If Looks Could Kill II
By Stepherz

Jack's POV

I had him pinned, and he wasn't going anywhere. My breath was erratic, and I let it calm down before I started talking again.

The afternoon sun was high and smoldering over our heads. It felt like were in an oven, it was so warm. The sun was performing its ritualistic dip behind the buildings, and although the sun was warm, a gust of wind sent me shivering.

I sighed softly, looking down at Mush. This was all wrong.

"Listen, Mush…I've known Spot since we was a mere eight. I used to live in Brooklyn. Spot knew me back when I was Francis Sullivan. He was there for me before I came to Manhattan. Mush, you gotta understand." I bit my lip, he would never understand.

"I don't gotta do anything. There ain't a single explanation that you could give me that would make up for what you did." He seemed firm, which shook my emotions further.

"Damn it, Mush! Please, try and understand…"

"I can't understand something like that."

"Just try!"

"No!" His face wrinkled in indignant anger, and I shook my head.

"Okay, don't." I paused, inhaling deeply.

He watched me for a moment, before frowning a sullen frown - the frown I would not soon forget.

"I don't want you to understand, so you don't have to." He raised his eyebrows at me, and I decided to indulge him.

My emotions were boiling over, and my eyes were growing misty, so I continued without further ado, scared that I might back down if I didn't.

"You don't know what it's like to love two people. You have no idea how it feels to be so torn apart." A tear spilled from my eye, and landed on his cheek.

"I love you, and I love him. The moment I laid eyes on you, I knew what I was feeling was wrong, but I couldn't help it. It's been years for us, Mush…years. I don't want you to know how I feel."

He sighed softly, and bit his lip.

"I would never wish this kind of pain on you…never. You hear me? Don't ever let yourself fall in love twice…it's not worth it."

My thoughts were swirling in a mass of melancholy in my mind. I was glad to have laid everything out on the table…or, almost everything. He looked up at me, his eyes narrowed skeptically.

"How many others have you 'fallen in love' with?"

How could I answer that? It was an unfair question…like I said before, I get bored easily, and I certainly get around. I had to choose my words carefully.

"I'd rather not say." I stumbled over my words, and they didn't seem like mine as they escaped from my lips.

"How many?" He nearly shouted, his tone more firm than before.

The color drained from my cheeks leaving them pale and ghostly as I looked away.

"How many, goddamn it!" He hissed, trying to keep his voice down so as not to disturb the people, who were already giving us strange looks.

It's not every day you see two boys having emotional spars at the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge.

"A lot, Mush…" His expression, in turn, faded. The fact that he had dark hair made him look even more ethereal.

"Who?" His voice was soft.

"Don't do this, Mush-"

"Who?" He put it firmly.

I was in power. I had him pinned. Why did I feel so dominated by him, then?

Before I knew what was happening, a list of names was drawn from my mouth.

"David, Race, Blink, Boots, Dutchy…there are more, I'd rather not…"

"So all this time, you've just been screwing them over?" The reality was sinking in - I was in a ditch, with no rope, and no latter to get myself out.

"No…it's not like that."

"Then explain to me, how is it?"

"Mush - I made lots of mistakes, but it's over…what's done is done."

"So you're going to give up Spot?" I knew what he was getting at.

I couldn't give up Spot. Spot was a part of me…a huge part. The tears in my eyes streamed freely down my cheeks. Mush shook his head at me. Guys like us don't cry. I wiped them away carelessly, and finally released Mush from the hold.

"Go, then. I'm sorry - but sorry's not good enough. Not for what I've done."

Mush hesitated, and I looked pointedly at him.

"I love you."

He frowned and narrowed his eyes. I watched as he picked himself up, dusted himself off, and began to walk away.

As I watched his hindside roam farther and farther from me, it felt as if a part of me were being ripped out. I couldn't let him get away.

Quickly, I got up off the ground, and ran after him.

When I caught up to him, I tugged forcefully at his shirt, and we both reeled into a vacant alley.

I pressed him to the wall, a tall, slender side to a restaurant. I was surprised to find his face marred with a scowl.

"Mush…"

"Haven't you done enough?" He struggled against me, but I held him, barely.

I couldn't let him escape. Spot was wonderful, he was true, faithful and provided me with the most impure love I had ever experienced…but Mush…he meant so much to me. Spot was lust and love, but I was sure that this was pure…true, untouched love.

I pressed my lips vigorously to his, despite his yelp of surprise, and rejection to me. I kissed his cheek, my lips roving down his gullet, and back, trying to enjoy the moment, which wasn't much of one, as he tried to fend me off.

"Stop it, Jack."

"I love you, Mush." I declared, with a smile upon my lips.

"I don't care." His gaze averted automatically to the ground next to us.

I tilted his chin towards me, firmly holding it there.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me." I loosened my grip on him.

He looked me in the eyes. His expression was hard, and his bottom lip trembled a bit before he managed to spit out the words, which would haunt me until my dying day.

"I don't love you." With that, he shoved me away from him, but I had nearly done that myself, backing away in shock. He spun on his heel, and walked out of the alley.

I sank to the ground, my back against the wall. I didn't have to be ashamed of the tears as they flowed from my eyes. There was no on there to see them, save the rats that scurried along my ragged boots, and through the garbage-ridden alley.