Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
Snape was outside gathering lemon balm leaves to crush for a potion, going out of his way to ignore Lupin, who was deadheading his miniature rose bush. At least Lupin was quiet. Black was (Snape gritted his teeth) intolerable. Lighting a cigarette with his wand, Severus's sharp eyes honed in on a garden gnome making a hat out of his, Snape's, chocolate mint leaves. Chocolate mint leaves were about as useless as garden gnomes, but Snape liked the way they smelled. Besides, he was irritated at the garden gnomes for making fun of him.
"Get the hell out of there," yelled Snape, cigarette clenched between his teeth. He zapped the gnome into a patch of Belladonna. Gnomes wre allergic to the stuff and sneezed themselves silly when near it.
Remus looked up from his treasured miniature roses to see Snape brandishing his wand at the Belladonna plants and saying,"Who's laughing now?" He looked crazed.
About this time, Sirius strode outside holding a knife.
"Hey candyass, how many fish fillets you want? One or two?"
"One. Don't burn the chips. Sirius, why are you wearing a derby?"
"Because I can." Sirius noticed movement in his neighbor's yard and peered over. "What's Snape up to?"
"Getting even with his Belladonna plant."
"Oooookay. Hey, Snape, nice jeans!"
Sirius referred to the Slytherin's faded black jeans with two enormous holes in the knees. HIs legs were very white and rather bony. Sirius whistled.
"Shut up, you pervert. That hat looks utterly rediculus on you."
"I'm sorry. Do you want it?"
"No!" Snape whirled around and stalked towards a lawnchair, where he slumped and smoked with a scowl on his face.
Remus worked in content silence until he was pelted with a chip. He retaliated by throwing a dirtclod, and suceeded in knocking Sirius's derby off. Somehow, this turned into a game where the players used dirtclods and attempted to knock the derby off Sandy the frog lawn ornament. When they tired of the game they decided to go in and eat. As they neared the door they noticed a suspicious looking brigade of garden gnomes with their heads together. For someone as structured as Snape it was strange he couldn't rid his yard of the creatures. He certinly did not appear to appreciate them much.
A fortnight passed with little incident, unless you counted Remus and Sirius getting drunk. The only eventful thing about that had been Remus repeatedly tripping over Sandy, and falling flat on his face every time. Their yard was really coming along nicely now. Sirius rather liked the somewhat "untamed" look about it, as compared to Snape's concise flora. The man probably had his plants in alphabetical order. Sirius wondered what the man's cupboard looked like.
One breezy afternoon, Remus was on his hands and knees, carefully checking the leaves of what looked to be a Mandrake growing near the back fence. Occasionally, he glanced over into the yard to see Snape pouring an odd greenish-orange liquid over a clump of especially tough weeds. The sickly green hue of the smoke rising from the drenched weeds gave Remus a feeling of foreboding. A garden gnome trotted by singing, "Skinnnny buttt jaaaar maaaaaaan" in a drawling tone akin to that of a sheep. Remus was hard pressed not to lose his composure. He knew all about Sirius's concert via overhearing the garden gnomes conversing.
Sitting back on his heels, Remus surveyed the yard, trying to find the ideal spot for a small gazebo. A very small gazebo. Briefly, his eyes caught Snape sitting in his chair with a glass of who-knows-what. Severus leaned back and promptly tipped all the way over, long lanky legs flying upward, beverage soaring over the fence into Lupin's yard.
"Severus? Are you okay?" Remus jogged over, trying not to laugh as a brigade of on-looking gnomes guffawed and gave one another high fives. Placing his hands on top of the fence and peering over, Remus beheld Snape sprawled flat on his back, eyes large with surprise, hand still clasping the glass. "Severus, are you hurt?"
"No." Snape sat up and instantly inspected his chair. His gaze shot over to the garden gnomes. "You little bastards broke my chair!" Snape lunged at them.
"Run for it," shouted a gnome, and they sprinted towards the nearest hole, Snape scrambling after them, trailing threats.
Of course by now Remus was holding his stomach he was laughing so hard. Severus got on his feet, eyes shooting daggers at the gnome hole.
"You're going down," he announced, jutting a long, thin finger at them. Then he noticed Lupin watching the scenario and calmed a bit. "They are going to be very sorry for breaking my chair," he informed Remus, sounding a bit more like the collected, callous Potions Master than a raging looney. He didn't see a brave gnome scurry to the surface and moon him.
Lupin was still laughing when he went inside for a glass of Kool-Aid. Sirius was at the kitchen table fiddling with the innards of a pocket watch. It took Remus several minutes to coherently fill him in on Snape's battle with the garden gnomes.
"...and he just lie there like a squashed bug! I can still see it!"
"I always miss the good stuff," complained Sirius. "You should start taking a camera out there."
Remus chuckled again, then focused on Sirius's work.
"That looks very tedious. Why are you tinkering with it anyway?" He went over and brushed a lock of black hair out of Sirius's face.
"Well, first I wanted to see exactly how many parts make up a simple pocket watch. Secondly, I'm attempting to charm the parts so the watch'll announce things like "time to fu-".
Remus slapped a hand over Sirius's mouth. "You can't take that out in public if you do manage it."
Sirius grinned. "Guess what time it is?"
Next chapter: Snape officially declares war on the garden gnomes.
Snape was outside gathering lemon balm leaves to crush for a potion, going out of his way to ignore Lupin, who was deadheading his miniature rose bush. At least Lupin was quiet. Black was (Snape gritted his teeth) intolerable. Lighting a cigarette with his wand, Severus's sharp eyes honed in on a garden gnome making a hat out of his, Snape's, chocolate mint leaves. Chocolate mint leaves were about as useless as garden gnomes, but Snape liked the way they smelled. Besides, he was irritated at the garden gnomes for making fun of him.
"Get the hell out of there," yelled Snape, cigarette clenched between his teeth. He zapped the gnome into a patch of Belladonna. Gnomes wre allergic to the stuff and sneezed themselves silly when near it.
Remus looked up from his treasured miniature roses to see Snape brandishing his wand at the Belladonna plants and saying,"Who's laughing now?" He looked crazed.
About this time, Sirius strode outside holding a knife.
"Hey candyass, how many fish fillets you want? One or two?"
"One. Don't burn the chips. Sirius, why are you wearing a derby?"
"Because I can." Sirius noticed movement in his neighbor's yard and peered over. "What's Snape up to?"
"Getting even with his Belladonna plant."
"Oooookay. Hey, Snape, nice jeans!"
Sirius referred to the Slytherin's faded black jeans with two enormous holes in the knees. HIs legs were very white and rather bony. Sirius whistled.
"Shut up, you pervert. That hat looks utterly rediculus on you."
"I'm sorry. Do you want it?"
"No!" Snape whirled around and stalked towards a lawnchair, where he slumped and smoked with a scowl on his face.
Remus worked in content silence until he was pelted with a chip. He retaliated by throwing a dirtclod, and suceeded in knocking Sirius's derby off. Somehow, this turned into a game where the players used dirtclods and attempted to knock the derby off Sandy the frog lawn ornament. When they tired of the game they decided to go in and eat. As they neared the door they noticed a suspicious looking brigade of garden gnomes with their heads together. For someone as structured as Snape it was strange he couldn't rid his yard of the creatures. He certinly did not appear to appreciate them much.
A fortnight passed with little incident, unless you counted Remus and Sirius getting drunk. The only eventful thing about that had been Remus repeatedly tripping over Sandy, and falling flat on his face every time. Their yard was really coming along nicely now. Sirius rather liked the somewhat "untamed" look about it, as compared to Snape's concise flora. The man probably had his plants in alphabetical order. Sirius wondered what the man's cupboard looked like.
One breezy afternoon, Remus was on his hands and knees, carefully checking the leaves of what looked to be a Mandrake growing near the back fence. Occasionally, he glanced over into the yard to see Snape pouring an odd greenish-orange liquid over a clump of especially tough weeds. The sickly green hue of the smoke rising from the drenched weeds gave Remus a feeling of foreboding. A garden gnome trotted by singing, "Skinnnny buttt jaaaar maaaaaaan" in a drawling tone akin to that of a sheep. Remus was hard pressed not to lose his composure. He knew all about Sirius's concert via overhearing the garden gnomes conversing.
Sitting back on his heels, Remus surveyed the yard, trying to find the ideal spot for a small gazebo. A very small gazebo. Briefly, his eyes caught Snape sitting in his chair with a glass of who-knows-what. Severus leaned back and promptly tipped all the way over, long lanky legs flying upward, beverage soaring over the fence into Lupin's yard.
"Severus? Are you okay?" Remus jogged over, trying not to laugh as a brigade of on-looking gnomes guffawed and gave one another high fives. Placing his hands on top of the fence and peering over, Remus beheld Snape sprawled flat on his back, eyes large with surprise, hand still clasping the glass. "Severus, are you hurt?"
"No." Snape sat up and instantly inspected his chair. His gaze shot over to the garden gnomes. "You little bastards broke my chair!" Snape lunged at them.
"Run for it," shouted a gnome, and they sprinted towards the nearest hole, Snape scrambling after them, trailing threats.
Of course by now Remus was holding his stomach he was laughing so hard. Severus got on his feet, eyes shooting daggers at the gnome hole.
"You're going down," he announced, jutting a long, thin finger at them. Then he noticed Lupin watching the scenario and calmed a bit. "They are going to be very sorry for breaking my chair," he informed Remus, sounding a bit more like the collected, callous Potions Master than a raging looney. He didn't see a brave gnome scurry to the surface and moon him.
Lupin was still laughing when he went inside for a glass of Kool-Aid. Sirius was at the kitchen table fiddling with the innards of a pocket watch. It took Remus several minutes to coherently fill him in on Snape's battle with the garden gnomes.
"...and he just lie there like a squashed bug! I can still see it!"
"I always miss the good stuff," complained Sirius. "You should start taking a camera out there."
Remus chuckled again, then focused on Sirius's work.
"That looks very tedious. Why are you tinkering with it anyway?" He went over and brushed a lock of black hair out of Sirius's face.
"Well, first I wanted to see exactly how many parts make up a simple pocket watch. Secondly, I'm attempting to charm the parts so the watch'll announce things like "time to fu-".
Remus slapped a hand over Sirius's mouth. "You can't take that out in public if you do manage it."
Sirius grinned. "Guess what time it is?"
Next chapter: Snape officially declares war on the garden gnomes.
