"Morning," J.J. said to Reid as he entered the break room. Emily was standing with her. "How are you doing?"
"I'm outstanding," Reid said bitterly. He left it at that. Emily and J.J. glanced at each other, concerned. Reid quickly went to fix himself some coffee.
"Anyway," Emily said, continuing whatever conversation was occurring before Reid's interruption. "I really don't think I'm going to see him again. He's just… I don't know, there was just something… something didn't seem right."
Reid didn't respond and J.J.'s attention was wavering towards him. "I'm sorry," she answered. "I know you really liked him."
"The feelings have evaporated. I just wish I hadn't already slept with him."
Both girls jumped as Reid slammed the sugar container on the counter. He still didn't turn around. The girls shared another worried look before Emily spoke up. "Um… are okay Reid?"
"I already told you, Emily," Reid said, not bothering to turn, "Would you like me to repeat myself?"
"I've just never… seen you so tense. It's not about your therapy, is it?"
"Emily, I don't recall my therapy being your business." he responded.
She nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry." Emily drew her attention back to J.J. "I'll see you in the conference room."
She left in a rush leaving the two alone. J.J. knew what was going on.
"Did you get my message?" she asked.
"It's none of your business either, so don't try." He replied.
"Okay," she said, understanding that he wanted it to be left alone. "But if you need someone to talk to-"
"-I don't!" And finally he whipped around. She was a little scared. Truly, J.J. didn't believe Reid had ever been quite so furious before.
"But if you do… you know where I am."
She went to the door, about to leave. "J.J." Reid said, staring at the floor.
"Yes?"
"…Thank you."
She smiled, but left him alone to whatever antagonistic issues he was facing.
…
Monday morning arrived and Riley arrived at the court house. She had the strangest sensation that she was heading towards the gallows while waiting to go into the court room. She sipped her coffee, repeating her testimony and reasoning over and over in her head.
She took a break from recalling her details to relax for a second. It would do no good, going in there stressed and tense, it would only make the process harder.
She sat down on the bench, her coffee cup in hand, and let her mind wonder. Looking down at her feet, she felt so out of place, wearing black heels. She missed her Mary Jane's, but the heels were more professional and
being taller might make her seem older. If she seemed older, they might trust her judgment better. She wondered if she would be taller than Spencer in these things…
And that brought her back to their episode the day before in her office. She couldn't believe she had broken his heart like that. Maybe if she had just had a little more time to think about it, she would have realized… no, what was she saying? They couldn't be together. Not now, not ever.
Her mind went for a moment to Saturday night, giving her flashing images of the night they had shared. In her bed, until the wee hours of the morning. Riley had never been with a lot of guys, but she could tell the connection with Spencer was something that didn't come around every day. Hell, she knew Spencer himself was not someone who came along every day. And she hadn't been lying; she hadn't had sex in a long time. Almost a year in fact. Being with Spencer was completely worth the wait.
And then afterward, they had stayed up late talking. She couldn't remember exactly when she fell asleep, only that at one point, she was so tired she couldn't keep her eyes open and drifted off to the sound of his voice. And then woke up and found her sleeping in his arms.
Then, she thought, you got out of bed, the spell broke, and you completely lost your mind. She took another sip of her coffee. "You burned that bridge now, and there's no going back. If you don't focus, you're going to screw this up, too!"
The others were heading into the court room. She finished her coffee and tossed the cup away. She smoothed her business skirt (which was completely out of character for her as well, it barely moved when she walked) and got her mind set. She may have lost Spencer, but she was not going to lose this trial.
…
Four days later, stuck in freezing Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the B.A.U. was in the middle of a complicated case. Reid hadn't been so involved on a case in weeks and was finally happy to have full concentration on his work again.
He knew, though it was the only distraction he could find. Whenever his mind wasn't centered on work, it went back to one person: Riley.
Her case had been last Monday. Today was Wednesday and he'd heard no word. A small part of him, though he hated to admit it, was hoping she'd realize what a mistake she made as soon as she won her case and come running back to him, begging him to overlook her moment of insanity.
The basis of her reasons was completely logical, of course. They couldn't have a relationship, not as long as she had his files in her drawers. And they shouldn't have slept together, though he didn't regret a second of that night. As much as it hurt, he did agree with her.
What he hated was the sham reasoning for things. Why he "thought" he was in love with her and she loved him back, why they had been together that night, and why he had opened up to her like that. He loved her… he still loved her, but he wasn't sure if now he could ever forgive her.
"Reid," Rossi said, pulling him from his train of thought. "Can we talk?"
"…about what?" Reid asked.
"About why you snapped at Emily the other day."
She tattled on him. "Why is she concerned?"
"She's not, let's just go and have a little chat."
Reid felt like he was being pulled into the principal's office… well, this is what he thought being into the principal's office would feel like, anyway, had it ever happened.
Morgan was alone in the Milwaukee P.D. break room, reading some indiscernible magazine. He set it down as Rossi and Reid walked in and Rossi shut the door.
"What is this about?" Reid asked.
"Emily told Morgan about you're little spat at her the other day. Just casually, but Morgan told me. He's the one who's concerned."
"I don't really see why everyone needs to be involved in my business." Reid said, directly to Morgan.
Stepping forward, Reid was almost sure he was going to hit him. Instead, he spoke up. "Hey, Rossi… would you let me talk to him in private."
Rossi took a minute to respond. "Alright," he said. "Play nice, boys."
Rossi left them alone and Reid suddenly felt nervous. Rossi was one thing, but he would have to tell Morgan the truth.
"What's going on, man? I know you're having problems with the vivacious Dr. Parker, but that's no reason to take it out on us."
"Morgan, you don't know what you're talking about."
"Then why don't you fill me in?" he asked. "J.J. came to me; she said you confided in her."
"Are you kidding me, she told you!" he exclaimed, still trying to keep his voice low. "I can't believe her."
"Reid, man, we're worried about you." Morgan explained. "Me and J.J. and Emily and Garcia-"
"Garcia knows, too!" Reid was furious. "What about Hotch? I doubt he knows other wise I'd be fired!"
"Hotch hasn't let on that he knows anything, and we haven't told him. Now come on. I know you have feelings for Dr. Parker. You admitted that, and that's what I told you to do. Maybe if Dr. Parker herself knew, she'd be able to help you with them. She's being paid to help you with your problems; you might find the feelings go away if she knew."
"Oh she knows, Morgan," he said.
"Really? You told her?" He seemed skeptical.
"Yeah. Before and after I slept with her."
If there was ever a time Derek Morgan could remember being speechless before now, none came to mind. It took him more than a minute to wrap his mind around this, and before he could, Reid threw a retort at him.
"Let me say it for you. 'Wow, Reid, that was a stupid thing to do. I didn't think it was possible for you to actually do something this dumb and insane.' But I already understand all that, seeing as how I managed to get my dignity destroyed and my heart broken in a less amount of time than it took to throw my career out the window."
With that, Reid rushed out of the break room and back to work. Before he could go after him, he answered a call from Garcia on news pertaining to the case.
…
Late that evening, the team returned to Quantico victorious. It was almost nine by the time they reached they office. Paper work could be done in the morning. Everyone said their goodbyes and began heading out.
Reid, in spite of himself, actually felt a little calmer since he had blown up at Morgan. He was still completely disheartened, but he was starting to feel guilty for taking it out on the team.
"Emily," Reid said, catching up to her at the elevator.
She stopped, looking a little startled he had called her. "Yeah, Reid?"
"I… I just wanted to apologize for… yelling, I guess, at you Monday morning."
"Reid, I'm sorry. You're absolutely right; it was none of my business."
"I still shouldn't have acted like that. I'm just… I'm nursing a broken heart."
"Oh, Reid," she said, giving him a hug. "I'm sorry. If I'd have known-"
"It's not your fault." He said, hugging her back. It actually made him feel a little better, having some human contact. "I just don't know how to handle this. This isn't something I've ever read in a text book."
"That's true," she said, letting him go. "But listen, just so you know, whoever she is, if she doesn't want to be with you, then she's not worth it."
"You know who she is; I know you guys have been talking behind my back."
Emily looked a little guilty. "She's still not worth it." She turned to a whisper. "And believe me, she is definitely not worth your badge.
"You know what's really crazy…" he said as the doors opened and they climbed in to head downstairs. "Out of everything I know, and no matter how many people tell me that… I still can't figure out why that statement is true… because I really thought she was."
He left Emily at the front door, though she had offered to drive him home. Instead, Reid decided to go for a casual walk. They parted ways and Reid started a journey through the city, heading no where in particular, at least that's what he believed.
Over an hour later, he saw the library just a few blocks away. It would be closed by now, but he didn't feel like going there anyway. He headed in a different direction, and after awhile, he had a feeling he knew where his legs and mind were taking him.
Sure enough, her apartment building sat on the corner just in the distance. The snow from the previous night had been salted and melted away from the streets and walk, like they had never existed. Maybe Saturday had never happened at all.
Across the street, Reid leaned against another building, staring up at the two fifth floor windows on the corner and knew he was looking right in her bedroom. The light was on. She was home and still not in bed. Checking his watch, which as usual sat over the sleeve of his sweater, it was just a little past eleven. He stood, continuing to stare, staying out of the white street light just in case she should look out the window. He must have been crazy; the light was nothing like moonlight.
His heart seemed to stop as he saw her in the window, wearing pajama pants and a Harvard sweatshirt for bed. It wouldn't matter what she wore, she'd still be beautiful. Her hair was loose and looked freshly brush. He couldn't be sure, but she looked like she'd been crying. Riley stood at the window closing the blinds, blocking everything from sight.
"Goodnight, my love," he whispered. This was beyond obsession as it was; staring at covered windows just because she was behind them was definitely over the top. He took one last glance and blew her a kiss, wishing he were crawling into bed with her. Just to be near her and watch her sleep again.
Reid eventually made it to the other side of town and back to home. He was glad Riley had never been inside. It was one of the few places that didn't remind him of her.
He went into his bedroom and started to change for bed. Seeing the flashing light on his answering machine, he was surprised. Typically anyone who needed to contact him called his cell number. It was the number on his business cards, pretty much only his team knew his home number, in case of emergencies. He hit the machine and listened, praying something wasn't wrong with his mother.
"…Spencer," His heart broke all over again at the sound of that voice. "It's… it's Riley. Listen, I know… I know you hate me right now. I hate myself, too. Believe it or not, I do. I… I tried to get your case turned over to someone else, but… being this far into your treatment and your next evaluation… they wouldn't let me without a legitimate reason so… you need to be there on Sunday. We've already risked our jobs enough, so it wouldn't be a smart decision to skip it, just because I'm the lowest form of scum on the earth… Anyway… I'll see you on Sunday."
He thought it was over and went to erase the message. Just before he hit the button, he heard. "Oh, and one more thing… I, um… I lost the trial on Monday. Fueller was let out this morning." The words were harder to get out, and Reid knew she was crying. "Listen, I heard you might be getting back sometime today. It's just after eight now and I'm going to bed around eleven… so if don't hate me too much, could you call me back before then… I just really need my best friend right now."
The message ended. Reid didn't erase it immediately. He sat on the edge of the bed. If he had come straight home… He picked up his phone to dial her cell phone, but stopped before he found her contact, setting the phone back down. Riley was not the lowest form of scum on the earth. That role belonged to Spencer Reid.
