It was a beautiful day in Sotenbori. Old men were being attacked in the streets, children were dancing (but it was also a fight,) and the river was so oily you couldn't see any water (oil floats on water.)

Shun Akiyama stared out of the second story window at Sky Finance Sotenbori, wondering what would happen if he covered himself in said oil, then waited for it to rain. It was innovations like these that put the 12 yakuzillion dollars into his safe.

Unfortunately, before he could patent the idea, the office phone started ringing violently. He had no idea who was calling, but he got the feeling the phone was vibrating more aggressively than usual. That means the call could only be from one person.

Akiyama sighed, stared out at the beautiful, oily water, then reluctantly answered the phone.

「もしもし」he began, but was cut off almost immediately by the howling banshee he called a secretary.

"Chief!" the fatal female screeched. "I've been trying to get a hold of you for fifteen seconds! How dare you take so long? I thought you were dead!"

"Good morning to you too—"

"No time for that! Money. Get it. NOW!"

Akiyama sighed and pouted his lip like somehow she could see it through the phone. FaceTime had already been invented, but this was an office phone afterall.

"Alright, Hana-chan. I'll get it. If I have time."

"We're going to go bankrupt! Do you know how hard it is to maintain all twelve yakuzillion dollars?!"

"Oh, uh, I think I hear someone knocking at the door. I'll have to call you back," he lied, knocking on his desk to replicate the sound.

"BULLSHIT—" Hana-chan cried as he gingerly placed the phone back in its place, ending the call.

"Phew. Glad that's over with," Akiyama whispered to himself, laying down on the futon like he couldn't afford a real bed? Unfortunately, his chance to reconcile from the harrowing encounter was cut short by a real knock at the door. He begrudgingly got up from his possibly designer futon and walked to the door.

Upon opening the door, he couldn't even tell at first that what he was looking at was a person. He leaned his head back so he could see who this massive hunk of man was. The man wore a fedora, glasses, a gray suit jacket, and a red V-neck so stretched it became a U-neck. He tipped his fedora at Akiyama.

"Good day, fine sire. The name's Hiroya Egashira, but those on the street know me as one Mr. Shakedown."

"Mr. Shakedown," Akiyama echoed, backing away from the door. "You don't look like either of the Shakedowns in Sotenbori."

"They have been conquered, good sir, slain by my righteous hand."

"You'd do that to your own family?" Akiyama gasped, completely unaware the Shakedown family tree wasn't actually related by blood.

"I'm afraid some sacrifices must be made in the pursuit of becoming the ultimate life form," Mr. Shakedown said as he ripped off his jacket and VtU-neck to reveal a Yakuza-style Shadow the Hedgehog tattoo on his back.

"What the—" Akiyama sputtered. "Why do I always attract the weirdos?"

"There's nothing unusual about seeking higher power, wouldn't you agree sir?"

"Maybe, but I get the feeling you didn't come here to ask for a loan," Akiyama countered, raising his fists.

"On the contrary, good sir," he adds, tipping his fedora again for emphasis. "It's as if you read my mind. As it happens, a loan is exactly what I'm after. Shaking down people in the street is one thing, but in their own homes? Barbaric."

"Oh, well, in that case, I'll be needing to know how much you want to borrow."

"I am not after a number, you see. To achieve the incomprehensible goal that I am after, one cannot limit oneself."

"... you're after the twelve yakuzillion."

"I'm after the twelve yakuzillion."

Akiyama rubbed his temples.

"C'mon man! Don't you know wars have been fought over billions? A yakuzillion is worth at least a yakuzillion times that!"

Mr. Shakedown pushed up his glasses, the reflection from the ceiling light turning them shiny and opaque.

"Are you saying you aren't willing to lend me the money? Your company slogan claims that 'No amount is too large.' Pretty misleading advertising if that happens to be false. I may even consider… leaving a bad review."

Akiyama gulped. Hana-chan would drive to Sotenbori to throttle him personally if Sky Finance received another one-star review,

"That's just a figure of speech," he argued, but Mr. Shakedown was already pulling out his Yakuphone 5. "Alright, alright, fine! I'll hear you out. Just know that there's no guarantee I'll lend you the money. You'll have to pass a test first."

Mr. Shakedown cracked his knuckles.

"I will triumph over any task you lay before me."

Akiyama smirked.

"We'll just have to see about that."

It was a relatively quiet night at Utahime Karaoke Bar. The ceiling fan rotated at just the right speed to not produce any sort of air current whatsoever as the bartender went about his business as usual, jovially carving ice cubes into giant balls to put in 2oz glasses of whiskey, completely unaware of the coming nightmare.

"Ah, Akiyama-han," the bartender greeted him as he walked in. "Care for a round of darts? Some nitwit with the username of 'ReDarted' still has the high score and I don't know how to get rid of it!"

"Sorry, you'll have to save your substory for another time," he apologized, shrugging modestly. "I actually have something important going on tonight. Oh, I'd appreciate it if you'd boot up the old karaoke machine, if you don't mind."

"So you don't got time for darts, but karaoke is ok?"

"Yup."

Hiroya Egashira glanced around the room, his understanding of Akiyama's loan terms growing dimmer and dimmer.

"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded, tipping his fedora indignantly. "You said we were to discuss the terms of the loan, not frolic around in music and alcohol! You'd be wise not to mess with me. While you were off getting wasted at parties, I studied the blade—"

"Patience, Shakedown-kun," Akiyama defused him. "This is actually your test. If you can get a perfect score on the karaoke machine, I'll loan you the twelve yakuzillion. That will show me your… uh, drive for perfection? Something like that, anyway."

"You underestimate me, Akiyama-san-senpai-chan," Mr. Shakedown laughed. "Becoming the ultimate life form means perfecting every part of my body, vocal chords included!"

"That's great. Anyway, you'll be singing The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku by cosmo Bousou P."

Mr. Shakedown pushed up his glasses again.

"Then I guess I don't have a second to lose!"

He took to the stage, neon lights flashing around him almost as obnoxiously as a 100 Gecs concert.

「ボクは生まれそして気づく

所詮ヒトの真似事だと知ってなおも歌い続く

とわ

永遠の命

VOCALOID

たとえそれが既存曲をなぞるオモチャならば・・

それもいいと決意

ネギをかじり

しる

空を見上げ涙をこぼす

だけどそれも無くし気づく

人格すら歌に頼り

不安定な基盤の元

トコ

帰る動画は既に廃墟

皆に忘れ去られた時

心らしきものが消えて

暴走の果てに見える

終わる世界...

VOCALOID」

Akiyama just stood there, gaping jaws and everything. Mr. Shakedown started panting, falling to his knees.

Sure enough, once the five animals inside the machine gave their verdict, he was left with a clean 1000 points.

"You were a fool for underestimating me, Akiyama-kun," he taunted. A fatally noxious order started filling the room, no doubt caused by Hiroya's lack of deodorant.

"But… how?!" Akiyama sputtered. "That should have been impossible. Are you secretly half vocaloid?"

"Don't you see, Akiyama-kun-chan-han-san? I AM cosmo Bousou P! Now, you'd better make good on our deal before I'm tempted to leave a zero-star review. It'll be even worse this time since I already passed your test."

Akiyama sighed, kicking the ground in shame.

"Alright. Fair's, fair, I guess. Goodbye twelve yakuzillion."

Reluctantly, he reached for his Yakuphone 5X and dialed.

Ring…

Ring…

"Chief, is that you? It's so nice you decided to be the one calling me for once instead," Hana-chan greeted him in a surprisingly even temper.

"Yeah, about that… I'm gonna need you to transfer the twelve yakuzillion over to our Sotenbori branch. I sorta agreed to loan all of it out."

"You WHAT?!" she screeched, the sheer intensity of her voice cracking the phone screen, even through the speakers.

"Alright, thanks, Hana-chan. I'll be needing it by tomorrow."

"Chief, you can't possibly be serious—"

Click.

"Alright, it's a done deal," he sighed. "Come by Sky Finance tomorrow to pick it all up. You, uh, maybe I don't have the right to ask this, but you are going to pay it all back, right?"

"What sort of cheat do you take me for?" Mr. Shakedown argued, scratching his neckbeard offensively. "I passed your test fair and square, I won't stop playing by the rules now!"

"Alright, alright, cool."

"It'll be no problem getting the money back to you… ONCE I RULE THE WORLD!"

"N-Nani?!"

"Don't bother sweating the details. Chao for now, Akiyama-kun-chan-senpai-san-han-sama."

And with that, he was gone, disappearing into the night.

"Kuso…" Akiyama groaned. "I'm gonna need a round of Baka Mitai after this."


Author's Notes: Hey guys, twelveyakuzilliondollaz here, and oh boy, look at what a pickle Akiyama's gotten himself into this time! I wonder what will become of the world now that the twelve yakuzillion dollars are in the hands of Hiroya Egashira. Nothing good, I bet! Tune in next time to see Majima try to explain why he decided to bring an underage girl into New Serena!