Tittle:The Comfort of a Candle
Written for: Sky (EndofthePage)
Beta: gingerdream
October Thirty-first 1981
Halloween was always met with eager anticipation. It was a day filled with candy and practical jokes. Peeves would wander the halls of Hogwarts and throw pumpkin pasties at anyone who walked by, screaming, "Letting the children inside to drink beers; Razor blades hidden in Three Musketeers; Screams from the basement of kids begging to be set free...That's what Halloween means to me. Tightening the clamps that are holding their little heads... so tight. Putting my lips to their ears As I whisper, "Please... don't fight." I promise I'll let you go home If you swear not to tell... a soul! Well, I'll just untie theseāI'm kidding. Now, where is my chainsaw? Let's rock and roll!"
The decorations that covered the walls of the ancient castle were breathtaking. Carved jack-o-lanterns floated down the halls, wishing students and Professors a Happy Halloween. Spider webs could be spotted in obscure corners with charmed red-eyed bats that would fly down into students' hair at random. Bat branch centerpieces were set on the tables in the Great Hall, along with creepy, blood-stained pillar candles that floated above head. Bowls overflowed with an assortment of muggle and wizard treats, like candy corn, liquorice, lemon drops, and along with more controversial Acid Pops and Cockroach Clusters.
Halloween was celebrated with just as much reverence as as Christmas: big, glamorous, and magical. The day came laced with laughter and joy from everyone. The Dark Lord had been defeated after all. There was no need for anything other than celebration. Severus, who sat in the Hospital Wing holding a child who had just lost his parents, did not share this joy. His eyes were fixed on the floor, utter despair filled his whole body, an emotion all consuming that he had no space for anything else. Tears, hours later after he had heard the awful news, still rolled down his cheeks as he felt the ghost of Lily's lifeless body in his arms. And now, during his mourning, he had a small child to look after, a child who was wholly dependent on him.
Severus was at a loss. He didn't know what to do. He had never had someone who needed him before, but as he held Harry in his arms, he felt a love he had never felt before, a love for a child. He vowed to do everything in his power to protect Harry, to care for him, and to make sure that no harm would come to him.
October Thirty-first 1982
Halloween was a day for celebration, it was the day the Dark Lord was defeated, the day the magical world became free of the man who deemed muggle-borns abominations and promised to rid the world of them. No one was trapped under the Dark Lords' thumb anymore, not even Severus. He was free to do what he wanted, to be the man he promised Lily he would be for her son.
As the fireworks raged just outside the castle borders, Severus was inside his chambers, not celebrating the Dark Lords' defeat with everyone else. Instead, he was holding a crying child in his arms, doing everything he could to calm his son down as another flash of light from the fireworks warmed his chambers with a brilliant green, which only intensified Harry's cries to higher decibels.
Poppy had warned him that this might happen. The anniversary of a trauma tended to come back to haunt the person. The body kept score where the mind forgot. Severus only hoped that Harry was too young to remember what happened just a year ago, but as Harry's cries filled his chambers, he didn't need any words to tell him that Harry, his ward - no, his son - was reliving that night when his parents murdered infront of him.
There was close to nothing that Severus could do in order to help his son. All he could do was hold Harry as he cried and comfort the child the best he could under the circumstances. He knew that there was nothing he could say that would make this night any better for Harry. Because, even if the child didn't remember his biological parents, there were no words that could bring them back, that could bring back Lily, no matter how hard Severus wished there were.
Instead, he flicked his wand, closing the curtains to his chambers in hopes of keeping the firework show out as he held Harry tightly in his arms and allowed Harry to cry. Tonight was not about celebrating for them, it was not about the Dark Lord's defeat, but it was a night to mourn what Harry lost. What they both had lost.
October Thirty-first 1983
When Severus held Lily in his arms, and he didn't think that his heart could break anymore, but as Harry told him about the scary green light; he felt the remaining pieces of his heart shatter into tiny glass shards that pierced his chest. Severus didn't know how three little words could hurt so much.
Severus was smarter this year. Before the fireworks and commotion started, he and Harry made their way into his private potion lab and closed the bookcase that led into it. He set Harry up with some toys in hopes of keeping the child occupied, knowing that it was going to be a long night.
They had hit hour three, without much fanfare, when suddenly Harry looked up at him and told him about the scary green light. Severus was surprised, not just at his words but at the fact that Harry spoke. Up to this point, Harry had refused to utter a word. He hadn't spoken a word for two years, not since that night. Poppy explained to Severus that it had to do with trauma and that no one truly knew about the effects the Killing Curse could have on someone since no one had ever survived it before now.
Severus didn't say anything because he didn't want to frighten the child into not speaking again, but now he wished he had; he wished Harry had remained ' heart chilled as Harry told him about the bad man took his mother away. Severus had to hold back his tears, knowing that he had to be strong for his son even though the words he spoke tore him apart. Harry shouldn't have to remember that night, no one should. It was cruel to make a young child relive the horrors of surviving death.
Then Harry did something unexpected. He reached up and traced his lightning bolt scar with his finger before looking back at Severus and telling him that the bad man hurt him too. Severus pressed his lips together and thought hard of what to say, but in the end he didn't say anything. He just held out his arms and allowed Harry to crawl into his lap. For the rest of the night, Severus held Harry until the child fell asleep.
October Thirty-first 1984
A week before Halloween, Harry had became more restless this year. He quickly became agitated or frustrated at the smallest of things. Meals had became a struggle. Severus even tried cooking Harry's favorite meals, but even those Harry would push aside before having into a breakdown that would last hours. Harry no longer played with his toys, instead he would spend his days pacing around Severus chambers. Severus noticed, during these times that Harry's hands would shake or he would chew his nails or pull at his hair, signs of nervousness that were not there before. Moments of agitation where a somewhat scary development, but Severus did not think too deeply, they were never enough for Harry to hurt himself. There was even a couple of times when he noticed Harry was grinding his teeth. Long stretches of restful sleep became a distant memory. Getting Harry to fall asleep was a struggle, and when Harry did go to sleep, he would wake up a couple of hours later from a nightmare and refuse to go back to sleep.
The few words Harry did speak came to a complete halt, with only sounds grunting or banging coming from Harry whenever he wanted something.
Now that it was Halloween night, and Harry was in a full blown meltdown on the living room floor. Severus didn't even have time to get Harry into his potion lab before the child threw himself on the floor and started screaming, banging his head on the floor and clawing at his scar.
Severus never imagined he would have to restrain his child, but in order to keep Harry safe, he didn't have a choice. He sat down next to his son and pulled Harry up into his lap, making sure Harry's back was flat against his chest. He crossed Harry's arms over his chest before wrapping his own arms around Harry's chest, pinning his arms. Severus then placed his legs over Harry's, making the child immobile.
Severus was helpless as Harry continued to scream in his arms, banging his head against his chest in an effort to get free. Severus could only imagine what his son was feeling right now, what horrors he was reliving. Even though Severus knew that tonight was coming, he couldn't have been prepared to keep Harry in his arms so his son wouldn't end up hurting himself.
"It's alright. It's alright to scream, let it out. I'm right here," Severus soothed. It was all he could do until Harry tired himself out, but when that would be, Severus didn't know. As he held Harry in his arms, he did something he had never done before; he prayed to Lily. He prayed for her guidance. He prayed for an answer, an answer that would help his son. He prayed for anything that would bring his son any kind of comfort, no matter how small it was.
October Thirty-first 1985
For eleven months, Severus thought of ways to help his son during Halloween night, and it seemed like the last second when Severus came up with a plan and he hoped to Merlin that it would work. He set up a candle by the window along with a couple of pillows to sit on. He wasn't sure how Harry would react to his idea, but anything would be an improvement to his actions last year.
Once the fireworks started, Severus called his son over to the window, and with some coaxing, he got Harry to sit down with him. He could tell that Harry was feeling uneasy, so he made sure to explain his idea, to give Harry time to adjust, before he continued with his plan.
"I know that tonight is a hard night for you," Severus started, watching as Harry curled in on himself. "Tonight is the night when your parents died."
Severus listened in dismay as Harry told him that the bad man took his mommy and daddy away.
"That's right, the bad man took mommy and daddy away from you that night," Severus agreed. "But I want you to know that your mommy and daddy loved you very much and they would've done anything for you. Your mommy and daddy gave their lives to protect you from the bad man because they love you. They were really brave, and these fireworks are to celebrate their bravery because they stood against the bad man. "
Severus explained, "Your mommy and daddy are heroes to a lot of people, and I want you to know that just because they are gone, they are still watching over you. The bad man can no longer harm you because your mommy and daddy are protecting you from above, and they will always protect you no matter where they are."
Severus waved his wand and a small flame alighted itself on the wick of the candle. "Tonight we light this candle to remember your mommy and daddy and to remember how brave they were." Severus watched in silence as Harry stared at the candle, watching as the flame danced, and to Severus's surprise, Harry told his parents that he loved them in such a small voice that he almost didn't hear it.
That night, as Severus put Harry to bed, there was no fight. Harry went right to sleep, and to Severus' shock, the child didn't wake up from a nightmare. Harry slept peacefully throughout the night with the lit candle next to his bed.
