ENTRY 5
TRICK OR TREAT
"Dr. Masen?"
I look up from my desk where I'm updating patients' charts and see Nurse Weber eying me with a sad expression on her face. "Yes, Angela, what can I do for you?"
"I just wanted to let you know that Shelly Cope isn't doing well. I don't think it will be long now."
I thought I prepared myself for this, but it still hurts. Mrs. Cope had been a constant in my life growing up, first as the town librarian, and then as my piano teacher, instilling a love of music that has lasted to this day.
Her husband died 10 years ago and she has no other family, so I promised her I would be there with her at the end and I was ready to keep that promise.
"Thanks for telling me, Angela," I say with a sad smile. "I'll stop by her room shortly."
I finish the final two patient charts and head over to Shelly's room, trying to hold back the tears as I walk through the hallway. Once I make it to her room, I steel myself and open the door.
She looks so tiny sleeping in the hospital bed. Cancer has been eating her alive and there's nothing more we can do but try to keep her comfortable. I sit down in the chair next to her bed and carefully take a hold of her small delicate hand.
I start talking to her, reminiscing about her impact on my life. She could always read my emotions by the way I was playing the piano. In between lessons, she'd listen to me as I'd talk about my life, the stress of growing up and trying to understand who I was, first as a boy, then as a teenager, and finally as a man. She was always there for me growing up and I will be forever grateful.
Mrs. Cope opens her eyes and sees me crying. "Don't cry, Edward. You have become such a wonderful man, husband, father, and doctor. You've done it all right. I so proud to know you," she says, barely above a whisper. She is so weak at this point, that talking is wearing her out.
"I'm fine, Shelly. Thank you for always being there for me. I'm just really gonna' miss you," I sigh, wiping away my remaining tears.
Shelly gives me a small smile and slowly whispers, "It's Halloween, Edward. This is my favorite night of the year. It's only fitting that it be my last. I may come back on this night each year, just to say hello." She lets out a small laugh. I smile and wink at her before she closes her eyes again.
I sit with her for 20 more minutes and then she's gone. I stand up and kiss her forehead. "Goodbye, Shelly. Thank you for everything."
I walk out of her room and head back to my office before I notice the time. Tonight will be my daughter Lizzie's first night trick-or-treating and I am running late. I call Bella to let her know.
"Hey, Edward," Bella says excitedly when she picks up. "Lizzie looks so cute as the zombie princess. I can't wait for you to see her. Are you almost here?"
"I'm sorry, Bella, I'm going to be a little late. Shelly Cope died tonight," I say with a sob.
"Oh, Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know how special she was to you. I'm so sorry. How late do you think you'll be? Do you want us to wait for you before we head out?"
"No, don't wait. I should only be about 15 minutes late. Just share your location on your phone and I'll find you in the neighborhood. I'm sorry, I know this is Lizzie's first Halloween trick-or-treating, but I needed to see it through to the end with Shelly," I tell her.
"Don't apologize for caring about your patients, Edward, that's why I love you. Lizzie will be fine. She's so excited and we'll have lots of fun until you get here."
"I love you so much, Bella. I shouldn't be too long," I tell her before we hang up.
I am so lucky to have found Bella. She is the best wife and mother, she understands my job and the toll it can take. It's not a nine-to-five job and she's never begrudged me for that. It can be hard at times, but we make it work. I just hope Lizzie won't be upset when I'm late. She's only four and her little world revolves around herself at this point. But if Bella says she'll be fine, I'm sure she will be. I may be biased, but she is the sweetest kid I've ever met and it's not like I'll miss the entire night completely.
I pack up everything I need and make my way to the garage to get my car, calculating that I should be home in 30 minutes. I turn on the radio and find the station is set to Disney Hits. It makes me smile. We listened to this on our trip to the park yesterday. Disney Hits is Lizzie's favorite station and I just can't change the channel.
I've been driving for a while before I realize I'm actually singing along out loud to the songs on the radio. Of course, I know them word for word. I've been hearing these Disney songs over and over again since Lizzie was born. It seems like yesterday, but she's four years old already! While I miss baby Lizzie, I know it's important to live in the present and cherish every stage of her life. If time is moving this fast already, I don't want to miss a minute of it.
As I'm thinking about all of this, a deer jumps out from the woods directly into my path. I swerve to miss it and smack into a tree. My airbag goes off and my body feels like it's been hit by a freight train. Overall, though, while I'm a bit stunned, I feel okay.
The airbag deflates and I try to get the car started again, but it's no use. This accident is going to make me even later to meet my girls. I don't want to miss it entirely, so I decide to simply walk back to town. I'm only about a mile or so out, so it shouldn't take too long.
As I exit the car, I pat myself and realize everything seems okay. I'm not even limping. I start walking and before I know it, I'm back in my neighborhood. As I pass my house, I see the bowl of candy Bella set out for the trick-or-treaters. It makes me smile again.
Bella, always being prepared, had mapped out how we would walk through our neighborhood ahead of time, so I follow that path. There are so many families out and about in their own little bubbles as they watch out for their children ignoring me as I walk past.
Finally, I turn the corner and see Bella and Lizzie at the Newton's house across the street.
"Trick or treat," I hear Lizzie say as Jessica Newton opens the door.
"Oh, you're such a scary princess," Jessica coos as she drops candy into Lizzie's plastic pumpkin.
"Thank you, Mrs. Newton," Lizzie shouts as she turns around and joins Bella back on the sidewalk.
I call out to Bella, and I think she hears me, but she has a strange look on her face. She looks towards where I'm standing, but she doesn't see me. It's as if she's looking right through me.
I call out to Lizzie this time and I can tell by her smile she sees me. "Hi, Daddy!" She waves at me. "Your costume is scary," she laughs. I'm confused because I didn't put on a costume.
"Who are you talking to, Lizzie?" Bella asks, turning her head in every direction, with a look of confusion on her face.
"I'm talking to Daddy. You're silly, Mommy. Look, he's over there with Mrs. Cope," Lizzie says as she points to me.
"Lizzie, stop it, you're scaring me," Bella says, on the verge of tears. She's looking in my direction but I can tell she still doesn't see me.
Confused by what Lizzie just said, I look around and find Shelly Cope standing beside me. I jump with a start. This can't be. Maybe I'm a little delirious from the accident.
"How are you here, Shelly? It's not possible. I don't understand." I start feeling afraid.
Shelly looks at me with compassion and sorrow. "I'm so sorry, Edward. This isn't fair. It shouldn't be your time. I know this doesn't change anything but you were so kind to stay with me in my last moments and I want to be with you for yours."
This doesn't make sense. I'm fine, I should be fine. Yes, I was in a car accident, but I'm fine. I tell Shelly this. Nothing is wrong with me.
She just shakes her head slowly back and forth looking at me with pity now. "You had a head injury, Edward. Your brain was too damaged. They couldn't get to you in time. I'm so, so sorry."
"But Lizzie can see me. How can Lizzie see me? No, I'm fine, I know I am." What she's saying can't be real.
"Children are still innocent, Edward. They are still open to the wonders of lifeā¦and death. That's why Lizzie can see you but Bella can't."
I look over and Bella is talking to someone on the phone, I don't know who, tears streaming down her face. This isn't right.
Lizzie runs across the street and stops in front of me, looking scared.
"Why can't mommy see you, Daddy? Why is she crying?" she asks with a sob. "Why doesn't she like your scary costume? You look like a zombie like me with that blood all over your face and your clothes," she says, her cries turning into a little giggle.
I can't keep the tears from my own eyes as I crouch down to her level. I try to hug her, but I can't get a hold of her. My heart breaks, knowing I can't escape the truth any longer.
"I'm so sorry, Lizzie. I love you always. Never forget that. You are my world, my best little girl. Please always, always know that."
Lizzie smiles, "I know you love me, Daddy. I love you, too."
I take a deep breath and smile back at Lizzie. How do you tell a four-year-old you can't be there for her? That fate has other plans.
"I have to go, Lizzie. I can't stay here. I wish I could. I wish I could stay with you more than anything in the world, but I can't. It's my time. Will you do me a favor, Lizzie?"
She starts crying again and nods her head.
"I want you to tell Mommy that I love her. That my life started when I met her. Mommy and you are the best things that ever happened to me. Can you do that?" I know this is too much for a child of four to understand, but I ask her anyway.
"OK, Daddy," she tells me through her sniffles.
"Be good for Mommy, Sweetie. I love you always," I say one last time.
I stand and look at Bella one last time. She's still crying as she watches Lizzie run back across the street straight into her arms. Bella and Lizzie are everything I've ever wanted in my life. How can I leave them?
I turn to Shelly once again.
"I don't want to go," I beg.
Shelly nods and takes my hand. "I know, Edward, but it's time."
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