I was playing EBF5 and thinking about how Lance has strong "trans guy whose 'coping mechanism' is misogyny" vibes and the next thing I knew this had emerged from my brain fully formed. I made myself laugh, at least.


As soon as she'd let them in, Anna was racing for the second floor, presumably to speak to these so-called "parents" of hers. Matt was already inspecting the room for things to requisition, which meant it was the perfect time for Lance to try to pull Natalie aside. Not literally - you kidnap a woman one time and suddenly she's all defensive whenever you touch her - but hopefully if he lowered his voice she'd get the idea that this wasn't a four person conversation. "Just to be clear, you've noticed the way Anna looks at you when you use that 7th Heaven thing of yours, right?"

Natalie shot him an unimpressed look. "Trust me, I know. None of you are subtle. She's nowhere near as creepy about it as you are, though, so don't even try to compare yourselves."

"Listen, if you have to pose like that to buff us all anyway, it would be a waste for me not to look." Lance shook his head. "That's not the point, anyway. It's just… you're okay with it?"

Natalie's eyes widened. She crossed her arms and drew on just enough mana to make the air crackle menacingly around her. "You mean, because she's a girl?"

Hm. It was possible that Lance had made a tactical error here. Not likely, because he was brilliant, but he'd already failed with this team twice, so it wouldn't do to underestimate them. "I mean, you're also a girl, and all."

"I don't think it's surprising," Matt said, suddenly at Lance's side. "I mean, Natz is super hot."

Natalie's face went as red as her dress. "Huh?"

Lance, meanwhile, was in the process of trying to play off his full-body flinch. "Jesus, how do you do that with such a big sword?"

Matt ignored them both. "I mean, Lance is pretty hot too, come to think of it. Other than the eye bags. And the annoying grin. And the…" he waved in Lance's general direction.

"Huh?" Natalie looked ready to pass out on the spot.

Lance couldn't blame her, frankly. He was sure his own face was pretty pink. He raced through a thousand possible responses before he found one that was neither too revealing nor too abrupt. "Excuse you, I had this outfit carefully tailored to suit me. You can't lead an army if everyone is laughing at you."

…in retrospect, that might also have been too revealing, if only because it could lead to questions about why he put that much thought into his appearance. At least it was better than commenting on Matt's.

"Yeah, I'm sure it was a hit among your teenage dudebro followers." Natalie managed to insult Lance without any trouble, at least, so it was good to know her brain hadn't fried completely. "But seriously, Matt. What the fuck."

Matt shrugged. "I'm just saying that this whole party is weirdly attractive. What's up with that?"

Natalie opened her mouth, then closed it. She took a deep breath and turned to face Lance more directly. "Well, there you have it. Turns out all three of us are bisexual, so if you're going to be weird about it, just know that we can and will rip you into tiny pieces."

Lance raised an eyebrow. "I don't appreciate the assumptions you're making here."

"You routinely describe yourself as a fascist, forgive me for being cautious."

"I mean, yeah, because I intend to take over the world," Lance said. "I couldn't give less of a shit about what people do on their own time."

Natalie raised an eyebrow right back at him. "Do you actually know what a fascist is, or do you just want to be cool and edgy?"

"Also, you are the one who brought it up in the first place," Matt pointed out. "So it sounds like you do care after all."

Fuck. Team bonding was bullshit and Lance really should have known better. Now he was just giving them ammunition. "I was just making conversation," he muttered, looking at the floor. "It doesn't matter."

Natalie blinked. "Wait. Are you-"

"Hey, you're still down there?" Anna called from the top of the ladder. "Come on, I want to show my parents that you aren't crazy murderers." She stuck her head down to look at them. "What are you talking about, anyway?"

Lance looked around the room in a manner that could in no way be described as frantic. "How much your house sucks," he declared. "How do you even get electricity in here?"

Anna wrinkled her nose. "I can and will shove you out of a tree, you know."

As they continued to bicker, Matt turned to Natalie. "Okay, but seriously, what was that all about?"

For her part, Natalie was attempting to speedrun the stages of grief over having to feel sympathy for Lance. Whatever stupid hang ups he had were probably self-inflicted anyway. Even so…

"It's nothing," she ground out. "Come on, the sooner we get going the sooner I can fireball some bushes."

Matt looked at her curiously, but she didn't seem inclined to explain further, so he let it go. He was always up for some more senseless violence.