A/N: *SLAMS OPEN DOOR* BOOM, BABY! A SEQUEL TO THOUSAND ARC REACTOR INTERTEMPORAL STARSHIP!

6448 words; should I be apologizing? Yes. Will I be apologizing? No; using material I couldn't fit into the prior one of these (and I couldn't even fit the rest of that in, so there's likely going to be another one of these at some point); this thing doesn't want to fcking end, so I'm ending it so I can post it and get it off my to-do list wtf; reminder that this is weird af so just be warned okay


Drashig Steaks and Shortstack Pancakes

Cooking wasn't just Sanji's job or his life, oh no. It was always so much more poetic than that. It was a passion, a calling, something that he was made for—it was, essentially, his place in the universe. There were so many things about it that made the craft a rewarding one, tickling his senses nearly every time.

The sigh of satisfaction when a dish delighted.

That little gasp of relief when someone hungry ate their fill…

…or when someone truly hungry realized they were not imagining things.

A peal of laughter from good friends relaxed over good food.

"Sanji! I want more meat!"

…and yet, sometimes, the spell was broken.

Milling about in the kitchens of the Thousand Sunny, Sanji had found that it was one of the most well-stocked and well-prepped kitchens he had ever worked in. It had to be, considering that the ship's captain was a living black hole, whose stomach must have been connected to a fucking pocket dimension. He wasn't entirely sure of the mechanics of it all, but it allowed him to pull open the fridge, start going on whichever meal, and keep going until he didn't have to for that particular round.

"Keep your shirt on, Luff," he scowled. "I'm starting to think that aliens abduct cows just to feed you."

"Now why would they do that? The farts alone are enough to kill." Usopp cringed when Sanji glared at him, knowing that he was on thin ice. "I mean… wouldn't there be something a bit more economical to feed Luffy with? Like the innards of a quasar?"

"Jury's out," Nami quipped, sipping at her coffee. Sanji came over with another tray full of… steaks and set them down on the table, which Luffy immediately started attacking. Why did they sear purple? He wasn't sure he wanted to know. "Hey, aren't we down a few people?"

"Oh, don't worry about them, Nami dear," Sanji offered. "Franky enlisted Jinbe and Mosshead's help to do something with the thruster system—they'll be eating when they're done, which shouldn't be too much longer."

"They better hurry up," Luffy said, mouth full. "These steaks are great!"

"Swallow your food before you talk!" Chopper scolded. The Physician pouted sourly. "Talking with your mouth full is not only rude, but with the way you eat, it increases your chance of choking exponentially!"

"Expo… what now?"

"It means 'by a lot'," Brook translated.

"Oh…" Luffy shrugged and continued eating, being a veritable vacuum, until the overhead lights hummed as they powered down, leaving only the red auxiliary lights. "Whoa! What happened?!"

"I get the feeling we're going to be finding out very soon," Robin smirked, flipping a page in her book. Sanji, Nami, and Usopp all stared at her as she counted down on her fingers, not even pausing her reading.

Three, two, one, aaaand, point towards the door.

"This is super-not-good," Franky wailed as he entered the kitchen. Jinbe and Zoro were both trailing close behind, the three covered in grime and sweat from the heavy lifting of machinery they had been doing. "The thruster's shot and I'm going to need to construct a new one by hand."

"What does the thruster have to do with the lights?" Nami deadpanned.

"It doesn't," Zoro replied, cutting Franky off. Sanji was honestly too busy having his brain short out due to the samurai's glistening abs and pecs to stop him from going directly into the fridge and pulling out a protein shake, which he downed half of before continuing. "Pervert here just severed the cable while we were breaking the ship."

"Why are you so mean to me this week, Zoro-bro?"

"I'm just stating facts." The lump of moss shrugged noncommittally before chugging the rest of his shake. "I don't even know what all this shit is and I know it's broke."

"It seems as though we might be stuck for a little while, at the least," Jinbe conceded. "There might be enough left in the auxiliary for me to get us to Nami and Sanji's Logueton… otherwise… we might be stranded in the space-time vortex."

"Ugh—it's hard enough getting around in this thing," Nami groaned, "so the last scenario I want is to be stranded in it. We're headed to Logueton."

"Nami, darling, isn't that for the captain to decide?" Sanji asked warily.

"Your dad said he was looking for a bit of extra help, and it'll be good to let some of these goons run around and touch grass," she shrugged. She glanced over at Luffy, his cheeks full of questionably-sourced steaks, and gave him her most winning smile. "What do you say, Captain? Drift in the vortex with the auxiliary power as an emergency supply without knowing what the consequences will be, or hang out in Logueton?"

The stars in the Time Lord's eyes made Sanji want to weep openly.


"You have to be fucking kidding me."

Zeff looked at his "extra help" lined up in the empty dining room and resisted the urge to take his son out back and strangle him; finish the job he should have done a good, what, decade or so ago at this point. Taking on a couple teenagers from the local high school for a few weeks would have been fine… but this…

"You need a bit of extra help, which you said as much the other day, while trying to straighten this place up for your visit from the magazine editors next month," Sanji said plainly. It wasn't as even though he had brought only idiots before his foster dad for inspection. There was Luffy, yeah, and Chopper and Usopp and Brook, but Robin had also volunteered, insisting it would be "fun".

"I know what I said, but did you really expect me to say yes to this group of hellions?!"

"Uh… pardon me…? Mister Zeff…?"

"Give me three good reasons, Long Nose, why I don't go and murder you all where you stand in my restaurant's self-defense because no court would convict me."

"Well, I was just gonna say that… we can still hear you." Usopp squirmed uncomfortably under the pressure of the older man's glare. "Also, if you really want, we can just make sure one of us is on Luffy Duty while the rest of us actually do work. It's kind of what we do normally."

"…and where are the rest of you little shitheads?"

"Nami said she had other work to do, and Franky has Jinbe and Zoro helping him with the Sunny!" Chopper offered. "I might have to go with them if they need a bit more muscle."

"…and why might that be?" Zeff scowled. Chopper transformed into Heavy Point, becoming much taller, bulkier, and human-like. "Ah, that's right. You can do that. Because why the fuck not."

"Compliments will get you nowhere with me, asshole," Chopper blushed. Zeff side-eyed Sanji, ready to skip the "taking out back" part of the inevitable infanticide. Was it still infanticide if the infant in question was a dumbass in his early twenties that was making him lose his hair and his temper?

Well, at least it wasn't the directionless history lesson capable of making his disaster-bi of a son burn water simply by walking past him.

"They fuck anything up and it's coming out of your inheritance," he threatened.

"You wouldn't dare, shitty geezer."

Oh, he definitely dared.


As it turned out, it seemed as though the help the rest of the Straw Hats offered the Baratie proprietors was falling in line with expectations.

Usopp, Chopper, and Brook were… okay. They weren't stellar, but they didn't break everything they fucking touched. That was Luffy's expertise. Robin was amazing, however, as the Historian's powers allowed her to sprout parts of her body everywhere and anywhere. They really helped her when it came to reading multiple books and papers at once, but also meant that she could wash dishes, dry and stack them, wash veggies, and do a bunch of other minutia all while sitting calmly in the corner with tea and a book. That only really left…

"Will you get that out of your mouth?"

Feeling more like he was watching over a toddler than a multidimensional cosmic entity, Sanji shoved his hands in his pocket and watched as Luffy divested the (compostable, at least) plastic bowl from his mouth and reached his arm over towards the trash bin, letting it drop with a soft paft. They were in a spacious park in the suburbs, where the entire crew was enjoying the morning off—a benefit of the Baratie only being a dinner place. Even those who were supposed to be working on the ship were there, because they weren't going to get anywhere by letting one part of the crew have fun while the rest of them toiled away… and besides, they could help wear Luffy out so he could cause as little damage as possible later.

"I know you're not Human, but usually omnivores stick to eating… you know… edible things." He let the smoke from his cigarette leech from his mouth and nostrils, wondering how he hadn't gone through the entire pack already. "What are you anyhow?"

Luffy shrugged and Sanji repressed the urge to scream. "Never really thought about it that much, you know?"

"No; can't say I share the sentiment."

Luffy shrugged at that and jettisoned himself over to where Usopp, Chopper, Franky, and Brook were all playing with a soccer-football. Nami was relaxing nearby, with Robin sitting next to her watching the antics. Jinbe was going through some Silur-kwon-do kata with… sweet fuck

How in the hell was he supposed to concentrate on Luffy Wrangling when Zoro was shirtless and sweaty out in the open? It was a distraction bordering on unacceptable levels of cruelty.

So distracting, even, that the now-errant soccer-football connected with his face, knocking his cigarette to the ground and giving him a mild case of whiplash.

"Sanjiiiiii, over here!" Luffy whined, windmilling his arms around to get the blond's attention. Sanji kicked the ball back over to his friends and looked at the pavement, mourning the loss of the remainder of his cigarette. He only looked up again when he heard a familiar chuckle.

"Wasn't that long ago you would have been able to kick that out of mid-air, without even looking," Nami noted. Sanji cursed his rotten luck—she saw.

"I'm trying to think of how we're going to corral the captain while everyone's working tonight," he lied.

"Don't insult me—I've known you long enough to know how to catch one of your fibs."

"You wound me, my darling," he whined. He tried not to steal glances over towards Zoro, hoping that possibly, eventually, maybe, the fact he was right next to the stout Sea Devil would help detract from the scene, considering Jinbe was not his thing by far… fuck, yeah, it didn't help at all. Sweaty marimo make brain go brrrrrrrrr…

"Hello—Earth to Sanji," Nami chuckled, snapping her fingers in front of his face. He was catapulted back to their conversation. "You're hopeless."

"I have eyes," he grumbled. Sanji allowed Nami to turn his body so his back was fully facing Zoro, making it so that they were instead looking at the ball-based antics. "Don't punish me because I have eyes."

"Playing is not a punishment, now get out there," she laughed, pushing him firmly in the middle of his back. He stumbled slightly as he joined his crewmates out on the grass, eventually taking possession of the ball and turning it into a game of keep-away. Before long, the others were just standing there staring at him and his disturbingly good footwork.

"You never told us you could legit play," Usopp noted carefully.

"Zeff had me playing football all through school," Sanji shrugged, dribbling the ball casually. "Did that, did swim team in the off-season, spurts of capoeira and savate to expend the rest of my energy and hormone-driven aggression, you know… nothing special."

"He was scouted," Nami announced from the sidelines. "Idiot still doesn't think his cooking career could be accomplished after retirement, but noooo… he could be playing for East Blue City F.C. right now. Could be ranked internationally in whichever sport he wants. The sheer amount of tournaments I sat through for the sake of friendship!"

"I'm not that good," he scowled. From the vantage point he had, he could see Zoro still going through the katas with Jinbe… but also… "Oi, Luff, what the fuck is that…?"

There, raging as it emerged from the sandy ground, was a giant serpent-like creature that let out a deafening roar.

"It looks tasty!" Luffy marveled. "Sanji?! Do you think you can cook it for lunch for me?!"

"I told you I can cook anything, Luff, but do you really want that…?" Luffy looked back and forth between the creature, then the cook, then the creature, and so on and so forth. "Fine… don't come crying to me if it's too tough for you to just swallow whole."

With that, Sanji took the ball he had just been dribbling around his friends and sent it flying, crashing into the serpentine creature and snapping its neck. Zoro looked at the downed carcass, to Sanji, impressed.

"You know," he called out, sheathing the single sword he was able to draw before the creature was dispatched, "I can't even be mad. That was kind of hot."

"Oh, I did not need to hear that," Usopp whined.

"Just because you're pining for a girl on another world doesn't mean the rest of us have to be celibate," Sanji notes. Usopp sighs in defeat—by all technicalities, the other man was right.

"…and it doesn't mean that I needed to hear that either," Nami said. She held out her hand towards Zoro, palm up. "A hundred beri."

"Witch! For what?!" Zoro barked.

"Alright then: two hundred."

The man never did know when to quit when he was ahead.


Drashig meat, as it turned out, is a wonderfully-marbled, exquisitely textured, delicately flavorful meal that brought the idea to Sanji's brain to try and grab some at the next galactic market they stop in, but for the time being they were going to have to deal with a picnic barbecue on the shore of a pond that sat within the border of the park. Luckily, they had other food with them for their lunch, which made the addition of the drashig meat seem rather natural.

So when UNIT showed up, it only made sense that certain individuals got defensive.

"Did you just seriously eat all that…?" Tashigi asked, staring at the pile of bones that was most of the drashig. "Those things are supposed to be able to feed an entire colony port for a week."

"…or our captain for a light lunch," Brook quipped. He, of all the crew, was the least concerned that there were a bunch of paramilitary troops now wandering around, pointing guns and trampling the grass. It was probably the lack of flesh for those guns to aim at. "I'm sure our cook still has a few more slabs to grill up, if you think you are interested in joining us."

"No thank you," Smoker grunted. He scowled in irritation at Luffy, who kept on eating without a care in the world. "I want to know who let this thing loose."

"I dunno, but whoever it is missed out," Luffy stated. The glanced over at the two UNIT officers and grinned, patting the bit of picnic table next to him. "Come on! Sanji's cooking is the best!"

"If we wanted to eat, we would have shown up at the restaurant tonight," Smoker deadpanned. "I need to know if you saw who in the hell released a non-native Big Savage creature onto a vulnerable extraterrestrial ecosystem forty minutes ago."

"That long? You're losing your touch, Smoke-bro," Franky smirked from behind his pop can. "Used to be we just set foot off the Sunny and you were up our asses."

"I can dig up some old arrest warrants, if you'd like," Smoker threatened. Franky rolled his eyes and chuckled, which caused Smoker to pinch the bridge of his nose in irritation. "How are we the same age and yet you're so…"

"Super…?"

"He was going to say the exact opposite of that," Sanji cut in. He placed the freshly-grilled drashig cuts on the table, with Luffy not missing a beat. "Now if you pardon us, officers, we have a meal to eat and clean up after if we want to get back to the city proper in time for our work shifts… unless you want to keep harassing us outside of your technical jurisdiction."

"The whole damn planet is our jurisdiction, not just Logueton," Smoker growled. "Are you trying to tell me to bug off?"

"No: he's telling you to fuck off," Zoro translated helpfully, mouth still full of food. Sanji kicked him in the shoulder. "What?! It's true. There's a difference."

"I got one! Assault on a Galactic Noble!" Tashigi squeaked, bringing up the holographic function on her mobile. It contained a headshot of Zoro with a murderous look on his face, back when he had two working eyes.

"Shit," Zoro hissed, drawing his swords. He was just barely armed when Smoker came at him, attacking him with his jitte. Most of the officer's body was now made of smoke, hovering over the picnic table in order to get a better reach of his prey.

"I don't care if it is a fucking childish pretense—it's enough for me," he grinned around his pair of cigars. "All of you are coming with me."

"Fucking make us, lap dog," Zoro growled. He forcibly pushed Smoker away, causing him to crash into some of his soldiers. Luffy cracked his knuckles, Sanji crouched into a fighting stance, and Usopp cupped his hands to his mouth, shouting:

"THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGGG!"


In the end, they didn't exactly make it on-time for the shift, but at least they made it before the rush.

"Fucking hell—you lot look like you went through a warzone to get here," Zeff said, furrowing his brow. He stared as his son stood pitifully at the back entrance to the kitchen, Eggplant and Friends all looking equally ragged. Except Robin. She seemed fine… stable, at the very worst. "Where's the Intergalactic Stomach?"

"He's grounded," Sanji said, sounding as fucking beat as he looked.

"He might have beaten up a couple of UNIT officers and their subordinates, and gotten the rest of us dragged into it," Usopp cringed. He immediately got some ice out of the freezer, wrapped it in a towel, and applied it directly to his swollen eye. "That was horrible."

"Moss-brains started it," Sanji justified. "Luffy made it worse, and now he's under lock and key, playing board games with Nami at the flat."

"Are you sure that will contain him?" Patty snarked. Sanji flipped a middle finger at him, the act automatic more than anything.

"The Sunny's parked at the flat, so if all else fails, one of the ones working on it can help," Chopper said. He and Usopp went straight to hair-netting themselves so they could peel vegetables, while Robin sprouted enough arms to wash dishes, and Sanji stuck his head under the tap at the hand-washing station, running cold water over his head.

"Wow… it hasn't been this bad since Eggplant thought he could pick a fight with some neighborhood hoodlums twice his size," Zeff observed gravely. He took a the towel hanging off the side of his apron and placed it over Sanji's head once he turned off the water. "How old were you then?"

"Ten—I was only here for a few months, the assholes." He accepted the towel and attempted to dry his hair, leaving it slightly damp so he could comb it back with his fingers, putting it in place before properly washing his hands. "You called up your old savate buddies within the week."

"Your game's off—next time those UNIT bastards decide to pick a fight, don't come crawling back here unless you've thoroughly kicked their asses and not the other way around," Zeff chided gently. He tossed Sanji an apron and picked back up barking orders to his subordinates—there was a dinner rush to get through.


It was a rough shift, that was for certain. UNIT did not show up ready to haul them all into the base for questioning—that at least had somewhat of an informal truce going—but it did seem as though the entire ward knew that certain members of the kitchen staff were beat to hell and that it would be a bad night to be busy. Instead, they went through no less than fourteen birthdays, five wedding anniversaries, and a slew of other occasions, with the night being one of the busiest they'd had in a while. For some reason. No one was certain as to why. Fucking full moon energy for it being only a partial. All they knew was that when they finally dragged ass back to the flat, the look on Franky's face as he stood there shiftily with his can of pop was not welcome.

"Whatever it is, it can fucking wait until tomorrow," Sanji threatened. He didn't even care that Zoro was still filthy, nor that he didn't even have enough energy to tug off before falling asleep if that's what it took, yet he still wrapped both hands around one of the green-haired man's biceps and weakly pulled towards his bedroom. "Cuddles now, marimo."

"I have to call my brother," Franky said, not caring about the prohibition. Sanji sank against Zoro's side, not wanting to move of his own volition anymore.

"It will be nice to see him again," Robin said pleasantly. She calmly strode up to Franky and pecked him on the cheek, the only one not completely spent after the chaotic night they'd had. The rest of the crew were dropping like flies, some making it to the couches, others settling for the cozy area rug. Luffy was still wide awake, however, demonstrating how eerily inhuman he was at times.

"I wonder how Ice-guy's doing," he mused.

"Iceburg means… you're calling Galley-Fucking-La…?" Sanji realized, brain still functioning enough to connect the fucking dots.

"Called," Jinbe corrected, sipping some tea. "He already called his brother."

"Mmm… I'm going to kill you," Sanji whined. He made a move to go kick the cyborg's head in, but was easily caught by Zoro and thrown over the man's shoulder.

"Not now, soba-brain," he said, carrying him out of the main living space. Sanji strained half-heartedly against his captor, the thought floating in his consciousness as long as it was active.

Galley-La, of all things, in the flat above a coworker who has no qualms over reporting him to his dad.

Fuck.


Waking back up the following morning was much better than falling asleep the night prior, Sanji decided. Granted, he didn't even really remember coming home the night prior, his memory becoming sort of a mental brown-out after stepping over the building threshold, but waking up… that he could deal with. He was currently snugged up to the moss-brain (which was honestly, one of his more practical uses), one meaty arm around him while he used the man's broad chest as a pillow. It was… at some point in the morning, with the warm sun coming through the window and making him content as a cat. Fuck—sword-freak had such nice tits…

"Hey, mister! When's breakfast?!"

Sanji bolted awake, eyes snapping wide open as he lifted himself up onto his hands. There, standing next to his bed, was Franky and Iceburg's niece, Chimney. The child was staring at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"Why the fuck are you here?"

"Un~cle Fra~n~ky call~ed," she replied in a sing-song voice. "When's breakfast?"

"After… I shower…" Sanji replied warily. The girl gave this a moment of thought, then nodded.

"I'll let them know," she said before skipping off.

Fuck, who else was there?

"Marimo! Get up!" Sanji hissed, shoving Zoro's shoulder. The wall of meat kept sleeping, so he shoved him out of bed.

"Ow! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Zoro snapped, glaring over the top of the bed.

"Why didn't you tell me Franky's relatives were coming over?!"

"We did!"

"When?!"

"Last night!"

"Oh, when I was having a serious caffeine-adrenaline-nicotine combo crash?! Great time." Sanji got out of bed and threw Zoro's t-shirt from the day before at him. "Be decent—Chimney was just in here."

"At least we're still wearing pants," the green-haired man grumbled.

"I swear, if Carne mentions one thing to Zeff, I don't care—all of your asses are going in the vortex whether you like it or not… except Nami and Robin."

"Do we have to take the kid or can she at least stay?"

"Now you're just getting me on fucking technicalities."

Zoro flipped Sanji the middle finger as the latter went into the bathroom and quickly showered off the funk that came with his prior work shift and sleeping curled up with grimy beefcake. Fifteen minutes later he was clean and dressed and stepping out into…

…Zoro and Usopp quietly drinking coffee at the kitchen island…?

"Please tell me they're all in the Sunny," the blond pleaded.

"Mostly," Usopp claimed, shrugging slightly. Sanji tried not to drop the frying pan in his hand.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Kid went out on the balcony; wanted to see what Logueton looks like from here," Zoro muttered into his mug. It was the one with a Western-style dragon and flames that appeared when the mug was warm—a gag birthday gift from the Baratie staff that the cook was more than happy to repurpose. "At least it's not the fucking hag as well."

"Then… who's watching her?"

Usopp and Zoro both looked at one another and cussed simultaneously. Two seconds later and there was a knock at the door, making all three men stop, eyes trained on the metal surface separating the flat from the corridor. Sanji cautiously went over to the door and opened it, his stomach dropping.

There was Carne, with the scruff of Luffy's shirt in one hand and Chimney's in the other.

"You lost these," the older man frowned, tossing the pair across the threshold. "Why are you like this?"

"Blame the old man—he wanted me to travel with them."

"I don't think that meant losing the space cadets and that damn ship landing at all manner of day and night… nor getting loudly railed by Mister Tall, Green, and Stabby over there every chance you get."

"You're just jealous," Zoro countered, gesturing with his mug. Usopp choked on his coffee. Luffy completely ignored the conversation and disappeared inside the Sunny, not interested in the coffee that was available.

"Why would I be jealous of the boss's eggplant when I got all I need in my nice, quiet flat that doesn't involve weirdos!?"

"…because you're thinking about the shit-geezer's eggplant; now hush." Sanji closed the door on Carne before he had a chance to sputter out a response. Zoro and Usopp both high-fived one another, while Chimney looked at the men, confused.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"Never you mind," Sanji scolded, skin flushing a deep pink. "Now, pancakes?"

"Yes!"

It wasn't long before there was a short stack of pancakes in front of the three time-and-space-displaced people sitting at the island. He just finished plating another stack when Chimney's pet rabbit-cat-thing Gonbe came loping out of the Sunny, complete with a grimy peanut gallery right behind it.

"Yow! That smells super!" Franky grinned. He sat down next to Chimney, ruffling her hair. "Sanji-bro makes the best food, doesn't he?"

"Yefh!" the girl replied, mouth full of pancake.

"Oi, losers, let the guests sit there," Sanji scolded, kicking Zoro and Usopp from their spots. They retreated into the sitting area, allowing space for the two remaining shipwrights to eat. If anything, at least they were saving the couch from the indignity of Franky's tiny swim bottoms should he volunteer his seat instead.

"Nma, Chimney, don't talk with your mouth full," Iceburg gently reminded her. He sounded terribly bored, as though it was something he said with way too much regularity.

"Uncle Iceburg…" she whined, "you and Uncle Paulie do it all the time."

"Gotta prove you know the rules before you can break 'em, brat," Paulie muttered though his food, which got him a prompt and sharp elbow in the side. Coffee appeared in front of him and he graciously took it—fucking nectar of life.

"I don't see your ship," Sanji mentioned as he poured more batter. "Don't you also wander around in one of those things?" He gestured towards the Sunny with his spatula, which garnered a shrug from Iceburg.

"It's parked out front."

"Do I want to know?"

"It looks like a truck!" Chimney said brightly, volunteering the information. Her adults all stared at her as Sanji peeked out the window—yup, there it was: a rusted-out, beat-the-fuck-up Fish-Man Motors pickup truck with clearly-replaced doors and "Galley-La Construction, Mechanics, and Maintenance" written on the side. He didn't even want to know what they had to do to access the main of the ship.

"So, Sanji," Paulie said, punctuated by sipping his coffee, "how long you got where we can just crash here?"

"However long it takes for you to get the ship back in the vortex and Luffy away from my neighbors," the cook replied. "There are plenty of people whose patience is already wearing thin."

"Yours included?"

"I just want two shifts in a row at work where I'm not worried about him breaking anything, or that he's out causing trouble that will follow him back." The three shipwrights all nodded at that—they all knew of Luffy's particular brand of antics. Even Chimney nodded in commiseration. "I'm gonna get that restaurant one day, and I want to prove to my old man before then that I'm capable of the task."

"Sanji, dude, you make some of the best fucking mizu-mizu meat in this quadrant, any prep method," Paulie scoffed. "I think you can handle it."

"Should almost get you on tape saying that," Sanji said. He plated some additional pancakes, then pulled a slab of bacon out of the fridge. "It'd be nice to have it to listen to, you know? Someone other than myself saying it?"

"Are we having bacon with pancakes?!" Usopp asked happily from across the room. Sanji glared at him.

"No, because the boneless wonder is going to realize it's breakfast time in five, four, three, two, one…"

…and that was when they heard it.

Drifting out of the inner depths of the Sunny.

The wanton moans that preceded disaster…

"Sanji! I'm hungry! I want meat!"


Sanji had never seen Zeff cry, but he was beginning to wonder if that was going to change.

"Three weeks?!" he sputtered. "I can't have those disasters wandering around here for that long! They're going to become nothing but a menace!"

"That's how long it's going to take for the Sunny to get back to operational, then we can kick the morons in there and send them off for a while," Sanji reasoned. "Between Franky, Iceburg, and Paulie, that's the best they were able to give me."

"If I had known things were going to be like this, I would have kicked that rubber boy out and then found a way to get him banned him from this planet." Zeff rubbed his face with both his hands, glad for the fact they were in his office, where none of the other staff members could see him considering a mental fucking breakdown. "Not a day longer, you hear?"

"I want this just as much as you do, Pops."

"Now go make sure none of them are scaring off the customers," the older man grumbled. "I need to… just… not think about shit for a bit."

Sanji closed the office door behind him and went to peek inside the dining room of the Baratie. Things were going fairly smooth so far: Usopp was relegated to waitstaff that evening, and Brook was maître d', despite all logic stating that was the last thing he should be doing. Neither of them seemed to be causing much trouble, nor was Chopper as he wheeled out the dessert cart. There was someone very crucial missing from his line of vision, but he was also not seeing evidence of Robin, which gave him at least some hope. He crept back to the kitchen, relieved to find Luffy sitting next to the many-armed goddess, concentrating on a fidget toy.

After exchanging a look with the Historian that he hoped screamed "thank fucking God", Sanji went back to taking care of orders. He was on fish that night, which meant a lot of butchering and filleting by-hand. The fish station at the Baratie was a bit more intensive than it really needed to be, but that was part of the model, after all. Both the other chefs at the station—decent enough in their own rights, but not near his caliber yet—were glad that it was him helping and not one of the older and more cantankerous chefs. The three worked together near-seamlessly, until Usopp came rushing up to Sanji in a panic.

"They're here!" he scream-whispered. Sanji put down his knife and glared at his crewmate.

"If you haven't noticed: I'm up to my elbows in fish guts. Who is here?"

"UNIT!"

Fuck.

"They're asking for the chef's special… and you're the chef."

Fuck.

"Don't piss your pants—I'm coming," Sanji growled. He quickly washed and dried his hands and followed Usopp out into the dining room, where he was led directly to a circular booth where Smoker and Tashigi were sitting—too close together to be siblings, but too far apart to be hooking up. "Your waiter informs me you wish to speak to the chef about tonight's specials? I am the sous, as our head chef is in the middle of paperwork for the evening."

"Give me one good reason," Smoker growled, "why I shouldn't clap all of you in cuffs and bring you down to HQ."

"…because at the end of next month, my father will be hosting Logueton Luncheon, and no one would be able to repair the property damage that would be involved with your plan in time for their arrival."

"What do you recommend that will be light enough to accommodate a slice of that opera cake I saw on the trolley?" Tashigi asked nonchalantly. She seemed to be pointedly ignoring her superior officer, who was absolutely fuming at the entire situation, until she kicked him under the table. "You lost the bet, you promised you'd take me to a nice place because of it, and I'd rather not arrest both the waiter and the sous chef while off-hours on flimsy pretenses."

"Aren't you bold, Tash," Smoker grumbled. Sanji and Usopp both attempted to keep a snicker in as the normally-gentler one of the pair took a sip of her water with what could almost be described as a devilish look on her face. She glanced over at the pair and a chill ran down their spines.

"I'm bold because I bet Mister Love-Doesn't-Work-on-the-Battlefield here that Hibari was going to ask Helmeppo and-slash-or Coby out. He said she was a lesbian and it doesn't work that way."

"Oooh, sucker bet," Usopp cringed.

"One won on a technicality, at that," Sanji noted. "So that is why mademoiselle is treating us to her visage in fine evening wear instead of her usual uniform? Good to know that she is with someone who knows how to behave around a lady." He flashed Smoker a shit-eating grin, causing the other man to grit his teeth. "If he doesn't work, mademoiselle, I've got a fellow sword-fanatic I can loan you for the remainder of the evening."

"You're pimping out Zoro now…?" Usopp cringed. A second later and his toes were crushed.

Now, granted, Usopp did scream—the toes on his left foot were shattered, after all—but no one heard him. Instead, the noise he made (which was admittedly rather impressive) was drowned out by the sound of the Sunny landing in the middle of the dining room. Again. A filthy Zoro wordlessly walked out, approached the table where the UNIT officers were at…

and pulled Tashigi from the booth.

"Oi, mujina, let's go," he grunted.

"How are you from Japan and not get the term right?!" Tashigi marveled incredulously. She allowed herself to be pulled through the restaurant by the wrist—fighting it just wasn't part of her that evening. Luffy had already scrambled out of the kitchen and was halfway through the door, while Chopper was dragging Usopp along and Robin chuckling as she readied the mindwiping device to use on the customers.

"Blackleg, you have three seconds to convince me you have nothing to do with your ancient warrior fetish dragging off my not-date into that fucking interdimensional snogbox of yours."

"Considering this thing wasn't supposed to be ready for weeks? Something tells me I'm in need of more answers than you." Sanji reluctantly dragged ass heading over to the ship, bested in speed by Brook (who kindly reminded them he possessed no ass to speak of and therefore did not drag), the chef and the UNIT officer looking inside the Sunny to see absolute fucking chaos reigning supreme.

Every single Straw Hat crewmember was there, plus some. Tashigi was currently in a row with Zoro about which sword she needed to borrow despite her nice dress. Iceburg was laying half-under the console in an effort to continue repairing it, while Paulie physically tossed Gonbe across the room to get it out of the way and into Chimney's arms. Nami was shouting, Jinbe was shouting back, Franky was singing, Luffy was whooping, Chopper was attempting to take care of Usopp's broken foot as both idiots panicked out of control, and, somehow… somehow… a pink Eastern dragon was sobbing in the arms of a samurai that was legitimately taller than Brook, of all people.

Without looking, Sanji reached into his pocket and brought out his lighter, holding it towards Smoker. Whatever the fuck this was, their nicotine-addicted asses were going to need something to keep them upright.

The man took the lighter and immediately flicked it open.

Yeah; this was not going to be good.