The lights dimmed, and Fred and George say,
"The Tale of Sir Ronsalot." Then, though no one could see this, they rushed to their places on set, banging into things.
"Oy! Who put this table 'ere? Oh, yeah, we did!"
The lights came back up, and Fred and George were standing at an open window in a castle, looking out onto miles of swamp.
"One day, lad, all this will be yours!" George says to Fred gesturing toward the window.
"What, the curtains?" Fred asks dully.
"No. Not the curtains, lad." He whacked Fred with his hand. "All that you can see," he continued, "stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad."
"But Mother--..."
"Father, lad. Father."
"B-B-But Father, I don't want any of that."
"Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was, was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands."
"But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--..."
"Rather what?!"
"I'd rather..." cheesy love music stats playing in the background. "... Just... sing!" In the background you can hear Ron crying "NO NOT AGAIN!"
"Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose Father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain."
"B-But I don't want land."
"Listen, Susan,--..."
"Fredrick."
"Fredrick. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get."
"But-but I don't like her."
"Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land." Fred murmurs just loud enough for the audience to hear. "She's my brother."
"I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have..." The cheesy music starts up again. "... a certain,... special... something!"
"Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!" George slaps Fred across the face. "Guards!" Percy and Ron enter the room. "Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him."
"Not to leave the room even if you come and get him." Percy says with a smile.
"Hic!" Ron hiccups.
"No, no. Until I come and get him." George says pointing to Fred.
"Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room." Percy says with a goofy smile.
"No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave." George says very annoyed.
"And you'll come and get him."
"Hic!" Ron hiccups again.
"Right."
"We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room." Percy says stupidly.
"No, no. Leaving the room."
"Leaving the room. Yes." Percy sniff.
"All right?"
"Right."
"Hic!" Ron hiccups yet again.
"Right." George makes to leave the room.
"Oh, if-if-if, uhh-if-if-w-ehh-i-if-if we-..." Percy stutters.
"Yes? What is it?" George asks doubling back.
"Oh, i-if-i-oh--..."
"Look, it's quite simple."
"Uh..." Percy said eloquently.
"You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?"
"Hic!" Ron hiccups again.
"Right."
"Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?" Percy asks.
"N-no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--..."
"Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--..."
"No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--..."
"Until you or anyone else--..."
"No, not anyone else. Just me."
"Just you."
"Hic!" Ron hiccups yet again.
"Get back."
"Get back."
"All right?" George makes to leave again.
"Right. We'll stay here until you get back." George comes back again.
"Hic!" Ron hiccups again.
"And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave."
"What?"
"Make sure 'e doesn't leave."
"The Prince?" Percy glances at Fred.
"Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave."
"Oh, yes, of course."
"Hic!"
"Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to Guard him when he's a Guard."
"Is that clear?"
"Hic!"
"Oh, quite clear. No problems."
"Right." George made to leave. Percy and Ron follow him out to the door. "Where are you going?"
"We're coming with you."
"No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave."
"Oh, I see. Right." Percy and Ron go back to their posts.
"But Father!" Fred shouts to his twin.
"Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!" George leaves and the cheesy music starts up again. "And no singing!" He shouts from off stage.
"Hic!" George shouts again from off stage,
"Oh, go and get a glass of water." Ron leaves the stage. Then almost immediately Harry the stand in comes in. Fred grabs a piece of parchment and a quill to write a note. All the time looking at Percy who continues to smile creepily at Fred. Fred moves to the window grabs an arrow to tie the piece of parchment on and let it go out the window (note: he shot the arrow with a bow. Duh!) The lights turn out as they change the scenery. The scenery is a pleasant little forest with a small creek running through it. Sir Ronsalot and Concorde (a.k.a. George) (The ones who left the previous scene) were 'riding' through the forest.
"Well taken, Concorde!" Sir Ronsalot exclaimed.
"Thank you, Sir! Most kind." Concorde said.
"And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Concorde!" Sir Ronsalot and Concorde were jumping from rock to rock over the stream. Suddenly an arrow that came out of nowhere hit George in the chest.
"Message for you, Sir." George said before he turned and fell over. Sir Ronsalot ran over to George and grabbed the note that was tied to the arrow.
"Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me!" Sir Ronsalot looks around to see who shot the arrow, then finds the note on the arrow. "'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my Father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Stone! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!"
"Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, Sir?" Concorde said raising his head up.
"Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!"
"I-I-I think I c-I could pull through, Sir."
"Oh, I see."
"Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, Sir--..."
"No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular..." Ronsalot sighs dramatically and leans on his sword.
"Idiom, Sir?"
"Idiom!"
"No, I feel fine, actually, Sir."
"Farewell, sweet Concorde!" Ronsalot said getting up and leaving for Swamp Castle.
"I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, Sir? Yeah." Concorde yelled after him. The lights go out for a moment and you can see the inside of a castle and the wall with Bill and Charlie standing in as the sentries on one half of the stage. The other half is still dark. You can see Percy, dressed as Princess Lucky, surrounded by a whole bunch of seventh year extras giggling. Bill and Charlie are greeting the guest as they enter. Charlie points something out to Bill. The lights change sides as we see Sir Ronsalot running across the stage. The lights change sides again and Bill and Charlie stand at the gate watching the dark. The lights move back to Sir Ronsalot and he seems farther back then he was. They switch again to Bill and Charlie and then to Sir Ronsalot seeming again farther back then he was. The light's move to Bill and Charlie where Sir Ronsalot moved came into view, killing Bill. Sir Ronsalot moves around the castle killing the guests. He gets up to where Prince Fredrik is. "Now, your not to enter the room-auggh!" Percy says as Sir Ronsalot kills him and Harry.
"Oh fair one, Behold your humble servant, Sir Ronsalot of Hogwarts. I have come to take y-Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Sir Ronsalot says bowing toward Fred and then getting up again.
"You got my note!" Fred says in joy.
"Uh, well, I-I got a-a note." Sir Ronsalot stumbles.
"You've come to rescue me!"
"Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--..."
"I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there..." Fred trailed off as the cheesy music starts again.
"Well, I--..." Sir Ronsalot started.
"... there must be... someone..."
Suddenly George burst in and said,
"Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?"
"I'm your son!" Fred whines.
"No not you." George replies, looking to Sir Ronsalot.
"Uh, I am Sir Ronsalot, Sir."
"He's come to rescue me, Father!" Fred cut in.
"Well, let's not jump to conclusions." Ronsalot muttered.
"Did you kill all those Guards?" George asked Ronsalot.
"Uh..." Ronsalot had to think. "Oh, yes. Sorry."
"They cost 50 pounds each!" George exclaims.
"Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything." Ronsalot said, seriously sorry.
"Don't be afraid of him, Sir Ronsalot. I've got a rope all ready." Fred said tying the rope to the bedpost.
"You killed eight wedding Guests in all!" George said outraged.
"Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady." Sir Ronsalot explained.
"I can understand that." George said.
"Hurry, Sir Ronsalot! Hurry!" Fred said climbing out the window.
"Shut up!" George yelled at Fred. "You only killed the Bride's Father, that's all!" He said turning back to Sir Ronsalot.
"Well, I really didn't mean to..."
"Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!"
"Oh, dear. Is he all right?"
"You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!"
"Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Hogwarts, when I got this note, you see-..."
"Hogwarts? Are you from, uh, Hogwarts?" George asked changing the subject.
"Hurry, Sir Ronsalot!" Fred shouted, dangling from the window.
"Uh, I am a Knight of King Harry, Sir." Sir Ronsalot said ignoring the cry from the window.
"Very nice castle, Hogwarts. Uh, very good hog country." Also ignoring the cry.
"Is it?" Sir Ronsalot questioned.
"Hurry! I'm ready!" Fred yelled again.
"Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?" George asked.
"Well, that-that's, uh, awfully nice of you,..." Sir Ronsalot accepted.
"I am ready!" George walked over to the bed and started cutting the rope as Sir Ronsalot rambled on.
"...um, I mean to be so understanding."
"...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away." Ronsalot explained to George.
"Oh, don't worry about that." George said.
There was a thonking sound and a whoosh. In the background you can hear Fred "Oooh!"
The lights go out for a moment, then the scene changes to a scene with the same set as the one where Ronsalot was killing all the guests. All the same seventh year extras were all the crying guests. As Ronsalot and George were coming in George was explaining to Ronsalot something.
"Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room."
As they came in, one extra looks up and, seeing Ronsalot, cries,
"There he is!"
"Oh, bloody hell." Ronsalot goes into action, swinging his sword at random and various extras.
"Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!" George cried, grabbing Ronsalot and hauling him bodily back up the stairs.
"Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone." Ronsalot apologizes.
"He killed the best Man!" someone in the crowd shouted, ignoring Ronsalot's apologies. Several of the other extras took up the cry.
"Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Ronsalot from the Court of Hogwarts, a very brave and influential Knight, and my special Guest here today." George interjected. Someone in the crowd of guests snickered.
"Hello." Sir Ronsalot said with a small wave.
"He killed my auntie!" Another one of the guests shouted. Again, the other guests took up the cry.
"Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Frederick, has just fallen to his death." George interjected again. The crowd erupted with cries of "Oh! Oh, no!"
"But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!" The crowd started to clap. "For, since the tragic death of her Father--..."
"He's not quite dead!" One of the guests, the one tending to the man, cried out.
"Since the near fatal wounding of her Father-..."
"He's getting better!"
"For, since her own Father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him." He signaled to one of the guards, and he went over and smote the man. The man 'uggh'ed in pain.
"Oh, he's died!"
"And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her Old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense." George said, interrupted by much clapping. "And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Ronsalot of Hogwarts--..."
"What?" Sir Ronsalot asked, shocked.
"Look! The dead Prince!" One of the guests cried. "Oooh! The dead Prince!"
"He's not quite dead." Charlie, as Concorde, said as he brought his brother the Prince Frederick in.
"No, I feel much better." Fred said as he is put on a table.
"You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!" George called down to his twin.
"No, I was saved at the last minute." Fred said.
"How?" George asked.
"Well, I'll tell you." Fred said as the cheesy music starts up again.
"Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!" George shouts as the situation is taken out of his hands and the music continues and all the guests start singing "He's going to tell! He's going to tell!"
"Shut uuup!" George yells, as the guests continue singing. In the midst of all the singing, Charlie, who is still Concorde, shouts across to Ronsalot,
"Quickly, Sir! Come this way!"
Sir Ronsalot shakes his head. "No! It's not right for my idiom! I must escape more..." He sighs and slumps.
"Dramatically, Sir?" Concorde supplies.
"Dramatically!" He grabs a rope attached to a chandelier on the ceiling and swings down to the ground. But he doesn't stop, and crashes into something on the other side of the hall. As the lights go out, over the sound of the music and the singing, Ronsalot can be heard saying,
"Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?"