Chapter 7- (Hypothetically Dad... Again and a party)
Everything was set, the Mess tent was decorated in different color toilet paper, there was a big cake with "Happy Birthday, Sophie" written across it, there were even presents. Hawkeye and Margaret looked around at their work with satisfaction. "OK, lets go get the guests now," Hawk said laughing. They went over to Radar's office, "ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNELL: THERE WILL BE A PARTY TONIGHT CELEBRATING THE BIRTH OF SOMEONE WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE TONIGHT IN THE MESS TENT. COME ONE, COME ALL, WE'LL HAVE A NEIGHING GOOD TIME!" Hawk announced over the PA system. They returned to the Mess tent and soon it was filled with people.
"Hawkeye, who's birthday is it?" Kelleye asked loudly.
"I'm glad you asked that, Kelleye," Hawk replied, stepping up onto a table, bringing Margaret with him, "Margaret and I would like to announce-"
"DAMNIT PIERCE, YOU HAD BETTER NOT HYPOTHETICALLY SAY WHAT I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO HYPOTHETICALLY SAY!" Potter hollered from the back.
"No Col, this has nothing to do with our hypothetical conversation. As I was saying, Margaret and I would like to announce we've uncovered a special member of our unit who's been with us for a while now, who has never once let us know it was their birthday, but we've discovered it, and would like you to join us in celebrating their birthday. Everyone, I'd like to be the first to say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY... SOPHIE!"
Everyone exploded into laughter, finally realizing the joke. The music started and the party got underway. Everyone danced and had a few drinks, except Hawkeye and Margaret who were sitting at a table in the corner.
"Hawk, he's not here, what should we do?" Margaret asked, worried.
"It's OK Margaret, we'll give him a few minutes and if he's still not here, I'll go drag him to the party."
"I hope he appreciates it, I know he wont be in the mood for a party at first..."
"It'll be OK, Margaret. You did a good job with this party, by the way, the cake looks great, Sophie would love it." Hawk said, putting his arm around her in a little hug.
Potter looked over from across the tent, and sees Hawkeye with his arm around Margaret, instantly becoming enraged. "That's it, I'm talking to them now!" he thought.
Potter stomped across to where Hawkeye and Margaret were sitting. "Listen, you two. I would like to have a hypothetical talk with you!"
"All right sir, what's this about?" Margaret asked.
"Oh I think you know what this is about, hypothetically."
"Uh, hypothetically no sir."
"Col. Potter, is this hypothetical conversation, the same hypothetical conversation we were hypothetically talking about earlier in your hypothetical office?" Hawkeye asked him.
"Hypothetically, yes!" Potter was becoming enraged. "I want to know the whole hypothetical poop on this!"
"Well, hypothetically, I can't tell you the whole hypothetical poop."
"Why not?"
"Because, hypothetically, I'm not at liberty to hypothetically talk about it. My hypothetical friend might get hypothetically mad."
"Pierce!! I'm ordering you to tell me what is going on! Hypothetically of course."
"Colonel, I don't know what you're hypothetically thinking of but I don't think it's what I'm hypothetically thinking of."
"OH YES IT IS PIERCE! You think I don't know about you and Margaret and your hypothetical baby?"
"Sir, I think you definitely have the wrong ide-" Hawk tried explaining, but was interrupted.
"AH HA it's true, eh? I was right, eh? Well, let me be the first to say this hypothetical baby had better be taken care of by it's hypothetical father, YOU!"
"But sir, that's not what he's hypothetically talking abo-" Margaret interjected but was promptly interrupted also.
"And YOU, MAJOR! How could you let this happen? With him? What about your husband? You need to-"
"SIR," Margaret interrupted him for once, "I am not pregnant, not by Hawkeye not by anyone!"
"What? Who? Why all the hypotheticals?" Potter wondered out loud.
"I think it's about time I went to get Beej, it might just clear everything up." Hawk said excusing himself.
"Beej? Hey, Beej, get up!" Hawk exclaimed as he opened the door to the Swamp. Hey, didn't you hear, there's a party going on in the Mess tent, and someone's missing it."
BJ rolled over on his cot, "Hawk, I'm not in the party mood right now, can you leave me alone?"
"No Beej, c'mon," Hawk insisted, pulling BJ to his feet, "You've got to come, it's great!"
"OK, OK," Beej grumbled, shuffling along, "why are you throwing a party anyway?"
"Well, for Sophie's birthday, why else?" Hawk said with a laugh. Beej laughed which made Hawkeye smile, it had been weeks since Beej had laughed. They entered the Mess tent and everyone greets Beej, someone hands him a drink. They circulate throughout the party, talking to everyone, drinking.
"Hawkeye, Hawkeye, Hawkeye!" Beej stumbled over to where Hawk was sitting with Margaret and Potter, "I've been thinking about this all wrong, Hawkeye. It's not the end of my marriage, it's the beginning of my bachel- bachelorness," Beej slurred. Everyone at the table was surprised as he began climbing up on the table.
"Excuse me, excuse me, everyone! I have a little announcement to make," Beej got everyone's attention, "I would like to announce, that I'm giving a little preview tonight," he said, taking off his shirt, "You see, my wife is leaving me," he continued while everyone was gasping, "Yeah I know it's hard to believe, you see apparently I am going to be a father again," he said while unbuckling his belt, "just not with her." he was left standing there in his boxers only, "so now I'm going to be single and I'd like to give all the ladies present a little view of what's going to be available now," he proclaimed striking a pose. Hawkeye pulled him down off the table, "C'mon now Beej, don't talk like that, it'll be OK, you'll see."
"No, Hawk, it's OK, I can see now," Beej replied, downing a drink.
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen. He'll be performing all week" Hawk tried to make the situation seem dramatic to the fact that BJ had just said his wife was leaving him, to the fact that BJ had just stripped down to the bare essentials. He hoped that's what they would talk about and not his personal problems.
All of a sudden there was a loud crashing noise from the other side of the tent and a loud neighing cry.
"Jumping Jehosephat, SOPHIE!" Potter exclaimed as Sophie pushed her way in the Mess tent. Everyone jumped back in surprise, startling the horse. She ran around the tent, knocking posts down as she did, looking for a way out. "Potter ran after his horse, trying to calm her. She escaped through the door but the whole tent came down on the party guests. After some confusion, Hawkeye exclaimed, "I guess she crashed her own party!" Everyone began laughing, and they started pulling back the heavy canvas of the tent.
"Please nurse, don't get up," Hawk winked at the nurse who had landed on him. She rolled her eyes and got up, soon everyone was uncovered and luckily no one was hurt. Potter tracked down Sophie and then directed the enlisted men to put the tent back up.
Everything was set, the Mess tent was decorated in different color toilet paper, there was a big cake with "Happy Birthday, Sophie" written across it, there were even presents. Hawkeye and Margaret looked around at their work with satisfaction. "OK, lets go get the guests now," Hawk said laughing. They went over to Radar's office, "ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNELL: THERE WILL BE A PARTY TONIGHT CELEBRATING THE BIRTH OF SOMEONE WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE TONIGHT IN THE MESS TENT. COME ONE, COME ALL, WE'LL HAVE A NEIGHING GOOD TIME!" Hawk announced over the PA system. They returned to the Mess tent and soon it was filled with people.
"Hawkeye, who's birthday is it?" Kelleye asked loudly.
"I'm glad you asked that, Kelleye," Hawk replied, stepping up onto a table, bringing Margaret with him, "Margaret and I would like to announce-"
"DAMNIT PIERCE, YOU HAD BETTER NOT HYPOTHETICALLY SAY WHAT I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO HYPOTHETICALLY SAY!" Potter hollered from the back.
"No Col, this has nothing to do with our hypothetical conversation. As I was saying, Margaret and I would like to announce we've uncovered a special member of our unit who's been with us for a while now, who has never once let us know it was their birthday, but we've discovered it, and would like you to join us in celebrating their birthday. Everyone, I'd like to be the first to say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY... SOPHIE!"
Everyone exploded into laughter, finally realizing the joke. The music started and the party got underway. Everyone danced and had a few drinks, except Hawkeye and Margaret who were sitting at a table in the corner.
"Hawk, he's not here, what should we do?" Margaret asked, worried.
"It's OK Margaret, we'll give him a few minutes and if he's still not here, I'll go drag him to the party."
"I hope he appreciates it, I know he wont be in the mood for a party at first..."
"It'll be OK, Margaret. You did a good job with this party, by the way, the cake looks great, Sophie would love it." Hawk said, putting his arm around her in a little hug.
Potter looked over from across the tent, and sees Hawkeye with his arm around Margaret, instantly becoming enraged. "That's it, I'm talking to them now!" he thought.
Potter stomped across to where Hawkeye and Margaret were sitting. "Listen, you two. I would like to have a hypothetical talk with you!"
"All right sir, what's this about?" Margaret asked.
"Oh I think you know what this is about, hypothetically."
"Uh, hypothetically no sir."
"Col. Potter, is this hypothetical conversation, the same hypothetical conversation we were hypothetically talking about earlier in your hypothetical office?" Hawkeye asked him.
"Hypothetically, yes!" Potter was becoming enraged. "I want to know the whole hypothetical poop on this!"
"Well, hypothetically, I can't tell you the whole hypothetical poop."
"Why not?"
"Because, hypothetically, I'm not at liberty to hypothetically talk about it. My hypothetical friend might get hypothetically mad."
"Pierce!! I'm ordering you to tell me what is going on! Hypothetically of course."
"Colonel, I don't know what you're hypothetically thinking of but I don't think it's what I'm hypothetically thinking of."
"OH YES IT IS PIERCE! You think I don't know about you and Margaret and your hypothetical baby?"
"Sir, I think you definitely have the wrong ide-" Hawk tried explaining, but was interrupted.
"AH HA it's true, eh? I was right, eh? Well, let me be the first to say this hypothetical baby had better be taken care of by it's hypothetical father, YOU!"
"But sir, that's not what he's hypothetically talking abo-" Margaret interjected but was promptly interrupted also.
"And YOU, MAJOR! How could you let this happen? With him? What about your husband? You need to-"
"SIR," Margaret interrupted him for once, "I am not pregnant, not by Hawkeye not by anyone!"
"What? Who? Why all the hypotheticals?" Potter wondered out loud.
"I think it's about time I went to get Beej, it might just clear everything up." Hawk said excusing himself.
"Beej? Hey, Beej, get up!" Hawk exclaimed as he opened the door to the Swamp. Hey, didn't you hear, there's a party going on in the Mess tent, and someone's missing it."
BJ rolled over on his cot, "Hawk, I'm not in the party mood right now, can you leave me alone?"
"No Beej, c'mon," Hawk insisted, pulling BJ to his feet, "You've got to come, it's great!"
"OK, OK," Beej grumbled, shuffling along, "why are you throwing a party anyway?"
"Well, for Sophie's birthday, why else?" Hawk said with a laugh. Beej laughed which made Hawkeye smile, it had been weeks since Beej had laughed. They entered the Mess tent and everyone greets Beej, someone hands him a drink. They circulate throughout the party, talking to everyone, drinking.
"Hawkeye, Hawkeye, Hawkeye!" Beej stumbled over to where Hawk was sitting with Margaret and Potter, "I've been thinking about this all wrong, Hawkeye. It's not the end of my marriage, it's the beginning of my bachel- bachelorness," Beej slurred. Everyone at the table was surprised as he began climbing up on the table.
"Excuse me, excuse me, everyone! I have a little announcement to make," Beej got everyone's attention, "I would like to announce, that I'm giving a little preview tonight," he said, taking off his shirt, "You see, my wife is leaving me," he continued while everyone was gasping, "Yeah I know it's hard to believe, you see apparently I am going to be a father again," he said while unbuckling his belt, "just not with her." he was left standing there in his boxers only, "so now I'm going to be single and I'd like to give all the ladies present a little view of what's going to be available now," he proclaimed striking a pose. Hawkeye pulled him down off the table, "C'mon now Beej, don't talk like that, it'll be OK, you'll see."
"No, Hawk, it's OK, I can see now," Beej replied, downing a drink.
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen. He'll be performing all week" Hawk tried to make the situation seem dramatic to the fact that BJ had just said his wife was leaving him, to the fact that BJ had just stripped down to the bare essentials. He hoped that's what they would talk about and not his personal problems.
All of a sudden there was a loud crashing noise from the other side of the tent and a loud neighing cry.
"Jumping Jehosephat, SOPHIE!" Potter exclaimed as Sophie pushed her way in the Mess tent. Everyone jumped back in surprise, startling the horse. She ran around the tent, knocking posts down as she did, looking for a way out. "Potter ran after his horse, trying to calm her. She escaped through the door but the whole tent came down on the party guests. After some confusion, Hawkeye exclaimed, "I guess she crashed her own party!" Everyone began laughing, and they started pulling back the heavy canvas of the tent.
"Please nurse, don't get up," Hawk winked at the nurse who had landed on him. She rolled her eyes and got up, soon everyone was uncovered and luckily no one was hurt. Potter tracked down Sophie and then directed the enlisted men to put the tent back up.
