The lights go out and the scene changes to a pet shop. George enters the shop and approaches Fred.
"'Ello, I wish to register a complaint." Fred doesn't answer him. George tries to get his attention again, "'Ello, Miss?"
"What do you mean 'miss'?" Fred asked. There was a pause.
"I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!"
"We're closin' for lunch."
"Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."
"Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?" Fred asked.
"I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!" George exclaimed.
"No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting."
"Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."
"No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!" Fred said, trying to change the subject.
"The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead." George said, changing the subject back.
"Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!"
"All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!" George starts to yell at the cage. "'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show..." Fred then pushed the cage.
"There, he moved!"
"No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!"
"I never!!"
"Yes, you did!"
"I never, never did anything..." George starts to hit and yell at the cage again.
"'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!" George takes out the parrot and starts to thump it's head on the table. Then he threw the parrot into the air and it falls on the ground. "Now that's what I call a dead parrot."
"No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!"
"STUNNED?!?"
"Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major."
"Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk."
"Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords."
"PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?" George shouted.
"The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!"
"Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there." There was a pause before Fred spoke,
"Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!" Fred made a flying motion with his hand.
"'VOOM'?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't 'voom' if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!"
"No no! 'E's pining!"
"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" There was another pause.
"Well, I'd better replace it, then." Fred looks behind the counter. "Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots."
"I see. I see, I get the picture." George said, nodding his head.
"I got a slug." Fred suggests.
"Pray, does it talk?" George asks.
"Nnnnot really." Fred admitted.
"WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?"
"Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!" Fred ripped his jacket off to reveal a red plaid flannel shirt and suspenders. He put on a beaver fur hat, and continued. "Leaping from tree to tree!" In the fastest scene change in Hogwarts history, the scene changed to a Canadian Rainforest. Fred the Lumberjack was there, still in his flannel and suspenders. He was still talking. "As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!" Lavender came over to him, dressed in a long flowing white dress. "With my best girl by my side! The Larch! The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!" And he started to sing,
"Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day."
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea."
A little ways away, Harry, Ron, Percy, George, and Oliver were standing in a line, Charlie and Bill were behind them, and Lee and Cedric were kneeling in front. They were all dressed like Muggle Canadian Mounted Policemen, or Mounties for short, in the red coats and black pants and brown hats. They were singing,
"He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea."
Fred continued by himself,
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars."
The Mountie chorus sang,
"He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????" They all looked at each other in confusion. Fred continues unawares.
"I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa."
The Mountie Chorus sings,
"He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspenders and a .... a Bra????" They all break off singing, and wander away, throwing inaudible insults at Fred. Lavender, who had had until now been hanging on Fred's arm, now unattached herself, and cried,
"I thought you were so rugged!" She walked away, and from offstage, several people threw fruit at Fred, who wandered away as the lights went out.
"'Ello, I wish to register a complaint." Fred doesn't answer him. George tries to get his attention again, "'Ello, Miss?"
"What do you mean 'miss'?" Fred asked. There was a pause.
"I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!"
"We're closin' for lunch."
"Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."
"Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?" Fred asked.
"I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!" George exclaimed.
"No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting."
"Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."
"No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!" Fred said, trying to change the subject.
"The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead." George said, changing the subject back.
"Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!"
"All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!" George starts to yell at the cage. "'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show..." Fred then pushed the cage.
"There, he moved!"
"No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!"
"I never!!"
"Yes, you did!"
"I never, never did anything..." George starts to hit and yell at the cage again.
"'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!" George takes out the parrot and starts to thump it's head on the table. Then he threw the parrot into the air and it falls on the ground. "Now that's what I call a dead parrot."
"No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!"
"STUNNED?!?"
"Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major."
"Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk."
"Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords."
"PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?" George shouted.
"The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!"
"Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there." There was a pause before Fred spoke,
"Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!" Fred made a flying motion with his hand.
"'VOOM'?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't 'voom' if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!"
"No no! 'E's pining!"
"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" There was another pause.
"Well, I'd better replace it, then." Fred looks behind the counter. "Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots."
"I see. I see, I get the picture." George said, nodding his head.
"I got a slug." Fred suggests.
"Pray, does it talk?" George asks.
"Nnnnot really." Fred admitted.
"WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?"
"Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!" Fred ripped his jacket off to reveal a red plaid flannel shirt and suspenders. He put on a beaver fur hat, and continued. "Leaping from tree to tree!" In the fastest scene change in Hogwarts history, the scene changed to a Canadian Rainforest. Fred the Lumberjack was there, still in his flannel and suspenders. He was still talking. "As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!" Lavender came over to him, dressed in a long flowing white dress. "With my best girl by my side! The Larch! The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!" And he started to sing,
"Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day."
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea."
A little ways away, Harry, Ron, Percy, George, and Oliver were standing in a line, Charlie and Bill were behind them, and Lee and Cedric were kneeling in front. They were all dressed like Muggle Canadian Mounted Policemen, or Mounties for short, in the red coats and black pants and brown hats. They were singing,
"He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea."
Fred continued by himself,
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars."
The Mountie chorus sang,
"He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????" They all looked at each other in confusion. Fred continues unawares.
"I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa."
The Mountie Chorus sings,
"He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspenders and a .... a Bra????" They all break off singing, and wander away, throwing inaudible insults at Fred. Lavender, who had had until now been hanging on Fred's arm, now unattached herself, and cried,
"I thought you were so rugged!" She walked away, and from offstage, several people threw fruit at Fred, who wandered away as the lights went out.
