

He hesitated for a long moment, as if deciding which words to use.
" I'm going." He finally said, simply, succinctly, to the point. " I'm leaving all of you. Otou-san, Tomoyo, Eriol, Spinel, the stuffed animal, Nakuru, Touya, all of you. Forever."
" Nani?" I nearly shrieked, but it came out as a whisper. " But...why?"

He looked at me, his eyes tender. " I'm weary, Sakura-chan. I loved you and I still do. But I'm weary, I'm tired. I've done my very best and have succeeded. Eleven years is a long time, and since there is no cure for this illness, to heal is not the goal. Merely to survive long enough to know one's meaning is triumph enough, and I know it now."
" I realized when I brought you back, Sakura." He went on. " That day I realized the truth when I brought you back. When you died I felt so alone, so alone, as if the world had turned its back on me. A long time ago, I had also felt alone, but I had felt that no one hated me, because I had nothing to do with anyone. I felt I was not part of this world, that I was an extra, another, an accident. When you died, I had felt all the hatred, the anger, the rage, and I felt terrible.'
And then I realized, when you came back, that as long as I am in this world, this earth, I am part of the whole, just as everyone else who make up this ecosystem, this realm of life. I am an extra. I am an accident. But I am still one of many who make up the whole circle of life. The difference was,"

He smiled, giving my hand a squeeze. " The difference was, I can choose my own fate." He looked into my eyes, his eyes of deep golden amber. " I can choose my own destiny, however unlikely it may be. And so, without knowing it, I had vowed to live until I know how to love, until I know what I am here for, until I find a daddy. A real daddy. And you know what? I did it. I lived until I knew how to love, even hate. I lived until I know what I am here for, simply to protect you, as everyone else had done, to guide you on your way, to see what others don't see and yet see what others do. And Otou-san, to let him know what being a father is like, to let him learn how to openly love, to find true happiness. And I lived until I found a father, a real father."
" But I'm weary now, Sakura. I'm tired. I have no strength left. When I brought you back, I had risked my own soul. It had escaped. But my strength didn't. It flowed through my eyes and gathered to heal your body. Heal your mind. Open the gate.'
' Sometimes," He smiled, " One must die to save many, many must die to save even more, or all must die to make way for new life, so the world can continue living. The world has showed it so many times. The dinosaurs made way for the mammals. The animals made way for the humans. One human died for many humans. Many humans died for even more, and eventually, all will die so another species can exist. But in this case, I must go. Because I choose to go." He squeezed my hand again. " Life is a heavy burden, Sakura. That's why only the strong can master it."

At that moment, It was no longer Syaoran that I saw, whom I had always recognized and subconsciously called. It was Jingxi, a good surprise, a surprise of happiness, half angel and son of a full one. He was divine. He was beautiful. He was dangerous. He was pure. As pure as white snow.



It was from that night on, when Jingxi began to weaken, began to fail. And although he became thinner and thinner until he was eventually bedridden, there was always this look in his eyes, and I knew he was not suffering.

At first it was like I was in a dream. I had just come from the dead, and I was still halfway there myself. But gradually I began to wake and I suddenly realized what was taking place and what was about to happen.

So I pondered on what to do. I knew that Syaoran was exhausted from all the fights with life and death, and he truly did want to leave. But what about us? His friends, who had been beside him to fight?

And besides, his true triumph had not been accomplished as of yet. And that would be a true triumph once it is.

So I found Yukito, who rarely came over now that he had someone else to take care of, eating dinner with us, and when Otou-san went to the kitchen I told him there was something he needed to know.

Kero heard it, hiding along the stairway. Oni-chan heard it, definetely, because he was right beside Yukito-san. And Yue heard it, because he hears everything.

And all of them grew still, and time stopped. We heard nothing of the clashing of plates, Otou-san's stove, or the sound of oil heating. The news seemed to hover in the air like ice on still water.

" He's very tired." Touya said finally in quiet tones. " Tired of fighting. It is very sudden."
" That's why he's been getting weaker." It was Yukito who said this.

We said nothing more, and during dinner everyone was quiet. Otou-san looked around and I guess he figured something was amiss. After all, why did we go to Hong Kong and suddenly come back for no reason?

And so that night I went to bed, wondering if I had done the right thing. And perhaps I did, I'm still not sure. I guess I knew, deep in my heart, that I did not want Syaoran to leave me, and perhaps I was as shocked as they were these few days.

But Yue recovered much quicker than I did.



Author's Notes: This thing is going in a totally wrong direction. I cruised along in my car of ideas and I went straight to a dead end. Someone please tell me how to make this story a S+S story because sure, there is Yue and Syaoran, but that is not supposed to be the main topic here, good god. And with all the ideas I keep on dumping in I couldn't get them out again. So someone please please please help me, because I know I'm not romantic but this is getting truly ridiculous. I really wanted this to be an S+S story and someone who has any idea of romance please help me? I'll um...never mind.