October 30, 2008
October has never been her favorite month. She loves the fall season, and Halloween of course. But she dreads her birthday. Who doesn't? At this age it feels like such an adult thing to hate your birthday and not want to celebrate it. You spend the week or so before trying not to talk about it if at all possible. Then the day comes and there's that pit of doom in the bottom of your stomach at the thought that someone might have remembered or decided to bring it up and you'll have to sit through the uncomfortable fifteen seconds of singing just to blow out the candles and hope it all ends quickly. Your wish? Of course I didn't forget the wish. You wish that next year, this doesn't fucking happen again. The end.
She got lucky this year. Seeing as just days before hers, she and Spencer had damn near died at the hands of Benjamin Cyrus. It trumped anyone thinking about birthdays. The team had spent the next week taking turns to check in on the two agents. Asking how they were, stopping by with ice cream or a movie. Rossi even had them all come over for one of his special dinners. There's nothing like a near death experience for you and everyone you're close with to realize how quickly things could change. It's bittersweet. You add another trauma to your already larger than normal list but for just a bit, everyone is around all the time and you don't even have a chance to feel lonely.
It's been three weeks. Her bruises and cuts are healed by this point. Her emotional damage, not so much. It's not like she couldn't bounce back, she's Emily Prentiss so let's be real. But even though she hated celebrating herself, she didn't expect to get zero birthday wishes. Not even one from her mother. So that, along with the fact that she had recently almost died in a fiery blaze after being beaten just wasn't sitting well with her. She was in a funk that she was finding hard to shake.
It's a cliché, crisp and foggy October morning. Sat on the deck, with a coffee cup in one hand and a book in the other. She's warmed by the hot liquid in her stomach and the oversized FBI sweater she's wearing. Nightmares had jolted her awake around four-thirty in the morning, so she's been out here ever since. Her night sweats long dried, and her throw blanket only half on her now that it wasn't under fifty degrees. She had watched the sunrise and the squirrels playing in her backyard, in search of their breakfast. Breakfast. Her stomach growled, which made her realize she had only consumed about 3 cups of coffee at this point and she should probably get up and eat something of substance.
She closed her book, downed the rest of her coffee, and carried everything back inside before heading to the kitchen. While rummaging through her fridge for something that wasn't completely out of date, she heard a knocking at her door. Her eyes flickered to the clock on her stove. 8:02am. Who could possibly be here at this time? The team had gotten back from Modesto, California just last night, and Halloween wasn't until tomorrow so she knew she didn't have any plans. Shutting the fridge, she walks to the door and opens it. Derek Morgan.
"Sorry I'm late." He greets her apologetically, letting himself in. Her thin brows are knitted tightly together in confusion, watching as he sets down a few bags on her coffee table. He isn't dressed in his normal attire either. A white turtleneck sweater contrasts perfectly against his darker skin tone. He's paired it with a soft, tan coat that stops just above his knees, and some black slacks that the sweater is tucked into at his waist. A small and dainty gold chain swings from his neck as he's bent over the table while setting the things down. She mentally noted that he smelt of sandalwood and spice when he had walked by.
"I'm sorry, did I forget something or are you sleepwalking into my house right now?" She questioned, shutting the door behind her anyways to keep the cold breeze out. She crosses her arms over her chest as she walks closer to him, attempting to peek at the what was in the plastic bags. A deep chuckle escapes past his lips and he shakes his head, standing up straight to look at her. "No and no. But, you couldn't possibly think that I would let you go this year without celebrating your birthday right?" Her arms immediately fell to her sides, huffing and rolling her eyes. "What the hell. How did you even find out?" She looked at him through narrowed eyes and he couldn't help but to laugh at her childlike pouting. "I won't reveal my sources." She knew there was only two choices between Spencer and Penelope when it came to this betrayal. But knowing there was no way in hell PG would have knowledge of her birthday and not tell everyone to make sure they didn't miss it, she knew who the traitor was. "Fucking Reid.." She cursed under her breath, receiving another laugh from her colleague and friend.
"Listen, Derek, there's really nothing to celebrate. I do appreciate the gesture, really. But this isn't my thing you know?" She watched as he listened intently, nodding his head when she was done. "You got some more of that coffee?" He asked, pointing to the obvious coffee stain on her sweater. She offered him a soft smile, motioning to the kitchen. "Maybe some tea though, I've already enjoyed my caffeine intake for the day." He turned back while walking to give her a smile. "Tea it is."
It wasn't long before she was handed a hot cup of lemon ginger tea and led back onto her deck outside. She had grabbed her blanket off of the couch once again as they moved towards the sliding glass doors. Both of them sitting in chairs on opposite sides of the small wood platform. It was quiet for a bit, nothing but the sound of leaves blowing across the now dead grass and sips of tea.
"I wish you could see it." He finally said, his eyes still fixed out into the backyard. Why the hell is he being so quizzical today? She thought to herself. "See what?" Even though he wasn't looking at her, he could feel her brown eyes burning a hole in his side. "How loved you are. How great you are. How badass you are." An enchanted smile creeping onto his face at the last one. Emily didn't know how to respond to that. Any compliments made her uncomfortable. It was just unfamiliar territory until she was almost an adult and away from her mother so she had never really gained the skills in order to know how to accept them. He didn't push her to respond, his way of telling her that he knows without actually saying it out loud. Instead he moved to relax and rest his back against the chair, propping his feet up and hooking one of his arms behind his head before continuing.
"I know shit has been rough for you since you got to the BAU." If he only knew what had come before. "It's hard coming into a team that has already had time to settle and become a family. Rossi joining took that 'new girl' title off of you a little bit but I can tell you don't always feel like you belong. I can tell by moments like this. Like you not telling everyone something as simple as your birthday." He turned his head to look at her for a second before moving to look away again. "I can take it." He said in a monotone way. Maybe it was technically too soon to be bringing it up, but it hadn't stopped repeating in his head like a mantra since she'd said it. "That's your problem Emily. You can take it. You can take whatever life throws at you and never back down. It doesn't take a genius to see it written in your eyes. But I'm not you. I can't take it. There's been multiple times in my life that I've been worried about losing someone. Those come in different levels though. With my dad, I wasn't prepared. I only knew of it in the moment it happened. I only had sixty seconds to prepare for the grief that was to come. When Penelope got shot, I was in a church praying for the first time in years. When I found out, I was worried that she was in pain and that the son of bitch might come back to try and finish what he messed up, but I wasn't worried that she was going to die. I knew she would eventually be okay and we'd catch him. Three weeks ago, I reached a new level. The worst one I had yet to experience. You." Her tongue ran over her dry bottom lip, before taking the inside of her cheek between her teeth to chew on. Her stomach had tied itself into multiple knots at the fresh memory.
"It made me realize that I don't want time. I don't ever want to know that death is coming until it happens. Because listening to you in there, knowing you were being hurt, and that there was a huge possibility that you weren't going to come out alive was a different type of hell." Tears burned at the brim of her eyelids, quickly blinking them back, but staying silent. "You don't feel that type of grief before actual death for just anyone. That was the day I knew that I was in love with you." Now he was looking at her. She was convinced the only thing he could hear was her heart nearly beating out of her chest. Their eyes were locked but no words were said for what felt like an eternity.
"You're a good guy." Her tone was soft and warm. She could see that it didn't taken him long to realize what she was doing. Butterflies began to flutter around in her abdomen at his cultivating smile; her favorite smile. "You think?" He played along. She gave him a tight lipped smile, nodding her head slowly. Turning in her chair, her feet now sat flat against the wood underneath them. "Yeah," She leaned forward and gently took his hand into hers. "You make the people around you feel good."
Six months. She was only with the team for six months before Emily realized that her love and caring for Derek went deeper than friendship. A Wednesday in May while scouting for tips on the case they were working. It was like a switch flipped in her head and there was no going back at that point. But considering her past, her very recent past, she wasn't ready to put herself out there. Honestly, she didn't know if she ever would be. Especially considering the fact that this is Derek Morgan of course. Derek Morgan who isn't looking to settle down. Derek Morgan who almost can't even help but to flirt with anything that looks in his direction. Derek Morgan who she didn't want to share.
She didn't have to say any actual words for him to understand why she was bringing up that night. That was one of the best things about them as a pair. They could give a look, or have a certain posture to themselves and the other could pick up on what was running through their head purely on gut instincts. As much as he wanted to do nothing more than but to kiss her in that moment, he didn't feel it was the right time. Apparently she didn't either which made him feel better about it. He didn't want it to happen just because. He wanted it to mean something greater.
Standing from his seat, and pulling her to stand with him, he wrapped his arms around her and gave her the tightest embrace possible without injury. They both held it there until their muscles began to ache from the tension. When they eventually separated, he placed a kiss on her forehead, then moving them both to walk inside. "I hope you haven't had breakfast yet. We still have plans wether you want it to be about your birthday or not." He dug around into one of the bags he had sat on her coffee table for a moment before pulling out a very small black gift bag and a card. He handed it to her, insisting she not open it in front of him. "Go upstairs and shower and get ready for the day. I'll make us some food while you do so."
Not that she was complaining, but this day had started out understatedly unexpected. Looking in the mirror, she cringed slightly at her appearance. There was no way the man downstairs had just confessed his love for her when she was in such a state. Her long dark hair was tangled and frizzy. Her bangs sporting three different types of textures and the bags under her eyes telling their own story of the nightmare that had woken her up early this morning. She brushed her hair, along with her teeth, and decided to open the gift before getting into the shower. She pulled a mid length black box from the bag, opening it to find a necklace. Inside was a silver chain, with a small circle pendant that had nothing but a '3' carved into it. A bit confused, she reached for the card, hoping and figuring that it would explain more.
'If I had three lives, I'd marry you in two. The other? Perhaps that life over there at Starbucks, sitting alone, writing—a memoir, maybe a novel or this poem. No kids probably, a small apartment with a view of the river, and books—lots of books—and time to read. Friends to laugh with, and a woman sometimes, for a weekend, to remember what skin feels like when it's alive. I'd be fitter in that life, vegan, practice yoga. I'd go to art films, farmers markets, drink martinis in swanky suits and big rings. I'd vacation on the Maine coast and wear the dress shirt weekend girl had borrowed, loving the smell of sweat and perfume more than I did her. I'd walk the beach at sunrise, find perfect shell spirals and study pockmarks water makes in sand. And I'd wonder sometimes if I'd ever find you.' Sarah Russell. She should've known. They'd had a conversation about the poem being a favorite for them both during one of their many writing and book discussions. He had clearly planned this long before today, probably in the days after everything had happened with Cyrus.
She smiled to herself and left the necklace laying on her bed so she could go shower. Once she had arrived back downstairs, she was immediately greeted by the scent of food when walking into the room. "And here I was thinking Rossi was the only great cook on the team." She teased. He turned to see her standing in the open doorway of the kitchen. Her bangs were straight but there were some loose curls throughout the rest of her hair. She wore camel colored corduroy overalls, put together with a black turtleneck that looked similar to his own, and of course–the necklace sitting there perfectly around her neck. He had never really saw her in any attire other her normal work clothes that, when you work as much as they do, tend to become your everyday clothes as well. He must've been staring for longer than he thought because he earned a laugh from her direction and a playful shake of her head. "Are you going to let me eat or watch me wither away from starvation?"
Once sat at the dining table, she noticed the sunflowers that were now sat in a vase in the middle of the table. She gently touched and admired them before a plate was sat down in front of her, joined also by him across the way. "French toast with a blueberry compote, homemade lemon whipped cream, and a sprinkle of powdered sugar to top it off." He explained before she could ask. Her eyebrows were raised, obviously amused and impressed. "Wow. I won't lie, I wouldn't have taken you for a french toast master. This looks great, thank you." And great it was, considering she'd cleaned her plate in less than five minutes without a single word spoken in between bites.
She gathered up their dishes and sat them in her sink before sitting back down across from him at the table. "Fine." She caved. "We can do whatever it is you have planned today, but you're right. I don't want it to be for my birthday. Treat it as if this is our first date." His wide smile overtook his face for what felt like the hundredth time already that day and he nodded in agreement. "I can definitely do that." He stood from his seat and grabbed his jacket and keys, eager to get started on their plans. She followed suit quickly behind him, hopping up into the passenger side of the vehicle so that he could drive. She finally asked once he had turned it on and got the heat going to warm them up. "So, where are we heading to?" She questioned. He backed out of her driveway, and started down the road, turning to look at her when he eventually got to the first stop sign. "The pumpkin patch."
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They spent nearly four hours at the pumpkin patch that morning. Between the numerous cups of hot apple cider to keep the fall seasons chills away, the way he nearly had to drag her away from the petting zoo, and her extreme indecisiveness when it came to picking out a pumpkin, they had gotten carried away with the time. Not that either of them minded. Because along with all those things, there were the laughs, the almost shy handholding, the moments where they couldn't help but to get distracted in watching the other in whatever activity they were doing, and most importantly, the freeing feeling they both felt in letting themselves be open with each other to the full extent.
They went to a flea market that wasn't very far from the patch afterwards and found something to eat for lunch. There wasn't some romantic picnic or anything. The pair sat contently at an old table under a bare oak tree and next to the public trash cans. But they loved every minute of it. It might as well been the fanciest restaurant in town.
It's now nine o'clock. The sky is dark, stars are out, and the last couple of hours had been entertained with pumpkin carving. They only suffered one very small cut, and one short lived pumpkin guts fight luckily. She joked that he was a hopeless romantic when she saw the 'E D' carved into his pumpkin which he probably would've blushed about if he didn't know that she was secretly one too. They mutually agreed that both of them were still too full from their lunch to really feel up to a full dinner so they instead opted for some frozen pizza.
Seven out of eight greasy slices, and one horror movie later they made their way back outside onto her back deck. Lighting candles inside of their carved pumpkins before setting them on the stairs side by side. Standing back in order to applaud their work. "You know. There's one thing that would really make this night complete.." He started, but instead of continuing to explain he pulled his phone out of his back pocket. She watched him curiously as he scrolled around the device, wondering what he was possibly up to. Soon enough a melody begins to play as he walks a over and sets his phone on the steps. 'Grow As We Go' by Ben Platt playing at full blast over the speaker.
You say there's so much you don't know.
You need to go and find yourself.
You say you'd rather be alone.
'Cause you think you won't
Find it tied to someone else.
Normally in a situation like this, Emily would be cringing into a deep hole, grossed out by the lovey dovey like a child who's mom had just kissed them on the cheek in front of all their friends. But instead, she chose to and wanted to embrace it. Following his lead, she took his invitation he had given with the extension of his hand towards her. He instantly pulled her close, one hand resting in the curve just above her hip and the other holding her hand closely to his chest.
Who said it's true the growing
only happens on your own?
They don't know me and you.
I don't think you have to leave.
If to change is what you need.
You can change right next to me.
She offered him a smile before gently resting her head against his shoulder, letting him guide them into a rhythm of sways and steps, both of them barefoot in the brittle grass. The only sound other than the music in the back was his heartbeat against her ear and the combination brought her a comfort she'd never known was possible until this moment.
When you're high, I'll take the lows.
You can ebb and I can flow.
And we'll take it slow.
And grow as we go.
You won't be the only one.
I am unfinished.
I've got so much left to learn.
I don't know how this river runs.
But I'd like the company.
Through every twist and turn.
When the chorus of the song rolled back around, he spun her around like they were at some fancy ball and she threw her head back laughing at the way he was theatrically singing along with the words. Not long after, he no longer could keep up the act and joined in on her laughter. Her joy was contagious.
I don't know who we'll become.
I can't promise it's not written in the stars.
But I believe that when it's done,
We're gonna see,
That it was better,
That we grew up together.
This was it. The greater moment he had been waiting for. He didn't have to question if this was the right timing, his body just reacted as if his heart had taken control of his brain and was telling him 'Just do it for Christ sake!' Keeping one of his hands on her side, he cupped the back of her neck and pulled her into a passionate but slow kiss. Her lips were soft and velvety like the inside of a rose against his. They were both so lost in the heat of it, that their 'I love you's' that followed felt normal, like they had said it everyday since meeting.
Tell me you don't wanna leave.
'Cause a change is what you need.
You can change right next to me.
Things weren't always going to be easy. Of course once they became more serious in their relationship moving forward, things would get hard with their jobs. But both of them knew without discussing it that they were okay with that and were ready to take that battle on when they got there. Waking up on this unsettling day, filled with the same nausea as the last three weeks, she never would've expected the night would be ending like this. She certainly didn't expect that October 30th would now be logged in her brain as one of the best days of her life.
